it has been so long since i have written. i feel the need to journal, but i don’t know what i want to say so i’ll type in the hopes that it will come through my fingers. i feel so bloated, and i am at my heaviest. i know i’m at a turning point in my life. i can either get my shit together and do what has to be done to take control of my life and my health OR i can keep going down the same path i’m on which will lead to a deeper depression and deeper hatred of myself. i’m not happy at all.don’t get me wrong, there are moments of laughter and i smile and giggle, but i’m not happy. when i laugh, it feels wrong. when i’m with friends and we laugh, it feels fake.
back to my path….i don’t want to keep following the same path, but the one i know i should take scares me. it is different and unknown to me. it may not be comfortable or ‘easy’ and i never had to do hard. not unless it was traumatic and then adrenaline kicks in, takes over and you’re on auto-pilot. i’ve been told i’m a survivor, that i’m strong - the phoenix rising from the ashes. well, dealing with life, that’s easy…living it… that’s where i’m having a problem. my path…
maybe i should do a drawing of my path and what i see it as. or draw my alternate path and what i think it is, what i’m afraid of so that i can examine it and familiarize myself. then maybe i won’t be afraid of it. then i can take my first step, then walk, then run down my path.i’m looking forward to discovering my path…
