Gotta get it out!

my mom is back in the hospital for the 3rd time in 3 months because of her diabetic foot problem. tomorrow they are taking half of her foot. it was supposed to be today, but they cancelled it. i don’t know why-wish i did because i took a half PTO and i don’t have many left, so it was wasted and i’m pissed… anyway, there is no circulation in her toes and the arteries there are too small for any surgeon to fix. they think there is enough blood flow in the larger arteries of the upper part of her foot to keep that alive and heal after the surgery. they plan on putting her in a hyperbaric oxygen tank to progress the healing. this will be a 4-6 month process to completely heal…if all goes well. if the foot starts to ‘die’, then the next step is amputation below the knee.

this thursday, the 21st, is my quit day for smoking. it’s not a special day or anything, i gave myself a month till i quit, and it happened to be the 21st when i said that. i’ve been fine until today. i have 2 days left and i haven’t really cut back. i do throw a lot of cigarettes away because i just don’t want them and i keep reminding myself that i will be able to breathe better and move without being winded. the thing is, last time i quit, i used the patch and it worked great, but i can’t use them this time (or anything else) because i’m taking wellbutrin and can’t combine it with any other products.

i’m getting nervous about quitting. i wonder if this is a bad time to quit because of the stress in my life, but i’ve kinda gotten accustomed to the stress. this has been going on since June 6 with my mom. and i have to stop some time soon. so i think, why not now. nothing is going to change in the stress department for a while and i can’t keep putting it off.

as to weight loss and all that good stuff… i’ve been watching my meals and doing a little better than OK. every now and then i binge on really bad stuff. like going to lunch with co-workers to a pizza buffet. or eating 2 small bags of chips in the evening. i’m still not getting enough veggies and fruit. i quit buying them from the grocery because i’m hardly home right now and end up throwing it all in the garbage. the hospital, however, has a phenomenal (!!!) salad bar and i eat that 2-3 times a week. i made a meatloaf to have for lunches this week and have some Boca burgers in the freezer. i’ve been living off of WW breakfast quesadillas for weeks. yummy, but still has preservatives, etc. (i’m not too crazy about eating micro-meals, but sometimes it’s the only choice).

exercise is walking from a parking lot through a hospital every day and that’s about it. i get up, feed mom’s cat, go to work, go see mom, go feed mom’s cat, come home and crash.

that is life for now. so if i can accomplish anything during this time.;..yah! sorry for being gone for so long. i will try to stop in each weekend for updates.

it is time for me to get my butt up and move. i have been dealing with my mom’s health issues (and the recent removal of her toe)-taking her to doc, hospital, etc. i am worn out and have no energy.

motivation will not come in some miracle flash of inspiration. i am old enough to know that if you want to change-only you can do it. i guess i don’t like change. it scares me. even good change. i am so used to having this body and how it feels. but it has begun to feel worse.

i have bad habits that need to be broken, like a stick upon the back of a horrendous criminal who would not bat an eye at any other affliction. otherwise, they will scar me and eventually kill me.

the changes are few, but difficult.

1. STOP smoking
2. exercise
3. eat healthy

sounds easy, huh? but we all know better. the older i get, the harder it will be to accomplish these changes. my body tells me so…LOL! but it is no laughing matter.

i see what is happening to my mom and my aunt because of their unhealthy lifestyles. i see myself following in their footsteps and i want to find a different path. theirs has been beaten into the ground. no use in my following, i know where it goes.

some way, some how, i need a rude awakening…a slap in the face to wake up and make changes. i’m afraid that i will have to change my friends. not that they don’t support what i want to do, but they don’t necessarily help. i don’t like the thought of that, because i love my friends and i know they love me. actually, the ones that really count want to make changes also. maybe if i push them to change, but it can only happen if they are ready also.

anyway….we’ll see what happens soon. keep your fingers crossed.

well, once again, it has been a while. i have a reason though, not an excuse. my mom has been in the hospital for 11 days at this point. she is diabetic with bad circulation and has gangrene starting on a toe. they put her last Wednesday Friday-did an angiogram but could not do angioplasty because of blockage in the knee. she had vascular bypass in her leg Tuesday and is recovering. we are waiting for them to send her home, hopefully tomorrow. (it’s just the tip of her toe-not down to the joint. they are hoping that the improved circulation will cause the dead skin on her toe to dry up and fall off-apparently, this is common.)

