195.4 - That’s the number. Just a number, posted, and now I am checking off my to do for the day. Gonna go try to cook up some stuff and maybe get a semi healthy, or at least portioned food plan for work today. Exhausted from staying up to late last night, but feel like my head is a little clearer. Gotta find the gumption to bust out some serious work today at work.

Here I go….

Son’s 19th Friday. No party, just exhausted myself willing him to understand that the world owes him nothing, he has to get out there and take it by the horns. I worry and celebrate and am thankful and miffed all at the same time. At his age I had a two year old, two jobs school, was paying some bills and had the desire to better my situation. He has a crappy job, can’t decide on school, is broke and has an erratic ebb and flow of motivation.

Boblian and I did Disneyland Saturday. Nice day out of strolling around, waiting in line, eating everything in site and trying to ignore the countless numbers of teenagers making out with each other. Boys with boys, girls with girls, girls with boys. But they are so young and… well, I will not kick in controversy here, it was just a VERY sad reminder that there are so many kids craving attention and lost in a world that is too busy to guide them. Many of the kids were loaded, and some obnoxiously so. Making sure everyone around them knew they were Rave kids. I just don’t understand. I’m not racist, or prejudice, or anywhere close to perfect. I understand the joys of youth, and did PLENTY in my day to  stand out and buck society. But I always carried a sense of respect and still had some fear in me.   I guess  the world has changed, and I’m finally old :). Anywho, was a 12 hour day on my feet and needless to say, the lethargy of my feet and mind lasted through….

Fathers day. Today. Called my dad and step dad! One was going fishing, the other to an Angels game. Boblian didn’t get calls from any of the kids. Breaks my heart. My son’s biological sperm donor was/is a meth addict and has never been a part of his life. My choice for self preservation when I was pregnant. If you want to hound me for robbing my son of a father, feel free to contact that creep in the California prison system. He’s serving a 5 year stint for possession, theft and intent to distribute. This following previous stints in the clinker for spousal abuse, under the influence of narcotics, battery of a police officer and other violent and drug related crime. I never did the drug but suffered too many consequences of it to bring my son into a life that it would be prevalent in, and unfortunately, had I kept the relationship, I would have been RIGHT. Boblians kids, however, have him. A hard working, soft hearted man who bends over backwards to give his kids a good life. And their mothers know it. He pays to support them, and spends all the time he can with them. We are planning to buy a new house in the near future to give each their own room. We are looking for a more kid friendly boat. Our life plans ALWAYS include how to accommodate all of us, not just Boblian and I. We love to help the kids buy or make things for their mom’s birthdays, mothers day, Christmas. He gets nothing. Not even a damn phone dialed for his kids to say Hi papa, we love you. He says its okay, but I see his heart breaking. I am amazingly disappointed with the other adults in this at the moment. A simple phone call or two would have made the difference today. Done venting about this.

I bet I weight 197. Will know tomorrow morning. I feel fat, frumpy and genuinely disconnected from all forms of things healthy and forward moving. I have to get back on track tomorrow. I’m at that place where I feel suspended between being sick of bad for me food, whether take out or home cooked, and I don’t have the energy or creativity to b prepped with healthy stuff to eat. I’ve spent years here before and know in my heart of hearts that I can’t stay here like that again. It’s agonizing. Gotta find my zing. Reach deep and pull out some power an ounce at a time. My planning brain is kicking in. Here’s my mini goals for the week. Will stack them on day by day.

Monday - Weigh in. Post it. Live with it as a new starting point. No griping about the gain. Its just a number.

Tuesday - Water - 1/2 gallon by 5pm. Coffee first is okay. 2 cups. After that, water until its gone. Just do it.

Wednesday - 10 smokes per day only! the countdown is on. Start eliminating ration by 1 every other day. Its stinky, stupid, expensive and can kill you. Get over it.

Thursday - prepare my lunch. Cook it, pack it, what ever, but at least one meal today needs to be planned and healthy.

Friday - Reread my posts. Look for the pattern. Look for fire. Pick something to not repeat, and something to restart your fire!

slow and steady wins the race. something small everyday. The rest will come. Gotta replace bad habits with better ones. I can do this. I know underneath this fat surrounded exhausted exterior, I am amazing. Time to shed the pieces that bog down my super exciting, extra blessed life. Gonna start with a good 8 hours sleep…. guess I better get on it.

