Things have been up and down.  There were a couple weeks where i got down to 148, but only because I was emotionally off and didn’t feel like eating anything.  I ran into a guy i used to date, and i got kind of upset over it.  Which is strange… or not, i don’t know.  We saw each other the following two weeks at this same event and both acted awkward and tried not to show any feeling.  I said hi and kept things short and then moved on.  I kept going over in my head how awkward it was and how i must move on because he obviously does not care is not bothered.  I hate that i am bothered.  Maybe he is bothered but is trying as hard as me to cover it up.  I don’t know.  It does not matter.  I’m growing up, life is progressing, i am standing on the edge of uncertainty in many ways, and some dude who does not know what he wants with his life is not going to keep me from jumping forward to better things.  Anyway, since then i have been compulsively exercising to make up for my compulsive eating.  I am sitting at 150.  Two days ago the scale said 155… i nearly cried.  I probably should not weigh myself so much, but i feel like life is so out of control that i need a scale to check in.  I need to get back to healthy.  I need to breathe deeply and be HERE, NOW.  Present, in the moment.  School is so close to being over, i can smell my degree it’s so close.  I need to just plow through and eat my veggies and beans and nuts and fish and whatever else that will keep me balanced… chicken is good… quinoa, fruit with peanut butter or almond butter… my awesome protein cookies.  I need to get away from gummy candies (mmm) and chocolate (mmmm).  Those are my weapons -late night binges to cope with stress and emotion.

On a good note– i have been moving lots.  Lots of late night walks (after my late night eating), bike riding and running, a bit of weights and yoga.

This week i would like to focus on incorporating some core exercise and just… living.  Think of posture and stand tall.  Being on top of life.  Being happy.  Being thankful for what i’ve got…. because i have so much to be thankful for.

Back to balance.  back to healthy.

Maintaining at 150.  I’ve been binging for days now, it’s pretty bad.  The stress is high, the work productivity is low.  I seem to be worrying about everything i have to do, more than actually doing it.  I occupy myself with sweet and starchy food.. yum, chocolate, bready stuff, ice cream, hot chocolate, wine gyms… yup, it’s been bad.  I have fallen off the wagon… and have so much to do!  I am preoccupied with the thought of weight gain and weight loss and then just eat eat eat… and my school work– it needs to get done or i’ll never graduate!!!

Stop here.  Let the stream of thoughts flow by.  Sit tall while i type at my laptop.  Think about breathing, think about posture, shoulder-blades sliding down my back, spine reaching to the ceiling.  Breath deeply into my body.  Re-connect.  Breathe.  Connect.  I am… here… now… in my body… not OUT THERE somewhere orbiting around something else.  I am here, now.  What matters right now is that i get those assignments for class done, and that i go to bed.  Tomorrow i will wake up early and go for a walk before i go to school.

Just before i started writing, i calculated my BMI to be 25.3!  3 pounds less and i’ll be at 24.8, officially healthy weight.  Somehow making that mark into “normal” is such a big deal for me.  Like i am no longer responsible for being overweight… ’cause i’m not!! well, not yet… but close.

Goodnight.

Re-evaluate here.  I’m at a good spot: 150 pounds.  I have lost 16 pounds since writing this blog.  It’s not a huge amount, but it is the process which has been so important.  i think i have found things i didn’t know i lost… i think i have grown more into myself and figured out what makes me happy.  I think i have finally learned to put myself front and centre and it’s ok.  i have found that people respond to me differently when i stand tall and smile…  i have re-found my bicycle and how happy and free it makes me feel.

At this mark i need to re-evaluate my goals.  Are my goals weight related?  Yes, i guess mostly.  I want to get down to 140.  I am 10 pounds away.  I need to check in with exercise and diet.  Both are pretty good… they are not overly controlled or planned… but i find i do better that way.  I think if i set up a general outline for working out… i can see what my week looks like.  I spend way to much money on groceries that go bad before i end up eating them… i think quick stuff on the run is a better way to go and time-saver.  Spinach salads… proteins such as tofu and chicken and beans… etc.  Still not buying bread, but will eat it when i’m out (in moderation).  I think i need to stop buying chocolate and wine gums… i tend to go overboard… it’s bad.  As long as i have my super-crazy-healthy-cookies… i think that will curb the chocolate cravings. And i think i can also give up alcohol for a month… i can do without the calories, hang-overs, and any embarrassing stories that i may regret later.

