This day…oy yoy yoy. I have four kids, so that means that I have a storage tub full of Easter basket goodies hidden in my room. I don’t put a lot of chocolate in their baskets, but it is Easter so there has to be SOME chocolate. So I was in there today sorting it out and getting things in order to make things easier for Saturday night. So many goodies passed through my hands - reeses eggs, reeses rabbits, peanut butter m&m’s, etc. The smell of chocolate was in my face the whole time. But I ate nothing. Fast forward to dinner. I made Turkey Ragu with Gnocchi (fabulous, try it!) and had with it some “xseedingly good” (their name not mine) bread from Walmart. Salad was just butter lettuce with low fat blue cheese dressing but oh my gosh, that dressing. It is not one of the no-oil, no-mayo purely fat-free yogurt types of dressings so naturally, it was VERY good. Anyway, I did well. I limited my portions. Did my measuring and logged it all into fitday.
We were painting Easter eggs this evening, so I had bought cookie dough to pop in the oven so that the kids could decorate a cookie after they were done with the eggs. I passed on that, too.
All is quiet here now. B is sick and went to bed early. The kids are finally in bed after all the Easter egg painting and cookie decorating. Exchange student has gone back into hibernation. It is just me. The dinner leftovers are in the fridge. The cookies are on the counter. Back in the old days (which was not actually that long ago) I would be binging on all of it. I would have pilfered various shaped reeses from my kids Easter basket stuff. I would be right now warming up the leftovers from dinner and mindlessly eating the cookies from this evening. So no matter how good I was today. No matter how much measuring and counting that I did, I could easily trash the whole day in a matter of a few minutes.
I am not really that tempted, though. This is effecting me, but rather than making me tempted to binge I am just sad. The late night binges were my friend. It was just between me and the food. Nobody ever knew. It was part of my life that I did NOT have to share with anyone and it made me feel as though I had one time each day when I was totally free to do what I wanted and not have to worry about being who the world thinks I should be.
But now, I surrender. Not to the food, but to my health. I don’t even really want the sweets. That is not my thing. I want that gnocchi….BAD. But instead I will go to bed. I will not throw away 16 hours of control in just a couple of minutes of binging. So it is off to bed I go.
