The Last Straw

Well, my daughter’s birthday party is tomorrow. I just got done planning out my entire day of calories since I won’t want to sit at the computer and map it all out once my family gets here in the morning. There will eventually be times when I slack off and eat like a normal human for a special occasion, but tomorrow I really just want to stick to it. I think I am just starting to panic and worry that I have come this far and that I am going to hit some sort of wall and my ideal weight is just going to eternally elude me. I mean, how could it be possible that I would take this thing all the way to the end? I have never gotten past ten or fifteen pounds before. And there are the voices. You know how many times we have all read or heard “but she gained it all back” or even worse “she gained it all back plus some”. I hear all the voices from past conversations where someone said “back when I lost all that weight” referring to a time before they packed it all back on.  I fear that once I ease off on the momentum that I will end up hitting that turning point, the one that will BLAST ME back to 202 before I even know what hit me. Oh wow. I am progressively getting more and more paranoid as this paragraph goes on. 

So anyway, back to the party. I had been thinking for days what sort of fruit type of thing I could have instead of the ice cream cake from DQ that everyone else will be having. I wanted something really indulgent that I wouldn’t normally buy, so I bought blackberries (about 5 bucks for a little container!). I have some yogurt fruit dip which is yogurty, but a little sweet. And I will put that on the blackberries. It should feel like a treat.

I am not really a “whole foods” person. I eat processed. I eat cereal for breakfast. I have a little yogurty thing for cholesterol with it. I eat a low fat multigrain eggo waffle with peanut butter on it for lunch. But some processed food is becoming less appealing if I have some fresh fruit on hand. So that is the theory for tomorrow. Right now, I don’t think I will want the ice cream cake because the blackberries look fabulous, but we will see.

I am always mulling over the talk about buying local. Let’s just get it out in the open: I can’t do it. I think it is a fabulous idea, but I get no further than looking to see where something is from. Then it goes in the cart regardless. I am far too much of a mango addict to buy solely local. And papaya. And pineapple. I think I need to move to Central America. Have actually tried to talk my hubby into that but for some reason he says no. 

Dinner tonight was something I highly recommend - saute zucchini, onions, and red bell peppers and season with Mrs. Dash (I know -not very gourmet, but it tastes good). And have that on whole wheat sub rolls with a slice of muenster cheese, sliced tomatoes, alfalfa sprouts and some mayonnaise. OMG. I love these sandwiches. It is a big sandwich, but it leaves me not feeling quite full though. My guess is that is because it is high on carbs and low on protein. But whatever. It is good and this is the perfect season for it. I used two smaller sized red bell peppers, two small zuchini, one onion and one large tomato for six people.

Better get to bed. I am hoping to get a run in before my family gets here tomorrow.

I just saw a little snippet on the news about stem cells in lower abdominal fat. The link is the only thing I have found about it online in a real quick search. Should be interesting to see if anything happens with this in the future. I doubt it.

I am home again. This time it should be for a week or so. Maybe longer. Not sure. So anyway, before I left mom’s this morning I went for a run down on the “backstreets” below their house where I rode my bike as a child. It was probably the longest run without a break that I have done so far. And I know it is because up at the track I get so focused on just running one measly lap at a time that I don’t push myself to do more. I need to break out of this and work on increasing how far I run without a break. Neighborhood running is probably the answer, but between what to do with the kids and the fact that it is hilly here…I don’t know. We’ll see.

I am in a mood. Upon arrival back home, I was faced with a lot of little reminders of what all has happened in July. Some of them cruel. I found a list of rehab places we were considering. Dad’s water bottle from the hospital. Brochures on stroke recovery. The papers we got when they moved him from the hospital to the rehab. Since my house was basically home base for my family during this time, there has been lots of this kind of stuff just sitting there seemingly mocking me. So naturally, I want to eat. I want the rest of the tortellini in the fridge. Or a big hunk of sourdough bread leftover from dinner. The dinner where I carefully weighed all of my food like usual. What would be the point of going through that at dinner if I am just going to ruin it all right before I go to bed? My health and weight are more important than trying to drown my emotions in food.

I will be weighing in the morning. I am hoping to get to move my new ticker for the first time.

Night night, all. I am off to bed for what will hopefully be a good night’s sleep in my own bed which I have had so few of this summer.

I am really hungry and it is late and it is not mealtime, so I am not going to eat. It is finally sinking in that I am getting relatively close to a good weight and I really want it bad right now. I have flab issues to contend with, but I just feel content with my progress even though I realize that I will NEVER have a belly that can be shown. Too much extra skin and stretchmarks. It is really honestly just plain U-G-L-Y. Oh yeah, periwinkle, is this what you mean by expressing myself easily? Yeah. I guess so….seeing as how we all now know what my stomach looks like - yikes!! 

