Confessions of a Bulk Eater

Why are the last 30-45 minutes of work always the hardest?  I feel like I am about to jump out of my skin today.  I feel hungry, but I KNOW that it’s not real hunger.  I just want to put something in my mouth and eat.  I found a piece of gum… it is starting to help.  The Mint Crisp M&M’s I have hanging on my cube wall are calling to me though.   Usually I do not buy candy and just post it up on the wall like a picture, but this is a very special package of M&M’s.    INDIANA JONES is on the package!!  I mean, what girl can pass that up? I bought the package last weekend and hung them up on my cubicle wall, just for something nice to look at during the day.   It is the witching hour at work though and they are calling my name.  I hear them!!!!      My picture would be defiled though if I opened it.  It wouldn’t quite be the same.  So I am resisting….barely.    Thankfully the gum seems to be alleviating my mouth hunger and I only have 7 more minutes left before I can go home.  I have been SO good the today and yesterday…. don’t want to break it now.  I am getting the feeling though that I don’t want to cook (yet another side effect of this damn funk I’m in) and that is always dangerous.   MUST. COOK. TONIGHT.

I am on the edge.  I can tell.  I am better today than I was last week, but I am not in a normal place.  I have so many things going on in my head and it is dragging me down.  My husband hit it on the head yesterday when he said it is starting to affect our relationship.  He’s right.  I’m at the point I just want to be alone.  If I were single, I would probably come home from work everynight and put my head under the covers.   Sometimes I wish I could do that.

 What’s going on in my life?   1. My dad had surgery to remove his prostate a week ago.  My dad lives 3000 miles away in CA.  I am an only child and my dad was my life growing up.  Yes, I am a daddy’s girl.  The surgery went fine, but the there was more cancer than they originally suspected so they have to wait a month to do blood work to see if it had spread.     2.  Work - I work in the construction business.  I live in Central Florida.  If you haven’t been following the news, the home building business is in a downturn right now.  Since summer of last year, we have gone through 3 rounds of layoffs in my company.  I’ve survived everyone of them.  Although I don’t worry too much about this, you never know what’s going to happen.  It’s just always in the back of my mind.  There is nothing I will be able to do to stop it if it happens, but it is there in my head.    3.  The third thing and most destructive is the fact that I hate myself right now.  I hate the way I look, I hate the fact that I can’t lose weight, I hate my hair, I hate my glasses (or contacts  - whatever I tend to be wearing at the time).  I can’t even stand to look at myself in the mirror.  None of my clothes fit right.  I feel that I am hideous - elephant man hideous.  I would love to put a bag over my head and walk around like that.   This is why my mental state is starting to cause problems in my relationship.  I don’t want anyone to get close - I feel that I don’t deserve it.   Why wouold anyone want me?  I don’t even want me.

No matter what I do to lose weight, it doesn’t work.  I have no willpower.  Not sure why.  I WANT to lose weight.  But then when something comes up to thwart the effort, I give in every time.   I’m trying something new right now.  The Eat to Live diet by Dr. Joel Furhman.  Will it work?  Who knows.  I read the book and it seems like a good thing.  Not just on a weight loss side, but also just a health side.  I don’t know if I have the willpower for it though.  For instance, I did really well until I was making lunches for my kids. I stuffed a handful of Cheez-its in my mouth.  Why?  Why do I do that?  I somehow need to get into my head and figure out all this crap.   Something’s gotta give or I am going to end up in a padded room.

I am really starting to get discouraged.  What the hell is my problem?  Why do I have such a problem with willpower?  The harder I try, the worse I fail. 

What is my problem?  I do really well one day….maybe two days and then BAM!!   Something happens to derail my effort.  I’m not looking to pass blame, I’m just telling it like it is.   I know that I could choose something better than what I normally do, but stress causes me to lose all sense of self-control.

I started again today.   That’s all I can do is pick up my pieces and start over again each time I fail. 

Today was a pretty good day.  I exercised.  Although I ate dinner first because I was SO hungry.  Then I felt like I was going to puke while I was doing it, but I kept going.  I ate well too.  I was afraid that I was going to have to eat out b/c this morning my son said he wanted to go to Tijana Flats (which is my favorite favorite restaurant) but then he decided he wanted cereal when we got home.  Worked for me.

