Gotta get it out!

first of all…thanks lodyangel for being supportive.

i think i just needed to step away for a bit. things are very stressful for me at the moment. i think the gain was from preparing to quit smoking…so i ate out and i ate bad. since my last post, i’ve been cooking at home and packing lunches. and because of it, i’ve went back down 6 of the 8 i had gained back. i know it was mostly water and swelling because of what i was eating, but i felt it.

without totally going into it all…i’m training another new person at work, our dept is swamped with ‘need it now’ work orders, i’m doing OT, i’m exhausted and my brain is mush once i leave work, my mom calls all the time because she needs this or that fixed at her house (i’m an only child and my dad died 3 years ago), my house needs work and i just watch it getting worse because i can’t seem to get anyone to help (unless i pay through the nose), i’m trying to pay my credit cards down so i can fix the house, i come home and just want to sit-so my house is a wreck (today is cleaning day), i’m trying to eat right and get up the ‘ummppff’ to exercise and i need to quit smoking. UGH!

on their own, each of these are not so big, but they are all piled on my shoulders. i went to my gyno last week and she asked how i was (i hadn’t seen her in years, i know, i know). when i went into all of this, i broke down crying. she handed me tissues and asked if i had ever thought about talking to a someone. i told her i had been to a psychologist but it didn’t help that much and i couldn’t afford $20 a week (my co-pay). she asked if had ever taken anything for depression. i told her yes, twice, but both had made me feel more disconnected and that i couldn’t get my job done. so she wants me to try Wellbutrin. my insurance approved it a couple days ago and i started it yesterday. so we will see. i just need for things to not seem so serious or doom and gloom so i can function without having anxiety about regular ‘ole basic life.

i know we all have things pile up from time to time and i’m not going through a life or death situation, it’s just ’stuff’. but at the moment i’m drowning from this stuff and my air is running out. i have a lot of things i have to do today because yesterday, i did nothing. i sat on my butt with my friend and we watched youtube and break and tikibar on itunes. that was it. i should have went into work to get some things done, but i just couldn’t. i barely got a shower. i needed to do nothing. i worried about how doing nothing for a whole day was going to affect me, but i soon forgot. yah!

so anyway, i’m out of hiding…LOL! and will try to keep up with my blog and life.

it’s sunday and i haven’t done well this week. this is the first time this week i’ve been able to breathe, much less log in. i went into work for 5.5 hours yesterday giving me a total of 12.5 hours of OT at work this week and i’m exhausted because of it. next week will be the same and probably the next 3 weeks. i’m training 2 new people and when my work load is overloaded as it is, it’s hard to train new employees. the whole time i’m thinking about what’s not getting done and how i’ll have to stay after to do it and what’s coming ‘down the pike’ for the next week and how to handle the work while so-and-so is on vacation or so-and-so is our for 3 days at a conference and….UGH!

this does not include my mother pulling at me to come over and do this and that and take her here and there and my aunt’s upcoming surgery. (mom on the speaker phone right now and she’s talking her head off while i’m trying to have some peace-she calls me at least twice a day.) i need some down time to relax and regroup but it’s not going to happen. i’m going to the grocery once my laundry is done and put away. then i have to take my mom to best buy. oh joy…

last night i went to a friend’s house. we did nothing except watch their baby coo and giggle and sleep-all the normal baby stuff. it was wonderful! i didn’t have to be anywhere, i didn’t have to do anything for anyone. it was quiet-no brain overload. i even napped on the sofa for about an hour. then we played bowling on the WII for a little bit. I NEED MORE OF THAT! LOL!

so exercise…HAHAHAHA! (ahem)…exercise, hhmmm. well, i’ve done what i can here and there, but nothing that’s worth writing about. i’m too tired once i get home to do more than flip the remote and snooze sitting upright until i drag my butt to bed 1-2 hours earlier than my usual. my eating has been 50/50 on the health and portion scale.

like i said, i’m headed to the grocery so i’m gonna stock up on veggies, etc. but it costs sooo much. i swear, you gotta be rich to eat healthy and especially for one. i’m sick of micro-meals. and they have preservatives and other crap in them so how healthy are they really? it is so hard to cook for one without wasting food. once i’ve ate something 2-3 times in a row, i’m done. i’m not good at freezing stuff, cause i’m funny about that. i’m not real crazy about leftovers in general. i think i’m going to make my own subway sandwiches but in a wrap instead. we’ll see how long that lasts…lol!

anyway, sorry for the long rant, but like my blog says…Gotta Get It Out! (here’s to a new week, may it be a little better than the last!)

