Fighting the Dark Cloud of pudge!!

What a week this has been!  I was so surprised when my staff presented me with a thank you card and a $30 starbucks card at the weekly school assembly.  Later they said they know I take a beating from the admin for them and as I always show them that I appreciate them, they wanted me to know that I am appreciated!  THEN the day after one of the teachers gave me a bottle of a vodka cosmopolitan and a large box of ferraro roche to thank me for helping him get a night school teaching gig and one with virtual school.  SO that was nice.

And my chats with the fatts is still going well.  I have been paying close attention to the rewarding myself eating and reduced it considerably.  My real reward is a 3.5 loss this week!  I had been quite disenchanted when I stayed at 201 for the week but today the scale jumped down to 198.5.  YAY!

My conversations have not ended.  I have noticed the reach for the sweets whenever I am stressed or depressed.  That is the next thing I am working on.  After some logical assessment I am wondering if I can switch fruit for the chocolate. I know it is a stretch, and I will have to look at a variety of fruits, but we will see.  I am guessing watermelon may help if I can keep it handy.  So that talks contintue.

I will try to log in more often.

I am actually finding this fatt dialogue worthwhile.  At this point I think I have more than one challenge to overcome.  I have concluded that at times I eat to reward myself.  That is, “I am a good person so I deserve some chocolate”.  In part I think it stems from being given candy as a reward by my Mother (and if we can’t blame our Moms, who can we blame?!!) and in part I think it fulfills this desire to always be everything to everyone!  So, because I have been soooo good to everyone else, I reward myself.

It reminds me in part of a line from the movie Holiday (with Kate Winslet and Cameron Diaz) where Kate’s character Iris says something to the effect  of “I should at least be the leading lady in my own life!”.  I think I have to start taking the lead and be more selfish.  I need to do what is good for me and not try to be the best employee and the best daughter and the best dog owner and the best wife.  BECAUSE when I neglect myself I really cannot be any of those things.

As I said, I think this is part of the problem.  I think there are more problems that will be unearthed with more dialogue.  Still, this is actually helping me when I make decisions about food.  I still make some wrong decisions, but not quite as many.

Cheers

Well we made it through Thanksgiving dinner. I bought an Opera cake www.alacuisine.org/alacuisine/2004/10/opera_cake_1.html (sorry if that makes you hungry) which is sooo delicious BUT I sent Mom home with about 1/4 of the cake.  I put another 1/4 in the freezer and have the remaining bits for me in the fridge.  AND when I saw Mom today she actually complimented the meal and the condo.  (we moved in June and only because of hosting this dinner is it in reasonable order).  Has an alien taken over her body??

This morning I walked the dog and had another fatt chat.  Really I am trying to work through issues I have always wanted to work through.  But with these dialogues it is a more structured manner.  Does it all stem from the chocolate as reward as a kid?  Does it relate to the fact that even at 5 pounds over waitte I was made to feel huge when I was young?  Or is it a host of other insecurities?  I will say this, after walking the dog for 1.5 hours (ok add in the 15 minute visit with Mom as the dog walked over to her place (only about a 5 minute walk but he took me all over the place before getting there) I came home and made Irish oat bran (how it is different from other oatbrans I am not sure) and was still hungry.  I heard the cake calling me from the fridge.  My husband suggested I have turkey.  Well we all know that 11:30am is too early for turkey but not too early for cake!

So, what did I do?  I put away the dishes from last night and got out the ingredients to make the stew we are having for dinner.  Then I logged on here.  Is the cake still calling me?  You bet.  BUT I know I will nosh while cooking the stew, so I am going that route instead. Maybe it is the talking…

Oh and another revelation?  I was lifting the box of my good china yesterday.  I have come to realize that when my abs feel good, I feel good.  Maybe I should be writing this all down….

Cheers!

I know, I have been AWOL for a while.  Really, my life has been so stressful and my waitte has followed.  Up to 201!  Makes that 197.5 I couldn’t shake look good!  I feel awful and I have been wondering (between breaths) what to do about it.

By coincidence (is there such a thing as a coincidence??) hubby and I have been doing the remaining unpacking to get the place in order to host a small thanksgiving dinner (Mom and my brother).  While unpacking I came across an old Good Housekeeping magazine.  Not a mag I usually read, but something must have made me by it back in March.  Anyway, there was a small article about one woman’s weight loss journey.  (Ok, several articles, but this one was actually more in line with my present thinking).  She said we all do the same thing and we lose and gain back.  What we need to do is have a “talk with our fat”.  We need to figure out what it is “trying to tell us”.  Although it sounds hokey, it made me think of that saying “you are destined to get the same results if you do the same thing over and over again” (or something like that).

So in the silent watches of the morning I started my conversation.  Now, after all these years, I am guessing it is not a simple 5 minute chat - or else we would all do it and address the issue.  But I think I may be on to something here. I definitely think my body is trying to tell me something - or maybe several somethings.

Having said all this about my life, I am overjoyed reading about your successes.  So, don’t think I have descended into the dark dungeon of despair and jealousy.  In all honesty, I think I am too busy right now to descend anywhere!  Instead, I think I am on the brink of one of those self discovery revelations we all get from time to time.