I am heading home tomorrow. Right now, I am planning on being there for at least a week. It will be nice to get back home, but yet saying that makes me feel so guilty. I don’t want to leave my mom. But yet I know I can’t stay here forever. Wow. My thoughts are all over the place this evening. 

There are some random things I have been thinking about. 

1. I really liked running on that country road the other day. Partially because of the view, but mainly because I needed the break from running in circles at the track. The track works well for me because that way my kids don’t have to try to keep up and I don’t have to listen to them whine. But yet, I loved the chance to run somewhere else and I wish I could do that more often.
2. Eryn - Argh!  Your talk of girls’ weekends…I am so jealous of your life right now. I am finally getting out from under this stupid fat and I want to feel young and HAVE FUN!! 
3. I need to get back to daily exercise because I want to do my best to keep my cholesterol low (I am amidst a break from taking lipitor right now, sort of an experiment to see what happens). 
4. I have decided that I most likely do not want a treadmill because I enjoy running outside so much. A new elliptical would be great some day, but it will have to wait a long time most likely. Still no funds for that.
5. Stupid stuff: I went in the grocery store here in my hometown AND washed my van in mom’s driveway. The reason this is a big deal to me is that I used to stay in hiding while I was here. It is stupid, I know. I just couldn’t stand the idea of people who I was not friends with having WAY too much fun seeing me with the fat. Ugh. Now I don’t have so much to worry about. I am bigger than I was back then, but I am not shockingly bigger like I was at my peak weight.

Enough rambling. Hope to weigh tomorrow when I get home or maybe Friday morning (since I normally weigh in the a.m.). I hope I have done enough to get that ticker moving.

I had gone to the track yesterday before leaving to come back up here to mom’s (two hours from my house). But my brother in law suggested that we all take a walk down this nice country road where they live and so I ended up with another 3 miles. I ran a little of that too just because it was beautiful out there and I wanted to run. I wanted to run. That is something I would not have believed six months ago that I would EVER say. Of course, 15 years ago I would have never guessed that I would allow myself to get to 202 pounds either. I guess we surprise ourselves sometimes. I am just glad that after all this time, I am suprising myself in good ways.

Opted out of my sister’s casserole last night (in other words: cream of something soup, cheese and hamburger). I had brought some cod in my cooler. When I come up here, I bring my food. Once I stopped eating the junk that people brought, I was ready to buckle down again. So I cooked the cod in a little lime juice and used this sea salt/garlic/parsley grinder thing that my sister has. I love cod and broiling it like that was so quick and simple. With that light dinner and the extra walk yesterday, I should be inching closer to the mid 150’s. I may try my wedding dress on this weekend. My mom and I made the dress and I think she would enjoy seeing it again. And I certainly would enjoy fitting into it again. We’ll see.

Later this week, I am going to try Ellie Krieger’s recipe for shrimp scampi. It is pretty basic, but has artichoke hearts. Had to buy those canned. I have never worked with fresh artichokes and Walmart didn’t have frozen ones.

Not sure when I will be back home and in a normal routine. So I am still just trying to get in a walk/run whenever I can. My calories are pretty low, so hopefully I can keep losing even though my exercise has not been as regular lately.

Hmm. Boring post. I think my brain is still fried from the to-do list that my sister so kindly handed over to me. It is a cruel thing in life that amidst mourning the loss of a family member, you have a bzillion things to do.

I came home yesterday for a short trip to take care of some details. I will be heading back to my mom’s house after lunch today. It has been so nice to be in my own house. I feel like I haven’t been home all summer. And the bonus is that my sister offered to keep my kids last night, so I have some peace and quiet. It sounds selfish, but it feels good to take care of myself for a small amount of time.

I was at the track at 6:30 this morning since it is supposed to get into the 90’s today. I had the track all to myself for the most part and that was nice. Ended up doing 3 miles, half running and half walking. Had to go without my music because apparently when I charged my mp3, I did not realize the power was ON so it immediately started sapping the battery as soon as I unplugged it from the computer yesterday. Grrr. So I had to listen to myself breathe the whole time. 

I have replaced my last ticker with a new one for “project home stretch”. I have set it for 148 although I doubt that is going to be low enough. We’ll see when I get there.

