no wonder

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No wonder I’ve been gaining so much weight. Yesterday, I had 2356 cals and 83 grams of fat… even with trying to keep it under control.So, how many calories was I eating when I was just eating willy nilly all day and all night. It had to easily be over 3000. My week 2 averages were 1902 calories and 67 grams of fat (32%) Not good… but at least I my average wasn’t over 2000 and like I said… I worked out 5 out of the 7 days. That’s good. I might have still lost a pound or so. According to the calculators to maintain my weight I would need to eat 2280 calories a day.  Since my average was 1902 that’s 378 cals a day that I saved. 378 x 7= 2646 calories plus the 230 calories a day I burned exercising… so that’s 1150 calories for 5 days. 2646 + 1150= 3796 calories which equals about 1.08 lbs. The 1st week I averaged 1350 calories 2280-1350= 930 cals x 7=6510 cals + 1380 cals for working out = 7890 calorie savings which equals about 2.25 lbs. So, technically, I should have lost about 3.34 lbs.  I know… silly me. But I love word problems.  I don’t know. I still haven’t weighed myself (not since 11/8 when I went to the doctor). I’ll probably wait until next week.

J’s mom sent home a pan of brownies. I had 3 last night. J brought home powdered donettes, I’ve had most of them including about 8 of the damn things this morning. He brought home M&M’s - those are almost impossible to resist. I told him that if I’m gonna lose weight that stuff had to be out of the house or locked up. I’m seriously considering putting a lock on the pantry door.  That’s where all of J’s little powdered donettes, potato chips, M&M’s, cheetos, and all the other junk food is. I try to put that stuff on the bottom shelf where it’s hard for me to see but I still know it’s there. And I’m still able to easily get to it. Then, there’s the Dr. Pepper. I can resist that to a point… as long as I drink plenty of water. The freezer isn’t too bad because along with the full fat ice cream sandwiches and chocolate ice cream there is always usually blue bunny 60 cal fudge pops or skinny cow 100 cal fudge pops.

It’s really no wonder I have a hard time not eating junk. I wish I could make J understand. For me, this kind of food in the house is just as “toxic” if not more than having a pack of cigarettes sitting on the kitchen counter all day. And I’m sure I’ve replaced smoking with eating to a point which would explain the last 10 pounds in 2 months. And I find myself having a real problem when I see J’s smokes sitting there… and think to myself that if I started smoking again I would probably take off a few pounds. But I’m trying to be healthy not just skinny. I would just be replacing a bad habit with a bad habit all over again… and I promised Sis. I gave her my word and that’s that.

damn peach pie

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J had to go out of town for work last night and didn’t get back until 4:30 this morning. I missed him. We’ve been getting along so good. I’ve just been more myself lately and he’s reacting to it, I think. My mom noticed how much crap I was giving him while we were out there on Sunday… ie: she had peach pie and he said he had never had peach pie before… I said ” Oh, geez!! Ya have to try something new!” He just gave me that devilish grin and walked away. Then, we were talking about clearing all of the clutter out of our house and J said something about my make up in the bathroom. I said “My make up? Really? I use it everyday. Try opening up a closet to see who’s stuff is stacked to the ceiling in there! Who’s the pack rat!?!?” Mom asked Sis if I always give daddy that much guff and I said only when we’re getting along.

Anyhoo, I did so great yesterday… then last night Sis and I snuggled up on the couch and fell asleep watching Shrek the Third. After I woke up and got her to bed, I got that crackhead feeling… and there it was…staring at me, taunting me… that damn peach pie. I had thought to myself earlier that I should take it to Tim’s (the next door neighbor). But I didn’t and so… half of a peach pie ended up in my tummy… along with about a quarter of a cup of M&M’s. Poop! Oh, well… I’m not giving up. I’ll figure it out. Either way, I’m better off trying than not trying at all and I’m still getting in some exercise.

