Gotta get it out!

i am so sick of doing things for other people. either it’s unappreciated or a kick in the teeth AND i put what i have to do to the side then nothing gets done.

i am sick of worrying about how others feel and walking on glass around them so as not to upset them.

i am sick of trying to make others happy.

i am sick of crying and being depressed when MY OWN mother acts like a 2 year old when she doesn’t get her way because i don’t drop what i’m doing RIGHT NOW to do what she wants. i’m REALLY sick of that.

i am sick of waiting for others people to make up my mind what i’m going to do.

i am sick of being shoving food in my mouth to try and fill the hole that all the above does not fill.

i am sick of being sick of all of this.

i am going to tell them all (politely, of course…because i am sick like that) to kiss my butt and TAKE CARE OF ME! because it seems that no one else will. i think i get that now. we’ll see.

well, the 4th was good and bad. i invited some people over and i bought low-fat and fat-free foods, veggies to grill, whole wheat buns, etc. mainly for me. then my best friend said we had to have ‘man food’ cause nobody would eat that. he bought 4 different kinds of bratts, WHY??? so we ended up with 2 of our friends coming over and none of my food was cooked!!! so i ate regular fat foods. that kinda pissed me off. so now i’m swollen from high sodium and high-fat foods and the resulting leftovers. GGRRRR!!!! i told him last night he better get all that crap out of my house or i’m throwing it out. the chips especially, i can’t resist chips and that’s why i don’t buy them. even the baked chips because i will eat the whole bag.

he wants to lose weight too. we used to be able to help each other lose weight. when we would go eat, it was salads or subway, etc. now we both give in to easily. i’ve told him i need him to say NO when i go for the extra serving or dessert (which i never wanted before but now i do, funny cause i’m not crazy about sweets!), talk me out of it, force me to put the food down. i can’t do it by myself, i have evil fat voices inside my head…lol.

a touch of good news, though. i did walk on the treadmill yesterday. granted, it was only .7 miles, but it’s more than i normally do. see, i work at a computer all day and by the time i get home, i’m drained and so exhausted. i don’t want to do anything except sit on the sofa. i’ve started taking naps when i get home. that would be fine if i used it to rejuvenate and get moving, but i don’t.

and now i feel the pressure of weigh-in on tuesday. we didn’t weigh-in this past week since so many people took off for the holiday week. and i thought, ok, i can get cracking and come back with a loss, but nothing has changed. not my habits, not my outlook, nothing. now i’m panicking, because i know i can do this, but i am so lazy and i give up so easily. if one bad thing happens, i’m depressed. i have no motivation. i’ve tried to set small goals, but i don’t use them.

today, i’m going to grill out with MY foods and he’s going to eat it and like it.

it’s sunday, i’m at my best friend’s house while he’s cleaning and i have a headache. i think it’s due to the pollen in the air. it rained this week and i knew the grass would come to life and need to be cut. so i cut it, and now i have a headache. i also finished my laundry, cleaned the kitchen (scrubbed off all the baked-on bits off), cleaned the bathroom, vacuumed both floors. i did a lot, and now i have a headache.

i went to the grocery and spent too much money, again. i have to learn how to buy for one person. granted, it should last me almost 2 weeks, but i have to cut down on the grocery bill.

anyway, i decided to follow a different diet than WW. well, in addition to, i guess. it’s like an extra set of guidelines. basically the same, but emphasis on lean meats and more fiber and how they work together to process the minerals and vitamins you need. it’s not adkins. for my weight, i can have up to 400g of carbs a day (good carbs from fruit, veggies, whole grains.) but i have to have a gram of protein for each pound i weigh, that’s a lot of protein and hard to work in. but i’m trying. i’ve done this ‘diet’ before and i did have more energy and felt better. i just have to realize it’s not really a ‘diet’ it’s a way of living and eating better to build muscle and work of the fat.

that’s all for now. i’m proud of what i’ve accomplished today in my housework and getting whole foods at the grocery. now i just have to eat them and also keep junk from piling up in my house so i don’t feel overwhelmed again and give up on everything, which i tend to do too easily these days.