Fat Melanie\’s Cupcakes, Hamhocks, & Badunkadonks

Alright, following my last recent post, I did a Phase 1 for 2 weeks. I never went between phase 1, phase 1.5, and phase 2 like I expected, I managed to stick to phase 1 with the exception of a cheat. Besides that, I followed it through. And I went down to 188lbs! I’m mentally doing a little dance.

For October, I plan on losing 10 lbs if I work hard and stick to the plan. I have to be determined and absolutely diligent about this. I want to be around 178 by my birthday, which is November 1st. I’ll be the big 2-3!

I want to get into exercising full time, not random days where I work hard and then stop for weeks at a time. How is that helping me any? It’s not! It’s pure sloth-like.

There are other girls on the 3fc forums who are with me on this 10 lb October challenge and I know we all can do it if we work hard. If you want to be in, let me know! It helps us all when we have support. If I didn’t have support, I don’t know if I would have been able to lose any weight at all.

I would love to have lost 25lbs by Christmas and try to fit into this adorable dress I bought. It’s a junior’s size 9/10 so I don’t know if I’ll fit, but I’m damn sure gonna try! So, although I don’t like to set goals, I think maybe these goals are attainable ones.

Who’s with me?

After many on-and-off days of trying to be on Phase 1 of the SBD, and a lot of stress and anxiety due to life, I had enough.

I kept going off plan and binging only to try to do a clean day the next day, and it never worked because I would make idiotic decisions when it came to food choices. So I said the hell with it and went into a 2 week food binge. I was craving sugary junk left and right as well as fast food… I just didn’t care. I thought a lot about what I wanted to do and realized that at this point I might not even be able to do a full two weeks of a clean phase 1 because I’m allowing stress to rule my decisions and it’s not the best time to be on such a strict phase.

I decided that I’ll try to eat as clean as possible, but won’t confine myself to phase 1. Some days will be more like phase 1.5, and others will be like Phase 2. That way it allows me to have some extras where I won’t feel like I’m cheating and slipping up because that makes me depressed and it leads to more binging. It’s a vicious cycle. I’ve had enough of it.

I’m counting calories now. I’ve decided to try 1600 calories a day and eat as well as possible. I went grocery shopping for the week late last night so we ate DiGiorno pizza for dinner and I also ate mini egg rolls and chocolate eclair icecream bars. Today I started back eating beachily. So far I’ve actually ate like I would on a day of Phase 1, but I’m not going to make any problems that I can do this for two full weeks, so I’m just going to take it one day at a time. The menu I have planned for today is phase 1 appropriate and if I can get through it without going for one of the leftover chocolate eclair bars, I’ll be a happy woman.

I had 2 scrambled eggs and 2 slices of turkey bacon for breakfast, with 6oz of v8. That makes for 350 calories. For a snack, I had a stalk of celery with 2 tablespoons of hummus, which was 50 cals approximately. For lunch, a salad with 3 slices of turkey and 1 slice swiss, with 2 tablespoons ranch and a tablespoon of cashew pieces for 365 calories. I’m planning on lightly frying up some shrimp breaded in parmesan for dinner, with maybe a side of creamed spinach.

I’m logging everything in a notebook and after two weeks, I’ll re-evaluate everything. I’m not entirely sure what I’m doing, but I’m trying to eat healthily for starters. After 2 weeks I’ll see how I did.

I had went down to 191, but went back up to 195 after all of those sickening binges. It’s shameful. And TOM is around the corner (uh, I hope) and today I’ve bloated up an entire 5 lbs, a combination of the processed foods of last night and the approaching TOM. The scale better budge because I did not get to onederland only to venture back into 200ville! Grrrr!!!!! It’s depressing, but I took the right step today.

Let’s just hope I’ll keep it up. Believe me, I want to. But will I choose to? Will I make the wrong food choices as always? I’m feeling like food is starting to control my life. I feel like food is the center of my universe nowadays. That’s not what I’d call healthy, in fact, I’d call it troubling.

When did it come to this? I’ve been slender all of my life until I started drinking underage, then I started gaining weight and now I’m prone to binge eating. HOW did it come to this?

EDIT:  My last blog post was awhile ago, and I did complete phase 1 that time.  But when I went into phase 2, I started giving myself too much leeway and started going way offplan and before I knew it, phase 2 was shot, hence all of my recent attempts to do phase 1 again.  Just thought I’d mention.

I know it’s been a few weeks since I’ve last posted, but there’s been so much drama going on in my life that I didn’t have the energy to write out a blog post. I have been keeping up with the 3fc forum and posting there pretty much daily, but I did neglect my blog. But I’m back now!

I started Phase 1 again on July 15th, fully prepared and determined. I didn’t skip meals and I planned out what I was having for the most part… I did miss snacks sometimes, because I’m busy with the baby and my orphaned kittens a lot, but whenever that would occur I would just throw peanuts (what I would have for a snack) on top of my lunch salad (which already had shredded turkey n’ cheese on it.) I have been heartily enjoying each and every morsel I’ve put in my mouth and have not felt deprived. A few times I felt like perhaps I was eating too much fats, but a few consults with the experienced SBD’ers and I realized I really hadn’t been. I cut back where I could and did fine. I have lost 3 lbs thus far and I am on day 13 of Phase 1. HOLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!! (Okay, okay, too much. Heh heh.) I’ve been going strong… and this is really something I do know I can stick with, now. And it feels daaaamn good.

There is a few problems, however, such as although I gathered as much info as possible, there were still a few things I was confused about, which I corrected by asking members of the forum. Also, I think I may have dinner portions that were a bit too big, a bit too much. This may be why I have only lost 3 lbs. I do understand that Ph 2 is the real, long lasting weight loss though, and I definitely was not looking towards Ph 1 as a quick fix by any means. I do think however, I may have consumed a bit too many calories, which may have hindered me from losing more than I could have on Phase 1. I am considering either doing a 3rd week of Phase 1… which isn’t recommended by the board members… or doing Phase 1.5 as they all do, but only doing it for 2 weeks, and then do Ph 1 again for 2 weeks, cutting back on portion size, and then doing Ph 2 from then on out. It may not be kosher SBD but I want to make sure I have fully done Phase 1 correctly to fully get rid of cravings so I don’t end up screwing up and over-doing the carbs and cals on Ph 2.

The other problem is that I was supposed to actually get the South Beach diet book last Friday… I posted about it on Freecycle and a woman responded telling me that she had a copy she could give me, and was to meet me at the local Burger King. (Ironic?) I was very ecstatic, finally, I could read the book, and fully understand every last little bit! Well that day came, and BF was supposed to get off work early to take me there, but he wasn’t able to get off work. Thankfully, the lady was understanding and we’re going to try again in 2 weeks. Hopefully this time I can be there…

So tomorrow’s my last day on Phase 1 and I still haven’t quite decided what I’m going to do. I guess I’ll weigh my options tomorrow.

I was excercising everyday up until all the drama occurred, and I just couldn’t bring myself to do it anymore. Now I have lost my exercise motivation, and definitely won’t be a July exercise princess. But on Monday, I am going to start back up again. Exercise, not just diet, is important for health and weight loss and I intend on making it part of my life.