oopsie poopsie

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So, it was a rough weekend. I’ve had a couple of tough days this week. Saturday was busy and I just didn’t pay attention the way I should have and ended up eating like 1850 calories. Not super bad but way over budget. But yesterday was the kicker. First of all, I had a small breakfast and no lunch or snacks… then we went to my mom & dad’s house about 3… HUGE mistake to go out there on an empty stomach. I even told J when we got in the car… “I’m pretty nervous about going out there on an empty stomach.” The first thing I did was head to that damn bread box. I ate like 8 chips ahoy cookies. Then, I had a Little Debbie Cherry Cordial snack cake. Then, a breaded chicken patty on a bun with mayo, french fries, peach pie, M & M’s, popcorn and a Dr. Pepper. What the…? I should have had a big healthy lunch knowing I was going out there.So, I ended the day with about 2656 calories and 125 grams of fat. That’s nuts. And I didn’t even feel I was eating that much. Goes to show ya the differance between healthier food and junk food. Then, these last two mornings I woke up feeling pretty icky. Anyway, plan is to stick to plan… take Thanksgiving off (hopefully to a point)… and then get back on track. This week (my week ends on Tuesday) if I stay at 1200 cals today and tomorrow… I’ll still average about 1570 cals. It’s not totally out the window. I just need to get back on the horse when I fall off.

J… what a cutie… things are much better. I’ve been flirting with him all weekend. And then he started flirting back. And we were playful like we used to be and actually had a few conversations. It was pretty great.

bringin’ the love back?

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As Sis and I were looking for something in the bins in my closet I ran into a file that J used to keep “memories” in… cards, letters, pictures, momentos of special occasions. It was full of stuff that I’ve given him over the years. I used to give him cards all of the time. But he started to act like it was no big deal. He never seemed to appreciate it. So, I stopped giving them to him. And I used to write him love letters… just to remind him of how much I loved him and how happy I was when I was wrapped up in his arms… I used to… And he used to give me cards and write me love letters. One time, on the way back from a friends house who lives out in the country, he stopped to cut wild flowers out of the ditches along the gravel roads and brought them to me… just cuz. He used to act like he was happy to see me. He used to… And we used to snuggle up and read the Sunday paper together. We used to go out dancing… and we used to make love whenever we were alone no matter where we were. We couldn’t keep our hands off eachother nor did we try. We used to… I suppose a case of the used to’s happens to the best of us… I suppose. And I suppose we just grow older, have kids and forget all of those things that used to make us feel so special to eachother. Thing is… I would give so much to be able to get that back. To feel like I was the only woman in the world, again. To have him kiss me the way he used to kiss me, to have him want to… be close to me… to be happy to see me… to feel like he still loves me. How do I get that back?

crackhead

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Well, yesterday about 4ish I fell off the wagon a smidge… I got that “GOTTA HAVE IT!” crackhead feeling! The next thing ya know, I’m eating 4 Weight Watchers little chocolate cakes (360 unplanned cals!). I would have probably kept going if I had more. Then, I stood there, staring into the pantry… that evil pantry… looking for anything sweet. I found several things… but I closed the door and started cleaning. I cut out the other (healthier) snacks I had planned to try to make up for the little cakes. Then, after dinner, I ended up eating 2 skinny cow fudge bars. But I guess it was a good save. I only went over 184 calories for the day. I think part of the problem is that I don’t eat meat with J home out of respect for his feelings. So, I end up eating a lot of carbs. My dinners have been unsatisfying and it makes me want something else. I’ll need to work on what to eat for dinner. I did find a recipe for a cheesy potato soup that only has 160 cals and 6g fat per cup. I could make up a batch of that and freeze it in servings. I could have a cup of soup and a salad with maybe some crackers. That would be kinda yummy in my tummy on a cold night. Or a cup of soup and a half of a veggie sandwich! If I can find more things like that, it would be good.

pigs out

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So, if you’ve ever seen Charolottes Web… the new one that’s not animated… you’ll certainly remember when Wilbur breaks out of the fence and all the sheep start yelling “PIGS OUT”. And then the cows yell “PIGS OUT”, and the geese yell “PIGS OUT”… and so on. We thought that was hilarious, being raised on a “hobby farm”… “PIGS OUT” is something that brings back memories of my entire family trying to run around 7 acres of land trying to catch one little but very clever and suprisingly fast pig. So, now when we’re playing ball outside and it goes out into the street everyone yells “PIGS OUT” in the same tone that we yell “CAR” when we’re riding bikes to alert Sis and the neighbor kids to get to the side of the street… just like we did when I was a kid… in that calm matter of fact yet urgent tone. I just wanted to share that… but anyway… PIGS OUT! Yup, Sis has told on me. I kind of expected she would. Last night, J told me she’s been telling him I’ve been eating meat. I said ” I have.” and went on about my business. That’s it. Nothing more said. I know he’s not happy about it but that’s the way it is and the way it’s gonna be and I think he knows that. So, that’s that. I will still try to not cook it when he’s home and be understanding and respectful of his feelings about it as I would expect the same from him with things I feel strongly about. We’ll just agree to disagree.

