oh baby baby

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Thanks so much you guys! I so love your encouragement and congrats!

So, I spilled the beans to J. I had a tough time. I wanted to do it in some cute way. But I ended up just kind of blurting it out while Sis and a friend were playing in the living room. I just told him I have something to tell him. His face was already like… oh crap. Then, I asked him he remembered when I said I was late. I told him I took two pregnancy tests and they were both positive. He got this big smile. That sort of surprised me. He was still kind of like HOLY CRAP. But he thought it was pretty cool. But he hasn’t said anything about it since. I think maybe it’s just not quite real to him yet. It was the same way with Sis. When I started showing it changed though.

I don’t think we should tell Sis until after my first doctors appointment. It’s killing me not telling her though. I think the little stinker has some sort of “ability” though. She’s done this before. She’ll be pretending that something happened, then it happens for real. So, all day yesterday, she pretended that she was a big sister and she kept handing me things like her old baby blankets and bibs that she uses for her dolls and saying “This is for the baby”. I said ”what?” She whispered “Mommy, we’re pretending we have a baby.” Is that crazy or what? I know she hasn’t heard J and I talking about it because we haven’t even talked about it. I think it might be a good idea to wait until I’m in my second trimester to tell her. I would hate to see that little heart broken if something happened. And I don’t think we should tell the rest of the family until after we tell Sis and let her help us tell everyone. I thought about a project we could do with a tshirt. Maybe write  “Big Sister October 2008″ on it and go to the folks house and see how long it takes them to figure it out.

Ya know, it’s been 5 years since we had Sis and we still have everything. We still have the crib, play pen, basinet, sheets and blankets, bouncy seats, high chair. I still have the breast pump and bottles. I’m pretty sure we still have most of Sis’ baby clothes. Alot of them are for either a boy or a girl. We didn’t have an ultrasound with Sis so we didn’t know she was a girl until she was born. People bought a lot of stuff before she was born. So, really, all we need… is diapers.

Here’s how I’m looking at it. I will find a full time job until I have the baby. But then, I think I should only work part time. That way, we’ll save on daycare. Which will be about $700 a month with the baby and Sis’ before and afterschool day care. If I’m at home, I can breast feed longer which will save on formula. And I’ll use cloth diapers. That would all ad up to almost what I would bring home a month. I might bring home maybe $200 a month after all of that. I can make $200 a month working on days J can be home with the kids. Or when my mom or mother in law can watch them.

Anyway, a lot to think about. I’m just really excited!

so…

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… my boobs hurt, I’m nauseous, tired and 2 weeks late. So, I went to the store and got a two pack pregnancy test this morning. It was positive. IT WAS POSITIVE! I’m gonna have a baby!!!

Of coarse I haven’t told J yet. He’s at work and I don’t want to freak him out at work. I don’t know how or when I’m going to tell him. When I was ten days late, I told him I was late. He asked how late are you. I told him 10 days. He said “Well, that’s no big deal is it?” HUH!?! He asked “How do you know you’re late? Do you mark it on a calendar or something?” Yes I do. The whole time he had this voice… and kind of acted like I was overreacting or something. Then, he moved from the couch where we were sitting together to the floor and didn’t talk to me the rest of the night. As a matter of fact, unless he was on a rant about politics, he hasn’t talked to me at all since then. And he’s been acting like he’s all pissed off. So, I don’t know how it’s going to go when I tell him.

I’m happy about it though. And I know it will take him some time but he’ll come around. With Sis I didn’t even have to tell him I was pregnant. I got caught in the act. He came home unexpected from work while I was in the bathroom waiting for the result. As soon as it came up positive he knocked on the bathroom door. He said “what are ya doing?” I said “hidin’ something” He said”what are you hidin’” I said  “A pregnancy test” He said “and…” I said “It’s positive.” Then, I busted into tears.

Anyway, Sis will be happy. She’ll be such a good big sister.

happy valentine’s day!

