Confessions of a Bulk Eater

So I have this one pair of jeans. They were given to me by a girl at work who has lost a TON of weight. No biggie. When she gave them to me, I was still filling 18s well (meaning they weren’t falling off of me like they are now) They are size 16 and they are Calvin Kliens. Hence the reason I kept them. Not to mention they are old and frayed and comfortable looking as well as comfortable to wear. Anyway, they were the one pair of 16’s that fit. Go figure — a designer pair of pants fitting when others don’t. None of my other 16’s fit. And if you wonder how many pairs of jeans I own…well, I don’t even know myself. I could probably outfit a small army in jeans. I love them. It’s my daily uniform. Jeans and a shirt.

Anyway, I put these comfy pair of Calvin’s on today and…. they are loose. They are not annoyingly pulling my belly button ring while I’m sitting like they normally do (the top of the jeans get’s hooked under the bottom barbell), I did not have to “suck it in” to put them on, and they are not looking skin tight on my thighs. Could I actually be making some progress? I’ve been sick all weekend and haven’t eaten much at all, so I’m not sure if it’s real or not. These jeans are not fitting like freshly washed jeans. They are fitting like jeans that have been worn every day for a week — and I’m sure we all know how those feel.

I am a little nervous to try on some of my other pairs though. Although it would be nice to be able to wear some of them instead of the 18’s that are starting to fall off of me. I’m just afraid that if I go to try them on and they don’t fit, that I will feel that sense of defeat. It happens… I guess I just have to mentally prepare myself and not let it defeat me this time.

I woke up this morning with a sore throat and that weird head cold feeling. Not to mention the fact that I spent the night with the Captain last night and my kids woke me up before the crack of dawn. This is why I prefer not to drink when the kids are home - the morning comes too early. I’m not hungover, I just don’t feel good (yes I am whining!)

This cannot be happening. I can’t afford to be sick right now. We are supposed to be pulling the flooring out of our house today. I can’t take time off of work because we are now down 2 people in our department due to layoffs and I don’t want to lose MY job. I need to start seriously packing, I have to go to the new house to do laundry since our dryer is broken, I have to do all my usual chores on top of the stuff we are doing at the house. I go to NY in 2 weeks (YAY!) and I need to be better by then. I need to be able to go to the gym this week because I didn’t do ANYTHING- ANYTHING this past week.

Why does it seem that when we begin to make progress in our weight loss efforts, somethign comes along to sabatoge us? I was thisclose to Onederland and I feel it is a little further away right now. I know it will come off eventually, but I wanted to be under 200 by the time I went to NY. It’s not unattainable yet, but I definitely need to do some work to get there in 2 weeks.

And tiny2b: I think I am finally caught up with back episodes and ready to see the new one on Monday. One question: OMG - HE BIT HER!! I mean, I knew it would happen eventually, but I figured they’d drag it out a bit. And that damn collie really creeps me out.

2pm.

I am a wreck right now. I didn’t get much sleep. I went to bed late b/c thanks to tiny2b, I have become hooked on True Blood and I was watching episodes on HBO On Demand to catch up. My son is sick and wanted to sleep with me since hubby was working overnight last night. He kept waking up and then waking me up to “snuggle” which was like snuggling with an oven at 350 degrees. My daughter for some reason woke up and refused to go back to sleep until about 3am or so. Not only that but my mind was racing. Finally fell asleep sometime before 4. My alarm goes off at 5. I didn’t wake up until 6. Never heard my alarm. At that point, I was running 30 minutes behind. My hair looks like crap today b/c I couldn’t even dry it. (I have found the secret to liking my hair though - it has to be dirty) So I was late to work. Found out there will be layoffs tomorrow or Monday. 2 in our department. THANKFULLY not me - that would be horrible horrible timing.

SO…. combined with nerves for the closing this morning, running late, no sleep, and having to leave early today so I have to work like a maniac to get 2 days of work done (stayed home yesterday with son) I am a mess. I have already eaten an egg mcmuffin, a hasbrown, and a cupcake. What a great start to the day.

Here they are… pictures of my hair. Now, here’s a disclaimer…. hubby took these pictures and it was late last night. You are not seeing “fresh salon” hair. I had to wash my hair after the gym yesterday so it lost it’s “freshness”. I’m feeling a little frustrated with it because they make it look SO good when you get it done and once you wash it… POOF!! It never looks the same. But I need to have some time to play with it and figure it out. I still like it and I like the color. If anything, I’ll just start growing it out again.

Here you can see the color….

Here’s a view from the front with me and a weird face b/c hubby was being a douche with the camera…

I like my hair cut, I really do. I just wish I could make it look as good as the girl did on Saturday. She got it perfectly straight and soft without using a flat iron. I flat iron it and I still get waves. And it isn’t nearly as soft as she made it…although I think it was the deep conditioner she used. She said my hair is really coarse (which is why it didn’t hold the color the last time I did it myself).