Thanks for all the support regarding my dad. Bigprof, I am so sorry to hear that you lost your dad at such a young age. That is how old my daughter is right now. Some things in life will just never make sense. Feathers, oh how I know what you mean about the blog title. I have spent a lot of time in the past week being thankful that I have been on this path of improving my heart health. If I were in the health condition that I was in February, I would be in such a panic right now. But I know that I am doing all I can to get and keep my heart healthy. Some things may be unavoidable, like my dad’s atrial fib. but my thinking is that I need to control those things that I can.

Off to enjoy the quiet for a bit longer. Hope everyone’s week is off to a good start.

I don’t really even know what to say. I really want back in old routines like writing here, but yet it is really hard to get started again. I am still trying to find that moment when you give yourself permission to return to some of the old familiar parts of your life in a situation like this. I am just tired. So, so tired. And sleep does not fix this kind of tired.

My days are a blur of details and visitors and flowers and thank you notes and phone calls and words that were not of my normal daily vocabulary: funeral, died, casket, obituary. These words come tumbling out in conversation as though I am talking about the weather and then I stop, rather stunned, and realize I don’t recognize my life.

Right now, my life is about trying to support my mom. But I need to stop allowing myself to get lost in food. I have been doing pretty well for breakfast and lunch. I had brought my typical foods with me so that I could at least attempt to get through this without turning to food to get me through it. However, I have messed up of the evenings. At various points over the past week, I have eaten empty calories in the form of cookies and cake and banana pudding. I have had saturated fat. I have eaten too much. I have eaten from brain-hunger instead of true hunger. I have basically done every no-no on my list. All of this food that people have brought…it was not a problem at first but it is like there is only so much that I can take. And I am the person who has dealt with the food all week. Finding a place to put it. Getting it all out for meals and heating it up. Sorting through it. Putting it in smaller containers. Working it back into the fridge like some sort of puzzle. Cleaning up the kitchen. Finally, I cracked. Today I am back on track, though. And the food is almost gone now.

Thanks for all the support over the past week. I hope to be able to get back to writing more regularly now.

I am back now, but I will be out for a week or so. My dad died early this morning.

Finally, I got to go to the track yesterday. So I took one of my sister’s kids and headed up there yesterday morning. I was extremely excited to get back at it, but a little concerned since I had not been up there for almost two weeks. Yikes. So I ended up doing the one lap intervals of running and walking and that went well for the first time back after a break. Not sure what to do with my C25k pages. I am clearly not sticking to the program anymore and I don’t think I will ever be. It is what got me started and got me committed to walking/running, though.

I spent last night and all day today at the hospital (then later the rehab) so I have not had enough water. I had taken some, but not enough. I am not sure about weighing tomorrow because of this. But the weight loss is going good right now. At this rate, I should break into the 150’s within the next few days. Our vacation is next week. We are staying in a cabin by a river. It looks as though there might be a good place to run along the road that the house is on. My new Cooking Light came today and there are two recipes that I am looking forward to making while we are there: Maple Grilled Salmon and Grilled Ginger Lime Shrimp. There are no reviews as of now since they are in the current issue. If I remember, once I get back I will post about how they turned out. I am on such a major seafood kick right now, but there were several other recipes from the July issue that I want to try. It has a beautiful cherry pie on the cover, but I don’t have room for desert calories right now.

Dad is now in rehab. I am not sure that I am happy with where he is, but I don’t know if I am just being paranoid. The nurses were just not exuding energy and love for their job like the ones at the hospital did. Physically, I question their ability to provide what my dad needs. Compared to the energetic nurses and aids at the hospital, these ladies are sluggish and huffing and puffing and seem to be sitting whenever possible. It is late and I slept on the floor in dad’s room last night and I am tired and I probably just need to chill out and just keep an eye on the situation. It is just that the hospital staff was incredible AND two of us were staying with dad 24/7 (mom stays with dad, but somebody has got to stay with mom!). Now, we have turned him over to a new place that is different and scary and he is there by himself except for visiting hours which is from 4-8:30 pm. Ugh. Suddenly, I am in the sandwich that people talk about. I have a parent who is as dependent as a child and I have young children. Worrying about whether an aid is changing your parent’s bedding as needed and whether he is confused and scared and lonely…heartbreaking. Watching my mom have to walk away from her husband of 58 years, knowing she is worrying about the same things….heartbreaking. I just keep seeing in my mind a daisy that is healthy and beautiful and unsuspecting in the environment where it belongs, then suddenly a giant hands rips it up by the roots and plants it in the desert. How bewildering.

 Time for some serious sleep. I may go to the track tomorrow morning, but to do so I would have to leave my mom here by herself. Not sure I want to do that. I worry about her worrying about dad. Worry. Worry. 

