What does thin look like?
I’ve been thinking alot about what thin looks like to me. Not physically… I know what it looks like. And sometimes I really don’t want to be “thin”. When I think “thin”, I think of the little stick girls that look like they would break in two if you gave them a squeeze. What I really want to be is “fit”. I don’t want to jiggle in the wrong places. I want to fit into a normal size pair of pants (although I guess 16 is close to norm) but you know what I mean. I would like to put on a tank top and not feel like my arms look as big as an elephant’s leg. So what does that look like? What sort of things do I need to be doing to obtain that? That’s the million dollar question, ladies, because I have no idea. Well, I know WHAT to do, but I have a hard time doing it and sticking with it. There are so many distractions and different ways people go about it, it’s hard to know. I’ve been reading other blogs, and although I’ve found inspiration in many, it’s hard to keep my motivation. I always have second thoughts… is what i’m doing working? I’m not seeing results so it must be wrong. What is that person doing? She’s losing weight.. I must need to do what she is doing. UGH!! My head spins sometimes.
For the past 6 years or so, I’ve been counting points off and on. Maybe that’s not for me. I even tried the core plan… I don’t think that’s for me either (although I love the food and it works better with the vegetarian diet I try to follow) because that is all about portion control and, well, as my header states, I have NO control over portions when left to my own devices. I’m wondering if I should start counting calories. I have a membership at Spark People (it’s free, and from what I’ve seen on it, I would recommend it to anyone) and I can track calories on there. Perhaps it’s time for a change in my weight loss plan… because right now, it’s not much of a weight “loss” plan as much as a “let me watch the scale move 2-3 lbs over or under this one number I can’t seem to get away from.”
Can I do this? Actually, I’m not sure. Sometimes I feel as if I should just give up. Let destiny take it’s course. I think about when I was bigger and I have to admit somethings were better. I didn’t have to watch what I ate. God honest truth… sex was better. Well, not better, but I was apt to do it more often. I have such body dismorphia now that it interferes with my sex life (TMI…sorry). My hair and skin looked better because I was eating what I wanted and obviously getting the right nutrients. But you know, I really don’t want to be that big again. At my highest point (and this is when I was 9 months pregnant with my son) I was at 260 and in a size 24. I don’t want to be there again.
I want to feel good about myself no matter what I look like! I think I need to come to terms with that and I’m really not sure how. Maybe it’s the clothes. Maybe if I went out and bought some nice clothes that fit me NOW (not the nice clothes I have hanging in my closet that I can’t get into) I would feel better about myself. I need a new haircut — well, a haircut period and a new color. All of that costs money though. Boo…. But how does one go about feeling good about themselves?
getupnow said,
September 4, 2008 @ 9:00 am
I think we have similar ideas of how we would like to look. I would rather look like I could kick someone’s ass than like I would break if the wind blew too hard!
I think feeling good about yourself just comes from feeling like you are doing the right thing. You just have to figure out what your right thing is. Mine was easy, I HAD to take control of my health because the meds and health concerns were sucking the life out of me. But you don’t have that to deal with, so it is just a matter of finding the eating habits/exercise routine/size where you are most at peace with yourself.
bigprof said,
September 4, 2008 @ 9:23 am
Good question & I don’t have the answer. But I do think you need some clothes that fit you now…just a couple of fun & flirty shirts, maybe. I hate shopping at this size cause I have so many “if only” clothes in my closet (”if only I wore a size 10 again, I’d have something to wear to work today”). It seems like a waste of money to buy something that I’m hoping will look horribly big on me in a few months.
But I went through last winter/spring wearing the same 2 pair of pants and 4 t-shirt styled tops & I felt fat & I felt terrible about myself. Everyday the size 10’s would haunt me as I dressed in the same damn outfit, trying to remember: did I wear this one shirt two or three days ago, will anyone notice? SUCKS! Not surprising that I’d come home & overeat & hide inside until morning.
Anyway…sorry, but my only thoughts are that you should take care of the person you are now & buy her something pretty for working so hard these past 7 months. I don’t even like shopping myself, but I like what happened after I shopped this month & didn’t have to panic to find something to wear to school yesterday.
As for the cut & color…have you tried the local cosmetology college? I hit these up when I’m broke & need some maintenance cause they’re cheap, but everything the students do is supervised by their very expert teachers. A cut & color will probably cost less than you think & you’ll get to feel good about yourself for helping out these future miracle workers.
