The life I was meant to live

I’ve hit a stalemate. I saw some difference, and I remember telling myself that I couldn’t possibly see myself going back to my old ways. I was repulsed when I thought back to how I would literally raid the baking shelf and mix up random concoctions to curb some sort of craving. I thought the days of eating pizza like I hadn’t eaten in a week were gone. But it’s back. I can’t bring myself to move. I can’t bring myself to just eat something healthy, or do something healthy. I have lost my power to say no thanks when I’m offering some kind of gooey sickening sweet treat and I have found myself having a sip or two of alcohol. I am disgusted with myself at the moment. A month ago I felt the complete opposite. I was all gung ho for everything positive, whether it was about food, exercise or life in general.
I could make a list of reasons why it happened.. And I can remember back to each step it took me to get here. I became someone who says that ‘ I will start back in tomorrow’ or ‘monday.. Monday I will get back on the wagon’. Well, Mondays have come and gone and lord knows a lot of tomorrows have come and gone.
I have gained 10 pounds,.. Give or take a few and I can’t believe it. I feel tired, snarly, lazy and depressed. My body is lacking nutrients, my emotions are out of control and I, in general am out of control. I don’t know how to get back on it. I sit here and think about how much I miss Nik and I feel jipped out of our relationship since we can never seem to be together, I feel useless because while waiting for my Visa I can’t really get a job in any location because I’m always leaving it. I feel like a stranger in my own home town. I don’t want to have to be away from nik for a year and worry about him in Iraq. I feel like no one really understands what I’m going through.. And the ones that do are far away. SO there are my excuses. I could go on about how I know what vitamins can help my seretonin levels, or how to fix low cortisone or how it’s all in my mind and I need to gain control but I don’t want to.
I went from feeling better than I have in my whole life to feeling right back to where I was when I started.
I’m disgusted with myself. I need someone around me who is in the same boat as me. But I know it’s me that has to do the work, and it’s me that is the only one that can deal with the issues I have. I need to bunker down and just do it. Just do it.

I need to stop actig like I have everything under control.. because I don’t. And I need some help.

since then, I few days have gone by. I’m on my way back up and i’m doing ‘ok’. I really wish I could be sent to some sort of rehab so I focus on this better. BUT i’m getting back on track.. today is a new day!