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My little girl is the sweetest thing on two feet! There’s no particular reason I’m saying that. She just is so sweet!
So, the last two days she picked out her own clothes and gotten dressed all by herself. The other day I went in there, she was all dressed in a cute little outfit she put together herself and standing in front of her mirror putting lip gloss on and putting her headband in her hair. So grown up. She went to Grandma’s today so she could give Grandma, Grandpa (who will stop by Grandma’s house) and the lady who lives across the street the valentines she made them yesterday. She said “Mama why can’t you just come with me.” What a sweetheart.

So, I’m back on my “happy pills”. The first couple of days, I always feel pretty jittery. Yesterday, I had the entire house clean, including mopping the floor, wiping down walls, scrubbing the bathroom and all that by 10am. That’s not something you see everyday. I didn’t get frustrated once. It was a good day. Then, the folks came over for dinner. Sis didn’t want to go to the store because she was so busy playing. So, instead of the alfredo, I popped some chicken breasts into the crockpot, made some perogies with tomato basil sauce and fixed up a nice salad bar. It was pretty good. Of course, Mom wouldn’t be Mom if she didn’t bring a chocolate cake, blueberry muffins and chocolate chip cookies. But I’m not even tempted. I ate til satisfied last night and had one piece of chocolate cake that I didn’t even finish.

It’s kind of a weird feeling at first, taking this medicine. I kinda feel like I’ve had a couple of those diet pills with a red bull or something. As long as I’m moving around, it doesn’t bother me too much. And it will fade in a couple of days. But I am more mellow. I don’t worry to death about everything, I just kinda do what I have to do. And the negative self talk is so much less.

Well, it looks like Sis and J will have insurance. We can get insurance for Sis thru a program here in Iowa. It’s thru Wellmark and our income is just low enough that she qualifies. J will get his through work. Family insurance through his job isn’t something we can afford at all. I mean, if he got that we would be in the hole about $300 every month. So, basically, no groceries or heat or electricity. So, he’s just gonna get his insurance. We’ll get that insurance for Sis and I’ll keep going to the clinic. To be honest with you, I like going there anyway. Everyone is so much nicer than any other doctor I’ve been to.

Happy Valentine’s Day, everyone! Hope you all have a great day!

the bus

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So, I did it. Finally, I got on that bus. I went to the clinic and I got the damn medicine. Whew… now, I’m good. It was no big deal, as we all knew. But once I got on there asked the guy where to put the money and sat down I felt much better. As I sat there, I watched as people pushed the little button and got off. And I watched as folks put in their little monthly pass card thingy and waited for it to pop out. Got down to the ground transportation center and walked over to the library as I waited for the bus to the clinic…. I could have walked faster but I thought I would check out a book to read. So, got to the clinic, talked to the doc, got my drugs. Walked to the hospital for blood tests, walked to the gtc and got on the bus to back home. I know this sounds strange… but I actually liked the bus. I read 2 chapters of my book and relaxed. That is, instead of trying to drive around in this snow and ice with people who act like they’ve never driven in snow and ice before. So, there you go. I did something that scared me this week.

So, I checked out a book called “Life is Hard. Food is Easy.” It’s a 5 step plan to overcome emotional eating. So far so good. It makes a lot of sense. Of course, everytime she mentions chocolate or pizza or hamburgers, I get a craving. Anyway, it might be helpful.

The folks are coming over for dinner tomorrow  night. It’s the first time we’ve had anyone over for dinner for… I don’t know… a couple of years? Now, that I think the cats will behave and stay off the table while we eat, I’m comfortable with my folks coming over. I’m pretty excited about it. So is Sis. I don’t know what to make though. Whatever I make I’ll have to make something seperate for J. I’m thinking about pasta alfredo with chicken, brocoli and garlic bread. That sounds good. Sis will eat it… without the chicken. It’ll be nice to have company. We should get the cards out.

