Gotta get it out!

yesterday we walked the hill again. this time we went down and up 3 times! my calves are a little sore today, but nothing i can’t handle. i have 2 more days until weigh-in on tuesday and i want to exercise today and tomorrow. no skipping. last week i gained 2 lbs and i know it’s because of what i ate the night before. but it’s still discouraging when you see it go up. i also know that when you start exercising, your body retains water to repair and build the muscles. once this subsides, i’ll be back to normal. so i weighed myself this am and i’m back down 2lbs. which is good, but i want a loss on tuesday, so i have to keep moving.

i also have to start eating better. i know this, yet there are times when i just have to have bad food. it’s engrained in me. this is how i learned to eat as a child. example: when i was off of school in the summer, my mom and i would eat a box of mac & cheese for breakfast. and if it tasted particularly good that day (and it usually did) she would make another box for us. here’s another: EVERY friday, we would have pizza hut for dinner. and rather than each of us compromising on what we wanted, we each got our own pizza. and i would eat ALL of mine and some garlic bread with cheese. another: my grandma’s sausage spaghetti sauce recipe (MMMMM!!!)- mom would make a ‘double-batch’ because we all loved it so much and would eat on it for days, well, the night she made it…i would have 3 plates and i mean piled-up. i would eat until i couldn’t move. i literally would be having pains in my stomach, we all did.

i wasn’t taught self-control with food, or much else for that matter. i was taught good eating habits - my mom did WW when i was a child. one of her favorite stories is when we would go to the grocery and go through the produce dept, i would pick and eat the raw veggies the whole time (wasn’t interested in candy) or at home i would eat tuna straight out of the can and be happy with that. i’ve always loved salad, but when i make a salad, it has to be like an event. it can’t be like the bagged stuff….no. i will make my own black bean and corn salads, cobb salad-stuff like that. but anyway, i did eat good food growing up too, but again, there were no limits on what i was allowed to eat.

exercise was a bad thing too. i was a slim child, but when i hit puberty, i went out everywhere. i was kind of a tom-boy, so i think i freaked when i started getting boobs and didn’t want anyone to see. and i think i picked up on my mom’s depression and ability to ‘hide’ behind her weight and began to build my own ‘wall of fat’. and maybe the fact that i wanted to hide and had my own form of depression kept me from playing and running like i used to. i was also a shy child and very overprotected, so i wasn’t allowed to do much with the other kids. i don’t know, there are so many things that can point to who i am today. as one of my friends tells me all the time, “you think too much, give your brain a rest.” and he’s right…lol!

anyway, i’ve got laundry to do, grocery, mom’s day-which i was plainly told by my mom, “don’t even come over because i know we’ll get into a fight.” but i still have to do a card, right? i don’t know about that situation, it’s a turning point in my life and i recognize that, but i’m not sure what to do. if i was on the outside looking in, i would probably tell myself, quit trying to get her approval because it will never happen. why make yourself miserable like her. you have your own life to live and if you don’t take care of yourself, physically and mentally, you will be hurting yourself and become miserable also. anyway, soooo over that subject.

to all the mom’s out there… i wish you a GREAT mother’s day! whether you want it or not…LOL!!!

i just finished going down, then up, then down and back up a monstorous hill at my best friends house. and i have to admit, it kicked my ass the first climb, but the second climb i took it without stopping. i paced myself because i didn’t want to stop, gasping for breath again. i am sweating to death in the AC while he gets his shower, then it’s on to my house so i can get a shower. then we will eat salad, low-fat bratts and fruit for dessert.

the first time i did THE hill was 2 days ago and it kicked my ass then to. i had to stop, mmm, i guess 5 times to catch my breath. of course, being a smoker doesn’t help, but i am what i am and can only change one thing at a time or i will get overwhelmed and quit everything and go back to my old and horrible ways.

so anyway, i took the hill twice tonight. once would have been fine, except when we went to dinner last night, i got the salad bar AND a sandwich. then when we got home, i starting craving hot fudge cake. now, i never crave sweets, especially hot fudge cake, but I WANTED HOT FUDGE. i told him that if he took me to get the hot fudge cake, i promised him and myself that i would do THE hill twice. so after seeing the crazed look in my eyes, he drove me to get hot fudge cake, we came home and i ate it.

today, i did THE hill twice. a promise is a promise.

it’s saturday morning and i’m in front of the computer checking up on friends, blogs, etc. i’ve been reading through 3FC site in the exercise forum and i wanna go take a walk! but, my bestest bestest friend is sleeping on the sofa and i would really like for him to walk with me. we had a late nite at a friend’s house who we haven’t hung out with for a while. she’s pregnant and can’t do as much with the gang that she used to. so i had a great time catching up last nite. anyway, i would like to go for a walk and to wake him up and get him moving is gonna be hard to do (he’s part vampire and i think the sun hurts him…lol). he is however switching to 1st shift next week and since i work days, we have planned to start walking after work.

this past week at WW i lost 2.4 and i think i’ve put 1 back on. that sucks! i’m not sure how i’ve done it the past month because i haven’t written anything down and have been drinking A LOT. i joke about it being my liquid diet, but i know it’s not a good thing. a couple of my friends are a little concerned, but i assure them, it’s just a ‘phase’ for now. i do this every now and then. i think i’m too damn responsible for my own good and when that starts to wear away at me, i have to let loose and be a little crazy. sometimes it lasts for a couple weeks, sometimes a couple of months. i think this is gonna be a ‘months’ thing. i tend to get very depressed (tried meds, did NOT like) and close myself off from the world and my friends which is odd since my friends are what keep me sane, especially when i see how nuts they are too!

i think i’ll get my shower in a little while and start to poke and prod my friend downstairs to go for a walk. (walking is healing) he has to work tonight and he sleeps most of the day, so i don’t want to wake him too early, or he’ll have a bad nite. i also have to keep my ‘distractions’ at bay so i can concentrate on what is the most important thing - ME!

wow, i have been running around with my friends almost non-stop for a few weeks. guess it helps keep my mind off of food and keeps me moving. i’ve lost almost 5 lbs in 4 weeks and i think that’s a good way to do it…slowly. i gained it slowly, so i should lose it slowly.

anyway, not much today, just tired and wanna go to bed. but thought i should stop in and put something down. (i’m really proud of myself!)