Fighting the Dark Cloud of pudge!!

Was I successful in my endeavours of the day?  Sort of.  I did not buy anything en route home. I was held up at work so could not walk the entire 5km and make it home in time for dinner.  Once I got home, I ate….and ate..  Still it was a small victory today.  I did manage to get through the day and not bow to temptations.  Now I need to focus on getting through the evening.

Watched The Holiday http://www.sonypictures.com/homevideo/theholiday/  How Cameron Diaz can be alive and that thin I do not know.  BUT it was a great feel good movie.  I love Kate Winslet.  Watch it when you need a boost.

 Tomorrow is another day!
Shari

OK, it is time to “just do it” (not that I, in any way, support Nike’s taking advantage of children in third world countries!).  I have packed a wholesome low calorie/fat lunch.  I am not going to stop and eat something bad en route home (I hope!).  My plan is to talk the 5km home (I have done it before….although it might rain….). 

I have a job interview on Monday.  At this time I have only one pair of dress pants I can fit into.  They are nice.  They look fine.  They are a bit too heavy for this humid weather.  On the other hand, everything is too heavy for this humid weather.  So, I will try to stick to my weight loss plan so that this situation (the clothes not the interview) does not happen again.  Also, I would really like to lose some weight before my boyfriend and I go back to England this summer.  The look on my cousin’s face when he saw how big I had gotten… well, not a fun experience!  And this year we are going to Paris too!!  Yipee!

I am reading “Talk tothe Snail”- a cute and humourous book about France, and Paris.  http://www.amazon.com/Talk-Snail-Commandments-Understanding-French/dp/1596913096   In the book the author points out that kids in France are fed normal meals at school for lunch.  They have fries only once a month.  I look at what our kids are eating in my school caf. (and there are some somewhat healthy choies) and think the government should really change some priorities.  If we were all trained to eat well at a young age- role modelled at school (or taught, depending on the home!) maybe we wouldn’t have the obesity rate and the health problems we have now in our population.  Food for thought???

 Have a great day.

Shari

Have you ever thought about how much in your life you could do if you did not spend so much time on the concept of dieting?  Thinking about it.  Doing it. Talking about it.  Blogging about it?

Women are amazing mulittaskers….we accomplish great things.  You would think that the very idea of wasting so much time on something like dieting would go against everything we believe in.  Perhaps this is why there is not world peace?!!  We are too busy trying to lose weight to take over the world’s governments!

If people came to us and complained about any other thing as much as we do about dieting, we would tell them to get a grip on the situation and move on.  “Don’t let it take over your life like that!”  Wouldn’t we?? I know I would.  How  did weight get to be a category of its own in our lives; with its own rules and agenda?

 Something to think about!

Shari

Whyis it that when food is placed in front of me I HAVE to eat it?  I clear my plate at any meal…regardless of how much food is on it.  Wait, yesterday there was too much for even me to eat at the brunch Iattended.  I had the eggs benedict but was going to leave the two pancakes untouched.  I said “was going to” because I did have a bite of each. 

 But back to the question at hand(as this was the exception and not the rule).  I had a lunch meeting- work session more aptly.  I gave myself the little pep talk before I left for it.  Only one scoup of potato salad and a fair amount of the green salad.  I only took one 1/2 sandwich- turkey breast.  So far so good.  Then I had the Nanimo bar and some fruit.. Later in the afternoon I took the 1/2 chocolate muffin.  It was calling to me.  Keep in mind that the 1/2 muffin would have ben an ample full muffin in normal portion sizing.  Then they put down a plate of jujubes and little chocolate bars.  As the meeting progressed my hand kept reaching.  I was hoping I didn’t look like too much of a pig…but I couldn’t help it!  Four little packs of smarties later…. 

At that point I figure the day is a write off.  Sadly this happens all too often.  Why is it so hard for me to complete one GOOD diet day???  God forbid I should try for two!

 Any thoughts any one? 

