Losing Me!

Still plugging around with my dieting. I’m having success with alli.  In the last 3 months I’ve lost 7 pounds. For me, this is BIG. I know I would do better if my life wasn’t so chaotic. We have been doing remodeling our home and selling it this Summer.  I do realize, that my health is very important so I really need to step up my walking program.

My very favorite friend is coming to visit me.  She lives far from me.  I want to look good to see her.  She is so beautiful inside and out.  I think I can step things up next week and I already lost before.  She is kind of my role model with food, diet and praying.

Breakfast: vanilla yogurt, mixed berries, peach, 1 pancake with powd sugar, milk, coffee

Lunch:

Dinner:

Snacks:

I lost 0.5 pounds this month.  January totally sucked.  I had Bronchitis and rarely walking.  I did not move the scale the way I wanted to.  Then to cap off the month, we had a huge ice storm with tons of limbs and home damage.  I am trying to keep up with the bills normally and now we have more bills.  I am also deep into 3 back to back cheer competitions.  This will be our 3rd weekend on Saturday.  I am looking forward to seeing some old friends there and I want to look good so I am walking more and doing better this week.

breakfast: smoothie…miniwheats…strawberries…milk…lots of coffee

lunch: chicken breast with salad

I know I am not a loser but I really hate myself sometimes.  Here it is 2 weeks and I have not made any progress!  What is wrong with me?  I can’t believe it is almost the end of the month and I have nothing to show for it so far.

I have been sick with bronchitis all week and I have not walked.  I worked on paperwork all week.  My Hubby is the usual jerk…working and not talking to me.  He is a freaking jerk.  I am so close to dragging him into our priest or a marriage counselor.  I have seen 3 of them  over the last 10 years and they were of little help.  They never figured out that he is an alcoholic and I have lived through my own private hell as I try to keep things together for my kids and our home.  The few family and friends I have shared this with, they are ignoring me.  I don’t do this to other people.  I support them. People drink too much and I hate it.  I cannot enjoy a glass of wine anymore.

I want to lose weight and I want to have something that I can control.  I want my family and friends to be proud of me.  I want to be healthy.  I want to wear the nice clothes hanging in my closets.  I want to be brought out for dinner with my husband and he may even be proud.

He was a good man but he is addicted to things and he is forgetting me.  He is scum right now and I am so friggin mad at him.  I can’t deal with the pain…I have 5 kids to deal with.  My head swims and my heart is full of stress.  I have to go forward and I have to take care of my health and my kids.  I have to focus on the good things…he has a good job and we have a decent income.  I am just painfully lonely and I am so swamped by laundry and carpools that I have no close girlfriends.  My one girlfriend…a swell Christian woman stopped talking to me when I confided about our marriage problems.  So Christian of her…she only picks her perfect Christian families.  I have my cross to bear…we all do…she has her own.  I will always support others despite their situations.  Honestly, I don’t think she did it on purpose but it is obvious to me.

Monday: smoothie, nutrigrain waffles, chilimac (WW recipe), nice salad with small amount of spaghetti and sauce

I have the great excuses but I have to focus.  I need to make momentum this January and February or I will feel like I’m in a rut.  I am 189 right now and no progress this week.  I had a set back by snacking on hershey kisses.  To combat this I am going to plan my meals and I will stick to it.  It will help if I have some yummy foods to enjoy.  Right now, we have all been sick and I have eaten what is nearby.  I am bored!

I have walked this week but not yesterday and it is way to cold to walk today.  I will do a little more around Sams Club I suppose.

breakfast: smoothie   lunch: bean burrito  snack: apple laughing cow  dinner: chicken patties mash pot gravy green beans

Weekends are always my challenge.  I don’t drink and I don’t even go out for fancy dinners but somehow, I have this mentality that it is TGIF and I can indulge just a little.  Everything I’ve done to lose weight, it will only happen by little changes.  It is almost painfully slow.  And then, I just slide up and down on the scale.  I realize that I have to stop some of my insanity.  I have to exercise and I have to stop eating pizza on Fridays (which I have improved).  I have to lose those precious pounds and not let them come back.  My worst enemy is time…I just don’t have time to plan.  I am losing excuses now because my little guy is on 5 day PreK and I plan to walk more.