In personal news, BF and his ex wife did win custody of their daughter, but then his scheming, manipulative, evil mother had it rescinded by screaming and raising hell with the district attorney and etc about how she had temporary custody and did not recieve notice of hearing. The judge was angry that all of the facts and findings had not been presented to him, so he rescinded his order. Now the lawyer is taking it in front of another judge (because the judge who granted them custody refuses to hear any of the cases that the lawyer puts in front of him now, because he felt duped), and we’re bringing witnesses, and he’s going to give that evil bitch a notice of hearing. He wants to get her impeached from speaking at the trial, but no judge is going to do that. She has the right to be heard since she is the one with custody, unfortunately. I found this out online. We’ve done more research on this subject than the lawyer himself… he doesn’t seem very well versed on custody matters but he’s all they can afford right now. Plus, it’s rather obvious the lawyer is afraid that the judge will buy my boyfriend’s mother’s lies and tears and her act and everything, or else he wouldn’t be trying to get her to keep her mouth shut in court.

That’s not a really good sign….

All of my family said they would go to court with my boyfriend, they support him fully and know he’s a good father. Plus, a good question is, if the grandmother fears so much for her granddaughter’s safety, then why not her grandson’s, who she has nothing to do with? Good question, that she’s gonna have to answer to. She’s recieving money for having the granddaughter and that’s her motive. She also took out a life insurance policy on both the granddaughter AND my son, without my permission, and she won’t even have anything to do with him! It’s basically so she can have a retirement savings for her and her husband and she damn well knows it. I have raised so much hell with the Gerber life insurance policy and if they refuse to cease and desist or whatever it’s called, then I will be lawyering up my damn self. I had intended on taking out a Gerber life insurance policy on my son so that when he turned 21 or whatever the age is, he would have a lot of savings that he could get a car or a place or college tuition with! I don’t want a dime of it for myself. But that evil grandmother is only doing it for herself. And since she’s got a policy in place (with conveniently, she and her husband, who is not even my son’s grandfather, as the beneficiaries, in case something happens to him), Gerber won’t allow us, THE PARENTS, to take a legitimate one out. This has to be changed. She’s also been alienating her granddaughter from her parents and her siblings. An interesting question is, how is it that my boyfriend’s son (my son) is perfectly fine and healthy and well taken care of, and his ex wife’s 1 year old son is also fine and healthy and taken care of, if they’re such incompetent parents? Plus, the ex wife is pregnant right now. His mother is going to have to explain to a judge why she feels this little girl shouldn’t be allowed to grow up with her siblings…. Does she not give a f*** what will happen when the daughter gets older and sees how her siblings live with her parents, but not her? That will emotionally devastate someone. And what makes this woman think she’s the only perfect parent/guardian in the world? As screwed up in the head her son is, and how sheltered and antisocial the other two are?? PuuuuuhLEAAAASE. My bf’s ex wife is so angry about how she did this to their daughter, how she ruined her life, by lying about her (the ex wife) and claiming abuse, and managed to win temporary custody with her bs sob story, but the social services case was closed out and the ex wife was found to not be guilty of anything! But the judge at this time, 3 years ago, didn’t really give the ex wife much chance to speak. He should be disbarred for that. He gave temporary custody to a person who didn’t even have a motion filed to gain custody, who he didn’t know the first thing about, based on her dramatic act.

And she needs to stop claiming her husband is my son’s grandfather, and get over the fact that her son still is in contact with his real dad. She was trying to tell us that her husband was gonna be our son’s grandpa whether we liked it or not, before he was born, but I told her no, he is not the grandfather and that’s not how it’s gonna be. He has a grandfather and we’re not going to lie to him. So get over it. So she shut up for awhile, but after my son was born, she started back up with it, and kept telling me that I had no choice in the matter, her husband was my son’s grandpa whether I liked it or not! She tries to take control over everything and it’s ridiculous. What goes around comes around, soon her money grubbing ways will backfire on her when she loses what she perceives is her cash cow. Then we’re all getting restraining orders against her so she can’t come near any of us.

She’s such a psychopathic idiot.

Anyway, the court date will be soon, and I hope things are as they should be. Don’t parents have rights anymore, for god’s sake?

This sort of stuff makes me wanna eat tons and tons of cake.

When I got up, I had 2 eggs scrambled in some smart balance margarine, and one glass of V-8 fusion (veggies & fruit.)

For a snack, I had a kinda chunky slice off a block of skim milk mozzarella, and another glass of V-8 fusion. This was right before I exercised.

For dinner, I browned some ground turkey, added in a can of pinto beans, and added in most of a jar of mild salsa, powdered cayenne pepper, and hot sauce, and wrapped it up in a flour tortilla. I ate one of these burritos. I wish that I had some sour cream to go along with it. I also had half a glass of the V-8 juice, and a glass of milk.

I exercised for 62 minutes today! I declined to use the exercise DVD again, only because I don’t want to become too used to it. It’s a great DVD though, no doubt about that. I’ll probably use it 2-3 times a week, and improvise the other days. Which is pretty much what I did today. I first planned on marching in place in front of the TV while watching Dr. Phil (haaha, I used to hate his guts, he’s so pompous and arrogant, but over the past half year I have become a fan) BUT, it was a re-run. So, I started marching around the house, (making sure to carefully note the time), and then turned on my music playlist and marched, did knee lifts, and “ran” while standing in one place, and bounced, all while holding little hand weights, for an hour and 2 minutes. I was sweating when I was done. I would choose certain songs that were more uptempo and move really fast to those, and then choose another song that was still up tempo, but not quite as, and slow down, only to speed up when another high tempo song would come on. I read that this sort of thing ultimately burns more calories, it’s sort of like interval training or whatnot. I eventually wound down to a slower song, Rihanna’s “Take a Bow”. I even managed to answer the door while doing this (luckily for me, this time it was merely my best friend, not a cop, so I wasn’t embarrassed, although caught off guard momentarily). The most important thing was, for sixty two minutes, I never stoppped moving.

With the exception of the one white tortilla, and the fruits in the juice, the foods I ate today were Phase 1 compatible. But like I said, I’m not doing Phase 1 right now, until the 13th. For now though, I’m trying to do a sort of ‘half version’. I think that way, the transition from this to Phase 1 will be much easier than it would be for someone who’s been eating lots of bad carbs and sugars all week.

Tommorow is the 4th of July…. Independence day. My best friend is staying all weekend and we’re supposed to grill out tomorrow. So, being that I’m not doing Phase 1 right now, I’ll indulge in a turkey burger with the bun and ketchup. As long as I know to quit when I’m full.

Looking back on what I ate today, I realize I really did not eat enough. I could have sworn I ate more than that! I am counting the calories in the milk and juice too, but still! I hardly ate anything. So tomorrow, I’ll make sure to eat more. I’m about to eat a tablespoon of peanut butter on 5 saltines. The sugars in the PB and the nutrition-less white carbs in the saltine are no good for me, but I’m hungry right now, I didn’t eat enough, and the peanut butter will be satisfying enough to keep me from going into a binge later on tonight. So I’m not gonna beat myself up over it, particularly since I’m not doing Phase 1 right now (I’ve probably said this a million times.)

But now I must excitedly announce something. I’ve entered onederland! I weighed myself and I’ve lost 2 lbs so far, this week. I am only going to count Monday weigh ins, but I didn’t have a Monday weigh in this week. So yaaaaaay! I’m not close to my healthy weight range quite yet, but I’m one step closer. 2 lbs lighter. Hell yeah!!!!! 198, people.  I’m quite happy about this.

Goodnight, off to watch some comedy called “Made” starring some of those dudes off The Sopranos, and P Diddy/Puffy/Diddy Sean Combs whatever the hell he’s calling himself these days. I imagine Puffy’s dry acting will be quite hilarious.