First, I must recommend the fish tacos again. We had this again last night and it was soooo yummy. I have got to remember to make this more often. I make it with tilapia since it is cheaper than red snapper. Other than that, the recipe is perfect. The “crema” has fat free mayonnaise and sometimes I question that, but in this there is really no need to use the other stuff. The concept of a fish taco was a little unsettling to me at first since I am not from where this is a common food. But I am so glad I tried it.

I think tonight I will make the noodles with the peanut sauce again.

I had another appointment today and the doctor recommended the south beach cookbook. I may have to check that out. The one recipe she described sounded pretty basic, but quick which is a good thing sometimes.

Ok. I have a question. I need toning. I have considered Curves, but I am just not so sure. I have only known one person who went for very long and she does not have “I work out” look that I would really like to accomplish. Is this just her, or is this just typical for curves? I know it is about strengthening and you don’t have to have a ripped body to be strong. I know all that. It is just that at this point I would like something that will give me some nice results and reflect just how hard I have worked. So anyway, is it worth it? I went for a while years ago, but I was in the beginning of a diet. Now, I have made it past that quitter stage and I don’t question that I would stick to it if I was happy with it.

And onto other things…i don’t know if the week in DC and the lack of exercise allowed my metabolism to reset itself or what. But I am suddenly at 161. Eleven pounds to go until I will re-evaluate the situation and see where I want to be with my weight. I can’t imagine going below 150, but who knows. I am so scared of trying to maintain. I fear that I have two gears: gaining and losing. I am worried about trying to find the right amount of calories and all that. But I need to just chill for a bit. Eleven pounds will take a while. No need to worry yet.

I STILL have not made it up to the track. Of course, I have had doctors appointments and long hospital visits and taking care of my nephews. I still don’t feel like it is fair to take that time when my sister is putting in some serious hours at the hospital. I have to do my part, therefore the walking/running will have to wait. I will be out of town again next week and maybe be able to find some time then. I feel ashamed for even thinking about it and for being out of town, but once I am back in town I will be taking over with the family responsibilities as long as dad is in rehab from the stroke. And my life, my family responsibilities and my exercise will settle into a routine at that point.

I got the thyroid test.  The doctor didn’t talk much about it. Said that she didn’t feel any nodules. I am not sure which test I got. I asked the phlebotomist lady, but she just said something about the T3 and T4 and something else. And results should be in on Wednesday. I am guessing my doctor will just send me the results in the mail though, so it may be a week or so from now.

I am now OFF of the lipitor. I am not sure that she would have voluntarily taken me off of it (that doesn’t tend to be something doctors do very often), but I had told her that now that I have changed my lifestyle I would like to try to get off of as many of the meds as possible and she was willing to give it a try. She wants me to come back in three months for a cholesterol test. I hope to stay off of it, but mainly I am just glad to get the chance. If I can’t stay off of it, at least I will know that I tried.

I have lost 40 pounds now and she was really impressed with that and my accomplishments with my cholesterol. She said that the only way to have gotten my number as low as it is was the weight loss. In other words, the lipitor did some of it but the rest is the result of my lifestyle changes. Woo hoo!!

Now that I am going off of the lipitor, I think it is a good time to try the fish oil as an extra effort to use something natural to avoid potentially going back on the lipitor in three months. I may incorporate some flax seed too, but I was reading something about how it should not be whole? I don’t know. I need to read some more.

She is going to let me half my toprol and then maybe go off of it completely if my bp handles it ok.  I am somewhat concerned that my blood pressure will not stay low enough without the toprol though. It was 112/80 this morning (but of course, the past week has been VERY stressful). First, I will wait on my thyroid results since thyroid can impact blood pressure. If that test comes back negative, I will need to work up some new ideas for trying to lower my blood pressure if possible. My sodium is ok right now since I am limiting how much food I eat. I may look into some natural things and see if that helps. And maybe yoga or something. I don’t know. I need to read some more about all of that. I have read that there is a link between lowering bp and chiropractor adjustment stuff. Interesting.

So that is all. Back at the beginning, my goals had been to get my numbers down. And at this point, I want them down without the meds. I think it will be a challenge, but I think it will be good for me. This will just further cement this as my forever lifestyle. And I love it. I really, really love it. I love that now (99% of the time) I view junk food as not good enough for me. I love that now staying healthy is what gets me through stress instead of food. I love that I have this new standard for myself and while I may not progress as fast as I would like in some things [running] that I am above all committed to my health. Finally. Thank God for that stupid niacin pill and the hellfire hotflash it caused that started this whole thing.