 Shari

It has been a few days since I last logged in.  I had another “chocolate moment” in my exploration of my relationship with chocolate.  When I was STARVING after work, I grabbed a chocolate bar.  Ok,  not a HUGE revelation, but once again I stopped and thought about WHY I was choosing chocolate.  It is fast.  It does the job.  Made me think…hmmm…

Today I was at Costco (like Sam’s Club).  They had aero singles there.  I bought a box..ok, two boxes.  I want ammunition the next time I NEED chocolate.  A single is better than a double or a triple, right?  After all, I have to actually think between unwrapping singles whereas a double or triple has but one wrapping!

 Besides I have been having more stomache problems lately.  I suspect it is stress related from work.  Regardless of the reason, chocolate does not make it feel better.  So much for my theory that it is a magical cure for all ailments.

I will try to be more entertaining next posting!

Cheers

Shari

 It has been a few days since I last wrote.  I have been busy.  Work is chaotic- as it is on so many of our blogs.  I am too wound up to sleep so am sitting here downing warm milk and writing.

 Last week I wrote of my realization that Chocolate took me to a “happy” place.  I also discovered that chocolate is something I grab when I am hungry and in a hurry.  That poses a whole other set of issues and challenges to overcome.  AND, in all honesty, when I am stressed to the gills, I am not stopping to analyze chocolate.  No doubt that is what chocolate is waiting for.  Sitting there, like a stalker, waiting until you are overworked or stressed or just letting your guard down…..

I am trying to destress a bit.  Building destressers into my life.  Really, it is a necessity- not just from a weight point of view.  My jaw is tensing and I thought I was getting an ulcer over the weekend.  I had one about 20 years ago (was I ever that young??) so know the intense gnawing feeling it gives you.  My plan was to go to bed early, but no one told my brain to stop thinking.  Damn you, intelligence!!  Usually I try to walk home from work at least a couple of times a week, but as luck has it I have to take the car as I have meetings after work in different parts of the city this week.  I suppose I could use the treadmill downstairs (yes there is a FREE gym in my building and I still do not use it).  In my favour,  I did walk 4km this weekend with my old marathon training group.  It was not as satisfying as I remembered it last year.  *shrug*  Really, I need 8km to really clear my head…what can I say?  I guess I have a big head?!!!

So, once I stop to take a breath, I will get back to analyzing my relationship with chocolate.  In the meantime, the best I can do is keep it at bay….”chocolate?  Is that you???”

 Cheers

Shari

I really loved the comment I got on my last posting.  Such a simple and workable idea.  How did I miss it??  Thank you, Rain.  I will opt to have a few bite sized chocolates for moments of weakness.  The reason I should have thought of it is that I keep bite sized Mars bars or Milkways to fend off migraines when I feel them coming on.  Much preferable to Advil!

I did not have a stressful day so chocolate was neither friend nor foe.  It wasn’t on the radar!  (take that chocolate!!).  I have been thinking a lot about my relationship with chocolate over the past day or so.  Really, it is like an abusive relationship.  It makes me heavier…at times it even gives me indigestion!  But still, when it is nice to me, I welcome it back (only to have it go up and down my esophagus all night thus causing me to reach for Tums).  Chocolate did not always run up and down my esophagus.  Perhaps I had a honeymoon phase with it (I have read abusive men start off charming too!).  Then when it knew I would not run, its true nature appeared….

I used to think my addiction to chocolate was my Mother’s fault.  (After all, why have a Mother if you cannot blame her for everything!)  She is addicted to chocolate too.  I used to say I had fetal chocolate syndrome!  And, thinking back, chocolate was a reward for when I was good.  So, of course, when I was old enough to buy my own chocolate I would regularly reward myself.  It made it so easy to blame Mom with that logic.

Still, even armed with that, I could not break the addiction.  Now, I suspect it is more related to trying to reach the “happy place” in times of need, stress and sheer desparation. (Perhaps I can blame Mom for not marrying royality thus forcing me to work!!!!!!!!!!). Armed with this new knowledge; this new theory; I am working to understand my relationship with chocolate. 

I did consider joining overeaters anonymous concerning this addiction.  I once joined them many many moons ago (was I ever that thin?!!) but found I did not really fit in.  For starters, many of the members are also drug addicts or alcoholics.  Chocolate is my sin- and I am not planning to adopt any others!  Secondly, people would stand up and tell stories of how they managed to toss a donut out after two bites, only to retrieve it from the garbage some time later and eat the rest of it. Sorry, I would just buy another donut.  (Call me frivolous!).  If I have offended any OA members, I am sorry.  Maybe it was just my chapter/meeting.  I will still look into rejoining, if I can find a group who do not eat from garbage cans.