[ *monotone*

"Uh uh, uh uh, uh uh, bad boy fo' life"

*listless dance*

"Yeah, yeah"

*various finger symbols standing for whatever side he claims to come from*

"West side, east side, I dunno, I just wanna be in ya videooo!"

*crotch grabbing*

"Bad, boy, what, what, uh uh uh uh"

*More listless dancing, self promoting, and unimaginative monosyllabic utterances*]

Anyway, I imagine even if the movie’s a dud (it’s got Vince Vaughn in it as well, and I am not a Vince fan, I think he tries waaaay too hard)…. it will still be worth it, to see how “inspired” (i.e., lame, unemotional, and stone-sculpture like acting) Diddy or whatsit is. Bwhahahahah.. I saw the commercials for “Grape in the sun” or whatever it was called, and his depicted scenes were great stuff, comedy unlike you’ve never seen… oh, but Diddy was so very serious, he thought he was brilliant, he thought he was a real serious actor, which is why it was so hilarious.

I’ve been trying to find the ‘right’ time all day to do this exercise DVD that I’ve had for 2 years but never attempted.

There were some obstacles, believe me. But I pushed past them and ended up doing something I’ve never done before; exercised even when I could have found an excuse to not, as I’ve done so often in the past.

And god, I feel good.

First, let me log in what I ate today, (I know that’s oh-so-fascinating, not, but by doing so, I can determine certain patterns in my eating and hunger and energy levels, and weight loss, and etc etc etc, by tracing it back to the food I consumed and the activities that I did, or lack thereof.)

First thing I ate was the leftover skillet-grilled chicken from dinner last night, with about 1/2 cup of the leftover butter garlic rice. As for veggies and fruits, I had about 10-12 oz of V8 Fusion, a blend of fruit and veggies which gives you a full serving of each in an 8 oz serving. Since I’m mainly out of veggies, I’m glad I have the juice. So, my meal was a bit well rounded, if not Phase 1 appropriate. Like I said, Phase 1, here I come, on the 13th.

Then I made egg salad: (4 hardboiled eggs, chopped dill pickle, teaspoon mustard, chopped onion, and mayo. Usually I use chopped celery in my egg salad, but I’m out, so I used the chopped pickle, which I usually use in tuna salad. It tasted equally as great in egg salad.) I cut up a smaller cucumber into ‘coins’ and ate some of the egg salad on those. For some reason, those cucumbers are tasting really bitter, I wonder why that is??? Anyway, I had a bit more juice.

And then I’ve been drinking water ever since. It’s almost 10 pm and I’ve only eaten twice today (plus had about 2.5 to 3 servings of the veggie/fruit juice). So, that’s not a good thing. Because it’s not good for the metabolism, plus I burned off a lot of calories by doing the exercising, and I need more food energy (which equals calories.) See people, calories aren’t always a bad thing, even for us who are trying to shed the pounds.

I think I’m gonna go eat more egg salad on 5 crackers (because the cucumbers are tasting bitter, like I said.) And I’ll either have a glass of fat free milk or a few pieces of skim mozzarella if I’m still hungry. Right now I’m ravenous, and I know that’s because I ate too little calories today, and burned up a lot of them. This is what makes me vulnerable to failure, because if I were doing Phase 1 right now, I could potentially go right into the kitchen and eat like, 20 crackers and the rest of the egg salad. But I’m not going to do that. I will have 5 crackers, (60 cals), no more, no less. And like I said, if I’m still hungry, I’ll have some skim milk or skim milk cheese.

Anyway, allow me to brag about how I got my fat butt up and exercised, after much interruptions.

First, right when I was planning on doing the DVD… I had developed a headache, not to mention I already felt wore out and not physically motivated. Mentally though, recalling all of the advice I’ve gotten recently from the forum, I did feel like I HAD to do it. I felt like I owed it to myself to do it. I knew if I just sat there and tried to put it off again, as I have done often in the past, then the days would keep passing and weeks would go by and I would weigh the same. And I’d always make the same stupid excuses. “Well maybe tomorrow…” Well, today is tomorrow, and the time is now. So I’m tired? I’ve got a headache? So what? Why can’t I do the exercise? I’m not physically handicapped, I am capable of doing it despite how tired and bad I feel.

So, I watched the instructional portion of the DVD, but then my son started screaming and fussing. (He had just been laughing and giggling 5 minutes prior when I explained to him that Mommy had some serious work to do to get back into shape!) I looked at the clock, and noticed that it was time for Baby Boy to get a bottle, which explained his adorable demeanor’s change into a pissy one. So, I made him a bottle. Burped him, got ready to try again.

Went to select the Workout part of the DVD, and suddenly, just like that, the remote stopped working. I tore off the back piece and tried to trade batteries with the regular TV remote, but of course, of course! The batteries did not match. I was sitting there cussing up a storm (Oh, I’m sure it will be very lovely to see what my son’s first word will be), and decided to try the remote control thing. You see, we don’t have a real DVD player, we have an Xbox, which we use to watch DVDs in. The stupid remote control thing wouldn’t work either, and I don’t know why, it was plugged in to the stupid Xbox! GRRR!

I went to slaughter the XBox….. but then realized, I need to pump (I’m referring to pumping with a breastpump, I am nearly ‘dried up’ so I’m trying to pump more, I had become lazy about doing it, resulting in my milk drying up, so I’m trying to stimulate the milk production, supply & demand they call it.) So, I pumped while being fascinated by the plain DVD title menu on the screen, which remained frozen until someone could fix it.

Sigh. But then, much to my dismay, my BF comes home from work. Why was this a bad thing? Because I didn’t want to look and feel ridiculous doing the exercise moves in front of him. He’s immature and thinks everything is a joke. (He’s 27, 5 years older, and I am still much more mature. Not that I am incredibly mature myself, I’m not. I mean, I love Harry Potter and sometimes talk in a bit of a “teen-ish” sort of way. Like, dude!!!) I don’t mean to say that he would mock me or anything, but he thinks this whole “diet” and exercise kick I’m on is stupid, because he tries to say I’m not fat. Well, I think he’s just worried about the male attention I might get when thinner, haha, because I still get male attention now, at this size. Not to be egotistical in any way. I am the world’s most insecure person with the worst self esteem. Anyway, I was quite annoyed, but I did need someone to fix the stupid remote. Obviously the batteries were dead, but he showed me that he somehow has programmed the regular TV remote to work with the DVD player as well. So I finished pumping while watching the rest of the instructional video, then I grumbled with annoyance and told him that under no circumstances was he to enter the bedroom as I did this workout DVD.

Then I realized I had NO room to do anything in that messy room, so I went out into the living room. He was right by the phone (his favorite possession… I am convinced he’s in love with it, and would like to marry it) talking to some dude about blah blah blaaaaah… and I asked him when he was planning on going into the bedroom to watch the news, as he likes to do, because I needed the living room space to do my DVD. He in turn was annoyed, because I had already declined to use the living room in favor of the bedroom and had kicked him out of it, and now I was trying to kick him out of the living room and keep him and his girlfriend (*cough*, I mean the phone) apart. I understood his annoyance but goddamn! Get a life, the phone and our phone service will still be here 40 minutes from now, when the exercise DVD was to be over. Jeeeeesus. So while I waited for him to be done, I did bicep curls, tricep thingies, shoulder presses, chest presses, and squats with a weight for 10 minutes.

