Mercury is in retrograde. That’s right. No, I’m no astrologer, not even astrologically inclined, but one of my thread-mates recently explained away the overall lack of enthusiasm on our “old gals” thread as being attributed to Mercury’s current position. Or, maybe this is just the way of internet groups – they come together enthusiastically in the interests of a common cause (in this case, getting rid of excess faaaaat) and then, one by one, they drop out, drop off, and lose heart.

I just can’t allow myself to lose heart. Not again. I’m just SO sick of yo-yo-ing up and down, and remaining “up” just doesn’t work for me. It really doesn’t. And lately, with eighteen pounds still left to lose, I’ve found my motivation slipping, and found myself falling back into that “what does it matter?” mode. Luckily, I’ve managed not to gain any weight over the past month, but neither do I see any loss – oh, okay. Four-tenths of a pound. How’s that for outrageous success???!!!! Should I race over and post my “after” pictures in the “Success Stories” thread? <she drawls, voice dripping with sarcasm>.

Two weeks – well, actually twelve days to D-Day – Departure Day, that is. Wouldn’t it be awesome if I were five pounds lighter when it came time to get on that flight to
L.A.? Well, sure. But let’s face it – based on what I’ve been told, every woman in L.A. under the age of 110 works out daily, has abs (and buns) of steel, and has her face lifted so high that the dimple on their chin is actually their belly button. And that being the case, what earthly difference will it make if I go out there weighing 163 as opposed to 168? Besides, I’m going to visit my SON – not to try out for a movie role!

But, nevertheless, I can’t let that kind of thinking lead me down the garden path – or in my case, can’t let it lead me too many times to the refrigerator or cupboard – and end up going out to L.A. five pounds heavier than I am, now, either. Life is such a struggle <groan>. Have I mentioned that my JOB is irritating me, too? Jeeze, Anngirl – creating service plans – good ones, I mean – for dysfunctional families seems so much more productive and useful that writing a bunch of crapola that isn’t even valid, to be perfectly candid. I remember feeling that I had really accomplished something worthwhile when a single mom got on her feet – stopped using, went to counseling consistently, got some job training, actually got a decent job, and we could move her kids out of foster care and back home again. I can, unfortunately, also remember feeling overwhelmingly frustrated when I finally manage to get one case closed, and they assigned me another one just like it, only starting over again at the very beginning. But I feel frustrated with what I’m doing now, so what’s the deal? Maybe life – and especially jobs – is just frustrating in general? Yeah. Breathe deeply, repeat your mantra….blah, blah, blah. Actually I’m better at self-hypnosis than I am at meditation. All that emptiness gets weird on me sometimes.

Actually, my life NOW is fairly settled and more than reasonably happy and peaceful. Mostly. A lot of the time. But, having lived through all the years I’ve lived through, I really DO feel entitled to a little contentment. Not enough to be dull, but enough so that I’m not all the time tense and brittle, you know?

Somebody – on one of these blogs; I forget which one – recently announced that she’d lost 255 (around there, anyway) ugly pounds. Not through diet, as it turns out, but because her husband left her. Yeah. I lost just about the same amount of weight about ten years ago when I THREW my cheating ex out. Best thing I ever did, too. And I used to make that same little joke. I told it to someone once, and they looked at me, aghast. “I never knew you had gotten that heavy!” “Ha Ha. I didn’t. I divorced Richard.” More aghast. Oh, another story, another time. Mercury is too far into retrograde to talk about it now.

I just had an Asian pear. Those are GOOD!

Remember – this retrograde business does actually have a negative affect on relationships and communication (Or so it is said, and sworn to by many) so if things are a little touchy right now, it’s reasonable to expect that they will improve sometime in the future. Now, how FAR into the future I can’t say. I can only hope that Mercury moves relatively quickly, as the name suggests – the winged heels, and all.

Who WAS that masked man?

Ciao, and happy trails –

Z