okay, okay, okay

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I hate to fight. Especially with myself. So, I’m just gonna let my other self win this one. My other self said I need to stop whinin’ and pull myself out of this funk. So, that’s what I’m gonna do. It’s a beautiful day outside… I’ll go for a walk and have a chat with God.

in a funk

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I’m just kinda in a funk. J and I aren’t getting along very well at all. Not that we’re fighting or anything. We’re just… not doing anything. We barely talk, we don’t do anything together… there’s just nothing. We went out to eat with Sis the other day before we went grocery shopping. On the way back I reached over to hold his hand. And he didn’t even open his hand. He just held it in a fist. Then that night I asked if he wanted to snuggle. No. That’s it. No. I guess it’s not much different than it usually is. Sometimes, it just bothers me more. I don’t feel as lonely when I’m by myself as much as I do when he’s here. As a matter of fact, when I know he’s on his way home, I get anxious. I guess I just know what’s in store. He’ll come in, give sis a hug and a kiss, say hi to all of his cats (4 inside). Then, he’ll go outside to feed the strays and give them attention. Then, he’ll get on the computer until I have dinner ready. Sometimes, I bring his dinner to him at the computer. Then, he’ll lay down on the floor in front of the tv… and usually falls asleep there. He’ll talk to me if he wants to complain about work, money, politics or whatever he wants to complain about. The last time I went to him in tears about how I felt about something… I got “well that’s life I guess” and he walked away. So, I guess, what’s the point? I just don’t know what to do. And I just can’t seem to stop crying when I’m by myself. I always feel like such a failure at everything I do.

I miss my job. My boss sold the business and when I found out I was devistated. The one time in my life I felt like I was worth something. He was a great boss. It was my dream job. Since I was in the 6th grade I knew I wanted to be a graphic designer. When I had a chance to go to school, I went. I wish I would’ve gone right out of high school. Just one of those things I guess. So, I decided to go no matter what J had to say about it. I did great my first semester. I was on the deans list… A’s in everything… including math. Now, I have to tell you, in high school, I had to repeat pre-algebra. By the end of the first semester my instructor asked me if I was sure I didn’t want to go into a field that involved more math. Due to extra credit type work I left that class with 102%. Right before, I started school, I got a job at a little privately owned copy shop. I worked my way into the graphic design position and ended up doing what I’ve always wanted to do. The customers were great, the boss was great, the work was great. And then poof, it’s all gone. I still do some work from my home. But it’s not enough money and because I didn’t go past my 1st semester and the lack of those positions in our area… I doubt I’ll find another job like it. I would like to go back to school. But… it would mean for me to well… pretty much leave my husband. And if I got another job doing that work… it wouldn’t be anything like it was there. I’m trying to teach myself web design, now. To try to broaden my skills. I’ve done a website for a customer I have (I took a few customers with me) and they’re very happy with it. I’m good at design. And although website design is very different than print design, I can easily do simple brochure type websites. Getting business is just pretty tough to do when ya have no money to put into your business. When I got paid for the website I was to get a membership to a networking group I had visited a couple of times. But at the last minute, J decided he needed it to pay bills. Which I understand, but he was the one who told me to leave and start my own thing. And if I could’ve just paid that membership fee, we would be doing so much better. I had done work for almost everyone in that group through my job and they were all very excited to have me there.

So, blah blah blah. Like I said, I’m just in a funk. As far as eating… yeah right.

ahh nuts

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Well, well, well.I guess I just don’t know where to begin. I crashed. I gave in. It all started out good enough yesterday. Pretty normal. Sis and I walked to the store for a few things and when we got back I just went crazy.  I couldn’t stop myself. Or did I try hard enough? I don’t know. I had a left over hamburger I made at lunch time… that I was saving for today… potato chips, 3 granola bars, shrimp fried in butter, popcorn, the rest of the fig bars, hot cocoa and maybe a few other things I can’t think of right now. My stomach felt like it was going to explode and I got a headache. This morning I feel almost hung over.  I wish I would have just let myself cry my eyes out instead. Oh, well. Today is a new day.