Anyway, so he caved to my whiny demands, and took our son into the bedroom so he could watch the TV and I finally begin the DVD. I put it into the computer (we’ve got a dvd player thing on the computer, which is cool) and what a wonderful DVD it was! The instructor was funny as hell and cocky and motivational and energetic (uh, not to mention HOT, buff perfectly sculpted muscles with a tanktop that could barely cover his bulging yet lean pecs!) and sort of yelled in a way reminiscent of that imprisoned rapper Mystikal, if he had a baby with what’s-his-face, Lil Jon. YeeeeEAAAAAAAAAAH! SHAKE IT!!!!! (I prefer rock music myself.)

It was really great cardio, combined with toning/strengthening moves, which intensified as it went along. The moves were pretty easy for most people, at one point they became a bit too advanced for me. But not as bad as those really difficult choreographed moves of The Firm tapes. (I’m not insulting those tapes, but they’re not for a clumsy uncoordinated person like me!) When they did become too coordinated, I would keep marching in place and do kicks and knee lifts and stuff, because he was having you do such things like that anyway. I would basically improvise when things got a bit too hard for me to follow (like what leg goes which way? Which foot? Which way do I turn? Oh crap, I’m so busy thinking that I’ve gotten lost and am behind and not doing it in time with the instructor!) and still felt like I was getting a great workout in.

But then the phone rang, and BF nearly knocked himself out trying to get to it, and it turned out to be some computer tech guy he occasionally chats with (about who knows more, about what, and guess what, if you ask BF, it’s always himself). Oh my GOD, it took those chatting cathys FOREVER to get off the phone with eachother… They just went on and on and on… while my DVD sat there, paused (phone’s right next to the computer, so BF was right in my way!) Finally, the guy decides it’s time to hang up and BF finally goes back to where I banished him.

So I continued on, making a big great fool of myself, but I didn’t care, because I really felt the ‘burn’ as they call it. I really felt my heart pumping and it was great.

Anyway, I was nearly backed up towards our front door, and like I said, at one point I was doing a move entirely too difficult for me, so I was bucking about wildly, sort of like a person spastically dancing, and I hear a knock right there, at the door! I spin around in embarrasment and surprise, and look right through the diamond shaped window on our door, and see this local fat cop peering in, with some amusement. I nearly fell over and was like, “Oh ****!” because I was surprised and embarrassed. I know he saw me, and I know I looked retarded.

With burning shame, I opened the door and he still had that amused glint in his eye. I held the weights in my hand meekly, just to let it be known that I wasn’t doing any weird sort of dance-around-the-fire ritual, while howling at the moon, I was just exercising. Oh god, I know I looked idiotic.

Anyhow, I let the DVD keep rolling (wish I hadn’t done that.) The cop was looking for the guy who USED to live here, he violated his probation or something, who cares. Anyhow, BF came running to the door and went outside for a bit to talk (i.e., gossip, for what would BF do if there were not people in the world with whom he could gossip with, and gossip about??) and I was very annoyed, because I wanted to get back to what I was doing.

And by then, I had completely lost my place in the DVD. For the next 10 minutes, I was rewinding, then fast forwarding when I rewound it too far, to find my place again. It was nearly impossible, but I eventually found it, and BF eventually came in and went back to his cage.

Anyhow, the workout became more and more intense, but I stuck with it. Finally, it was the end! I had did it, albeit with a few interruptions and BF begging to be able to come into the kitchen to make a sandwich. (to which I said, NOOO! I’LL BE DONE SOOOOON!) Yes, I’m really weird about not wanting people to see me workout. Why? No clue, I just feel stupid, uncoordinated, clumsy, and embarrassed. Heh heh. Anyhow, I had done 50 minutes of exercising! The 40 minute video, and the 10 minutes of strength training.

So I allowed BF to come back into the living room while I finished up, and did some lying leg lifts, some butt exercise, crunches with my legs up, boat pulses, then I stretched. And I had done 1 hour and 22 minutes.

I can’t believe it!!!!!! My exercise ‘goal’ was only 30 minutes and I managed to do that much? There’s no more excuses, I can do it, even with interruptions. I’m thrilled!!!!!!

Like I said, I’m doing Phase 1 again on the 13th, but for now, I’m trying to eat Phase 1 stuff as much as possible, although I’m having to supplement some no-no foods.

Today I ate leftover tuna salad on cucumber coins (not crackers, and I was quite proud of that!) for breakfast, then again for lunch. I did have a small handful of frosted shredded wheat, which is half bad, half good. The wheat is full of fiber, but obviously the sugar part is poison. For dinner, I cooked white meat chicken tenderloins (breading free, of course) in a skillet with some cooking spray and Paul Newman’s light italian dressing. I love to marinade but I didn’t have time, so I just defrosted the chicken and threw it all in the skillet. The dressing has no sugars or other bad crap, and it contains heart healthy olive oil so I feel good about that. I also made a huge can of green beans (canned in just water and salt, no additives or preserves). I was ravenous (because I hadn’t eaten any snacks), so I also made butter garlic rice. Unfortunately, the rice was white and butter is fattening, and the rice is a no-no for both phases. (I usually buy brown rice, and will do so for Phase 2.) So, I did eat Phase 1 foods, except for the rice and small handful of cereal.  But like I said, I’m not doing Phase 1 right now so I am pretty proud of how I ate today. I took a huge helping of the green beans.

I didn’t cook the chicken though, all of the way! Me and BF noticed it was a bit undercooked, and it tasted odd, because the dressing wasn’t fully cooked. We put it back in the skillet, and I cooked it until it was browned on both sides, and then it tasted delicious.

I’ve noticed a very important trend in my eating habits and hunger patterns, and it’s a damn good thing I did before I attempt to do Phase 1 again. I get lazy about preparing snacks and stuff such as breakfasts and lunches, and dinner I usually cook at the last minute. As a result, I often skip snacks or a meal, and then always, ALWAYS binge at dinner, with portions that are too hefty. And that is also when I tend to cheat, due to my hunger. That seems to be a direct link to why I cheat and binge. I’m simply not prepared enough, and simply not eating enough during the earlier part of the day, and not spacing out food through the day to keep my hunger in check.

Today I got some excellent advice on the South Beach forum, and I’m DEFINITELY going to do it. I am going to plan ahead, plan what I will eat at least a week in advance, and prepare and freeze things and leave things out to defrost. I will cut up veggies for snacks and put leftovers in the appropriate tupperware so I have ready-made lunches. I’ll also keep ready made meals in the freezer in case the BF wants Burger King or Hardees as he sometimes does. Of course, being that I’ll have a homecooked meal every night, he won’t have the need to go to these fast food places at the last minute. I do love to cook but often there are dishes undone, and I have no idea of what I’m going to cook, let alone the clean dishes to cook in. And I won’t have anything defrosted and sometimes it’s just too much of a hassel to do all of that, when it’s too late at night. And that is a major part of my problem, I’ve recognized, after evaluating my habits.

So at the great suggestions of the forum chicks, I’m going to

A) Make out a detailed shopping list before I go to the store. I’ll budget well using their suggestions and make sure I buy things for dinners, lunches, snacks, breakfasts, and healthy desserts.

B) Make a meal plan one week in advance. Have it written down EXACTLY what I plan on making. I can even cook some of these things ahead of time and freeze, and cook double batches.

C) The night before, have everything ready to go for the next day, like cut up veggies for my hummus and salads, meats defrosting in the fridge, and etc. And a complete meal plan for the day sitting on the kitchen table as my guide.

