Gotta get it out!

i don’t know what i want to talk about, i just felt the need to come and write. but i don’t want to do a diary kind of thing. the guy i mentioned, things are gonna be slow with that, but that’s ok, it will teach me patience and how to stick with something and that will benefit me through all things i do.

i weighed myself this a.m. and was down 2 lbs, i just hope that’s not a ’stay up real late’ thing and that it reflects at weig-in on Tuesday. i went to breakfast with a friend this a.m., well around noon actually…lol (late nite remember). anyway, this place has the BEST breakfast and I LOVE breakfast, could eat it all day, but of course, i ordered scrambled eggs, hashbrowns, goetta and rye toast. had 2 cups of coffee with it. BUT…..here’s the great thing about it…i was full after eating about half of my food, so i boxed it up to take home for tomorrow a.m. i’m pretty proud of that. this has happened quite a bit lately. portion control is being burned into my brain, and i’m learning that i don’t have to eat everything in site to be satisfied. in fact, if i eat it all, i’m not satisfited and continue to look for more to eat. but if i leave food on my plate, i’m happy with my meal and happy with myself. i haven’t been tracking my points, which i feel guilty about, but then i don’t because i can’t track points the rest of my life, i just won’t do it. and the whole point of WW is to teach you to make good lifestyle changes and as long as i’m learning that, which i believe i am, then i’m doing what i’m supposed to be.

must be the gemini in me, i feel i have to be special, so i alter it to work for me. anyway, it’s a lovely day and i’m using my friend’s laptop outside while he cuts grass. the sun is warm and the breeze is refreshing, not to mention the smell of fresh cut grass!

i haven’t been on here for a while now and i miss it. i also think i was kind of avoiding it, because writing my thoughts forces me to look at my life and my actions or rather what i’m putting in my mouth. this week wasn’t great, but not as bad as the last (which somehow i lost 1.4 at weigh-in, go figure). i don’t think the scales will move much this week, but as long as they don’t go up, i’ll be ok with it.

my problem lately is that i have been going out with my friends more and drinking more. but i’m not eating a bunch of fried, fatty, saucey foods either. i’m still eating my fruits and veggies at work and my oatmeal and yogurt, so that’s good, but i know the beer will catch up with me. so again, i am forced with facing the big ‘E’….(chills running down my spine) exercise. now, i know how i operate, i have to ‘gear up’ in my mind to start exercising (OMG! I have GOT to get that stupid squirrel out! i think he has a buddy now…grrrr!). i know exercise makes me feel good (i’ve said this before-gearing up here) and it helps me to do it when i already feel good about myself. it could be anything that triggers the feel good. usually, it’s getting things done that i have to do…cleaning, mow the grass, laundry. i guess it gets some of the weight off my shoulders to do these and feel good. but by the time i get most of these things done, i’m tired and ready to call it quits. but i also know that while i’m doing my ‘chores’, i’m not eating and i am exercising, so that’s ok too.

well, i have to get back to my feel good chores. it’s 10 am, that might be too early on a sunday to get the mower running, i know i don’t like being woken up by one. i’ll just finish vacuuming and cleaning.

wow, i don’t know what to talk about first…ok, my best friend moved back into town! he surprised my by showing up last nite while i was talkin to him on the phone. i knew it was him, i just knew it! so, if he gets a day shift like he wants, i’ll have my workout buddy again!

so the other thing is, i think i’ve lost a couple pounds and i really don’t know how. i’ve ate horribly this week and haven’t done much exercise. so i think it best not to ponder, but go with the flow and get back on track.

anyway, just wanted to pop in and say something. till next time…

well, i really wanted to write on tuesday and wednesday, but went out with friends instead. that means drinking and eating. and i did ok tuesday and a little less ok on wednesday. tonight i went to the grocery after work, bought lots of veggies, stuff to make chili again then stopped and got 2 cheese coneys for dinner. ha! so i guess the rest of the week i’m eating chili and salads

when i weighed in tuesday, i thought i would stay the same or gain, but i lost .4, so that’s still a loss and it all adds up. then i usually give myself tuesday night to ‘be bad’ and i did on tuesday, and wednesday. but i can’t beat myself up. i’ve done well today even with the coneys (i think, lemme go look this up right now…ok, i went over 3 pts for the day). anyway, i now have yummy fresh food in the fridge and it’s mostly veggies for salads. i just wish it would warm up so i would want to eat more salads, it’s just so hard when it’s cold out.