I remember watching my mom every single morning go thru a ritual. She came down stairs, turned on the coffee pot, went to the bathroom, brushed her teeth, washed her face, put on moisturizer… poured herself a cup of coffee & read the paper. Then, she put on her make up, put a few curls in her hair, put in her earrings and got dressed. Every single night, she announced, “Well, better flush, brush and hit the sac.” Went to the bathroom, brushed her teeth, washed her face, put on her moisturizer and went to bed. It never failed. I’ve been trying to take better care of myself in a lot of different ways. I would like these things to become second nature just like it was to my mom. So, I think I’m going to make up a schedule of sorts to remind me of the things I need to do (skin care, take vitamin and Synthroid, workout, etc.) until it becomes second nature. I’ll also have Sis do these things with me so she’s not 33 years old trying to get into this kind of routine. Maybe we’ll make up a sticker chart. We like sticker charts.

So, week one… I ate an average of 1350 calories with an average of 33g of fat (22%). I think that’s just fine. I’m pretty happy with it. And like I said, I feel like I’m eating quite a bit. For example, today I’m planning on eating: breakfast: 2 eggs, 2 turkey sausage links and 1 slice whole wheat toast
               lunch: tilapia, 2 whole carrots and a cup of brocoli
               dinner: 4 oz chicken, perogies with marinara sauce, a slice of whole wheat bread
               snacks: orange, yogurt, banana, skinny cow fudge bar, 2 med. stalks of celery and grapes
and that’s about 1450 calories and 27 grams of fat. I just what I feel like snacking on and grab it throughout the day trying to leave the fudge bar for after dinner when I REALLY want something a little sweet. The thing about planning it out is that feels like I have so much control. Which before I was just eating uncontrollably. I’ve set boundries for myself. I will not allow myself to go cross those boundries. I know what I have given myself to eat and when it’s gone it’s gone. No more. Sometimes, it kinda sucks. I mean when it’s about 9pm and Sis is going to bed I usually crave something sweet but I ate my last morsel of food about 7:30 ( I’m trying to not eat past 8pm) so instead of veggin’ out on the couch in front of the tv I have to force myself to do something to keep my mind off food. I don’t start really wanting to pig out (PIGS OUT) until about 3:30 or 4:00pm… about the time the day is winding down from teaching Sis, playing and working on design projects. It’s good that I’m noticing these things, I suppose. That way I know when I should expect it. Because now I know to save my cleaning until about 4:00 so I have something to keep me out of that evil junk food filled pantry. By the time I’m done cleaning, J is home and it’s time to get dinner (still busy). Then, it’s time to have sometime with Sis… either playing a board game or reading. Then, it’s time for Sis’ bath, brushing, flushing and hitting the sac. So, after all of that is done… it’s dead time again… temptation to eat… PIGS OUT! So, maybe I should get in the habit of doing the skin care thing and brushing my teeth with Sis, read for a smidge and go to bed about 9:30. J has usually fallen asleep on the floor by then anyway. Then I’ll just get up earlier. I don’t know… I’ll try a couple of different things.

eight days

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It’s been eight days! I went ahead and updated my daily check in cuz I can still have a skinny cow fudge bar so I’m good. But, yup, I’ve stayed in my calorie goals and worked out 6 of those eight days. I’m finding it’s getting easier as I’m learning more about what to eat to get the most food for the calories and still have treats. I love my treats.