So, pms wins again. I haven’t worked out or ran and my eating is horrible. Damn hormones!!! Hopefully, it will get better with the drugs. It did last time.

Anyhoo, better get a move on… the house won’t clean it’s self, will it?

tired

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So, it was a fun weekend. J actually left the house. We went to the library for a valentine’s day party. They had the cutest puppet show and games and crafts and refreshments. It was really fun. Sis had a blast. We decided against the sledding since it was so stinkin’ cold and windy. Sis didn’t even want to go. But we stocked up on videos and books from the library.

I got a Tai Chi video from the library. I can see me diggin’ that. I was interrupted by the awakenings of the fam but I did some of it and it felt great. Tomorrow, I’ll go through the whole thing when I can be alone. I didn’t go running or work out this weekend and I pretty much went on a 3 day binge. It’s so frustrating… to want something so bad and not be able to muster up the strength to do anything about it. Seems to be the story of my life. I’m tired of feeling like I can’t do anything.

does she really need to grow up

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Ruby- thanks for the prayers and encouraging words. I love to shovel. Most people look at me like I’m nuts when I say that. But I find it… therapeutic.

So, guess how much I weigh… you guessed it- one frickin’ seventy two. Hey, I didn’t gain anything. I should be happy about that with the way I’ve been piggin’ out.

So, I just talked to the school Sis will go to. We have a parent orientation this month on the 21st. Oh, my gosh! I can barely stand it! Can’t she just stay little and happy and cute and all wanting to snuggle with me and play barbies with me and never grow up and want to be with her friends and never hide out in her room or tell me she doesn’t want me to go or go to college… can’t she just stay 5 years old. I know. I know… I have time still… I just can’t believe how fast it all goes by. People tell ya… but you just don’t know until you go through it.

J was late coming home last night. So, Sis and I went out and played in the snow. She loves it when I put it in her sled and walk around the streets with her. Then, we had a snowball fight. Then, she climbed to the top of the snow piles and jumped into my arms. We were out ther for 2 hours. Then, we ordered a pizza when J got home and the little stinker fell asleep with a breadstick in her hand. Bless her little heart! We’re hoping to get me some boots this weekend and go sledding down this HUGE hill I used to go sledding down when we were kids. The thing is monsterous! Going back up is a workout, I’ll tell you what! But oh so fun. At the bottom of the hill they have a little shed thing with a woodburning stove in it so folks can go in and warm up. It’s fantastic! Looking so forward to it! Hopefully, J doesn’t poop out on us! Sis is getting a little spring fever though… she misses the flowers. :) Cutie.

Anyway, I’ve been out of medicine for awhile now and I really feel it. I could go down to the free clinic and get it but I no longer have a drivers license (LONG story) until I come up with $1500. Hopefully with tax money… Anyway, beings I have this whole social anxiety thing, I’m having a serious problem with getting on a city bus. They don’t have city busses out in the boonies ya know. I’ve never been on a city bus. So, I’m all freakin’ out over nothing and can’t seem to bring myself to get on the damn bus! I told J that if I had the medicine- it wouldn’t be such a big deal. :) But in order for me to get the medicine I gotta get on the damn bus! Maybe I’ll ask someone to go with me the first time… but who? Maybe I could get J and Sis to hop on there with me tomorrow. If I could just get that first time out of the way, I think I’d be okay. I hate being like this. I hate getting so nervous about everything that it causes me to not be able to do things I want or need to do.

Anyway, I’m gonna go thru my clothes and get rid of any fat summer clothes. Anything that’s my size now and maybe the next size down. I WILL NOT be wearing that size this summer.

I’ve taken the last couple of days off of running. I need to get back on track. I’ll go out today and hopefully not fall on my bum.

now THAT is some snow!

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I went out at 2:45 and started shoveling… I just got back in about 10 mins ago. So, yes, I am counting it as my exercise today.