We always have pizza on Fridays.  Then we have leftovers for the weekends.  This is for my kids not for me. My lower fat diet, has changed my tastes.  I don’t want it anymore (yeah for me!)  I do other dishes that I enjoy.  My favorite is Ratatouille in my crock pot (do a regular recipe and drizzle just a little of olive oil and let it go on low…it is done by dinner). Yesterday, I used up my ham bone and made red beans and rice.  I will say that I am evolving from my 2 or 3 pizza slices.

So I reflect… and to improve, I will walk in the cold and I will plan my meals.  Thirdly, I will pay attention to what I put in my mouth and I will journal my foods this next week,

breakfast: my smoothie (1/3 frozen banana, 1/2 c. frozen strawberries, dash of honey, 1/3 c. vanilla yogurt and water) onto the magic blender…YUM!  later I will have nutrigrain waffles and spray butter. Going to the library with my little guy and I will walk the dog. lunch: homemade red beans and rice dinner: flank steak with terriyaki, a yummy salad with balsamic vinegar
snacks:  homemade popcorn

After 2 days I am back to myself.  I had some mild flu thing.  It was kind of a blessing in that I did not feel well enough to do much but lay around and I connected with old friends from High School, College, and friends I moved away by starting a Facebook.

The horrible side is I have to face my house today.  My children are fairly helpful but we have crazy evenings with many kid’s activities…cheer, fencing, dance team, Confirmation classes, trombone lessons and soon again, Basketball.  I believe in kids staying active and by Junior High, they need that niche whether it is chorus or cheer.   I am behind on laundry, meal preparation and the my Christmas stuff is still up!

Another blessing,  I lost a 4 pounds with my very rare decreased appetite the few days.  My stomach was in knots, not fun.  I was woozy and I am so glad to be upright today!  I think I was beaming saying HELLO to everyone at the school drop off.

I finally broke down and put my Scooter into Prek 5 days instead of 3.  I hated to do that because I love having him home but I am so freaking busy that I really cannot spend time with quality time with him.  He usually is stuck with errands and he is watching too much TV.  He loves his friends and school.  It will make adjustment to Kindergarten easily too.  Personally, I need som extra quiet around here.

This is my year…THIS IS IT!  I am going to get it all together.  2004 I survived a Stroke, 2005 My husband realized he was an out of control alcoholic and my life unraveled (he is better with it), 2007 I broke my leg and ankle and my husband’s mentor and boss suddenly died, 2008 was not tragic except that I have not lost but 5 pounds, I am stressed out and my workaholic husband is distant.  Every year, I live in fear.  I keep moving keeping the kids happy and healthy and there is not much life for me.  This is my year, to get healthier!  I don’t want to hex it but I love my alli…it helps a lot and forces me to eat healthier choices or I feel worse later.  My Sam-e it helping my heel spurs and I can simply walk!  What a simple gift to walk and be alone each day.

Thank you GOD!

I started my diet blog last year on January.  I know that I am going forward even though I am not going quickly.  This year I hope to continue my healthy progress and find some personal happiness.  Currently, my life is chaotic and stressful.  I have 5 wonderful kids and I hope I can continue to be a good Mom to them.  My husband is a good man but something is missing from him.  He is so absorbed into his work.  So he is a big sales executive and has a big, important job…he wanted a large family and has dropped out of our family these past years.  I am giving him the time to be the executive he wants to be but I am going to remind him that he has some responsibilities and there are things lacking around our home.  I just cannot keep up with everything.  I am trying hard not to be bitter or angry.  Most of the time, I just cannot contemplate my lonely and overwhelmed existence.  The only thing I know, is that I feel like crap and dumpy.  I don’t think my important husband or my cool cheerleader daughter think I am worthy enough for a pat on the back or want me in their lives.  That hurts but I have to go forward and keep working to my goals and not beat myself up.