as for exercise…tuesday i came home and got out my new lawn mower and cut the grass, trimmed and raked-we’ll check tuesday as having exercised. wednesday…can i count going from the bar to the bathroom as exercise? guess it depends on how many times and how far away it is… i stayed up till after 1am that night. wednesday…uuummm, nothing-but i did go to bed at the usual time. tonight, there’s still a chance, i am still awake. i’m just soooo tired from the last 2 nights and it’s my own fault.

so, that leaves me fri, sat, sun and mon to do very very good so i don’t kick myself at weigh-in. i don’t know why i do it. it’s like every-other week, i go nuts with food. then the other every-other weeks, i do great.

not very inspired at the moment, just tired. i should go to bed early so i can get up early and walk. promises…promises.

let’s see…rite now, emotionally, i’m kinda in the dumps. i weighed myself this a.m. and it looks like i went up 1lb. now i KNOW that really doesn’t mean anything. i did have a salty snack the night before (duh!), i didn’t get all my water in and aliens could be landing on my roof to be roomies with the squirrel that has found a way under the siding of my house (gggrrrr! it’s driving my cats nuts, running upstairs, downstairs, up, down) the squirrel has got to go!

anyway, i know it could be a number of things and tomorrow, it could go down again, but…waaahhhh! i feel like i’ve done so well this week (give or take a couple of oops(es) which is normal for me). i started walking on my treadmill saturday and did it sunday. i tried this a.m. before work, but i literally was falling asleep while walking, so i got 3 minutes in lol! i should go down and walk when i’m finished with this. cross that out… i WILL go down and walk when i’m finished with this.

so foodwise.. i only had 4 Tbs creamer total for all my coffee today. when i woke up, my stomach was growling. when i got to work, i had a yogurt at 8. 1 hour later-tummy growling again, so i had low sugar oatmeal at 9. by 11 my stomach started again! i know what i ate was not a lot, especially the yogurt, but oatmeal usually holds me over pretty well. so for almost an hour, my tummy held a conversation with my brain. then my brain got sick of the chatter and went to lunch 10 minutes early. i had leftover wheat spaghetti and black bean chili w/2 Tbs romano/parm cheese (still yummy!) and was stuffed! later i had a 2pt pack of baked cheetos (cause i like to munch after lunch and didn’t bring veggies today). once i got home, i made a salad like the other day that was only 5 pts.

so, i have 1 hour left before my self-proclaimed cut-off time of 8pm. i’m not hungry now, but in a couple of hours, i could be. so i may get some veggies or something (that’s not salty) since i have to weigh-in tomorrow. and i have to drink my water tonight.

well, i feel a little better now. i know i’ll feel better once i exercise. and if my weigh-in is even or up tomorrow…so what?! at least now i am exercising and plan to keep doing it.

this blog is helping me stay in the mental game so i will be back tomorrow!

9am and i’ve had my weekend coffee and smokes. gearing up to do laundry, vacuuming, clean the bathroom, plan my meals for the week, go to mom’s to fix the toilet…oh yeah, that thing called exercise…hhmmm. yeah, i gotta do it. just have to remember how GREAT i felt yesterday after walking. just don’t think about it, do it. OK, i’ll be back in a little while…

WOO HOO! i did it. i started my ‘jog’ sooner than yesterday so in the end, i cut 2 minutes off my time while still doing 1.03 miles. wow, my mind is racing now. i also did some arm exercises with light weights. i remembered this routine i have on vhs that i taped from mag rack through my digital cable. it’s a circuit training set for your arms and as you progress, you just add weight. so considering i’m on day 2 of exercise… they were just 3 lbs. but i still felt it at the end, so i’m on the right track.

now i’m eating a yogurt to get something in me (2pt) and realize that i’m wasting points in the a.m. with my flavored creamer in my coffee. today was the first day i actually measured my servings of creamer (1Tbs=1pt) so i’m proud of that..no more lying to myself! and i used 6pts on freakin creamer! wtf was i thinking?! that’s a whole other meal i can have during the day. well, i can’t just quit using it, i’ll go nuts (too late, right? LOL), so i’ll have to wean myself off of it.