D) If my boyfriend is craving some of that fast food junk, I will have a ready frozen meal in the freezer for myself to pop into the microwave, and I’ll let him go while I stay at home and eat real, nutritious, healthy, homecooked food.

E) If my boyfriend feels the need to go to a restaurant, I will be able to make the right food choices, because I will have eaten my breakfast, lunch, and snacks. I will have a large chef salad, or grilled chicken and a garden salad, or even salmon because I’m dying to try it. I will be satisfied and have no need for any fattening, sugary dessert on the menu.

F) I will plan ahead for anything that may come up. Say we go to the next county over, (as we in this hick county have to do, to go shopping at the Walmart and mall), and I will bring along a snack of roasted chickpeas or nuts. My BF always wants to go to a fast food restaurant when we go to the next county over. If we do, there’s no excuse for me to not get a salad or something else that corresponds with the SBD. Hardees’ DOES make a lowcarb thickburger, afterall.

G) I will try to get exercise in, even if it’s in little increments all throughout the day. Maybe 15 minutes of strength training there, 15 minutes of walking my baby in the stroller there. I could also strap my baby to me in the baby carrier and dance for 10 minutes, the extra weight will burn more calories and tone me up. This suggestion I got from a website that a lady on the forum linked me too. I have no excuse for not being able to exercise, especially if I can break it up into little increments.

Today I did not exercise as planned, so I took accountability and posted 0 minutes on the forum’s exercise challenge thread, along with a emoticon shaking its finger in dissapointment. I had an unplanned visit from my Dad (I was really happy about it though, he gave me a lot of stuff he no longer needs, like some really good kitchen utensils and pots and pans and skillets, since I love to cook and will be doing a lot of cooking on the SBD, this will all come in handy.) I had been planning on doing this 54 minute long exercise DVD, but one of my notoriously bad headaches started building up. My BF came home and I still planned on doing the video, but my headache got worse and then we were just sitting on the couch, being parents, spending time with our baby boy (who just did NOT want to go to bed for some reason.) I know that is not an excuse and SHAME ON ME!!!

But tomorrow is a new day. Like a lady on the forum said, take it one day at a time, make changes one day at a time. I have decided not to have any sort of stupid goal like trying to lose a certain amount of weight by Thanksgiving or Christmas. If I am not able to attain it, I’m only setting myself up for failure and dissapointment. Plus, I don’t know how my body works, how its metabolism works, how much fat I’m capable of burning off in a week. I don’t know exactly how many calories my body needs and how much exercise is too much for me, and how much food I need to not feel hungry or get hungry later in the night. This is something I need to test out along the way, and if by Thanksgiving, I’ve become more healthy and see a weight loss, any sort of weight loss no matter how small, I will be happy because I’ll know it’s working and I’m on my way to a healthier, new me. I guess however long it takes, it’s gonna take, and there’s nothing I can do to change that, and I’ve finally accepted this.

It’s all thanks to the forum people. I may of had my problems the other day, what with my overreacting over things said, and my hypersensitivy, but they really are a great bunch of helpful, informative, intelligent, and honest women. I know I’ll succeed with their fabulous advice and I’m happy to have rejoined the forum. I’m just so convinced right now that I am able to do this.

So, like I said, I don’t have any crazy goal of having to be a certain weight by the holidays, but on the July Weightloss Target on the forum, I put down 6 lbs. If I lost 1 lb, I’ll consider that an achievement. 6 lbs is just something that seems realistic, but after today, I realize that it doesn’t matter if I haven’t lost 6 lbs, as long as I’ve eaten healthily and eaten clean. (That is a new word applying to the lifestyle change that I got from the forum, and I’m using it now as well. It motivates me, to think that I will be eating clean.) My main goal is to eat clean and healthfully, and to exercise, and then enjoy the side effects that occur! No set goal, no certain time that I need to have it done in. It won’t come off overnight. But it will, eventually, come off. But there’s no rush, rush, rush. And that is comforting to me, to have learned to think this way. It’s a better way to think. I do want to lose 50 lbs, but not by any certain time, not in any certain amount of months. It will come off, when it comes off. I can’t force it, nor do I want to anymore.

God I just feel so good right now… reprogramming my brain to think in this new way will be the key to lasting weight loss, I’m convinced.

Heh, nah. I haven’t touched it yet, but am seriously contemplating it. I’m actually hungry now. Probably ’stress hunger.’ It’s actually morning now, 12, but I can’t sleep, I’m overly-anxious, insomniatic, and a bit depressed tonight. My BF’s father asked him (on speaker phone) when we were getting married (keep in mind, we have a 5 month old son) and he told him, “Soon.” I turned to look at him, questioning, and he was laughing, so I said (trying to disguise the fact that my feelings were hurt), “Oh, you’re just trying to look good to your dad.” He looked at me and said “shhhh, don’t tell him that” and then told his dad, “yeah Dad, soon.” I was like, “Gee, that’s funny, where’s the ring on my finger? Where’s all the plans?” He was just laughing, as if this was some big joke he and I were playing on his father.

I know that doesn’t have much to do with dieting but it was enough to drive a woman to eat mounds of cake! Which is why I’m posting this, because if I talk it out, and keep my fingers on the keyboard, I won’t rush to eat the rest of that chinese.

Funny how he claims he has these morals and values and married his ex wife because she had became pregnant, not out of “love” (although his mother says otherwise, says he was madly in love with her), but doesn’t seem to have the same sort of morals and ethics when it comes to our relationship? I guess I’ll never compare to her. Ever.

Oh, and she’s 5′1 and probably 100 lbs. Plain, but tiny. So although that probably doesn’t have anything to do with it, I think in my head, “well, if I were skinny too…” or think, “I’m not good enough because I’m not skinny like she is…” …. “well, she’s tiny and petite, what man wouldn’t want to marry a girl like that, even if she is plain?” and stuff like that. She’s the one who left him, and who filed for the divorce. He told me he did, said he paid his lawyer and that his lawyer said the divorce was done… but recently she came to me, told me that they were not divorced, and she wanted her divorce, wanted him to sign the papers so they could move on with their lives. Felt like I was going to be sick…

When he found this out, he was either truly shocked and enraged, or feigning shock and rage. His explanation was that he had paid his lawyer for the divorce, and his lawyer lied to him, (it is true that his lawyer is a shady sort, he’s screwed up the whole child custody thing between he and his ex and they’re gonna have to battle his mom for their daughter.) Anyhow, when he and I, and she and her bf, went to the courthouse to try to take care of this divorce, I sat outside while those two went into the courtroom together to confront his lawyer (because my BF was trying to fire his lawyer to proceed ahead with the custody case without him, etc) and he claims, he CLAIMS that his lawyer told he and his ex wife that “he thought the divorce was taken care of.” Um hello, he’s the lawyer, he would have known! Either the lawyer took the money and deliberately did not file the papers (which, I wouldn’t put past him), or, which is also likely, my boyfriend’s a lying rat bastard. I never got a chance to ask his now ex-wife what his lawyer REALLY said in the courtroom, I could call her and ask, she would tell me, but I’m honestly scared to ask. Scared of what I’ll find out.

(See, when she and I first talked, she told me that her boyfriend was worried about how she was still married, thinking that she wanted to go back to her husband. She was like, “I don’t love him anymore, why would I take him back?” And I thought to myself, excuse me, but he’s got me, what makes you think that he’d take YOU back if you went back to him? I thought that was really odd. She is a nice and interesting person but that said a lot, makes me wonder if she believes her husband is still in love with her and wants her still! And if that’s the case, why? Very odd.)