so i’ve been very busy and very tired. i was on vacation the week they admitted her, not much of a vacation-not her fault, just everything else went wrong that week also. her garage got flooded the night she went in. i couldn’t go to my girls camping trip, etc. i haven’t been to the grocery for over 2 weeks. i went Friday night and did very well. bought lots of fruit, chicken breast.i haven’t been able to exercise and i feel it. i’ve been eating out and i feel it. i’ve been stressing and i feel it. i’ve gained weight and i feel it.

i’m going to eat my healthy food and hope that i feel like exercising soon. hope that it gives me the energy i need. the energy that fast food does not. i know this, but when you have to be here and there at this and that time, fast food is the best option. i’ve tried to eat good fast food, but we all know how that goes. the gooey cheesey food tells you ‘i taste sooo good, and you are feeling sooo bad. i can make it all better.’ it lies….

i’m trying to get things under control for now. i will be back when things are closer to ‘normal’.

i’m back. it’s been a very long time since i’ve posted. lots of reasons…overtime at work, drawing, catching up with friends, overtime at work, doing repairs in my house, overeating, overtime at work, sleeping (a lot), collaborating with friend on her wedding video business and more (which includes my crash course on web design again), overtime at work… yeah, my butt is tired. oh and i forgot…fixing my treadmill! i got back on yesterday..woo hoo! it hurt, but it was a good hurt. i didn’t go for long, but i was sweating. i haven’t done anything for almost 2 months. i’ve been adjusting to a busy life and it’s still kicking my butt.it’s Memorial weekend and i have an extra day off work. sounds great huh? it is, except the short week will make work more stressful. as i said, i did go see a doc and i’m taking ‘happy pills’ now. i’ve tried a couple others in the past with no success. they made me feel disconnected and like i’m moving in slow-motion. this new one, it’s great! my problems that weighed me down before, so that i couldn’t even get 1 thing accomplished…don’t bother me so much now. now i just get up and do what i have to do. it’s not doom and gloom anymore.anyway, just a quick update, i’m still here. i’ve just been busy.i have also been listening to Jillian Michaels’ podcasts and she makes so much sense. i’m starting to like myself and realize that i’m the only one who can take care of myself and it’s never too late to start. it’s helping, and i figure that even if i get back into the swing of things slowly, at least i’m doing it. it feels a lot better than stuffing my face and hating myself afterwards.lody-thanks for noticing and holding me accountable! LOL!  

first of all…thanks lodyangel for being supportive.

i think i just needed to step away for a bit. things are very stressful for me at the moment. i think the gain was from preparing to quit smoking…so i ate out and i ate bad. since my last post, i’ve been cooking at home and packing lunches. and because of it, i’ve went back down 6 of the 8 i had gained back. i know it was mostly water and swelling because of what i was eating, but i felt it.

without totally going into it all…i’m training another new person at work, our dept is swamped with ‘need it now’ work orders, i’m doing OT, i’m exhausted and my brain is mush once i leave work, my mom calls all the time because she needs this or that fixed at her house (i’m an only child and my dad died 3 years ago), my house needs work and i just watch it getting worse because i can’t seem to get anyone to help (unless i pay through the nose), i’m trying to pay my credit cards down so i can fix the house, i come home and just want to sit-so my house is a wreck (today is cleaning day), i’m trying to eat right and get up the ‘ummppff’ to exercise and i need to quit smoking. UGH!

on their own, each of these are not so big, but they are all piled on my shoulders. i went to my gyno last week and she asked how i was (i hadn’t seen her in years, i know, i know). when i went into all of this, i broke down crying. she handed me tissues and asked if i had ever thought about talking to a someone. i told her i had been to a psychologist but it didn’t help that much and i couldn’t afford $20 a week (my co-pay). she asked if had ever taken anything for depression. i told her yes, twice, but both had made me feel more disconnected and that i couldn’t get my job done. so she wants me to try Wellbutrin. my insurance approved it a couple days ago and i started it yesterday. so we will see. i just need for things to not seem so serious or doom and gloom so i can function without having anxiety about regular ‘ole basic life.