Welp… this morning went from Missing in Action to Motivation in Action.  Did a 30 minute boxing routine on Fit TV  and program one on my new Crunchless Abs DVD.  This weekend was a nightmare and a blessing. Will fill in later.  Forced myself to come here and post to keep the dream alive. Now I gotta go get ready for work.

Council is hopefully approving budget today and it includes a 9/80 work schedule! Bring o on the Fridays off! So excited to hear the outcome!

It’s 8:40pm and this is GOING TO be a long blog. Haven’t been here in over a week except to check out a few of my favorites. I have been frantic the last few hours just trying to figure out what to do to cure my spinning brain. Realized I needed a blog hit.

This weekend I realized that through single mom days and my obsessive need to continually plan, not necessarily do, I have created a monster. My DS has yet to find a full time job. School has been out a week, he’s sitting around in his underwear… but he’s GOING TO - look for a job, bring in the trash cans, move his laundry, pay a bill. GOING TO. Not did, not in the process of, but GOING TO. When he said it, I stopped dead in my tracks. He’s said it a hundred times before but today it threw me for a loop. I have inadvertently ingrained in him that GOING TO is enough, for the moment, any moment. I have sooo fallen into the trap for so many years of letting myself stand tall for GOING TO and taking the credit as if I have done something. Like it makes it okay that whatever “it” is is not actually happening because I’m GOING TO. Hello. Don’t you know I’m GOING TO. I have let these two words eat at me all day. They are never followed by a specific time to expect completion. I’m going to later, now, tomorrow, the 12th, at 10. No wonder I haven’t been successful. No wonder my DS is in wavering land, has no motivation, and doesn’t care. He, like myself, has already claimed the victory in GOING TO. The rush of finish line, the adrenaline of making a positive step towards a new future, even the high of telling someone else about your success all comes and goes in a 5 second response. GOING TO. There’s no commitment in going to, but there is supplied instant gratification. You get someone off your back. You get to pick something else instead. Prioritize by mood, convenience, fun, desperation. GOING TO is GOING NOWHERE. I need to lead by example, and put my exemplary foot down as well. I’m GOING TO starting right now.

Here’s the deal:

I am not going to:

1. Quick smoking by June 30th
2. Loose 10lbs by 4th of July
3. Work out 30 minutes per day
4. Prepare my food tomorrow morning
5. Do one load of laundry per night to keep up
6. Write down a to do list for my 18year old kid every day
7. Go to visit my sister with my mom
8. Ask for my increase on time.
9. Log my food daily
10. Blog twice per week

I am not GOING TO. I will. I am. BBL

Just wrote a letter to my son. WILL leave it on his bed. He’s at work right now and asked me this morning to help him with some goals. “Are you ready to do it, now?” Nope, GOING TO be ready soon though. URGH! So the letter goes on the bed. It’s just intended to kick start his thinker, get his heart in the right place, and make him think. And let him know that I love him. Feel a little better. Exemplary foot lightly tapping.

Intended to have a FULL BLOWN RELAXING GO NOWHERE WEEKEND! Much needed. Going every weekend is wearing me out and work is so emotionally draining that I need to check out a little while. I did stay home the entire two days but ended up doing laundry, major cleaning, washing dog, groceries (oops guess I left the house), more laundry, sorting mail, and more laundry. My surroundings are peaceful now… not cluttered and chaotic. If I just had one more day off of work to enjoy it. Hoping I can convince the gentlemen I live with to maintain the house composure until Friday night. Okay, now I’m just talking CRAZY.

Drank my Becks Light for K - thank you again and I enjoyed returning the favor. They are quite good! Watched 2 movies this weekend. Not much of a movie buff so I see them about 5 years later. They were Any Given Sunday and Cinderella Man. Both good movies. Only paused them for potty breaks and laundry changes. Almost relaxed all the way through…..

Next random thought… Monday.. tomorrow…. I could do without it. I am on the alternative schedule focus group which means I have to sell it to the 1 department that is in total upheaval over it. Just happens to be my old boss. Is sure to be an intense battle of wits and exceptionally long circle talk discussions. Cross your fingers that I win. I REALLY want my every other Friday off!

Sidebar - smoke break!

I’m back. Eyelids are heavy and I really must be turning in soon. But need to say this to myself first: I am worth whatever it takes to be the healthy person I want to be. That said, I WILL do my AB dvd in the morning and walk for 30 minutes. I WILL!

