The life I was meant to live

food

breakfast: 2 cups water
1/2 cup vanilla source yogurt, 1/2 cup pure pumpkin, 1/3 cup all bran, nutmeg and cinnamin

snack:
1/3 cup mix and mingle nut and seed mix with raisins
2 cups water

Lunch:
whole wheat super store hamburger bun
2 egg whites
1 ounce cheese
1/2 tsp ranch dressing
spinach
2 cups water
an orange
1 60 % dark chocolate square

Snack: 1/2 moms homemade squares
            unsweetend applesauce
            2 cups water

Dinner
1/2 cup brown rice
1/2 skinless boneless chicken breast stri fried in canola oil and garlic with 1 red pepper and 3 mushrooms
an orange
2 cups water

Today I went for a walk ( 1 k) and swimming.. 14 laps of a 25 meter distance.. so that equals.. i dont know how many meters. .My arms are aching! They shouldnt.. but they do. It’s been so long since ive swam. It feels weird! i used to be able to swim forveer, no problems. gone are the days of lifeguarding! hehe

ANyway, its mom bday and im off for another walk so PERHAPS i can have a sliver of cake! hehe

Well.. I have officially made it a week with no binging and stay right on plan! yay me!

Yesterday’s food

Breakie: 1 whole wheat pite
                1 egg
                1/2 ounce light cheese
                2 cups water

Snack: 4 stone ground wheat crackers
            1 tbsp organic natural peanut butter
             2 cups water

Dinner: BBQ chicken breast
              1/2 bbq red onion
               2 dill pickles
               2 cups water
                1 cup unsweetened strawberries
                2 tbsps un sweetened blueberries with splenda
                1 cup coffee

Snack: 4 stoneground wheat crackers with one ounce of light cheese

a couple nights ago  I went out to the local bar with APril. Oh my dear.. i’m never going there again.. I feel like I should be on candid camera at the bars here.. lol I was sober though! I ust drank a couple bottles of water and had one shot of sanbuca with april. I’m proud of myself.  I’ve gone from steady drinking to hardly drinking and I feel good. I like that i’m at a point in my life where I finally dont feel that i ‘need’ to drink to have fun! yay for me.

Stayed at the cottage last night with diana. We played a bunch of board games and watched big brother. This morning i went for a walk with mom and i hope to go for a 5k tonight too.

Food for today

Breakie: 1/2 cup probiotic yogurt
                1/4 cup allbran
                1 serving un sweetend applesauce
                1 tbsp flaxseed

Snack: 3/4 cup organic oatmeal with almond slices, splenda bs and 2 tbsp milk
             2 cups water
   
Lunch: 2 cups water
             1 serving whole wheat spaghetti with diced tomatoes, parmesan cheese and 1/2 ounce melted light cheddar
             1/2 can no sugar added fruit cocktail

DInner: PIzza Delight chicken skillet on rice
               1/2 piece garlic bread
              2cups water
                60% dark chocolate serving
I was so proud of myself at pizza D tonite! ALL i wanted was garlic fingers and a ceasar salad and i didn’t do it! i didn’t give in and i got the healthiest thing i could find. There was lots of bitter.. but at least it was all veggies and chicken!
yay me!

I was at the cottage for the night last night so I never had the chance to write yesterday. Here’s yesterday’s food:
Breakfast: 1 cup organic oatmeal with sliced almonds, raisins, splenda BS and flaxseed. With 2 tbsp of milk.
2 cups water

Lunch: 3/4 can tomato soup with 1/2 ounce of cheese
           over crisped pita with garlic and 1/2 tsp canola oil
           2 cups water

Snack: One of mom’s homemade brownbread rolls, fresh out of the oven! ( I only had one! I  was proud of myself.. cause it was all I could do to not eat 3 more.. literally)
2 cups water

Dinner: BBQ’d chicken breast
           grilled asparagus with lemon and random spices
           2 cups water

Snack: grilled pita with garlic and parmasan cheese, 2 tpsb sour cream
           3 veggie crackers
            Coffee
            2 cups water
            1/2 tsp vanilla icecream
(see how the binge was ABOUT to happen? )

Today I hit my five day binge free… thankfully! Last night was hard! I need to do my best NOT to save my second snack of the day until the evening if I can help it! Not t o mention, last night my supper didn’t turn out as planned. My roasted redpeppers I planned to have didn’t cook in time, and my asparagus too. I need to start planning my meals a bit more ahead of time so things get done correctly and I don’t go hungry and end up shoving random crap down my throat!

I still lost weight since yesterday, so i’m happily surprised..
Since I started at 298.7 ( that was my weight after my 3 week+relapse) I am back down to 285.8.. 5.8 pounds till i’m at 280….which is teh lowest weight I was at.. for one day only. I plan on walking out of those damn 280s on the asap!

I plan on a nice walk this afternoon as long as it doesnt start raining.. doesn’t look like it will right now. I thought that today was the 5k I had signed up for on 3fatchicks.. but that’s not until NEXT saturday. I figured since I thought it was this saturday, I might as well follow through.