I’m going to see if my husband wants to get a membership to the Y. He certainly isn’t over weight. If anything he has a problem keeping weight on. But he could stand to workout. I think it would be good for all of us. J and I need to find more time to do things together. We’re growing so far apart. And we need to do more together as a family. If we got a membership to the Y we could do healthy things together. Sis could spend time with kids in the daycare while J & I work out together. Then, when we’re done we could all go swimming or something. That sounds like so much more fun than… well the nothing we do now.

thanks, guys

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Seriously, yesterday was a tough one and I would have binged like there’s no tomorrow if I didn’t get so much support from you guys. I’m so happy I’ve found this place and all of you… who know, who understand, who encourage and support. Thank you.

So, I made it. I fought with myself all day long. But I made it. I did have two brownies last night. After dinner is one of those times for me.  And considering how I felt about the whole thing yesterday, I think I did pretty good.

J came home last night smelling like smoke. He knew I knew when I went up and smelled his shirt and walked away without a word. I understand. It’s a hard one to kick. I miss it. My dad who quit smoking about 30 years ago said he still misses it. I just asked J not to smoke around me and certainly not around Sis. He said he won’t and he still plans on quitting… he’s just having a tough time.

So, I was gonna find a place to weigh myself today. But ya know what, I’m not gonna. I know I’m making healthy choices, I’m not binging and I’m working out everyday. That’s good. I’m not gonna ruin it by jumping on the scales to see I haven’t lost as much as I wanted and get discouraged. I might weigh myself next Friday depending on how I feel about it.

I printed off some pictures of healthy women, some working out, meditating, eating healthy foods… and hung them up over my dresser along with pictures of me when I was thinner and that cute little swim suite and some jeans I haven’t buttoned for a while. I look at this every morning and it gives me some strength.

oh, bother

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I don’t know why it gets tough for me around a week into it. I’m getting more and more frustrated, it’s getting to crackhead point where I feel like I’m going to eat myself stupid. I don’t know how to get rid of this feeling without binge eating. I woke up wanting chocolate… something I’ve craved in the mornings since I was a kid. I worked out right away to try to get through that. It kinda worked. And I had an egg a slice of cheese on top and 2 pcs toast with no butter(I’m starting to realize I don’t really  miss the butter and mayo type things as much as I thought I would). But I still want to eat crap. UGH!

I’m supposed to weigh myself tomorrow. I’m glad I got rid of my scale. I would have been getting on that thing everyday if not more than once a day. And when I didn’t see a pound gone, saw a pound gained or even just maintained I would have been even more discouraged. And probably would have given up.  I just have to remind myself I’m not going to lose it all over night… and it’s not just about the weight. It’s about being healthy too. I guess I’ll just need to be more patient.

uh oh

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Okay, I feel it coming…

Inner battle: “Eat. No don’t eat. Eat. No don’t eat. EAT! NO! Listen up, you! You’ve been doing great! And there is no good reason for you to eat your daughters brownie! AND STAY AWAY FROM THAT PANTRY! Well, I have been doing good… a little bit won’t hurt! What the..!!! Are you serious? You know what will happen!!! You know it’s one of those times of day! Just leave it be… okay… if you must eat… there’s some carrots in the fridge. I don’t want carrots! Carrots or nothing!!! UGH!” Okay, better now. I’m gonna go clean something.

So, I got thru that. But then Mom and Dad brought Sis home. Mom brought minute steak and a hostess cupcake. Well, bless her heart. I know she didn’t mean anything by it and when it comes down to it I’m the one who chose to eat it. I also broke down and had a Dr. Pepper. That was the first soda I’ve had all week. Oh, well, right? I’m trying really hard to not beat myself up over it. It could’ve been worse. It just seems to be an on going battle. Feeling pretty bad.

yada yada

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So, I went for a walk today. Lately, I’ve been getting on the trampoline. That’s a good workout. But it’s a beautiful fall day again. I have to enjoy them while they last. While I was walking I decided to have a little chit chat with God. Now, I’m kinda new at this walking with Jesus thing. But the Oh, Jesus, forgive me for I have sinned… Trinity Broadcasting Network kinda prayin’ doesn’t really work for me. I just sort of talk to Him. I tell him what’s been going on (not that he doesn’t know), ask him a couple of questions, talk to him about a couple of folks and put in a few suggestions… We have some pretty deep conversations. The thing is you can talk to Him about anything. Anything. And no matter what ya say… He’s never gonna stop loving ya.