Breakfast: low fat whole grain waffle, 1 serving PB2, 1/2 banana

Lunch: salad with lettuce, tomato, red pepper, edamame, black beans, corn, fat free Ranch dressing

Dinner: 2 fat free tortilla, bean bake (from last night), salsa, sour cream

So I’m doing okay.   I am hungry right now though.  I don’t think I’m “really” hungry.  I think I just want to eat.  I’m bored so I want to eat.  Thankfully there isn’t any snacks in my house to eat.  Although I want to tear into my son’s Golden Grahams.  I’m resisting though.

Okay, last week, well….   frankly, it sucked balls.  With a thousand things going on last week, dieting was the last thing on my mind.   SO, I started over today.   And it was a good day!  My husband is out of town so it’s just me and the kiddos.  THat makes food easy because I don’t have to plan anything too extravagant.  The kids are happy with mac and cheese (yes, I know that isn’t too healthy, but they are young enough to burn it off in about a minute).

Breakfast:  Peanut Butter and Banana Waffle (lowfat whole grain waffle, 1/2 banana, 1 TBSP PB)

Lunch: salad with lettuce, spinach, cucumbers, tomatoes, edamame, fat free Ceaser Italian dressing

Supper: bean bake (black beans, pinto beans, chickpeas, green chilies, tomato sauce, peppers, onions); red potatoes

 I even exercised today.  YAY!!!  I hope I can keep this up more than one week. 

I would just like to say for the record that this week did not happen.  I will be erasing it from my memory come tomorrow night.  It was horrible and bad and I do not want to acknowledge it.

 I will say though that I am a size smaller in jeans finally!!  I am finally back in my 16s!!  I have a few that are still a little tight (the ones cut weird) but I am back in my 16’s!  WOO HOO!!

Why is it after a good week, there are always setbacks. Okay, let’s be honest. My week was having a slow downward spiral over the weekend, but I was still exercising!!! Yesterday was not as good. For one, it was a fat day. We all know those days. No matter how many pounds we lose, there are days when we feel horridly fat. Then I get the feeling that I am probably just meant to be fat. No matter what I do, I will always be fat. Strike 1.

My mom called me yesterday morning and told me that they had taken my grandfather to the hospital Sunday night (um, hello, why are you calling me the day after) and they think he had a mini-stroke… BUT, he was doing fine now. Responsive, lucid, able to move etc… Now I’m worrying about my grandfather. A co-worker wanted to go get Thai, and since my response to stress is eat, I went along with him. The funny thing was, I wasn’t feeling hungry, but I ate anyway. Why? And why is it that when I’m not feeling hungry, do I tend to eat more? I actually had to think about it. I think it is a subconscience thing going on. I’m not feeling hungry, but I’m eating, so I am going to eat to feel full.. or satisfied. Something is empty (besides my stomach) and needs to be filled. I really have to stop that way of thinking… but it got me yesterday. I didn’t eat all my Pad Thai, but I ate enough.. too much to be exact. Strike 2.

So I went home last night and made dinner. I was going to go to the hospital when my husband got home so he could watch the kids. He wanted to go along with me, so we took the kids to a friend’s house. He wanted to stop and get Chick-fil-A on the way. I wasn’t feeling hungry (because I had eaten a tortilla with some refried beans at home) so I didn’t get anything. But I did eat a few fries. We visited with my grandfather and then I wanted to get somethign on the way home because by that time I was hungry. I resisted Tijuana Flats and instead pulled into Whole Foods to check out their hot bar and deli. Good choice! I got some brown rice and some Chickpea Maasala. I also picked up some garlic hummus and whole wheat pitas. I ate on the way home. I didn’t over do it, but I ate enough. Foul Ball.

I really wanted to exercise when I got home. I had FULL intentions on doing it. Did it happen? No. Swing and a miss…. strike 3. Out.

Setbacks… many of them were mental. Those voices that go along with us when we’ve been doing this long enough. “You’ll always be fat.” “You may have lost a few pounds, but you’ll never make goal.” “It’s only 9am and you’ve already screwed up, you might as well eat whatever you want.” What does it take to get rid of the voices? Anyone know?

I’m not even going to attempt to figure out what I ate. Oh I know exactly what I ate, but the only thing I know point values for is breakfast.