Niters!

is chasing me around my desk right now.  One eye at a time is slamming shut. It doesn’t help that I have the flippin heater on because its 60 degrees outside and rainy.  I am having the WORST time trying to get motivated to take off AGAIN for hot weather, fishing and camping with Boblian and 2 of the kids.  I get extra tired just thinking about it.   I am desperate for me time, or do nothing time, or something.  I think I am exhausting myself by looking at the “every weekend action packed” schedule that is planned through July and beyond.  I feel like a hypocrite though, because we are fortunate enough to get to have places to go, and for the most part minimal costs, but I need to reenergize at some point.

We are supposed to get our 9/80 schedules implemented at work beginning June 30th.  I cant wait to have every other Friday off….. Ahhhhh…. just me and my pajamas that first Friday off, I guarantee you it will just be me and my pajamas!

 I have absolutely lost my footing in diet land.  Haven’t seen the gym in a month or so.  Eating on plan has completely died. Haven’t even logged the bad stuff in weeks.  I hope to get through this weekend and gain my control back next week.   Been here 3+ months now and only lost like 8 lbs.  Better than gaining I guess.  

 Gonna so straighten up my desk so I can get outta here at 4:30.  Hope everyone has a wonderful long weekend….  

What’s up with this weather? I get acclimated for a week to 110, come home for 2 days of 95 degrees and now it looks like the dead of winter again!  This does nothing for my motivation and actually triggers my “call in sick and lay around under a blanket all day” gene.  Sheesh.

I have a lot of stuff in my head (shocking) and can’t wait to get back here and spew it.  But the time on the computer indicates that I must go to the place that puts money in the bank for me every two weeks and attempt to be productive.  Boohoo.

my vacation was fantastic.  Minus the trip to the hospital to have the hooks removed from Boblians wrist, and his extra chatty friend (who is really a great guy just has a focus problem) I had a great time.  Came home to a spotless house, well fed dog, ten days of mail OUT OF THE MAIL BOX and in the house.  My DS was amazingly responsible and I am soooo excited. Hoping he’s turning over a new leaf.

Work today…. peaked in on my email from home and they have promptly scheduled me at 9am to sit in on a meeting to lay off Poo Butt.  My previously mixed emotions about this are currently fairly convinced it’s the right thing to do.  I hate to see anyone lose their job, but with 20 years of experience in his field, he should be able to perform at at least an average level.  Not looking forward to it, but will be glad when its out.

I love my Boblian to the sky.  He’s good for me and he and DS are coming around.  They have signed up to play on a softball team together.  Looking forward to them building some better foundation.  DS broke up with girlfriend last night after she broke up with him the night before.  He tried to break it off a week ago, tired of arguing, then she wanted him back, then she dumped him and they crossed paths in Walmart of all places (while we were shopping) and wanted him back again.  When he found us in the store the life had been sucked out of his face.  He said she put him on the spot in front of her uncle and he didn’t want to make her cry.  So then he called it off again last night.  DS gave Boblian his cell phone  yesterday so he didn’t have to deal with incessant calls.  Man I hope he remains single, gets back to having some drive in him, and can learn to enjoy being a young adult!

I’m fat.  I realized something this weekend (not rocket science but it hit me hard enough to make me think)~  as I sat on top of a grassy knoll overlooking the beach at Lake Havasu during the Beach Party portion of our fishing derby, there were two kinds of people: Seriously overweight and rail thin.  I’m in the middle.  I’m fat. There were only 2 curvy (heathly thin, still had real boobs and ass and thighs but looked great) girls there.  They were both bar tenders, didn’t have their tits hiked up to there necks or shorts rolled down at the waist to show off the dimples at the top of their butt cheecks. They were normal, healthy, cute chicks.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a girl watcher but when the muffin tops are being set free in bikinis and the other girls built like 12 year old boys with boobs are walking around in bandaids and dental floss its hard not to take notice.  Boblian and friends about threw their necks out looking at jubblies the whole time.   Me, I just wanna be normal healthy.  Have enough meat on my bones to open my own jar of pickles and not so much that I would qualify for sumo wrestling.

My vacation is over. My summer is set to be busy… but I want to be back on track.  Gonna work with DS on his goals tonight.  Gonna set down with my self too and get realistic.  Off to the Poo Butt meeting.  Have a great day all.