I was busy today. I worked on that design job and got another call from a lady I do work for as well. So, things are going good. And I honestly think they’ll get better. And Sis was here with me. I love it. I love that I can do what I love to do and still spend time with her. If I could just bring in a smidge more money, life would pretty much be perfect.

guilt

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I’m feeling SO GOOD! I don’t know if it’s the synthroid kickin’ in already or that I’ve eaten right and exercised all week. But I’m kinda thinkin’ it’s a combination of both. It’s a good feeling. The way I’ve been going with my eating and working out is the only thing I don’t feel guilty about today.

So, I’m about to take 4 kittens and their mom to the shelter. For some reason, I’m always the one that has to do this. I think J just wouldn’t be able to do it. When we have small kittens for strays, we go ahead and take them to the shelter because they have such a good chance of finding a home inside instead of being a stray. They’ll be spayed or neutered, have shots and treated for fleas. If we try to do the free to a good home thing, chances are they won’t get any of those things. And it’s less expensive for people to do that stuff through the shelter than it is to just take a cat to the vet. Unfortunately, around here people don’t take responsibility for their cats as much as they should. And it’s getting to be that time of year… the temps are falling and soon we will have snow. We’ll always have strays though. We don’t take any cats to the shelter if they are not tame. J tries to tame as many as he can… the cat whisperer… but there are several that run TO him for attention and run FROM everyone else. The last time I went to the shelter, I took 10 kittens out there. It’s hard but it’s for the greater good… even PETA says so. J does love his cats. I like them too and feel quite a bit of guilt for taking them out there. But honestly, we do what we can.

There’s a family that lives down the street. She has M, a 6 year old little girl from one guy, twins (who don’t live with her) from another guy, a 1 year old boy and a 10 week old from her current husband. M & S were playing together a lot this summer. One day, M was showing us pics and we noticed she didn’t have any hair. Her mom said she had lice and they had to shave her head (?) So, that made me a smidge nervous. But they said it was all gone and there was nothing to worry about. That was about 2 years ago that they shaved her head. It came about that they needed some one to watch her after school. I thought that would be great cause M & Sis could play together for a couple of hours everyday. She had been coming her for about a week and one night when they came to pick her up, we were talking and they casually mentioned that they treat her hair every month just to be on the safe side. The next day, Sis happened to go to grandma’s house so she wasn’t here to play with M after school. So, knowing they couldn’t afford to pay for the reading program the school wanted M to go into ( because she has a harder time reading than she should) I worked with M on reading and stuff. Then, I had her work on the computer with reading software that Sis uses. M loved it. She doesn’t get much attention at home. I was sitting about 3 feet away from her when I saw something moving in her hair. I grabbed it and put it in a jar without saying anything about it. The longer I sat there, the more I saw. I could actually see lice weaving in and out of her hair!!! Silently freaking out, I grabbed a couple of more and showed them to her step dad when he came over. He said it was probably just a nit they missed. Okay. So, we checked and checked and checked and there it was… crawling around in Sis’ hair!!!! So, we treated her hair and the house. They hadn’t said anything to me and M just didn’t come over the next day. So, we walked down there because I wanted to make sure she was home and not kidnapped or something. Her dad pulled her hair back and oh my goodness… a mess of nits… I mean medical text book picture kind of stuff. So, I said it had to be all gone before she could come back over. And I was PISSED! First of all, if they didn’t know that was in their daughters hair, they certainly should have!!! If they did, they sure has hell shouldn’t have sent her to my house to play with my daughter who has hair down to her butt! Am I right? So… nothing… don’t hear a word. Until one day, they come to our door with the new baby. And casually mention that when she was in the hospital they sent M to her sisters and her sister got everything out of M’s hair. Okay… of course they need some one to watch M after school when she goes back to work. Before she goes back to work…. the next door neighbor tells me, M was sent home from school twice and missed like 2 and a half weeks of school because of it. Oh, that’s not all…. the reason M’s step dad doesn’t watch the kids is because DHS tells him he can’t be alone with the kids. Because he apparently had sex with M’s mom’s 16 year old sister with M in the bed!! It’s still under investigation but it looks like they’re going to get the kids taken away from them. So, about a week ago, they came to the door and wondered if I would watch M after school. I told them no. I can’t trust them. I can’t have a chance that my daughter gets that crap again. I can’t trust anything they say. I feel so bad though. I really really feel bad for M… and Sis because they play so well together and got so close. But after I found out all that stuff… I just can’t bring myself to try to help them out. They are both recovering meth users, she’s had two kids taken away because their dad called dhs when he saw how filthy their trailer was and now poor M has to deal with all of this crap. I feel bad because it’s not her fault, it’s her “parents” fault. But anyway, I can’t have that going on around here. The really bad part is… she’s going to stay with him and have her kids taken away… instead of leaving him and keeping her kids. I just don’t get it. I really just don’t get it.