I told him he should get his money back from the lawyer for this ‘divorce’ if it was never done, god knows we could use that $500, but when he talked to his lawyer he never used the word “divorce” so he could have meant any old thing, like the custody. His lawyer has to pay him back for the custody as well. And his lawyer said he’s only paying him $300 back which is odd because the divorce was $500 (and nothing at all was done apparently) and the custody a few thousand. He did appear at one custody hearing so he doesn’t owe him all of that custody money, but the divorce money, the lawyer should be giving back to him. So I am suspicious. Especially since I thought he should just indulge my ‘paranoia’ (maybe just, maybe not) and use the word ‘divorce’ when speaking of monies owed, the next time he called his lawyer about such things, but he wouldn’t do it and started getting this weird, nervous look on his face.

I just don’t know, I have no way of proving ANYTHING and it makes me literally sick and on the edge of an anxiety attack. Cause I start thinking, well if he’s lying, then why? Did he hope she’d come back one day, even after 3 years???? Or was he postponing his divorce because he didn’t want to marry me? It just seems like there is a reason he stopped talking to me about marriage, like um, he knew he was still married! That liar. His mother knew, although she’s a shady player in this game, going behind his back to talk to his own lawyer to try to keep their daughter from them. But still… it wouldn’t be the first time he’s lied his scrawny butt off about stuff…

Oh god, I feel an anxiety attack/food binge attack coming on.

I need to stop, because right now that Chinese is sounding mighty damn good…

I just wonder if I am the only person who feels this way sometimes, like they need to compare themselves to the ex? Or like they’re not good enough sometimes? Especially, even more so, when stomach cramp inducing crap like the above happens and changes the way you see things? Changes your trust?

I feel this way. He had asked me to marry him, in 2006, but had stopped talking about it, in early 2007. Stopped referring to me as his ‘fiancee’, started calling me his ‘girlfriend’ again. So I stopped wearing the ring (which in all honesty, wasn’t even a real engagement ring, it had diamond chips.) Before I had even stopped wearing the ring, he stopped talking of any wedding plans and would change the subject if the word was even mentioned. Could that be because he knew he was still married, was never for real about marrying me anyway? His divorce was final last week… still not a word. Why did he supposedly marry her because she was pregnant… but he doesn’t have such interest in doing the same with me, and he claims he loves me more than anything?

Something is just not right here. This sort of stuff really screws with my dieting. I know the above wasn’t really diet-centric, but that stuff has an effect on my mental state and affects what my food habits may or may not be. I don’t know what sort of things I should do to combat the food binge urges that strike me when drama occurs.

It just reinforces to me that maybe I’m just not good enough. Not skinny enough.

And I shouldn’t feel that way.

When I looked in the cabinets, fridge, and freezer, I realized that I’ve ran low on grocery supplies and don’t have everything necessary to do Phase 1 right now as I planned. Being that I have $0 on the food budget, I’m just going to have to eat sensibly and try to keep my calories, bad carbs, and fats in check until I’ve got the money to work with.

We had to pay some of the electricity bill, which we’re behind on, some of the car payment, which we’re also behind on, we haven’t even SEEN the phone and internet bill (good god, I can only imagine), and we had to buy diapers and wipes. So while we do have food in the cabinets, I’m not going to be able to do the more strict Phase 1 until the 11th, which is when I’ve got the $$. Thankfully my food budget has risen, we’ve made some cuts here and there. So I’ll be able to get some pretty good stuff that will definitely aid me on the diet. I’ll start July 13th, since that’s a Sunday (and I like to keep things even. Sunday, to Sunday, to Sunday, to Sunday, if that makes sense.) Until then, like I said, I’m going to eat a daily calorie count of 1600. Today we got Chinese and I, rather than stuff myself, ate until I was satisfied (not gorged full or anything.) I then put the rest in the fridge, and while I’ve thought of the food sitting there in the past few hours, I’ve not even touched it. I’m proud of myself because Chinese is a MAJOR weakness. Until then, the 13th, I’m going to come up with menus, recipes, meal plans, and a shopping list so that I’m prepared when the time comes.

On the forum there is a thread about one’s July weight loss goals, and I have committed myself to 6 pounds. In writing. So here I am yet again, committing myself to 6 whole pounds in writing. God, I hope I can achieve that goal. It would be a mini goal but a success none the less if I were able to do it. I want to incorporate exercise along with what I do but it’s such a burden sometimes. I do have an exercise DVD, but there’s not a lot of room in which to move about. Only the TV in the bedroom is hooked up to a DVD player (actually, an X box.) The TV in the living room only plays video games, the television part for some reason won’t work. I imagine we could hook up the X box to it to watch DVD’s and that would give me more space… I will look into that. (A.k.a., mention in passing to the BF and hope like hell that he’ll take the time to unplug the Xbox and all those damned wires and hook it up in the living room.)

I also have a really great stroller, a Graco, with big sturdy wheels that roll right through gravel and inclines and grass and everything else. So for awhile there I had been taking strolls around the ‘hood, but I’ve gotten very lazy. It’s so much effort to get dressed (stay-at-home-mom, I stay in a T shirt and pajama pants all day until I can get a shower) and get the baby properly attired and then strapped into the thing, and then of course, it takes even more effort to walk… Sigh. Why don’t I have the proper motivation to exercise? I’m always so listless, fatigued, Eeyore-like. But if I could just bring myself to walk around for an hour a day, I’d have the pounds melting off like hot butter on a biscuit (heh, whaaat? I have SO been in the South too long, lol.)

I know I’ve done some bad cheating in the diet thus far, but this month, I’ve not lost anything at all. I wonder if my metabolism is really slow. It would only be my own fault, not eating all day sometimes and then eating a big meal, or eating all day the next; my poor metabolism is probably really confused and trying to hang on to all the fat that it can. I know one good way to up a metabolism is to exercise, (duh!), another is to space out your meals every three hours or so, like little mini meals. Which is no problem on the South Beach diet, you’re always eating something.

Last night my BF had to go to the emergency room just like I did. He came down with the same virus, so he called my BFF and had her take us to the emergency room. He wasn’t as sick as me so he got to stay in Express care which is faster, and my friend and I, and my son, went to Walmart (open 24.7, yay!) We looked around at the clothes and there were SO many good sales, $5 sales left and right, for these adorable tops and tiny little bright shorts that I’m just dying to be able to fit into. I’m planning on getting at least a top and a pair of shorts, hopefully before the sale ends. That way I can put it to the side as motivation, as what I CAN wear if I lost the weight. I’ll purchase a medium, what I used to wear. I saw so many skinny girls (many of them teens, urgh, I feel so old and I’m only 22) with tiny short shorts and summer ready bods. I saw older women too who were WORKIN’ IT! I saw one woman in her 40’s with a body of a 18 year old. I was so incredibly envious of all of these girls and women and thought to myself, “that can be ME again!” I felt like a gross whale, who towered over a lot of people. King Kong. It took all of my willpower to resist my friend’s offer to get me some food at McDonald’s when we stopped by there. But I did.