Is it wrong that i’m nervous that my weight will go up once i start working out more? I havn’t jumped hard back into the workout stuff since the relapse cause i wanted to get my eating completely under control first. It’s time to start working out more regularly.. but I know that my weight will go out with the muscle building. haha I nee dto get over that damh scale.. i know that.

Food for today:
Breakfast: 3/4 cup organic oatmeal with spleda BS, sliced almonds, flaxseeds and 2 tbsp milk
2 cups water
an orange

Snack: unsweetened applesauce with protien powder
2 cups water

Lunch: 1 skinless boneless chicken breast
 2 roasted red peppers
2 cups water
Unsweeteed applesauce

snack:
1/2 cup source vanilla yogurt with 1/3 cup all bran , 1 tsp organic natural peanut butter and 1/2 tsp cocoa
2 cups water

dinner:
Scallops ( panfried with garlic and lemon juice)
1/2 cup rice
Green beans
2 cups water
An orange

Things are really getting under control for the states.. and now I have this nagging feeling in the back of my head that this isn’t going to happen because i will have tow ait so long to get the interview. Things are just taking too long and im SOOO worried I wont get the k1 in time to get to the states, get married and get registered and whatnot with the military before niks deployment.
Im getting SUPER pumped to go to Kentucky with Mel and Mr. L… It is my final decision of where I will go and I just dont want it to mess up.  Im torn between just not thinking of the worse situation and living in the power of now, or planning for the worst. HMPH.

Don’t look at me the wrong way today or i just might cry. student loans/immigration visas/long distance engagements have got me down. i stayed on plan though.. ( miracles DO happen) and i figrue if i made it through today without shoving garlic fingers and icecream down my gullet  them i’m prettymuch invincible!

Foood

Breakfast: 1 cup of organic Oatmeal with almonds, splenda BS, raisins, protien powder and flaxseeds
2 cups water

Lunch: 3 eggwhites with 1 ounce of cheese and 1/3 tomato on 1 piece of multigrain prebiotic bread
2 cups water
unsweetend applesauce

snack:2 cups water
3/4 vanilla source yogurt , with 1/3 all bran, 1 tsp cocoa
an orange

Dinner: 1 fillet oven baked fish
2 cups water
1 cup broccoli with 2 tsp cheese whiz ( i can’t help it!)

snack: i piece of prebiotic multigrain bread with one ounce of light cheese and 1/2 tsp margarine

Can’t bring myself to ramble about strife any more today. But i’m sure going to be reading my ‘ power of now ‘ book tonite!!!

Food today:

Breakfat: orgnic oatmeal made with almond slices, raisins, flaxseed, little bitta milk and splenda brown sugar
                 2 cups water
Snack: 2 cups water
             yogurt with allbran mixed in
             An orange
Lunch: Open faced no fat turkey sandwich with lettuce, smoked gouda, red onion, tsp blue cheese dressing
             1 cup green grapes
             2 cups water
snack: unsweetened applesauce
             1 ounce light cheese
             2 cups water
Dinner: 2 cups water
              whole wheat pita filled with chicken, garlic, onions, mushrooms and smoked gouda cheese, oil
              3/4 cup sorbet

I went swimming today and for a short walk back from the lake. I think this is the first time i’ve been swimming in a long time! I miss it!! Swimming was my life when I was little but it sort of withered away. I am going to call tomorrow about adult swimming hours at the pool. I’m excited!

Thinking seriously about Kentucky for a year. Would love to be near friends.. just hope school and work are possibilities while Im there. The other option is NC with Niks gpa. Another good option. But I want my own place. I guess it’s a question of money and opportunities now. Even though my mental state is pretty high on the list too.

I feel like I have so much to do for this visa thing.. even though it’s all i’ve been doing forever. Will it ever end? and the biggest question is ‘will it be donein time?’ I can’t help but be nervous about that little aspect.

Anyway, My energy is up now that i’m BINGE FREE FOR 2 and almost 3 DAYS! hehe I think im ready to get the exercise going tomorrow. Baby steps abby.. baby steps!
                        

Food Today :
Breakfast : 3/4 cup vanilla source yogurt, 1/3 cup all bran, 1 tbsp flax, 1 tsp cocoa ( was craving chocolate)
                      1 orange
                      2 cups water
Snack: 2 cups water
             3/4 cup trail mix

Lunch: Advantage whole wheat red pepper pasta ( frozen dinner) with added light cheese and 1 roasted red pepper
             1 ounce dark chocolate
             2 cups water

Dinner: Chicken curry on 1/2 cups rice
               2 cups water
               1/3 cucumber
                1/2 low fat frozen yogurt and 1 maple cookie 

I need to get those maple cookies out of this house. I hadn’t eaten them for years.. and dad bought them… and well they have always been my fave cookie. At least I only ate one where I would normally eat a whole row or more!! whoops!