well, so much for the binder, i’ve already quit writing in it after 3 days. it’s just something else i have to keep track of along with my long list of ”to do today”

i often find myself ‘daydreaming’ (if you will) of being off of work for a month so i can accomplish some things on my list. every day i get up and feel like i can take on the world then after i go to work and it sucks the life out of me, i come home and have NO energy and just want to sit. my brain is on overload at that point and all i can think about is..i have to do this, i have to do that, i need to do this, i want to work on that and get it off my list. then i’m overwhelmed and kind of short circuit and can’t seem to do anything.

i’m most productive between 7 am and 2 pm. if i had financial security (aka-not living check to check) i could take a serious look at switching jobs to something in the evening and that didn’t have me sitting behind a computer all day.. at least not for someone else. it’s funny, i was so much happier when i worked at a warehouse job. i was on my feet and moving all day and it was exercise. when i got home i would do my artwork. my current job is art related in the publishing industry and i’m sick of being creative when i get home. problem is, i don’t think a warehouse job is going to pay me what my current position does and with benefits. AARRGGHHH!!!

i just want a break from life. i want someone else to take over the reigns for a while. i don’t want to have to think about bills and deadlines. thinking wears me out.

oh yeah, and i have the whole weight thing weighing on my mind all the time. gotta eat right! gotta exercise! gotta show self-control! AARRGGHHH!!!!

i am so sick of doing things for other people. either it’s unappreciated or a kick in the teeth AND i put what i have to do to the side then nothing gets done.

i am sick of worrying about how others feel and walking on glass around them so as not to upset them.

i am sick of trying to make others happy.

i am sick of crying and being depressed when MY OWN mother acts like a 2 year old when she doesn’t get her way because i don’t drop what i’m doing RIGHT NOW to do what she wants. i’m REALLY sick of that.

i am sick of waiting for others people to make up my mind what i’m going to do.

i am sick of being shoving food in my mouth to try and fill the hole that all the above does not fill.

i am sick of being sick of all of this.

i am going to tell them all (politely, of course…because i am sick like that) to kiss my butt and TAKE CARE OF ME! because it seems that no one else will. i think i get that now. we’ll see.

ok, here’s the routine on the weekends…

get up, make coffee, drink lots of coffee, sit in front of computer smoking cigarettes (i know, and please don’t…one thing at a time), see what friends have to say on various sites, wonder why no friends have said anything, get worked up from coffee and cigarettes, start thinking about what i have to do, need to do, can’t afford to do, wait for it…here it comes…STRESS!! (all the crap in daily life gets in my head and shoots around like a meteor shower, and i wait for something to hit and trigger something to happen…ANYTHING) head for the downward spiral, hide in my house and do nothing but wish (which as we all know, gets you NOWHERE).

ok, so here’s the good part… i was getting hungry this morning and decided to go eat breakfast (hmm, don’t feel like cooking, don’t feel like preparing anything, MAN am i lazy..oh well) go in the kitchen, look in the fridge, look in the cabinet, look in the freezer (anything on the counter? ahhh! nevermind…) start to go back upstairs to computer, glance over at treadmill on the way (hhmm, ok i know i’ve lost 15 lbs on WW at work so far and i know the last time i did WW, i lost weight by walking in the am before going to work. i’ve decided that i have to do it again and i know the hardest part is just getting started, i know it will calm my brain down, you know oxygen and all, so maybe if i….SHUT UP AND GET ON THE TREADMILL! oh, ok..)

WOO HOO! I walked 1 mile today and let me tell you…for someone who sits in front of a computer all day then goes home and sits on the sofa because her brain is cooked from heavy workload…this is a major accomplishment! i am SO freakin proud of myself! i got on and didn’t think about anything except my posture, focusing on that one spot on my curtains in the other room and breathing. as i walked, i resisted the urge to look at the numbers as they slowly climbed with my movement. i told myself to walk in a manner that felt good to me. don’t try for a certain amount of time or distance. just speed up and slow down as my body and lungs saw fit. i even did a little light jogging, well, it probably wasn’t what others would call jogging, but anyone who is remotely relating to what i’ve said so far, you know what i mean by jogging. i started to break a sweat and then my tummy growled, no wait…. it GROWLED. so i thought, don’t push it, you wanna go away from this with a positive attitude so you will come back tomorrow and do it again (even tho i hated the show, Seinfeld comes to mind, get out while the gettin is good). so i cooled down and looked at my numbers. 25 minutes and 1.07 miles. FREAKIN A! i can do this! then i stepped off and ate a banana.