i know we all have things pile up from time to time and i’m not going through a life or death situation, it’s just ’stuff’. but at the moment i’m drowning from this stuff and my air is running out. i have a lot of things i have to do today because yesterday, i did nothing. i sat on my butt with my friend and we watched youtube and break and tikibar on itunes. that was it. i should have went into work to get some things done, but i just couldn’t. i barely got a shower. i needed to do nothing. i worried about how doing nothing for a whole day was going to affect me, but i soon forgot. yah!

so anyway, i’m out of hiding…LOL! and will try to keep up with my blog and life.

i haven’t disappeared. i’m still here. i’ve just been eating badly and gaining back what i lost. so i’m in hiding for now.

OK, like i thought, this week at work was worse. my super was sooo sick, but she was there because we can’t do without anyone else. we also had to ‘borrow’ an employee who went to another dept to help get work done. but the worst thing is, i caught whatever my super has….GRRR! so needless to say, on top of being exhausted after work and now being sick, there has been no exercise this week either.

now the confusing part…i’ve dropped another 2 pounds. i’ve been eating ok and keeping hydrated (to sooth my throat since i haven’t went to the doc yet). i wonder if it’s the added water and the fact that i’m too busy so i’m only eating 3 meals a day and that’s it. i haven’t had time for any mid-morning or afternoon fruit, veggies or whatever. the thing is, when meals come around, i am starving! so i should be eating a snack in between. my body is telling me so. but at work, my lunch is portioned and that’s all i have to eat, so it’s not like i can overeat at work. and once i do eat, i’m full. dinner…well, i’ve overate a couple times. but i’m so hungry by the time i’m home, that i’m eating around 6-6:30 and that’s it. so i’m thinking that the early dinner has something to do with it too.

so since i’m ‘adjusting’ to this ’schedule’ and i am dropping weight, i’m going to try to keep it this way and see what happens. i’m working on my meals being better so i will have better nutrients and more energy and keep drinking the water.

on a side note, part of the reason i’m got limited meals this week - my mom was almost flooded from the rain. i had to move the mowers out of her garage to higher ground and then back in the next night. i also carried stuff out of the basement in case it got water (which i still have to put back, but too sick right now and she does not need whatever i’ve got). good news is, no water came up! yah!

so, i guess i will be back next weekend (with fingers crossed) and see if i’ve dropped any more! once work gets back to normal or i get an unexplained burst of energy, i’ll jump back into working out.

well, once again, it’s been a week since i’ve been here. i’m working my butt of at work and don’t have the energy to do anything once i get home and next week will be worse. i haven’t been eating well this week and exercise is non-existent. i feel the results of this. yesterday, i felt like i was waddling when i walked….UGH!

after work yesterday, a co-worker and i went for a few drinks so we could complain about work and what it’s doing to us all. i needed that. then i went to see a different co-workers art exhibit at a gallery. very nice stuff. unfortunately, we ended up talking about work and things are tough all over. but it was wonderful to see him outside of work and also discuss our art and what we see in each other’s abilities. he’s been encouraging me to start drawing again and i asked him to keep kicking me in the butt about it. he agreed…LOL!

i’m looking around my house this a.m. and OMG, what a freakin mess. i’ve never been molly maid, but it’s really disgusting right now. so i guess i know what i’ll be doing this weekend. i want to clean, i want to exercise, i want to draw, i want to rest. i don’t know if i can do it all. i don’t want it to become a ‘list’ of have-to-do’s, otherwise, none of it will get done. but anyway…

i hope all are doing well, and hopefully better than me at the moment. if not, i promise to kick you in the butt as long as you kick back. ; )

i am SO impressed with myself. yesterday, i went outside and shoveled my steps, walkway and driveway. the snow was about 10″ deep and deeper next to the street (*4-letter word* snow plows). now, if you know me, i’m on and off with the exercise, so i was breathing hard the whole time and sweating my butt off under 2-3 layers of clothing meant to keep me warm. i kept looking around and not a soul to be seen that might help this poor overweight, out of shape female with a blood-red face about to have a heart attack. not.a.soul. but i did it. because i knew no one else would and i had to get out of the driveway today. i took many 1-2 minute breaks, breathing like i had just run a marathon. i felt a little tightening in my chest (which scared me), but as long as i took breaks, i knew i’d be ok. i didn’t care if it took me all day, it had to be done. so once i was done and back inside, i was surprised to see it only took me 35 minutes. woopie! but once i got in where my heat was running, that’s when i really felt like i was going to die. i thought i would overheat and pass out. i started stripping clothes off as i headed to the shower.