Fitness goals: i want variety… i want… freedom… trees… outside.

1 long run around the lakes

2 shorter runs

1 hike/walk/run through one of the parks

ride to school 3-4 x / week.

weights (mix it up), 3x / week

climb once a week

yoga 2x

So these are the goals for the next month.  I’m aiming for 145 by november.  That’s 5 pounds this month… ugh… i’m not sure i can lose that fast… but i’m going to try.

Sooo, i’ve realized that… A lot has happened and i haven’t really taken the time to reflect.  Time has flown.  Time flies as i sit here typing.  I can’t figure out how i put aside so much time to get my school work done and all i end up doing is outlining what i am supposed to do, but don’t get anything done.  Physical activity and healthy eating seem to be taking the front seats in my life.  I love being active, i love being outside.  But somehow there is something that makes me feel incredible irresponsible to live this way– that is- to put myself and my happiness first over school work or making money to support myself.  What about the rest of my life?  I am at the end of my degree… the homestretch, i can’t give it all up now.  I need to take pride… i need to take balance.  What about my social life?  What about the friends who i don’t call back, or say i’ll make plans with and then blow off so i can go get lost in the woods by myself?  I tell myself, well, that’s what i need more at this point.  School is such a social process, i feel so overwhelmed and overworked that i don’t really want to see people when i’m not at school.  i guess that’s why i’m enjoying being active and exercising… it’s a stress release.  I have vegetable soup on the stove cooking.  in the past three hours i have: had a bath, cooked soup, eaten some other easy stuff– yogurt, fruit, broccoli, my-super-healthy-cookies,…. thats pretty random for diet…. i’ve thought about all of the emails i have to write, all of the things i have to do for school… but i haven’t actually done them.. hmmm.  This isn’t good.  I think this is time to write new goals…. to deal with life- just living… because being healthy is living healthy, and i need to balance some things out.  I’m starting to get anxious when i don’t get enough exercise in, like i’m going to gain 23 pounds and turn into a blimp… like i’m going to put on everything i’ve worked so hard to lose.  Time to re-evaluate.  I think i’m in a good spot to do it too… as i have just hit 150 pounds.  New goals…. coming soon.

It is Sunday… yesterday i was 151, but today i weighed (i know i shouldn’t do that so often)… but i did…. and i am 150!  After the big triumph (weighing), i went for a 10k walk/run with a friend in the trails.  It was a beautiful sunday morning.  I am hungry, but i am choosing to go to bed.  Good night!

Another week has gone by, and i sit here to reflect and recover the events, and my energy, and wonder how i lose time so fast.  Somehow going out tonight seems like far too much energy.  And i am happy to sit and sort through my life… file away the papers and the homework, clean home, get ready for another week.  I was out last night all i could think of was how much i wanted to go home and sleep.  I often wonder how much of my life is spent planning and how much is spent doing.  On my to do list is to make a plan for the week… when will i ride to work/school (on my bike = exercise), when will i drive, when will i get in other forms of exercise, what groceries do i need to get so i can eat well this week… plan ahead of what kinds of things i will want to pack and eat for lunch, when will i get my assigments done this week… but without planning…. life would be a bit of a shit-show, i think.

So another week has gone by…. and i another pound down, yay! 151 pounds.  It feels really good to get here.  I feel like 140 is not that far away anymore.  i feel like i REALLY REALLY want to get under 150… and i think that will be difficult. I find it a bit odd that i am hung up on numbers.