I’m not sure if I mentioned how I had stopped posting on the South beach forum on the 3fc website, because of some controversial stuff that went on. I decided to hell with it, I want to post there anyway because I need all the help and advice I can get no matter how blunt.  I did make an attempt to make things right.  I tried to explain myself in the best way I knew how, and tried to explain how I wasn’t intending on being mean.  I didn’t really get any response however, so I’m not sure what they’re thinking, but I did make an effort.   I think at the moment I’m not really liked there and I don’t think some really want me posting there, (I was basically told I could post where ever I wanted butI think they would prefer it wasn’t there.) But, I do need to post there because it is a forum about discussing South Beach matters and since that’s the plan I’m going to be doing, that’s where I’m gonna have to post. That stuff did get me down and I don’t feel good about intruding on a forum where I’m the outsider, but, I eventually hope to make the plan work for me, by listening to other’s advice and maybe gaining support. I do enjoy the forum a whole lot. It’s nice to chat with others when stuff in real life isn’t going so great! It will be a lot harder for me to do the diet alone, whether anyone there likes me or not. I just want to get along civily and help others and be helped. God, I hope this plan works for me, rather, I hope I can make this plan work for me. It’s all in my power, whether I do so or not. And I soooo want to prove some of those posters wrong, who think that I can’t do it just because I’ve initially screwed up and have asked a lot of stupid questions and made a lot of what they call complaints. Ohhh that would be ultimate satisfaction, to see my ticker going down to prove that I too can do it! It’s pure motivation enough. I don’t mean this in an evil way, but I just wanna show ‘em!  I just want to be able to do what they’ve done.

Well, that’s almost it for tonight, but I’ve got a seperate blog post that I want to publish, because I am very anxious right now and just want to vent. I need to vent, need to keep my fingers on this keyboard or I WILL go straight to the food.

Well, on Sunday the 22nd, the final day in the first week of Phase 1, I woke up insanely ill. I was throwing up with simultaneous diarrhea ALL DAY LONG. I couldn’t keep even a sip of water down, and I was becoming dangerously dehydrated. I kept alternating between feeling extremely hot and then having the chills, even thought it was hot as hell outside. I knew I needed to get to a hospital, but my boyfriend was working with a friend on insulation for some extra cash (money is very tight right now!). I was miserable all day (I know, wah, wah, waaaah.) He finally came home and I waited 5 minutes for him to come in and rest, and then announced to him that he would be taking me to the hospital! We called my friend to come take our son for the night which she did.

Dear BF didn’t seem to think that I was sick enough to warrant going to the emergency room (although I certainly did!), so he took me to Express care, right by the emergency room.

Heh.

The nurse got my symptoms, looked at me swaying back and forth with fatigue, weakness and dehydration, red-eyed and faint, and then he promptly announced to another nurse that “another one needed to go to the emergency room.” So they wheeled me off (in a wheelchair, no less) to the emergency room, where I waited hours and hours and hours…

….and hours and hours and hours…

When I was seen, (after more hours and hours), I was diagnosed with a stomach/intestinal virus. I was given an IV with saline to rehydrate me and nausea meds in the IV as well. Then they gave me some tiny pills to take to stop the diarrhea, and took vials of my blood. I was told that I had a fever and my heart rate was up. Then, oh-the-horror!- I was given a suppository of something to bring the fever down. You know your butt is big when the nurse has to pry ‘em apart to get that horrid thing in. Sigh. After falling asleep in the hospital bed (while my bored Bf snored in the chair beside me), the doctor FINALLY came in and diagnosed me with a stomach/intestinal flu (obviously they weren’t really sure), and gave me prescriptions for anti-diarrheals, anti-nausea, and instructed me to take Tylenol for the fever. I was also told I wasn’t allowed to eat for the next two days, just try to keep down liquids and drink broths. Pfft.

So that ruined Phase 1 for me once in for all. I decided to restart this Sunday. Also, I didn’t even lose a single pound that week so I have to step my game up when I restart.

But I’m also going to do it MY way, my version of the SBD. “Fat Melanie’s Modified Version of the SBD”. Such as, I’m going to do Phase 1 and attempt to do it without cheating. It’s good for helping you eliminate your cravings for bad carbs that are high on the GI. But on Phase 2, I will not completely cut out stuff like potatoes, corn, watermelon, carrots, etc, for good! That’s just ridiculous, I won’t do it. I’ll eat it in moderation and less often than I did, but I will not cut it out of my diet for good. Those things have essential vitamins and nutrients and I won’t subscribe to any theory that says they make you fat.

They don’t.

French fries? Yes. A simple baked potato with a dollop of reduced fat sour cream and a sprinkling of cheese? It so doesn’t.

So, on Phase 2, I will be more lenient than some of the other dieters who choose to do it religiously. That is their way and that’s fine, but I choose to do mine this way, which is also fine. You gotta do what’s right for you, not what’s right for everyone else.

For example, say after a few weeks I go to this local Sub place, which is really great. They’re so much better than Subway. Well unfortunately they only serve white bread subs. Being that I don’t eat there daily or even weekly, once in awhile I am going to indulge in their delicious subs whether anyone likes it or not. One white bread sub is NOT, I repeat, is NOT, going to make me gain a pound. It cannot, will not, it’s impossible. No way that one sub can cause me to undo all of my good eating and force my body to gain one whole solid pound of fat. When I go to Subway, I’ll get the whole wheat sub or the salad. And I am capable of making smart choices anywhere else I go. But if I stopped at BK and got a value menu Whopper Jr once in awhile, I’m not going to freak out or punish myself or automatically go off the diet with a feeling of failure just for eating one white bun.

Got it, folks?

This doesn’t make me a South Beach sinner. It’s just something I’ve got to do for me and hopefully everyone can understand and not judge me. I am not able to restrict myself from things 100%, so things in moderation and rarity are what will help me achieve my goals.

Also, I’m going to count calories as well as do the modified SBD. I’m shooting for 1600 calories at first, based on a post I read on the Calorie Counters section of the 3Fc forum. If I see no loss on that, I will modify. I do believe counting calories is also important in weight loss as well as eating healthier carbs. I tend to overeat anyway, so what good is it for me to eat egg and veggie omelet and turkey bacon for breakfast, celery sticks with hummus for a snack, big chef salad for lunch, and the famed Taco Bake for dinner if I’m going to overeat the Taco Bake and eat two big helpings, just because I have a very-wrong mindset that I can because it’s “diet food”? It’s no good, I know it won’t work like that for me, so I need to control my calories to be able to better mind my portions. I know other luckier Beachers are able to portion their food accurately and stop when they’re full, but I am not so good at stopping or telling when I am satisfied. So the calorie counting will aid me, definitely.

I’m going to start exercising again on Sunday, I’m going to try to do strengthening exercises and some cardio. I got some good tips from a person on the 3Fc forum, and you better believe I’m gonna try this girl’s approach because I’ve seen her before and afters and she looks fabulous. Hopefully soon I’ll look fabulous again as well. I hope taking my son out for a stroll around the neighborhood counts as cardio. I got some $1 exercise DVD from Target that looks promising, it’s cardio moves using a step up thing and hand weights. Don’t have the step up thing, but they say it’s recommended but not necessary. I have the little weights, though!

Well I feel I’ve had some discouragement lately but I’m sure not giving up. Looking forward to starting again! I want to look really good by Thanksgiving, which is 4 months away, and be at my goal by Christmas. (5 months away). I’ve got some evil condescending family members that I want to … surprise… …. bwhahahahahahahaaaaaaa! I can just see the look on their faces as they realize that I’m just as good as them (and I’m just as good as them WITH the weight on, but it obviously takes weightloss for them to see this.)