LOVE IT! Darn near 12 inches of snow… THAT’S what I’m talking about! That’s what I was looking for.

Had a late night binge last night. Back on the wagon today… nothing like good hard manual labor to get your mind off of eating!

3 days!

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I’m going to take it kind of easy today, I think. I think I pulled a muscle in my rear. So, I’m just gonna let it be for today. I did take a walk about 1.75 miles/40 minutes. Once I got out there and realized how slippery it was I decided to cut it short. I almost fell right on my rump about 4 times in that short distance.

Yesterday was a success! Day 3 no binging! YAY! It makes me feel so good. I think it really helped to eat more earlier.

well…

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… didn’t turn out well. Got a short and chilly email back “she sells realtor signs”. Movin’ on…

J… just when I least expected it. So, after the entire old job drama, I was feelin’ down… real down. J wasn’t home but he called and gave me a pep talk. I told him now that I’m just not getting any business and getting to the point that I don’t even have the resources I need to do print work, I’m feeling pretty crappy about myself. He was like “hey you aren’t dead in the water yet! I think you have a good thing going and maybe we just need to find another path.” We still think I need to get a job cuz nothing’s gonna happen unless I have some money, that’s for darn sure. Anyway, he was so sweet about it. I cried after I hung up the phone partly because I do feel so bad about myself but mostly because it was nice to hear… from him.

calling all prayers!!!!

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Okay, so, I know it’s a long shot…

A little history… I started school for graphic communications 2 months after I started at my old job… the best job ever… the job I’ve missed everyday since I left. When I started I was working 15 hours a week and working mostly production. By the end of my first semester of school I was full time and mainly working design jobs… except I did production through all of my projects because I knew how I wanted them. The January I started full time the store did a total of $3000. The January of the year I left we did $13000. Even my boss said it was because of the design that produced word of  mouth advertising and the customer service I provided… along with the research I did that lead to  pricing increases to make my boss money yet still more than fair to the customer… we kept a small town approach and we catered to people who didn’t want to pay a fortune for a cute christmas letter and to small businesses that couldn’t afford a $3500 logo but wanted something good and something quick. The entire time that I was there, I worked at making that business successful as best as I could because I knew that he wouldn’t do it if he couldn’t make money. But I also thought thru my boss’ comments that I would some day own that store if he decided he wanted out of it.

In May… the bomb was dropped. He sold it… on CONTRACT… to a lady who had NO experience in the industry. So, there I was… hurt… and lost. I’ve never been so happy with a job as I was with that one. I was offered a position but declined. This lady and I would have never gotten along. I’m not saying anything bad… but anyone from the midwest knows that we don’t always mesh well with New Yorkers. She was from New Jersey. Before the sale was final a little birdie told me her plan was to have me teach her everything I know and then can me. AND they wanted me to sign something saying that I would work there for 60-90 days. Ummm… no.

So, I just got an email from a guy I do work for. He and I came to know eachother thru my old job and he followed me when I left. THERE IS A FOR SALE SIGN IN THE WINDOW!!!! DID YOU HEAR ME???? THERE IS  A FOR SALE SIGN IN THE WINDOW!!!! Okay… I don’t wanna say I told ya so, boss man!!! BUT YA KNOW WHAT???? I TOLD YOU SO!!!! So, now that I have that out of my system… So, J and I are going to contact my old boss and see what’s up. She probably ran it into the ground with her price raising, name changing and her trying to keep up with the big boys attitude. People went there because we were nice to them. They went there because we went over the norm to make them feel warm and fuzzy and they knew we were that way because we cared…. not because we wanted more money. But because those people became our friends and to be honest with you… it makes me sick that those people don’t have that anymore.

Anyway, if you guys could put in a good word to God for me, I’d sure appreciate it! This would be the most incredible life changing thing that could happen to me and my family right now. J and I could do this together… he’s the anal sales guy and I’m the creative friendly chick. :) And Sis… she’s perfect just being Sis.

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