One thing that is weird is… i can’t actually see my body change.  I can tell from clothes… and friends say i look great… but i can’t see it.  I find it weird.  The only thing i have noticed is that my quads are rather built up from riding my bike so much.  I look at old pictures of me and newer pictures of me and definitely see a difference.  Especially when i was in the 170s a few years ago… that’s nice to know.

I think the biggest difference between then and now is… maturity… taking the time to put myself first and know what i want…. instead of doing what everyone else was doing.  Taking the time to look good, eat well, and get exercise in makes me feel really good.  Lately the first thing get compromised has been sleep…. and I get really cranky and am not so nice to be around… so i think i need to fix that this week.  I just have to tell myself that IT’S OK if i don’t get everything done.  As long as i am taking care of myself, that is what counts.  Sounds pretty selfish, i know… but that’s what is working, that’s how i roll these days, and it’s what keeps me happy.

I was just looking back at the past year i have written here.  I started at 166.  Today I am 152.  I am 12 pounds away from my goal.  I can do it.  I am a different person than the one who starting writing this page last November.  I am more sure of myself and my life.  It feels good to get here.  I just hope i stay on this track of going up in confidence and down in weight.  I think weight loss is more about the inner than the outer.  You have to get your stuff lined up first on the inside, before it reflects on the outside.  Cliche, but true.  Probably cliche for a reason.

It is Saturday night.  I am home cooking and baking.  I made some pretty weird (awesome) cookies.  They are super healthy– i just made up the ingredients, a little bit o’ this, a little bit o’ that.  the 3 main ingredients ended up being ground oats, white kidney beans (pureed), and soy protein isolate.  There were lots of wet ingredients including a banana and apple sauce.  There also was NO egg, sugar, or fat… but of course there were plenty of chocolate chips.  I’m feeling pretty good after an insane week.  I am here to relax, regroup, and just chill before another steady week.  My bike was in the shop for 24 hrs having fenders put on.  I felt like a part of me was missing.  I have it back now and look forward to going for a ride tomorrow.  I think i will go to the early yoga class as well.  i need an excuse to get up early.  today i slept until 11:30am.  That is very unlike me, but i just couldn’t wake up.  Possibly as sign of stress.

Goals for this week: 1 pound down: to 151 pounds.  climb monday, yoga tuesday, gym wed and fri morning.  A long ride on thursday.  Ride to school mon, tues, fri.  i want to start walking again in the mornings.  i miss that.  The trouble is convincing myself to use that time for walking instead of last minute readings that i didn’t get done the night before.  perhaps i can compromise and go for  short run instead of a walk on those mornings.  We’ll see.

Yup… another check-in.  it has been awhile since i have wrote.  Things are crazy busy… school is the craziest it has ever been… but i have noticed a difference this year: i have put exercise as a priority and i don’t feel guilty about it.  my physical, mental, and emotional health (which i take care of through exercise) are far more important than getting readings done, or going out for coffee with friends or for beer.  My rationale: School is a social process and when time is short, i’m cutting out the time sitting around at the pub or at a friend’s house (as much as i love that)… so that i can get a bike ride in, or a yoga class, or a run, or a walk, or…. whatever my activity may be (or even better is planning social activities as going to a yoga class together or going for a walk together).  I feel far more productive and on top of life.  That is the secret my friends, physical activity… lots of it, continuously.  You don’t have to kill yourself…. but if you commute on your bike instead of in your car, you are not even sacrificing any time to get extra exercise in.  Yes, riding your bike to work can be a pain in the ass for the first week until you get a routine in… but now i’ve started craving my morning ride.  I guess in a way, one may criticize me by saying that i rely on exercise to clear my head and make me feel good, or i’m escaping my life and my school work by exercising… and in a way, it is true…. and in a way, the opposite is true.  I feel like i am really living when i am exercising because i am present, here and now, and in my body… and that is the best feeling.  It gets me ready for the rest of my tasks of the day.

