Saturday morning. DH still (thankfully) sleeping. Me? I have a rotten cold. Maybe flu, I dunno. I’ve been living on Nyquil and Dayquil for the past few days, and just managing to function without caving. It snowed here again yesterday - all freaking day - and we got close to a foot of new snow after the rain a few days back had most of it washed away. Depressing. Tiresome. There’s nobody to blame, nobody to rant at. DH is, quite unintentionally, getting on my last nerve and that’s the truth. I am feeling like I have no personal space whatsoever. He’s home here all day, every day, with the exception, of course, of running errands - going out to mail bill payments off, running over to Home Depot to pick up something he needs for one of his projects around the house -whatever, but sure enough, when I get home from work, he’s right there, and there he stays. Last night we were out at the kitchen table; he was working on one of his art projects, and I was reading aloud from a book that we’ve both actually read before, but it’s so good that we go back to it every couple of years. I was getting really hoarse - this cold, or whatever it is seems to be in my chest and throat. So, I said I couldn’t read aloud anymore. He said he was about done with what he was doing, so he guessed it was about time for bed. It was 9:00. I actually wanted to read some more - to myself - and wasn’t ready to go to bed yet. So he just sat there. And I said, “Are you going to get ready for bed?” And he said, “Well, I’m not going until you go. I don’t want you sitting up here all night. You’re sick. You need to get some sleep.” For some reason, that infuriated me. I don’t want to be told to go to bed! See? I mean, I know he was only thinking about my health and all, but I just felt crowded and pushed, and tired of everything - the snow, him, having a cold, being cold, so on and so forth, ad infinitum. So I told him rather sharply that he should just GO TO BED and that I’d be along when I was ready. And he did, feeling a little rejected, but I couldn’t help it. Really. I should’ve gone ahead and taken a vacay week and zipped over to see my son in L.A. That’s what I SHOULD have done. I did look on Orbitz and could’ve gotten a flight for @ $400. Not great. I’ve gotten much better fares than that before, and that was when I HAD plenty of disposable income. Now we really should be watching what we spend, but it’s amazing how much easier it is without that huge mortgage payment - even with DH’s income effectively reduced by half. But he can only collect unemployment for six months, and then he’ll need some source of income. He’s somewhat half-heartedly looking for jobs, but without any real enthusiasm. And I don’t mind that - I mean in all honesty, if I could collect half my salary and not work for a while, I’d love it. So, I don’t begrudge him that at all. It’s just my feelings of never having a minute to myself. But beyond that, I also don’t feel that I can just take an unneccessary trip, not knowing what expenses may arise or what our income base may look like by summer. I think we’re both operating on the premise that he’ll have buckled down and found work by then, but what if he doesn’t? Ahhhh. What if the sun doesn’t rise tomorrow? No use worrying over things, after all. They do always work themselves out, one way or another. I suppose, though, that it’s all of this together - his being out of work, the ugly weather, my having a cold - and the overarching “what will happen if…..?” that has me so irritable and feeling brittle and snappy with everything and everybody. My daughter (who is next door to us now, of course) drove out of the driveway last night when there was still snow coming down, and I found myself thinking, “Now where could SHE be going in this weather?” (Underlying thought of course was…without telling me?”) Can you imagine? Well, I nipped those thoughts right in the bud because even I recognized how inappropriate I was being, but there you have it: the nosy old lady keeping track of what everybody’s doing. Looking outside this morning, I saw that my son-in-law had already blown the snow out of the driveways, cleaned the sidewalk and up the walks to the house. And, I was thinking, “When could he have done THAT?” Or, in other words, “How did I MISS him doing that?”

My HAIR is atrocious lately. I need it trimmed and shaped. It’s getting rather long, which my mother would have heartily disapproved of. She told me when I was 30 that it was time to cut my (very long - waist-length) hair and behave like a responsible adult (and mother)- not some hippie…and when I was 30, I listened to her and cut it. Now I don’t think I should have to cut it just because I’m getting old. I’d like to wear it in a LONG gray braid down my back like an Indian woman. Oh, and please don’t think I’m being insensitive to native Americans by calling them “Indians” - I AM referring to them and not people who are natives of India. But I know several whose drumming circles I’ve sat in on from time to time, and they have indicated to me that they find “Native American” rather OVERLY sensitive to the point of silliness. They call themselves Indians, and so that’s what I call them. But, back to the hair. I always regretted having cut it back then, and have always felt self-conscious about letting it get too long for fear of looking “trashy” or “low class” which are my good ole’ mum’s terms, not my own, I assure you. But now I’ve finally reached, it seems, the “I don’t give a poop” stage, because I’ve been letting it grow and feel perfectly fine about the whole thing. I’m not as gray as I’d like, but I’m sure that’s just a matter of time, after all. I DO need a trim and shape-up, though, so I need to make an appointment.

Our street looks pretty nasty. I was planning to do my usual grocery run a couple of towns northwest of us where I get the best buys, but they got even more snow than we did, and it’s not an emergency, after all. We have enough food, I have enough cold medicine, there’s plenty of cat food, etc., etc. So, I guess I won’t be going out anytime soon. Maybe later this afternoon I’ll run a few errands if it warms up any - and the street starts looking a little more navigable. I think getting out just for a bit would be good for my mental health, actually. The only *space* I have these days is in my car, and in my office when I close the door. Oh, poor me. Just full of complaints today, aren’t I?

Well, my SIS is doing well, which is certainly a good thing, and we talked just the other day about maybe me and my girls going down to N.C. and her daughter coming from Ohio and having a regular “women’s week” together. I know I could use that for sure.

Well, here’s to better days ahead. Oh - on the diet front? Not too bad. I’ve discovered some frozen panini sandwich thingies - I think they’re Lean Cuisine, but don’t remember for sure - and they’re @ 350 or so calories; probably not all that great, but they taste pretty good, don’t “break the budget” calorie-wise or money-wise, and they make a nice change from those danged Boca burgers that I bring most days for lunch. I’ve been making them (the Boca burgers) with a slice of (pretend) cheese (soy-based, only 25 calories a slice) and a few green & red pepper strips (I buy them frozen in a bag and only take out what I need for each sandwich. They last forever) and put everything on a piece of lavash bread and put it all in the toaster oven at work. Tastes pretty good, and it has very few calories, but I’ve had it so much now that I’m getting bored with it. Anyway, the panini sandwiches are a nice occasional change. Filling, too. For brekkie, I have two Fiber One bars, usually, and an orange. I have a pear for dessert for lunch. They’ve been plentiful this winter for some reason, but I sure am hoping that we have another good cherry season this summer. Those were scrumptious for a couple of months or so last year!  Supper is a piece of meat of some kind, broiled, usually, or baked - a white or sweet potato (also baked) and a heap of some kind of vegetable - spinach or green beans or limas or zuchinni or some such. And, topped off - only if I’ve kept my calories where I’m supposed to - with a chocolate Weight Watcher’s ice cream sandwich. DH & I are BOTH addicted to those!

Somebody’s outside snow blowing nearby. Good grief! I’ll be glad when we don’t have to hear THAT anymore! (Then it’ll be lawn mowers, so what’s the difference, right? Man’s attempts to control and manage his environment).

Oh! Look at this! This is where I grew up! Aren’t they wonderful? Be sure to watch the video if you can!

http://www.telegram.com/article/20080222/NEWS/802220604

Have a happy weekend!

Z