So, happy thanksgiving- even if you are not Canadian!  We are made everything - well except a nice cake I bought for dessert.  Granted I also attempted a pumpkin bread.  I am trying to get the hang of baking with non-wheat flour due to my allergies.  My last experiment was lemony cookies that tasted like lemon flavoured saw dust.  Wish me luck with the pumpkin bread.

Yes, it seems that chocolate is abandoning me.  It is giving me indigestion - well some does; enough brands do.  What to do?  What to do?  Perhaps this will get me eating properly?

Other than that, the students are doing well.  In fact it is so quiet in the classrooms that I keep checking to make sure they didn’t tie up and duct tape the teachers!!  So far, not even one teacher!!

Meanwhile the problem teacher keeps at it.  We keep unearthing new problems.  I just sing “How do you solve a problem like Maria?” to the Principal and VP.  It’s a shame as it is only a one year contract, but it is a whole year!!  I hope not too much damage is being done to those kids!  So far not one person seems to be passing.  I have to ask at what point, as a teacher, do you not question “why is this happening?”.  Midterms come out next week (remember we started Aug 18) so that should prove interesting.  Right now, kids just skip his class. *sigh*  It really made me realize I had no desire to become a VP at this point!

Other than that, Mom’s memory is going - and she is forgetting it is going!  Today she assured me she does not leave the oven on!  Even  before she started getting dementia she left the oven on!!  That is the main reason I make dinner for her.  Now she has meals on wheels bringing her frozen meals (5) once a week.  She wants to heat them up in the oven rather than the microwave.  OY!  When she was in hospital this summer she agreed to go on the waiting list for a home.  I have to find where she hid the papers and get them completed.  It takes 2 years to get to the top of the list, but at least that is a light at the end of the tunnel.  IF she is even alive in 2 years, she will bloody well need a home!!!  Between her lungs going and the brain going…AGAIN I say “OY”.

Have a good weekend all!

Thank you for your comments.  Obviously I had some superbug as I still have a touch of a sore throat and a bit of a cough from that darn cold.  And now DH has it.  Poor DH, he is stuck in CT.  Not that being in CT is a bad thing at all, but his flight was cancelled due to the weather and he was moved to a second flight.  Then the second flight got cancelled and he is waiting in Bradley Airport as I write this for his flight to take off.  Add to that, not feeling well.  I can only imagine what he will feel like when he lands here in wet cool weather at 9:30pm.  He may stay home tomorrow.

School is actually improving.  Right now the biggest problem is one of the teachers.  He has managed to antagonize the students.  Granted he did such things as (gasp) expect them to be on time; expect them to do their work; expect them not to swear at him!  (You get the gist of the kind of kids we have?!!).  We are dealing with kids who have so much baggage that this is actually too much for them!  In part it is the way he says it.  So, he is back pedalling right now to develop a rapport with the kids, and asking me for help such as books he can read etc on dealing with these kinds of kids.

To give you a snapshot of what these kids are like.  Some actually live in the streets.  We are considering bringing in AA to run weekly meetings in the school AND we would have to give the kids volunteer hours (they need 40 to graduate here) just to attend.  We have Student of the Week assemblies where each of the 4 teachers nominates a student (so we really have students of the week ot student) and they get a certifcate and a movie coupon.  They save the coupons so they can go to a special movie.  I opened a corporate account with one of the big movie houses so I get the coupons at a discount.

You may be shocked and alarmed that we basically bribe kids to go to school and do their work.  Keep in mind that I have 17 year olds with NO credits.  I have students who dropped out in grade 8 and are, at 16, coming back to try school again.  We become their parents and their role models.  When I first started teaching I taught kids who actually dreaded Christmas break because we were the most stable adults in their lives and they would be without us and with their parents.  One kid, at 13, went to court to be legally removed from his parents.  I teach kids who when I meet their parents and see how they interact with their kids I want to encourage the kid to run away from home (no, I don’t say it, but I want to!).

Apparently the person previously in my position did not have the easiest personality to work with.  (not that I am any great shakes) so I have also worked on being supportive of the staff.  I believe that if the staff know they are appreciated, then they go into the classroom with a better attitude and can focus on the kids.  I think we have all had bosses who were so awful to work with that we spent the afternoon rehashing arguments and not really working?!  Not an option when teaching these types of kids, so I try to make it as pleasant a work environment as I can.  Sometimes all that takes is buying a dozen donuts for the staff meeting so people get a treat while there.  I think it is a small price to pay.

As for the title of this posting.  I went to my favourite Goodwill on the weekend.  I should comment that this is the Goodwill that a fair chunk of wealthy women in Toronto drop their barely worn stuff in.  I tried on about 12 pairs of dress pants for work.  A pair of Ralph Lauren pants fit but they were pleated so not a great look.  A pair of Bob Mackie pants fit but didn’t look great.  I settled for a pair of Liz Clairborne pants.  The price for any of these?  $6.99.  They look practically new.  So, you see why I love to shop there.  And there is my constant dream that I only need them for a few months before I lose waitte so why spend a lot of money?!!  During my quest I found soooo many great pairs of pants, and suits but in a size 12.  I am a 14 - 16.  So, you can understand my pain!