Current weight: 153.  Astonishing, considering chocolate is my main food group.  I have been trying to get my carb sources from low glycemic or higher protein sources, such as tofu, beans, soy, yogurt, and milk.  But i still love breakfast cereal and bread and other starchy foods… i just keep them in check.  I find that my carb allowance goes to chocolate.  I think about what i am going to eat and it usually starts with quality carbs (like the onces listed above) with protein and then i give myself a choice of either starch or chocolate– but not both.  i think that is the difference.  in the past i have allowed myself to have sweets but only if i have a full/balanced meal first…. because that’s the way i grew up: dessert is only allowed after you have finished your dinner.  But that doesn’t make sense, it just means that you end up eating excess calories on top of calories. Bad idea. *** just want to make a special note in here that while i talk about protein and carbs, in no way do i follow the Atkins diet or believe in it.  i think that we are fat because we eat too much in general… too much of all three energy sources fat, carb, and protein.  we need a balance of all three energy sources to function.  the trick is getting the right amount and steadily so that we don’t crash and burn (late night chocolate fests).  that was just a little side note in case people think i eat mounds of bacon for breakfast.

New round of weight loss: my goals are to stop eating late (as i have been coming home late and feeling stressed go right for the bag of bulk chocolate almonds- bad idea), keep up the activity, and get down to 150 for mid october (4 weeks from now).  watch the nutritionally-challenged-muffins at school- another bad idea.  Other than that — i feel good.  i need to keep up all of this hard work and give myself a pat on the back for doing well and maintaining at the very least.  People have noticed that i am leaner and it always feels good to hear someone say “you’re losing lots of weight, hey?”, and know that my efforts are not going unnoticed.

It’s been a while since i’ve wrote last. I’m dead tired, running on no sleep… so i’m going to make this one short. Currently: 153 pounds. My short term goal: 150 pounds for back to school- that’s only 2.5 weeks away! i think i can do it. It seems my body is a little set on this weight… that, or i can’t control my chocolate cravings and i have plateaued. I’ve been getting a lot of feedback over the past month about how great i look. i admit– i love the attention! But, i’m a little down at how i have not really shrunk in size. I still fit into the same clothes. they are a little big on me, and some clothes are just too big. but if i go shopping, i’m still shopping for the same size.

it’s time to get super excited about another round of losing weight. 3 pounds in 2.5 weeks. I CAN DO IT. I know i can. School is stressful right now. i’m on survival mode and i don’t have energy to be social with people… which kind of sucks and makes this whole losing weight business less worthwhile. But, i will not get discouraged. i know that there has to be a deficiency in energy in order to lose weight… and once i’m there, i can start to be more balanced and overcompensate less. For physical activity, i have been riding my bike to school and work. I really like being out on the road in the morning… but being sweaty and gross is a drawback. I’ve been doing weights at the gym when i can and yoga about once a week. I’m just fitting things in when i can and not worrying too much. My main priority is balancing my mood and dealing with stress- and i do this with exercise… so… i guess burning calories is an added benefit. OK- will write more later. Sleep now.

Wow! it’s interesting the kind of effect stress can have on a body.  In the past week holidays ended and I have gone back to work and school.  It all set in quite quickly and i was striving to keep my life balanced and keeping me happy… and i’m still happy… but the stress is starting to pick up quite quickly as well…. kind of like a tornado– it just collects and keeps building larger and larger.  I sit here typing… 6:30pm, and keep thinking about the paper that is due tomorrow that i have not started.  Gah! Why do i do this?  Well, partly it is procrastination and partly it is that i’ve just been REALLY busy and i’m actually exhausted.  Funny how old habits set in.  Paper writing = stress = intake of chocolate, pasta, and other foods in copious amounts to distract me from the reality that i have to write a paper.  Current weight: 155.  I couldn’t keep up my momentum of losing weight.  I hate that.  Because what i really love is taking long walks and bike rides and i just don’t have time to do it all.  What i need to do is adjust the food intake and just restrict calories.  If only i could cope with the stress and then i would stop eating chocolate!!! ahhhh!

Ok. One thing at a time.  Step one: write the paper.  Step two.  Go for a walk or even a run tonight.  Step three: get enough sleep so i can get up and feel well enough to do it all again.  GO!