About five years ago, I decided I was going to lose weight with my reason being to look better. It didn’t last, obviously. That reason alone would never be enough for me to succeed. I realize that now. But anyway, I was thinking about how back then I had put together a book of inspirational things in an attempt to keep me going.
This book had a photo of a bathing suit and beautiful places. I think the idea of the beautiful places was imagining myself being there without having to carry with me the shame of being fat. When we went to Costa Rica, my husband had scheduled an ATV trip…on one ATV (I thought he was getting two). Well, he weighs about 215-220 I am guessing and at that point I was about 197. I imagine this was nearing the weight limit if not well over it. Coincidentally (or maybe not!), we ended up with a flat tire. Talk about humiliation. On that same vacation, I opted out of the zipline trip that I had desperately wanted to try…all because I felt embarrassed to hang my fat self from the wire and loosening up the straps to fit my fat gut was also an issue for me. So naturally, the idea of a vacation without that shame was appealing. But it is different now.
I am not saying that I no longer want to go. I would still love it if I could afford it and had childcare. But it occurred to me that my reward is a daily thing and there just is no monetary value that I can put on it. My reward is going to sleep at night without feeling my heart pound and fearing that I am going to have a heart attack in the next 10 years. And the smiles on my kids faces when I actually run (run!) after them. And just the thought of the amount of strength that I have mustered up to get me this far. And the belief in myself. I believe that I can work up to being in really good shape. I really do. And…AND…I actually think of exercise more throughout the day than I do food!! Time that I used to spend wondering what all I could eat is now time that I plan my next step towards fitness. Of course I am not perfect. All you have to do is look a couple posts back and then a couple posts back from that, etc and you will see my weaknesses. But I actually value those moments once they are over because each time I have to either say no to temptation or pull myself back up after I do give in and mess up is good for me. This is not temporary. It is not about a pair of jeans or a high school reunion. It is about being here to be the healthy mom that my kids deserve. I can’t expect perfection 100% of the time. I think being able to get through those weak times is actually an essential skill for making this a life long thing. Ideally, the desire to binge will eventually fade out completely. But I doubt it, so I have to just be strong and deal.
Wednesday is my appointment!! It will take a week for the results from the cholesterol test to come back, though. If you ever wondered whether all of the diet and exercise stuff is true or just hype from the medical community, check back here! Good or bad, I am going to post my results.