So, we took Sis out to the grandparents last night for a sleep over. Oh, she loves sleeping over at Grandma and Grandpas. They live out in the country and she gets dirty and runs around and has so much fun. They’ll be working on the flower garden today, Mom said. I suppose getting things ready for winter. Her and Grandpa will have Cheerios and when they come in from a hard days work outside, they’ll have a hot cocoa. Watching her with my folks reminds me of when I was a little girl. I had such a great childhood. Anyway, Mom was a lot more supportive on the getting healthy thing. Didn’t even offer me Cheetos when she got ‘em out for Sis.

Last night, we had to stop at the store to get my husband a couple of things after we took Sis to mom and dads. He got called out of town for work and needed some stuff for the trip. We were wondering what we should do for dinner. I asked him if he just wants a frozen pizza. He said “That sounds good to me… but is that gonna sabatoge you… you’ve been doing pretty good.” Huh? What? I didn’t even notice he was noticing. So, I got a Healthy Choice thing. It was tasty and satisfying. Who’d a thunk?

My mother in law sent brownies home with my husband. Gotta love the lady… she makes some darn good brownies. I so bad wanted to eat the whole pan. But I didn’t. I had one after the Healthy Choice thingy. That was it. Then, when (lets call my husband, J) J left this morning, I packed him up on brownies. His mom… his brownies.

now that was good!

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Okay, so anytime I wake up in the middle of the night, I crave something sweet. And I don’t mean I just crave somethin’, I mean I will drive myself nuts if I don’t get it. So, about 4am, Sis decided she need to come in to snuggle for a bit. Well, I was awake and we do have fig bars… I had every intention of just having one. So, I get up, go to the kitchen… and there I stood, staring at the cookie jar, thinking “If I have one, I’ll have another and then another… then I’ll need some milk. Then, I’ll have milk left over. So, I’ll need to have another fig bar to finish the milk. JUST GO BACK TO BED!! GO! GET OUT OF HERE! GO! GO! GO!” That’s pretty much how it went. So, I went back to bed. Whew! That was a close one! I’m pretty proud of myself for that one!

new goals again… 12/28/07

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Here’s where I am…                                                                                                                                                                        178lbs. and a very tight and uncomfortable size 14 jeans

Ultimate goal: 125 lbs and comfy size 6… it would be nice to fit into that cute little swimsuit again, too.

Mini goals:

165 lbs • Valentines Day • contacts
155  lbs • April 1st •  tanning sessions
140 lbs • June 1st • pedicure
130 lbs • August 1st •  facial
125 lbs •  September 22nd • new clothes

More realistic goals… happy with that.

i have to say…

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… I feel pretty good about the way this weekend went. First of all, I controlled myself pretty much all weekend. Sometimes, it’s just overwelming, though, isn’t it? That urge to eat doesn’t seem to pass as quickly as the urge to smoke.

Last night at the folks, I had a slice of pizza and a smidge of potato salad for dinner. Mom’s like… “is that all you’re gonna eat?” Then after dinner, I started pacing around the kitchen. Mom’s like…”there’s cotton candy in the bread box!” I said “I’m trying to watch what I eat” Ya know what she said… “well, watch it go in to your mouth!” Oh, the support! You would think they would understand since they have so many diet related health issues. My poor dad has to go through that everyday. He has diabetes and she keeps that stuff around all of the time. Anyway, I resisted. Sis (nickname for my daughter) even resisted the cookie jar. She just had a fun size candy bar. I did go to the bread box. But I only had ONE Hershey kiss! I have to say that is willpower! But I still had a donut when I got home. But that’s okay, it was still a good day.

• sprouted grain english muffin, one egg, one slice american cheese (no butter), a pear, 1 slice of cheese pizza, about 1/4 cup potato salad, one hershey kiss, and a donut.

I think I’m doing good. I don’t really have a way to weigh myself right now. I think it’s for the best, though. I was weighing myself every day. I would get on one day and I’d be down a pound or two. Then the next day I would be up a couple of pounds. It drove me crazy. Well, and we had an electronic scale and it seemed like I had to do like a best 2 out of 3 kind of thing with it. I would get on it and it would read 168 and then I would get on it 2 seconds later and it would read 176. Then it would be 173. It drove me nuts! The last time I weighed myself before I ripped the battery cord thingy out of it :) I was at 176 like 4 out of 5 times. So that’s what I went with. I’ll just go somewhere to weigh myself. I think I’ll do that on Fridays.

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