once i got back downstairs to sit down and take a breather, i got curious about how many calories i had burned. so i went online and found numbers that ranged from 250 - near 400. some sites, you just put your weight and time spent. a couple asked if you were male or female. one even took in to account your height. but not one asked about your normal activity (sedentary, active, triathlete, etc). i would think that’s important. maybe not. i guess burning is burning. but my heart rate jumped way up after about 5 minutes, so i would think i burned more than any joe shmoe down the street who regularly benches 250.

whatever, I DID IT…BY MYSELF!!

then last night at 9pm, the *4-letter word* snow plows came through 2 more times and built a wall at the end of my drive that my little car would NOT get over…ARGH!!! so today…i grabbed my shovel again….LOL! but now i’m a pro and there wasn’t that much to do. i did have to break it up since it had turned to mostly ice overnight. but again…I DID IT! ok, enough patting on my back. oh yeah, and screw that snowman i mentioned yesterday. i’m done with snow!

warning-this post is kinda long!

i live in northern ky and there is a blizzard warning. my county has just been declared a level 3 snow emergency. this means even if i could dig out today, i can’t go get a new toilet seat to replace mine that broke last night…LOL! (i have an old washcloth duct taped around the break to keep it together. i don’t want to get pinched on the leg again, ouch!). i’m trying to upload some pics from my phone to show the snow, but having problems. i will try again later. we are expected to get up to 15 inches of snow and i think they’re right. it started yesterday at 8am. my employer closed at noon so we could all beat the rush and problems. i think most people were let out at noon, cause what normally takes me 12 minutes to get home was 45 minutes. most businesses shut down before dark yesterday. i can’t believe anyone would stay open and require their employees to stay when it’s just going to get worse. it’s not supposed to stop until early this evening. i’m watching the news and all the highways are covered in snow, even the major highways. maybe i should make a snowman to burn some calories….LOL! 

i haven’t been on here for almost a week because i’ve been working like mad at my job. one of our new people called on their 4th day and quit. the thing that makes me angry is she was a friend i recommended and she hasn’t even called to say…anything. if it’s not her thing, fine. but i know there was no miscommunication about the job, so….whatever.

i tried a recipe i found on allrecipes.com and YUMMY! i made it for the 2nd time in a week last night. i changed a couple things and noted them below. 

Greek Penne and Chicken

PREP TIME 20 Min…COOK TIME 30 Min…READY IN 50 Min…Original recipe yield: 4 servings

INGREDIENTS

1 (16 ounce) package penne pasta (too much pasta i recommend about half)
1 1/2 tablespoons butter (i used olive oil)
1/2 cup chopped red onion2 cloves garlic, minced
1 pound skinless, boneless chicken breast halves - cut into bite-size pieces
1 (14 ounce) can artichoke hearts in water (i omitted-yuck)
1 tomato, chopped
1/2 cup crumbled feta cheese
3 tablespoons chopped fresh parsley
2 tablespoons lemon juice
1 teaspoon dried oregano (i used basil instead)
half small can of sliced black olives (my addition)
salt to taste (i omitted, feta is salty enough)
ground black pepper to taste

DIRECTIONS

In a large pot with boiling salted water cook penne pasta until al dente. Drain.

Meanwhile, in a large skillet over medium-high heat melt butter, add onion and garlic and cook for 2 minutes. Add chopped chicken and continue cooking, stirring occasionally until golden brown, about 5 to 6 minutes.

Reduce heat to medium- low. Drain and chop artichoke hearts and add them, chopped tomato, feta cheese, fresh parsley, lemon juice, dried oregano, and drained penne pasta to the large skillet. Cook until heated through, about 2 to 3 minutes.

Season with salt and ground black pepper. Serve warm.

let me know what you think if you try it!