Or was my shirt a little bit looser when I put it on to go to work yesterday? I honestly can’t say for sure because I’m still not subjecting myself to the scales or the tape measure, but it had been more than a week since my last shift and I don’t think the buttons were straining quite so much. Or it could just be my imagination.

The fish are having an exciting time. I went to look at them last night and found 3 of the white clouds (they do look like tetras, don’t they?) were in the bottom pond. They’d started off in the top pond but apparently the tube is big enough for fish and down they went. Well, I figure that since the tube fits fish, then it’s going to fit mozzie wrigglers, as well, and that’s why I got the fish, so I’ve left them there. Too much adventure probably isn’t good for them.

I’m really enjoying the SMART Mode™ sessions in the morning. Still do them naked, and I think this really helps with my hot flushes, too. I let the cool morning air surround me and cool me down. The theory behind these is all part of Jon’s idea about stress and eating. I know for sure that I’m a stress eater. His idea is that to some extent our brains are hardwired to see that stress=starvation and therefore we need to eat to overcome it. That our caveman brains are a simple thing and if we can de-stress them then it’s going to help with part of the problem. I read these two articles this morning, and they really spoke to me about it. This one helps with dealing with different kinds of stress. One thing I didn’t realise was the importance of carbohydrates in being happy. I suffer from depression and try to keep aware of how I can help myself keep out of that. I now try to keep carbohydrates (the good kind) in my diet so that I can build my own serotonins.

I thought this article was really interesting and helpful, too. I know I’m a social eater. If my friends have all brought a plate, I do feel that I have to have something from each plate because it’d be rude not to, right? I don’t want anyone to feel rejected. Only I have to remember that I am not responsible for other people’s feelings and that food is not the solution to all problems. I have been known to ask if I can take something home, and then not eat it. It feels sneaky but, you know, sort of virtuous.

I also really enjoyed this article by Craig Harper. Self-pity can be a big part of my depression and it’s something I do have the power to overcome. How I feel about something is up to me. Sometimes I try to talk myself out of it by reading a comic or funny book or website. Sometimes I can write to forget about it, and sometimes I do something else nice for myself like seeing a movie or having a wander round the shops. I look at skinny clothes and think about how it will be when I can wear them.

For too many years now I have looked at those racks of new clothes each season and told myself that next autumn (winter/spring/summer) I will be able to wear those pretty clothes that only seem to come in size 12. For too many years not I have disappointed myself, looked back over that year and asked myself “what have I done to change?” and the answer has been “nothing”, because a few weeks of trying to eat less, or walking a little bit more is not going to cut it.

I dressed up my model in a nice autumn outfit. The kind of thing I like to wear. The way I will look this time next year.