It wasn’t easy, though. Tonight was one of those times when my appetite yawned like a black hole: infinite, insatiable. But just thinking about it in those terms made me realize that continuing to eat wouldn’t do a thing to assuage the empty. I am so glad and thankful for that realization!!
A theme has been surfacing in my life the past few months, possibly made more acute lately now that I’m reading the book Choke. Been thinking a lot about exes. First it was because of the awkward and uncomfortable interactions I had with the wife of someone I used to date. Then it was my unsuccessful attempt to persuade that same ex to vote no on Proposition 8. Then it was seeing a photo of my former husband on Facebook, holding his baby, looking well and happy.
All of these occurrences, in different ways, made me feel uneasy about myself. How I feel about the person I have become (because, of course, I define that by my weight.) Nowadays, I just automatically assume people are pitying me or rejecting me. My self-esteem is wrapped up in memories of being attractive, thin and sexually powerful in the past — and contrasted with how UNpowerful I feel right now.
But slowly, with my focus flowing back to One Day at a Time, it’s amazing how freeing it can be to say, Just For Today.
Posted on December 3rd, 2008 by emmyphee
Filed under: abstinence, celebrations, frustrations, vanity | No Comments »
i am vain enough to admit that my passport photo looks like utter hell. it just arrived in the mail today, which — while cool in that the turnaround time was so short — was NOT cool in reminding me of how un-photogenic i’ve become.
BUT. <— that was a big but.
i am going on a kickass trip in 3 weeks and one day!!!! which is awesome. but is also a bit scary, because it’s sooooo not the ideal time to go. i’m a contractor these days and don’t get paid holidays, one of the several reasons why taking two and a half weeks off work isn’t great.
but still. i do acknowledge that i am extremely fortunate to have the opportunity to travel right now, when the world financial system is uh… kinda melting down this very second. sigh.
oh and for the curious, a quick itinerary:
- UK: London, Isle of Wight and Stroud
- Amsterdam
- Paris
Posted on December 2nd, 2008 by emmyphee
Filed under: frustrations, vanity | No Comments »
…today makes!
last night my posts were full of frustration and worry. but i woke up early today, knowing that getting a jump on work would make me feel better about it. i was right. much to my delight, i powered through the day ABSTINENTLY 
ok, now confession time: I haven’t been to an OA meeting in almost 2 years (haven’t been to many at all, really), but i have read the Big Book, and did live with my mom for the 3 or so years she was in recovery. still have much to learn.
but anyway… wow! i got through today. and as tony said in a comment “24 hours is the longest any of us are abstinent.”
what’s great, too, is that i feel really good right now from the wonderful dinner i made:
- juiced a beet, apple, celery stalks, parsley, ginger & a radish (weird-sounding, i know, but it was tasty!)
- made a quick soup of vegetable broth, baby bok choy, onion, parsley, celery and rice noodles
Not only did I use what I had on hand in the fridge, it was all so healthy and tasted really awesome too.
i’ve been using WW online to track points, which has kept me infinitely more honest than i am when i’m not tracking. i had a 25.5 point day (on a daily target of 25), AND checked off my vegies and healthy oils (thanks to a tablespoonful of Cod Liver Oil) and drank more water than usual. AND put my healthy breakfast fixings out for tomorrow so i remember to do them.
oh and as a final bit of great news, i’m back in onederland today. funny cause last night i read someone’s quote, “People go to OA for the vanity, but stay for the sanity.” LOVE that. and happy to report that today’s reason for being abstinent was the sanity, not the vanity.
Posted on December 2nd, 2008 by emmyphee
Filed under: abstinence, celebrations, sanity | No Comments »
i didn’t overeat tonight, nor did i make the pumpkin cake.
Posted on December 1st, 2008 by emmyphee
Filed under: celebrations | 1 Comment »
worried about
- my dad’s health
- my job security
- the economy
- paying for property taxes
- the vacation we’re going on, at a time when money’s tight for me
- why i’m so tired
frustrated about
- forgetting things at work
- falling behind at work
- having PMS
- not going to the OA meeting tonight (giving in to fears and laziness)
Posted on December 1st, 2008 by emmyphee
Filed under: fears, frustrations | No Comments »
and I’m afraid to go because…
- it’s at a community church and i assume everyone will be “church-y” and annoying!
- i’m hungry right now and don’t know whether to eat first (plus, I really want to make pumpkin cake instead)
- i worry that my boyfriend won’t understand
- i love cooking and don’t want to give that up
Posted on December 1st, 2008 by emmyphee
Filed under: fears, meetings | No Comments »