still going strong

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I’m pretty happy with the way things have been going. I like the way I’ve been counting calories. I have around 1200 cals one day and the next day I have 1500 cals or so. I’m amazed at how much I can eat when I choose the right foods. What I do is in the morning, after I’ve worked out and while I’m eating breakfast, I get on my daily plate (thedailyplate.com) and figure out what sounds good to me for the day. Then, I break it down into meals and snacks. It’s 4pm and I still have chicken, a cup of brocoli, a potato with ff margarine, 3 carrots, an orange, popcorn and a 1/2 cup of chocolate of ice cream to eat. I was out of eggs this morning. So, I had 5 pcs of turkey bacon and some grapes for breakfast. For lunch, I had a very tasty turkey bacon (turkey bacon) cheeseburger, brocoli and a peice of whole wheat bread. So, I’m eating quite a bit and feel unusually satisfied. Yet, I’ll be ending the day with 1140 calories. AND I GET ICE CREAM EVERYDAY!

Sis… what a beautiful person. She amazes me everyday. She’s made her final decision. She’s going to cut her hair and donate it to Beautiful Lengths. She saw Oprah cut off Hilary Swank’s hair on the show and she asked me about it. I told her that some people who are sick with something called cancer have to take medicine that makes them lose their hair. And the lady was giving her hair to those people so they didn’t feel as bad. She said…”They can have my hair, mama.” Now, to understand how big this is you will need a bit of a background. My daughter is 5 years old. She has never had anything but her bangs cut. So, her hair is down to her butt. And her hair means a lot to her. Of course, everyone comments on how beautiful her hair is and it has become a large part of who she is. And everytime I’ve said something about getting it trimmed she kinda freaked out a bit. I then told her how much we would need to cut off (at least 8 inches) and showed her how long her hair would be after it was cut. She said… “They can have more than that, mama. It will grow back.” Bless her heart. So, Wednesday, we’re cutting off about 10 inches. Her hair will still be below her shoulders.

ouchie

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So, around 3 this afternoon, I got a bit of a chill. I thought some tea would be nice. So, I’m pouring the hot water into my cup when the lid of my tea pot falls off and steam rushes out right onto my right hand fingers holding the handle. Um… ouch! Thank GOD Sis wasn’t in there with me because I dropped the tea pot and boiling water went everywhere. So, now I have a bum right hand…blisters and all. At least that horrible throbbing went away. It wasn’t until about 6:30 that I was able to take the ice pack off for more than a couple of minutes without pretty bad pain. J went and talked to a pharmacist and got me some stuff to put on it and bandages and neosporin in case the blisters broke… which they did. Hopefully, it won’t they won’t get infected. I’ll just need to keep it covered and use the neosporin.

Talk about wantin’ some chocolate chip cookies! That must be from being a kid… my mom liked to give me cookies and milk when I got hurt. She thought it would make me feel better, I suppose. She was right. It always did. Believe it or not some of  my best childhood memories are when I got hurt… usually by the hand of my 3 older brothers. Mom was always so gentle and perfectly snuggly when I was hurt. I remember a lot of my child hood… one thing I remember the most is snuggling up with mom, my ear pressed against her chest and feeling the vibration of her voice and infectious laugh. It gives me a warm and fuzzy just thinking about it. So, what do you think I did after I burnt my hand? I called my mommy. Nothing wrong with that… I hope Sis calls me when she has an ouchie when she’s 33 years old.

Anyway, it’s been 4 whole days I’ve stayed between about 1200ish and 1500ish calories and have done the Walk Strong dvd everyday. YAY ME! I’m pretty proud of myself. This morning, I was working out within 10 minutes of rolling out of bed. Where did that come from?

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