So my personal goals this year is to lose more weight.

• I have promised myself to walk even in the winter and I am cold.  I will walk unless there is ice, rain or sleet.  I will bring the dog. I will do sit ups, push ups and weights.
• I will eat heart healthy choices…lots of fruit, veggies and lean meats.  I will get my cholesterol checked early this January or February.
• I have been drinking a lot more water and will continue giving up diet sodas.
• I will keep up taking my supplements: vitamin, juiceplus, garlic, fish oil, biotin and Sam-e
• I will keep supporting my husband and asking him to do more quality times together or ask for counseling
• I will keep using the alli
• I find it hard to record my meals but I will keep trying.
• I will try to spend more time with my girlfriends

Today I have been ill with a mild flu or something and my appetite has been non existent.  This is good for me although I have been in bed and not getting anything done.  My house is a mess.

breakfast: nutrigrain waffles, crunchy peanut butter, coffee with creamer and sugar

lunch: soup

snack: apple

dinner: fish, baked potato with a little sour cream and cooked spinach

This is my beautiful family. After years of trying, I finally got a decent family picture. Most of the time it is is not so good. Yeah for us! Here I am in the same blouse I wore last Christmas. I liked it so I did not mind but part of me said, I did not deserve a pretty new outfit, the reality is I was too busy to buy a new outfit with traveling to visit family.

I did lose some weight this year. I actually lost 100 pounds as I yo yo’d up and down the same 5 pounds all year. THIS DRIVES ME CRAZY! So this year I will continue to work harder and I plan to do it. I started my Alli and it works quite well. I did indulge during Christmas so I need to work harder and keep walking.

I have decided I would not try to fix everything in my life with new resolutions. I am just going to LIVE, LOVE and LAUGH! My only resolution is to not waste time (like on a computer) and to walk.

Today: cereal, veggies and dip, buffalo chick strip, tortilla chips with rotel dip (but just a little)…tonite…New Year’s Eve and I am having snow crab legs and a wonderful salad at home. I am skipping the butter and I can’t wait! I don’t drink so no problem with those calories. ; )

I have been sloppy and distracted about my diet and it was putting me in a horrible mood.  I decided it was time to work on me more.  I have to sit on myself because there is always a fire around our home (meaning major problems) and I can easily do something else for some else than myself.  I am still working on how to do this but I am pleased on my new diet plan.

Today, I finally canceled my weight watchers etools online.  I never use it but I have paid $12.95 every month since January 2004.  WOW!  I wish I had the time to do it that way because I think it is good.  I will miss some of the features.

My new thing is I bought and have used the alli diet pills.  I started right after Halloween and I have lost 8 pounds!  I am pretty excited.  I have not tracked all the calories but I am keeping my fats low and reducing my snacks.  I am walking some but I need to walk more and I would have lost more!  Alli is a fat blocker and it is just making my low fat choices work even better.  I would have lost 3 or 5 pounds but now I have lost 8!!!  This is what my 40 year old body needed.  It is FDA approved and they have a online support too.

Today… I woke up at 4:30 am and I could not sleep.  I am not happy with my husband and I worked out a letter so I can share it with him.  I can barely communicate with him for many reasons but my weight is a good part of it.  Thank God there is a glimmer of hope with losing some weight.

Gonna go walk!

I deleted a lot on my diet blogs posts last night. I felt like it was clutter in my mind. I really love all the new bells and whistles on the diet blog. When I really think about it, I am always thinking 24/7 about losing weight.  In this diet blog, I can organize my thoughts.  Sometimes I wonder if I am wasting my time but I think it is good.  I would be happier if I had more success.

Basically, I am not giving up. Now that school has begun, I must find more time to diet.  I am going to try hard this week to exercise 4 times this week and I want to eat less.  I want to lose some real weight.