Its all I’ve got before I need to get ready for work. Gonna dump the top 30 thoughts cluttering my brain. Haven’t blogged in a week and my head is full. Here goes nothing

1. The scale is up and there is no element of surprise - I haven’t eaten right, exercised, or logged whats been going into my mouth for a week. Not a good plan if I want to get healthy.
2. I have one day of work left then 10 off. I can make it through todays 8 hours but need to get something done before noon.
3. My toenails are in desperate need of attention and I hope no one else notices.
4. Got my economic stimulus check. I was less than stimulated.
5. I wonder if “empty” in the suburban REEEEALLY means empty or if I can drive for 2 more days?
6. That picture from Havasu last weekend confirms that I should not be wearing a bikini and that cellulite finds places to hide that you can’t see in a mirror.
7. All I have to wear for the next week at Havasu are bikinis. I hope they can hold 2 more lbs than last week.
8. I don’ wanna go to work.
9. My dog has skin cancer (are you freaking kidding me?). Chemo? unfortunately my economic stimulus check wont cover that and I’m not putting my house up as collateral for the thousands it would cost. Ugly situation and I don’t feel like dealing with it.
10. I need to quit smoking. Will maybe do 30 reasons why for this item another time.
11. The girls left on Survivor are vicious. Men are fools.
12. I want a pontoon boat and I want it right now! +pout+
13. My credit score pisses me off. I am boycotting it.
14. My DS needs full time work, or to win lotto.
15. My raise for work is POSSIBLY back in the budget. My super unproductive employee is probably out of a job. Not my doing, but I can’t justify paying someone 60K a year to do nothing. Keeping him on the last 5 years has been a token of appreciation but he’ll tell you he’s the hardest working guy there. I have to let the Ivory Tower make the decisions. Hard to feel good and bad at the same time.
16. I wonder if my DS will actually pick up the mail this time when I’m on vacation.
17. I have only lost like 10 lbs since I started here in February. Whats up with that?
18. Boblian thinks I’m the sexiest woman he’s ever met. I don’t let him out much.
19. I need to change back to my maiden name but think it’ll be a total hassle.  Been divorced 8 years. My reasons for not doing it then had to do with my DS and his identity (long story). He’s transitioned.  My delay is the onslaught of accounts and policies and general hoop jumping involved.  I think I need to do it.  It would renew my spirits and cleanse my world finally of all things SHITHEAD related. Hmm… may look into it today.
20. My stomach is rock hard. Not muscle. Just stuffed, from weeks of poor nutrition. Please let it leave soon
21. I am so excited to go fishing! Leaving sunday afternoon. I just want to relax on the water and then win something at the end! (Striper derby prizes are BIG this year!)
22. Boblian’s nice, but reportedly chatty friend is going with us, and staying with us the 1st few days.  Small amount of excitement just left the moment.
23. I need to clean the house.
24. I want someone else to clean the house.
25. I’m probably making myself late for work right now and I dont care.
26. I want to get a new camera. A super duper good one. And sign up for a photography class, and go to Hawaii on assignment!
27. My hair cut is ultra cute
28. Anxious to set some goals when I return from Havasu and REALLY give them a determined effort.  Tired of this slow going on weight, debt, DS, marriage, work.  Need to feel like I’m on top of my game again.  Its been a while.
29. I still don’t want to go in to work today.
30. I need to go get ready for work.

Feel a little better.  Will probably reread over coffee at work and pick something to start on.  May be back later for less random thoughts.  Be well….

Ah…. my boat!  Mode of transportation for this weekend.  Sitting on lake Havasu. Can not wait!  Getting off work early today. Getting sexy short hair cut, coming home to pack and not worrying about anything again until Monday.  Then… gonna work 1 more week and go back to Havasu for another 9 days!!!   Sun, margaritas, no pressure, no schedule.  I ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT!    gonna go dream… be back later!

Destructo eating this weekend was outrageous.  SOMEHOW… and only God know how, I came out unscathed. Actually .2 down from last Tuesdays weigh in.  Probably because my stomach was so upset and I spent half the day yesterday on the toity.  Wont be doing that again soon!

I couldn’t wait for Sunday to get here this weekend.  It was the day that the Biggest Loser teams were to be announced.  When the thread finally came up, I was no where to be found.  I searched high and low on the lists, triple and quadruple checking like I had full OCD.  Even went so far as to look to see if the people who joined after and before me had been assigned teams.  They all had.  TOTALLY took the wind out of my sails.  But I am so anal and persistent that I emailed the girl running the challenge (poor thing) and wala!  Two hours later I was on the BLACK team.   So going to kick some butt!  I’m so jazzed that I am going to sail off to forum land now and change my signature!  Be back later!