In other news…. I jumped on the scale today at the gym and I am DOWN a pound!! I am just on this side (the larger side) of 200. It was less than 201 though!! WOO HOO!! I guess I didn’t do as bad as I thought last week OR it will bite me next week. I had my session with the trainer. We did total body workout and I almost threw up!! I had to stop at one point for a few minutes because I became nauseated. That never happens, so I’m not sure why. I’m wondering if it was because I was low in my calories yesterday and didn’t get enough. I was going to eat a banana before I went today since I felt a little hungry, but I didn’t. Hmmm…. something to ponder.

AND in house news…. we will close either Wednesday (yes, tomorrow) or Friday. It was moved to Friday, but our mortgage guy (Jason Veritek’s (from the Red Sox) brother btw) called last night and said as long as the sellers were okay with moving it to tomorrow we could. We’ll know for sure today!! Exciting - but yet scary as well. At least I’ll know I’ll get some exercise this weekend since we’ll be pulling flooring out of the house. Anyone want to join us? Anyone? Bueler?

Oh, and getupnow…. my husband ate the enchiladas and he is not a bean person… but he IS an enchilada person. They do not taste “beany” so maybe you could get them past your husband

It’s just one of those days
Where ya don’t wanna wake up
Everything is f—-d, everybody sucks.
You don’t really know why
But you wanna justify rippin’ someone’s head off
No human contact
And if you interact your life is on contract
Your best bet is to stay away mother f—-r!
It’s just one of those days!
~~ Limp Bizkit “Break Stuff”

Hi.. can you tell I’m just a wee bit hormonal today? Plus the fact that my husband just totally annoyed the hell out of me last night and this morning (and I leave the house before he wakes up so consider that!!) The above lyrics pretty much sum up my feelings right now. I did not go to the gym this morning — I don’t care. I have consumed almost 500 calories already this morning. Well, if I would finish what is sitting in front of me I would, but I don’t think I will. But I’ll count the whole amount on my sparkpeople page anyway. I’ve already planned out my day on sparkpeople and I am actually still under calories, so it’s okay. Today will be a challenge. It’s when I am like this that I want to eat - and I mean EAT!! I am actually going to try to restrain myself though. If I can do it once, that means I can do it EVERY MONTH!!

On another note… did anyone watch Private Practice last night? I’m so glad that show is back on the air. If only the stupid VP debate wasn’t on tonight, I could get my Grey’s Anatomy fix and maybe everything would be okay.

I have major nerves about the house. I hate waiting for things. I always assume the worst so I don’t get my expectations to high. I really hope we hear something tomorrow morning. I don’t want to wait until 5pm tomorrow to find out if they accepted our offer or not. Check out my House Hunting Page to hear the latest.

I’ve been thinking alot about what thin looks like to me. Not physically… I know what it looks like. And sometimes I really don’t want to be “thin”. When I think “thin”, I think of the little stick girls that look like they would break in two if you gave them a squeeze. What I really want to be is “fit”. I don’t want to jiggle in the wrong places. I want to fit into a normal size pair of pants (although I guess 16 is close to norm) but you know what I mean. I would like to put on a tank top and not feel like my arms look as big as an elephant’s leg. So what does that look like? What sort of things do I need to be doing to obtain that? That’s the million dollar question, ladies, because I have no idea. Well, I know WHAT to do, but I have a hard time doing it and sticking with it. There are so many distractions and different ways people go about it, it’s hard to know. I’ve been reading other blogs, and although I’ve found inspiration in many, it’s hard to keep my motivation. I always have second thoughts… is what i’m doing working? I’m not seeing results so it must be wrong. What is that person doing? She’s losing weight.. I must need to do what she is doing. UGH!! My head spins sometimes.

For the past 6 years or so, I’ve been counting points off and on. Maybe that’s not for me. I even tried the core plan… I don’t think that’s for me either (although I love the food and it works better with the vegetarian diet I try to follow) because that is all about portion control and, well, as my header states, I have NO control over portions when left to my own devices. I’m wondering if I should start counting calories. I have a membership at Spark People (it’s free, and from what I’ve seen on it, I would recommend it to anyone) and I can track calories on there. Perhaps it’s time for a change in my weight loss plan… because right now, it’s not much of a weight “loss” plan as much as a “let me watch the scale move 2-3 lbs over or under this one number I can’t seem to get away from.”

Can I do this? Actually, I’m not sure. Sometimes I feel as if I should just give up. Let destiny take it’s course. I think about when I was bigger and I have to admit somethings were better. I didn’t have to watch what I ate. God honest truth… sex was better. Well, not better, but I was apt to do it more often. I have such body dismorphia now that it interferes with my sex life (TMI…sorry). My hair and skin looked better because I was eating what I wanted and obviously getting the right nutrients. But you know, I really don’t want to be that big again. At my highest point (and this is when I was 9 months pregnant with my son) I was at 260 and in a size 24. I don’t want to be there again.

I want to feel good about myself no matter what I look like! I think I need to come to terms with that and I’m really not sure how. Maybe it’s the clothes. Maybe if I went out and bought some nice clothes that fit me NOW (not the nice clothes I have hanging in my closet that I can’t get into) I would feel better about myself. I need a new haircut — well, a haircut period and a new color. All of that costs money though. Boo…. But how does one go about feeling good about themselves?