So, let’s toast to new things… *Raises glass of ice water* Let’s toast to new beginnings.. Let’s toast to getting fit n’ healthy.

Okay, yesterday on Day 5, I cheated.  And that’s when things started going downhill.  God dammit.  I have no willpower!
What happened was, I didn’t eat much, other than like a salad, until I ate dinner. I made someone’s delicious enchilada bake from the recipe forum and ate two servings of that, topped with extra sour cream (full fat, which was my first mistake) because I was crazy-hungry.  And I’m pissed because I went and spent my remaining budget money, got 2 big bags of frozen chicken tenderloin pieces (also some beans and ground turkey) and they were freakin’ covered in flour. Why? Why did they need to be covered in flour??  They didn’t seem to be, all frozen in the bag.  But when I started cooking them in the chicken broth, some weird white gummy stuff started coming off of them, and I looked at the bag’s ingredient list.  (Why did there need to be an ingredient list for CHICKEN??)  Lo and behold, it said “lightly dusted with flour” and other chemical sounding crap.  Great, just great.  So, I rinsed them off the best that I could, hoping that it didn’t make a difference in the diet if some miniscule amount of flour remained on them.

But, it’s not like it mattered, because later on I screwed up.  Not nearly as bad as I did today, but I’ll get to that.

So anyway, later on in the night, I caved and went straight for a Lil Debbie’s boston creme roll. And it really wasn’t even good. It was too sugary and wasn’t as good as I imagined it would be.  Obviously my body was in the stages of purging itself of all the bad sugars and carbs, and I went and screwed it all up by devouring that little 300 calorie piece of nutrition-less crap.  I think it was because I hadn’t eaten enough veggies or food period that day.  I told myself I’d do better the next day, because I was gonna make crockpot chili with ground turkey and red beans and onions, and celery.  And I had bought some dry chickpeas to make roasted chickpeas for a snack.

But, me and my boyfriend stayed up all night, uh…  exercising…  (hey, give us a break.  We have a 4 month old!  It’s not often we can anymore.) …. and the next day, I woke up tired, hungry, but in no real mood to eat.  I checked my messages and my Great-Aunt left one saying she wanted to come over to see her great-great-nephew, (because she lives in FL and she hasn’t seen him yet, and she is up visiting..)  So I had to call her, and was trying to reschedule, say, for Saturday, and by that I mean, my boyfriend and I would go to HER house instead, but she would have none of that.  I tried to tell her that I had a really bad migraine (well, it had mainly dissipated, but was still lurking around the corner)… She told me with a no-nonsense ‘tude (which is why she is my favorite aunt, honestly!) to just swish some bleach in the toilets, wipe off the countertops, and take something for my headache, and she was coming over.   I couldn’t fool her!  Honestly, the house was a horrific mess.  Dirty dishes EVERYWHERE, trash piled up, needing to be burned, trashbags of dirty diapers, the countertops FILTHY, floor just freakin’ DECREPID, stuff EVERYWHERE!!!  I’ve had no energy, plus we didn’t have the cash for some new dish detergent until yesterday night…  Also, we live in a single-wide trailer right now, in a trailer park (soon plan on finding a 3 bedroom house) and being that my family is rich, I was embarrassed for them to see how I’m “slumming” it, with a poor guy, a “trailer trash” sort of person.  Although my family pretty much knows that he has lived like that.  They like him despite it.  They’re just glad that he holds a job and takes care of me & my son, unlike my sister’s pathetic boyfriend.  When I finally ‘fessed up to my Aunt about the fact that I just didn’t want them to judge my boyfriend or me, she was like, “no, family is there for eachother, I already know you live in a trailer, it’s okay!”

(Allow me to interject in this point of the story that no, I don’t have prejudice towards people who live in trailers or trailer parks.  I did though, before I met my bf, to be quite honest.  I have always been a middle class citizen in a decent home and never had to worry about whether I was going to starve or not…  then, when I moved in with my grandparents, I went from middle-class kid to priveleged spoiled rich kid.  I’ve known the high life.  And we moved from NY to a country-fried hick county, so we were raised to be just as prejudiced towards the southerners as they are towards us!  Now that I’m older, I see that not everyone who lives in a trailer park is necessarily ‘trailer trash’, as it’s called.  If they are, then I guess I am too!  So who cares.  I’m slumming it apparently, and so is my sister.  Trailer park men are just as much a man as a rich doctor is!  They’re still men, not a foreign species.)

Anyway, so my mother brought my aunt over, then my BFF came over as well, so I had visitors for awhile, before I even got to eat a thing.  By the time they all left, it was around 4 pm.  I was really hungry then, I hadn’t eaten all day!  So I scrambled 3 eggs with a splash of fat free milk, with a slice of american cheese, cooked with Smart Balance margarine, and ate about 1/3 cup of lowfat cottage cheese (urgh!  I like it better with pineapple!)

Then I started craving sweets, and my unsupportive boyfriend kept urging me to eat the little debbie’s snacks.  And he wanted a sub from Subway, so he kept asking me if I wanted one.  He wouldn’t stop…

So I caved and devoured not only a little debbie’s boston creme roll, but a little debbie’s brownie.  I didn’t even want to finish the brownie, the sweetness was gross, but I did anyway.  Then I figured, what the hell, the day is shot, why not get that sub?

I did make the conscious decision to get a whole wheat roll, though.  But, I didn’t have to eat a large sub, now did I?

But yes, yes I did.  Sigh.

It was a large turkey & provolone sub, with mayo, oil and vinegar, lettuce, tomato, green peppers, onions, banana peppers, black olives…

Half of it would probably be acceptable on the Phase 2 of the SBD, but that’s just it, I’m not on Phase 2!

But unlike other times I’ve tried and failed, this time is different.  I am NOT giving up.  I am continuing on with Phase 1, although a lot of people would probably tell me to just give up.  To penalize myself for cheating, I will add an extra 3 days to Phase 1 (because um, I’ve kinda sorted cheated on 3 days of it).  The days don’t count if I cheat again.  For example, if I cheat again, guess what, that’s another extra day!  That makes 4 days!  Guess what?  GUESSWHAT??  I     REFUSE to be overweight anymore!  And I refuse to quit, dammit!

Look, so far I haven’t lost anything yet, although it’s been about a week.  People claim to lose a big amount in the first week or so of the Phase 1 part of the SBD, but I don’t necessarily expect to (although it would be nice.)  1-2 lbs a week is what’s healthy and attainable, and if I didn’t lose at least a pound, then I’m definitely going to have to revamp what I’m doing so that it works for me.  No matter what, I should at LEAST have lost a pound by Monday’s weigh in.  I agree with some of the comments posted, I definitely need to add a lot of veggies to my meals, that’s something I’m lacking in compared to the amount of protein I’ve been consuming.

At least I did do one thing, though.  Even while I was waiting for that sub to arrive via my bf and his brother, I was soaking chickpeas and letting them sit, then cooking them.  Then I mixed them with smart balance margarine (full of healthy oils, that is) and spead them on a pan and roasted them until brown and crunchy.  Then I put spices on them and shook it up in a tupperware to coat.  Spicy, and delicious.  A great snack for times when one craves salty crunchy things.  DELISH!

So, tomorrow I’m starting anew.  I think I’m gonna do scrambled eggs with cut up veggies for breakfast, roasted chickpeas as a snack, a large salad with turkey and cheese and veggies for lunch, celery and hummus for a snack, then that chili for dinner.  Mmm mm.