Hang in there girl…it’s a long hard slog, but we’re all in this together!
tylerdurden said,
September 4, 2008 @ 2:50 pm
I don’t have the answer either. It is very hard to change our attitudes about ourselves, isn’t it. I sometimes think I am expecting waaaay too much from myself and other times I think I am letting myself slack off and should have higher goals. And it is very, very easy to have “ugly days” where I feel like I am a toad. I read somewhere that it helps to focus outward instead of inward, as in: if I go volunteer and do things for other people I’ll be less likely to obsess about my own personal issues. I’m not sure if that is true or not, though I am making an effort to look outside of myself more often.
Sorry, I’m rambling and I have no really useful advice except to say: you aren’t alone. I think many of us are right there with you in having these feelings.
tylerdurden said,
September 4, 2008 @ 3:08 pm
By the way, about the kayaking: We have 4 kayaks (one is a double) because we often take people out. It can be really good exercise for your upper body and cardio if you do speed intervals, but usually we are going slow enough not to be out of breath. Still, depending on how long we go out for I may be sore the next day. We live a couple blocks from the launch used by the Space Coast Crew club, so we usually launch into the river. I’ve never been out kayaking and seen the bioluminesence (I’m sure I spelled that wrong) that sounds neat. We usually go during the day, though we occasionally take drinks and go for sunset. I’ll google it and see. Maybe we can hook up and kayak in a place we’ll be sure to see it!
delitaagain said,
September 4, 2008 @ 3:38 pm
Great question and well put. I’ve had some of those same thoughts - that things were so much simpler when I just ate what appealed to me. BUT. I have bumped up against a size 26 twice and at that weight I can’t *do* anything. I’m immobilized almost. My *life* becomes sitting around and eating. And I’m sure sickness would not be far behind.
I sooooo want a life. There is no desire to go back and be a teeny-bopper or even look like I did in my 30ies (good in a bikini). Now I just want to have a life, and oh by the way, what’s wrong with looking good while I’m at it?
You’ve reminded me how I got here (doing my diet-blog) and I think I may need to go blog on that! LOL
But it boils down to knowing that whatever I do to make myself look better (even at this weight) is worth while. I had quit wearing make-up, was wearing sagging cheap bras and pull-on everything and not fixing my hair. No more!
I wangled an actual dress out of my Mom’s birthday gift, and it took several hours, but I finally started feeling good about how I look in it. My goal is to put most of my energy into eating right and fitness, but I have more energy to do that and other things on the days when I get up, get dressed, and put on make-up.
And, it makes a difference to other people. I’m a senior-aged missionary, so I’m not trying to look *hot* but just feeling good about the way I dressed this morning, and, the lipstick I fixed after lunch gives me a sparkle that makes other people feel good too.
No more frump! That was my starting place. Of course, I’ve had a lot of starts and re-starts, and learned a lot about dieting and about myself. This time I’m determined to use what I’ve learned to get what I want. I’m not willing to live miserable (or let my life pass me by) any longer.
You are a joy to those of us you share with! Thanks for many great thoughts.
Delita
http://3fatchicks.com/diet-blogs/delitaagain/
tiny2b said,
September 4, 2008 @ 6:20 pm
One thing that always makes me feel good about myself: wearing cute shoes. Whether they’re tall boots or strappy sandals, whether I’m feeling fat or feeling fit, cute shoes make me walk a little taller.
Of course, I am extremely vain and shallow and easily distracted by shiny things. But, works for me.
feathers said,
September 4, 2008 @ 11:13 pm
Oh, I so know what you mean. I just want to *snap* those little skinny, whiny girls.
also know your feelings of frustration. You do sound so much like me. I’d try and try and try. I hated myself, and I hated food because I wanted it and I would eat it and then I’d be back to hating myself all over again. I even from time to time decided to just give up and let myself be fat and sassy but I didn’t want that, either.
I sometimes shave my hair right down. It does suit me and it’s like a haircut but for free, and get a box of colour from the chemist shop or supermarket and do it myself.
Have to say that after getting the gastric band I was almost in tears as I thought of the changes it will help me make, and that it is probably the kindest thing I have ever done for myself.