OH OH!!! i also thought of something else while i was walking! in 8 weeks, i get together with some girlfriends for a weekend camping trip for GIRLS ONLY. it’s a blast! last year was my first time and i can’t wait to go this year. so along with my goal i have for the first of may, i can set another short term goal for the happy campers weekend! yah! something to think about and work towards.

this came to mind when got dressed to get on my treadmill this a.m. i put on a halter so i could sweat and not want to quit (like i would in a t-shirt) and it’s a halter that i wore on the weekend last year. i remember what i looked like once the pics were developed. OMG!!! i knew i was big (boobs, gut, butt, etc.) but seeing it in print. man, my mind does some real trickery when i’m lookin in the mirror, cause that is NOT what i see. now i know. OK, i’m feelin good rite now (endorphins kickin in), so i’m gonna post a pic from that weekend. i’m hopin that will give me the kick in the ass to really work towards looking better and leaner in 8 weeks when we go this year.

well, just as soon as i figure out how to insert my uploaded pic..hhhmmmm

faces have been blurred to protect ‘the tubby’

yah! did it! OMG! this pic is sooooooo embarassing. i just hope that looking at it every day will push me. more later…
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almost noon and i’ve had coffee, yogurt and a big salad (only 4pts), not bad for a weekend. laundry is going, vacuuming (upstairs) almost done, i can’t believe how good i feel right now! the true test will be tomorrow morning when i get up…will i get on the treadmill? i know i have to, but at least on the weekend, i have time to wake up and do it when i’m ready. to do it before work, well i just need ot suck it up and do it. i think i’m going to work on some drawings, haven’t done that in a while. something to relax and keep my mind busy i guess (so i don’t think i’m bored and want to eat)
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4pm: still doin laundry (goin slow today) just ate ‘early’ dinner: wheat spaghetti, black bean chili (that i made), regular parm/romano cheese = 8pts

i actually have 9 pts left for the day and i try not to eat past 8pm, so i’ll have to find something else in a few hours for ‘late’ dinner. i could have more wheat spaghetti w/black bean chili (it was really good!). but don’t wanna eat too much of 1 thing in a day. i’ll figure something out, just so long as it isn’t salty. i hate waking up with puffy, baggy eyes!

i got most of my cleaning list completed, but when it starts to get later in the day, i’m done and don’t want to do anything, especially once it gets dark. anyway…

ok, here’s the routine on the weekends…

get up, make coffee, drink lots of coffee, sit in front of computer smoking cigarettes (i know, and please don’t…one thing at a time), see what friends have to say on various sites, wonder why no friends have said anything, get worked up from coffee and cigarettes, start thinking about what i have to do, need to do, can’t afford to do, wait for it…here it comes…STRESS!! (all the crap in daily life gets in my head and shoots around like a meteor shower, and i wait for something to hit and trigger something to happen…ANYTHING) head for the downward spiral, hide in my house and do nothing but wish (which as we all know, gets you NOWHERE).

ok, so here’s the good part… i was getting hungry this morning and decided to go eat breakfast (hmm, don’t feel like cooking, don’t feel like preparing anything, MAN am i lazy..oh well) go in the kitchen, look in the fridge, look in the cabinet, look in the freezer (anything on the counter? ahhh! nevermind…) start to go back upstairs to computer, glance over at treadmill on the way (hhmm, ok i know i’ve lost 15 lbs on WW at work so far and i know the last time i did WW, i lost weight by walking in the am before going to work. i’ve decided that i have to do it again and i know the hardest part is just getting started, i know it will calm my brain down, you know oxygen and all, so maybe if i….SHUT UP AND GET ON THE TREADMILL! oh, ok..)

WOO HOO! I walked 1 mile today and let me tell you…for someone who sits in front of a computer all day then goes home and sits on the sofa because her brain is cooked from heavy workload…this is a major accomplishment! i am SO freakin proud of myself! i got on and didn’t think about anything except my posture, focusing on that one spot on my curtains in the other room and breathing. as i walked, i resisted the urge to look at the numbers as they slowly climbed with my movement. i told myself to walk in a manner that felt good to me. don’t try for a certain amount of time or distance. just speed up and slow down as my body and lungs saw fit. i even did a little light jogging, well, it probably wasn’t what others would call jogging, but anyone who is remotely relating to what i’ve said so far, you know what i mean by jogging. i started to break a sweat and then my tummy growled, no wait…. it GROWLED. so i thought, don’t push it, you wanna go away from this with a positive attitude so you will come back tomorrow and do it again (even tho i hated the show, Seinfeld comes to mind, get out while the gettin is good). so i cooled down and looked at my numbers. 25 minutes and 1.07 miles. FREAKIN A! i can do this! then i stepped off and ate a banana.