I started reading a new health book last night : 8 weeks to your optimum health by Andrew Weil
It’s really good so far! It has steps you can take each week to help you mentally, physically and spiritually - that’s what caught my eye.. the way he combines all three aspects and finds them all equaly important. I’m really excited to start the program.. he lays everything out very simply and organized and in steps.. so you aren’t bombarded with lots of changes at once. I’m going to read this week and get back on MY plan and then start incorporating him on sunday of next week.

SO I had  agood morning, reading, preparing some good food and then the visa work started. At least I know that after hours of being nohold my visa packet is on it’s way. I’m getting anxious.. in a good way.. things are starting to come together. Lots of money will be dissapearing out of my pockets.. well more ike niks and my parents for trips to montreal, doctor appointments and whatnot to complete my visa application. I will be married soon!! crazy! However.. the pre stress is not gone yet.. lots more paper work to fill out.
 

So upon realizing that I can’t do this on my own, I started looking into some overeaters stuff and found a 12 step program. I didn’t really know this type of rehab stuff was available for food and it’s kind of refreshig to find. I’m going to begin my food planning today. In relaity, 12 steps are kind of common sense and what I was doing to begin with, but having it all written out in an organized way will help me to keep in control and organized, which is my major flaw. Having stuff written down and step by step definitly helps me. I need to make it as hard as possible to binge or give up on myself.  I see more self help books in my future.. haha but that’s ok!

My food today:
Breakfast- 1/2 cup vanilla source yogurt, tbsp protien powder, 1/3 cup all bran
                  - 2 cups water
                   -orange

Snack: -1/3 cucumber with 1 tbsp balsamic vinigar
               -1 once light cheddar cheese
               -2 cups water

Lunch- 1 slice prebiotic multigrain and seed bread
           - 3 eggs whites cooked in 1 tsp canola oil
           -1/8th red onion
            -1/3 tomato
             -1 once cheese
             -2 cups water
            -1 serving unsweetened applesauce

DInner - 3/4 cups broccoli w/ 1 1/2 tbsp cheese sauce
              - 1 fillet boiled fish with lemon juice and sprinkle of no salt added citrus and pepper spice
              - 1 cup cooked baby spinach
               -2 cups water
                - 3/4 cup low fat frozen yogurt and 1 maple cream cookie

I’m proud of myself, I ate properly all day.
My plan is to eat 5 times a day- 3 meals and 2 snacks. I wanted to have a yummy desert tonite, so I used my calories for my dessert. Im extra proud cause I didn’t take a lot.. just a small calculated amount. yay! Hopefully I will make it through the night with snack. Although, I have a cucumber on hand JUST in case I get an uncontrollable urge.

I’ve hit a stalemate. I saw some difference, and I remember telling myself that I couldn’t possibly see myself going back to my old ways. I was repulsed when I thought back to how I would literally raid the baking shelf and mix up random concoctions to curb some sort of craving. I thought the days of eating pizza like I hadn’t eaten in a week were gone. But it’s back. I can’t bring myself to move. I can’t bring myself to just eat something healthy, or do something healthy. I have lost my power to say no thanks when I’m offering some kind of gooey sickening sweet treat and I have found myself having a sip or two of alcohol. I am disgusted with myself at the moment. A month ago I felt the complete opposite. I was all gung ho for everything positive, whether it was about food, exercise or life in general.
I could make a list of reasons why it happened.. And I can remember back to each step it took me to get here. I became someone who says that ‘ I will start back in tomorrow’ or ‘monday.. Monday I will get back on the wagon’. Well, Mondays have come and gone and lord knows a lot of tomorrows have come and gone.
I have gained 10 pounds,.. Give or take a few and I can’t believe it. I feel tired, snarly, lazy and depressed. My body is lacking nutrients, my emotions are out of control and I, in general am out of control. I don’t know how to get back on it. I sit here and think about how much I miss Nik and I feel jipped out of our relationship since we can never seem to be together, I feel useless because while waiting for my Visa I can’t really get a job in any location because I’m always leaving it. I feel like a stranger in my own home town. I don’t want to have to be away from nik for a year and worry about him in Iraq. I feel like no one really understands what I’m going through.. And the ones that do are far away. SO there are my excuses. I could go on about how I know what vitamins can help my seretonin levels, or how to fix low cortisone or how it’s all in my mind and I need to gain control but I don’t want to.
I went from feeling better than I have in my whole life to feeling right back to where I was when I started.
I’m disgusted with myself. I need someone around me who is in the same boat as me. But I know it’s me that has to do the work, and it’s me that is the only one that can deal with the issues I have. I need to bunker down and just do it. Just do it.

I need to stop actig like I have everything under control.. because I don’t. And I need some help.

since then, I few days have gone by. I’m on my way back up and i’m doing ‘ok’. I really wish I could be sent to some sort of rehab so I focus on this better. BUT i’m getting back on track.. today is a new day!