I will try to be more faithful with my postings!

Well, my new school isn’t exactly what I expected.  When I was told we did not accept behavioural students I did not realize that was limited to those designated in spec ed as behavioural.  So, my first day I spoke with a parole officer who informed me that we have MANY of her students.  OY!  And she was right.

Aside from the constant fight for school domination, I now have a cold!  My second day off (and only week 2) and tomorrow I am seeing a dr.  It is getting better, but I can’t talk so I can’t take charge of an already unruly school.

Staff is great, on the other hand.  Just never thought I would find kids even more clueless than the last group I taught.  Perhaps some will surprise me here as some did there.  These kids are on their last chance in the school system and yet they still think they can have a school their way.  (showing up up to an hour late for class etc).  Quite the battle ahead of me.  Good thing I took that theatre voice training!!

On a brighter note, my DH is taking very good care of me, and my faithful dog is by my side - unless someone calls him for a meal.  At that time I am dumped like a hot potato!!  *sigh*

Hope all is well with my sisterhood here.  Will check in on your blogs.

Seems in my desire to rid myself of Spam I may have deleted all comments!  This new format is soooo confusing.  Soooo, nothing personal if I accidentally deleted something you wrote! I really did love it at the time!  I think I went way beyond recent comments.

Yes, the dog’s waitte loss has surpassed mine. Perhaps it is because his only stress is the timing of his next walk?  Or maybe because we regulate his food more than our own!  Or finally, it could be that he is on thyroid meds and I am not!

My last day of freedom.  47 spams today.  I am thinking of opening a new blog and cancelling this one just to escape them.  How much longer can I get comments on various drugs, porno and other such things.  I recall when my email accounts were flooded with spam.  My favourite being Russian women who wanted to marry me.  I am just not that type of a girl - not that there is anything wrong with being that type of a girl.

As I said, my last day before I return to work.  Today I have to fit in everything I did not do in the past 6 weeks.  Can I do it???

Rented DVD 21 last night from Blockbuster but it is scratched and did not work.  So I started watching Mad Money.  I bought it previously viewed as it had looked cute when I saw the trailers waaay back.

There was a huge propane explosion in Toronto a few days ago.  Not sure if you read about it but I know it got far reaching coverage.  Not my part of the city but it is where my Maid of Honour lives with her two little girls - and her parents are nearby.  Fortuantely, when I did get her, she was at the cottage.  So, she is safe.  Not sure what her place will be like though.  Apparently there is asbestos in the air in parts too.  Winning situation!!!!!!!!!!

Hope you are all doing well.  I have hair colour on my head right now that needs attention.  I use the wash out kind as I gave up dying about a year ago.  I am aging somewhat gracefully.

Looks like a nice day so it should be good for running errands.

Cheers!

DH is driving back to CT today.  He is just going for a few days but the dog and I will be in a bit of shock without him.  Hard to believe he has only been here for 6 weeks!  So much has happened.  I would have gone but I am back to work on Wed.

It is a rainy day here.  And i cannot get a handle on this waitte issue.  Seems I eat well, gain weight.  Eat poorly lose weight.  Eat normally, lose or gain weight.  Two steps forward, one , two or even three back.

On a brighter note, the dog is losing waitte!  Perhaps he can give me pointers!!  The vet is thrilled!  He is due to start thyroid meds so should be at normal waitte in a few months!

Just ordered a pair of lovely shoes from Neiman Marcus online.  Got them sent to my mother-in-law’s address in CT as it is much cheaper than mailing them to TO.  Also Tomboy construction boots are on sale online at Home Depot.  Great for walking the dog!

Cheers

OK, 56 so far today.  Is there anyone we can contact at 3FC to deal with this??  They are spamming every blog I have written in the past 1.5 years!  OY!

Well, the MK business is puttering along.  I actually made top 10 in sales in my unit last year. More due to the lack of work of anyone in the unit than my great achievements, still, a prize is a prize, right?!  My goal this year is to win prizes.  Hey, I may as well have  fun!

Painting the hall is coming along.  I finished the walls and will now do the floorboards.  Ok, I have to touch up where in my impatience I pulled off tape too early and took a chunk of paint from above the door. No one will notice but me, but I will notice it every day!!!  Now my hall is a cheery yellow.  Not everyone’s taste, but I like it.  It is the same colour as the kitchen.  In fact, the only colour I am not overly thrilled with is the one I chose for the bathroom.  Someone before me had painted/stenciled a shell motif along the top and I decided to try to make the wall look like sand to match.  It is more a nude skin tone colour than sand, but c’est la vie.  Hey, it is a rental after all.

Still slimfasting but TOM must be approaching as I was starving and craving yesterday.  Funny how we can overindulge that once and actually lose 1/2 a pound and work so dilligently other days only to go up 1/2 a pound.  I think the former is to lull us into a sense of thinking we can eat it all and still lose.  Somewhere there is a fat god/goddess just having a blast at my expense!

OK off to paint floorboards.

Have a good one!