I am not. I am back in my funk. I thought this past weekend might shake me out of it, but although I had fun, I think the fact I was on the edge of irritation with the girls all weekend really didn’t help. Not to mention the fact I saw a picture that was taken with my camera and it totally depressed me. I immediately deleted it. I am trying to figure out what steps to take. — Okay, that’s stupid.. I know what steps to take, but I am sort of feeling overwhelmed with the whole thing. I need to find a way to get more gym time and if that means I have to get my ass up at the BUTT CRACK of dawn every morning and be at the gym by 5 so I can work out for an hour before work, then I may just have to do it. Hubby will have to suck it up and take both kids to school, which isn’t a big deal since the elementary school is a mile from us and he has to drive right by the daycare to get to his work. Then I can go at night as well when I have a training session. Going only at nights right now sort of stresses me out because we get home later and we really don’t eat all that healthy on those nights, which is so STUPID since we are coming from the gym.

Anyway, I’m still here…. still thinking… still wanting to get back on track but just can’t seem to find a way to do so. Help me hang in there, ladies!

Anyone ever see Monty Python? All this freaking spam in the comments is getting a little ridiculous!! I thought changing the rules on my comments would help but somehow it’s still getting through. I mean, there is a time and a place to learn about hand jobs and animal sex, but I don’t feel like a diet blog is one of them. Just sayin’….

I am slipping further into the dark place. I can tell. I was venting to my friend on the phone tonight and I was starting to feel the urge to cry. I’m not a crier. Well, I take that back. I HATE that I cry at the stupidest things. It tends to happen when I am overwhelmed. It happens sometimes at work. Anyway, I started to have that feeling. It didn’t happen but I can feel myself slipping into the darkness. This is not good. When I get to that place I stop caring. I don’t want to stop caring about this weight loss… Even if I’m not necessarily doing anything drastic to lose the weight right now, i don’t want to stop caring. Caring is what keeps me at least going to the gym. Caring keeps that voice in my head that says “You shouldn’t eat that.”

I can’t even really explain why I am in this place. I guess just all this thinking and restrospective. But I’m not going to stop. It needs to come out or I will just keep sabatoging myself. I was thinking back to my memory yesterday of my mom just totally squashing my excitement over being able to buy a normal size (18 - normal in my mind) pair of pants and I think some of the tendancy to sabatoge comes from that. Perhaps I feel I don’t deserve to be thin. All my life I have been the “big girl”, the “fat friend”, the “athletic girl”. I’ve never been the “pretty girl”. Sometimes I don’t even think I deserve to be married to my husband. I wonder if he really does find me attractive. He says he does and he tells me I am beautiful but I never believe him. He gets mad when I can’t accept it. I just don’t see myself that way. I can’t accept any compliment someone gives me. Not even a simple “thank you.” I just don’t believe what they are saying. When you’ve been labled other things your whole life, it’s hard to accept when someone tells you the exact opposite. I remember trying out for the cheerleading team in…hmm, I guess it was 9th grade. I went to a small private school and we were just starting a cheerleading program. Before you tease me for my cheerleading wannabe-ness, I have to say… I am NOT a girly girl and I should have KNOWN that I wouldn’t be chosen. I can’t even do aerobics correctly or gracefully and I was going to try out for cheerleading?! HA!! Anyway, all these beautiful SKINNY girls came to the tryouts. And then there was me. Me with my short hair and glasses…and probably braces. The basketball coach was one of the judges and she said that she didn’t want to lose me off the basketball team and that’s why I didn’t make it. Yeah right. I didn’t believe it then, I don’t believe it now. It was a small school. Everyone knew who tried out and who didn’t make it. And why.

I’m not sure where I was going with this. You were warned that these posts are not going to make much sense. Oh yeah, the dark place. My husband was wondering what is going on with me, but I don’t even think I can explain it to him. I want to becuase we’ve had communication problems in the past and I’ve been working on being more open but how does one explain something to someone when she can’t even explain it to herself?

I had some random thoughts today as I pondered this whole weight loss thing. I wanted to write them down so I could come back and revisit them later if needed. Not that I am going to rehash every single thing that happened during my childhood, but I think it’s good to remember where we came from so we can see the postive changes we have made.

I remember my grandparents calling me “chubby”

I remember in about 4th grade not wanting to wear a certain shirt b/c it made me look fat and my mom forcing me to wear it. I can still see the shirt. It was purplish and I can see the way it fit across my stomach (which in 4th grade couldn’t have been that bad) and I still hate it. I think I see it everytime I put on a shirt that fits a little too tight.

I remember when I started losing my weight (at 26 years old) being excited that I was able to buy a pair of pants from Old Navy (a normal store!) and my mom saying… well, they are cut larger sometimes. Thanks for the support, mom.

I remember shopping with friends and basically standing around looking at clothes I would never be able to fit into while they shopped. Never once going where I could fit into something. I felt a little left out. I didn’t know then about stores such as Lane Bryant (didn’t discover that until later) In fact I don’t even remember where I shopped for clothes in high school.

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In an unrelated note, I did go to the gym today. I didn’t want to go, but I went. It’s hard to get back into routine.