But, back to my topic of the day….  I think armed with this new theory on my relationship with chocolate, and the ability to now (unlike even 6 months ago) pause to think things through a bit, I may be able to put chocolate into perspective.  In my mind, that is the first step towards really dealing with my weight problem once and for all.  Because, in all honesty, I am sure most of us have lost most (if not all) of our weight several times over- only to gain it back (with interest!!!). I want rid of the dark cloud of pudge once and for all.  I want to be the person people say “oh, but you wouldn’t know what it is like to have a weight problem” to!

Tomorrow, I will be back in the ring, trying to defeat the (choke) hold chocolate has on me.

Cheers (no chocolate martini today!)

Shari

The first step in my multistep (self created/creating) programme, is to come to terms with chocolate.  Today, as with most days, I was very stressed.  The first thing I wanted to do was to eat chocolate.  As I am trying to be more reflective of why I do what, I did stop long enough to ponder WHY it was that I wanted chocolate.  DID I REALLY want chocolate?  COULD something else replace my strong desire for chocolate.

 WHY I wanted chocolate, I realized, was because there was an instant gratification AND instant relaxation to a happier place.  Now I recognized that I could reach that “happier place” by sitting back with a nice cup of tea, but there were certain drawback to the tea idea.  Firstly, I would have to wait for the kettle to boil in order to make the tea.  And that, was not fast enough to give me the “hit” I needed that second to make me feel better.  Secondly, in order to reach the “happy” place with tea, I would have to sit back and savour the tea.  My workplace, as I suspect is the case with others, does not really permit one time to sit back and truly relish a cup of tea.  In my world, that happy tea place takes roughly 30 minutes to achieve.  Chocolate, on the other hand, takes me to a “happy” place once it starts to melt on my tongue.

DID I really want chocolate?  To this I would have to say “no”.  What I wanted was a quick trip to my “happy” place.  And chocolate was the ticket.

COULD something replace chocolate in this situation?  Well, yes, if I found a suitable and viable alternative.  Carrots?  Not likely.  Somehow my “happy” place is not carrot driven.

So, I am left wondering how I can either make tea faster, or if there is a viable alternative to chocolate.  There are the WW 2 pt bars, which often suffice, but at roughly $2 a bar- available only at WW meeting sites (yes, I do just walk in, buy them and leave as I am not a WW member) chocolate is a cheaper alternative - my ENTIRE chocolate orange was on sale at $3.99.  I am open to suggestions from other bloggers..

Inevitably, Step 1 will be somewhat longer than one day’s blog!  Consider this Step 1 part i!  (As I continue to sit on my ever increasing tush, eating some Terry’s chocolate orange  settling back into my “happy” place!)

cheers!
Shari

Perhaps I am just philosophical, but I cannot help but wonder why we continue to have this weight problem- all of us.  Each time I log on I read a few blogs. Some people list what they eat and berate themselves for having too many or too much.  Others talk about their journey.  (Am I only the one who immediately clicks the “back” key when I find a blog which lists the daily exercise and eating rituals?!!  I know everyone’s blog has a purpose in their own life…and we all have a journey,…but I find those blogs so depressing!  <If you write one of those it is only fair for me to accept that you probably hate my blog!>) Really, I see variations of the same blog (mine included) over and over again.  If only this was an obvious war where we could band together and take down the enemy. Imagine how successful we could all be.  Dive bombing them with our accumulative excess pounds alone…..

Yesterday was such a great day- until I realized I did not have the wardrobe to match.  Today was not so great.  My students are driving me nuts (21 more days until exams!!) and I had to go to a Memorial for a family friend.  Yes, I know that means I had two memorials in two weeks.  But honestly, I do not think I had a death aura!  I hope that is it for a while.  (besides next month I have to deal with my first Father’s Day without a Dad *sniff*)

The family friend had also been our Member of Parliament.  In a previous life I spent about 25 years in politics.  (I started VERY young as my Mom was a volunteer).  Isn’t odd how you can leave a “life” and when you glimpse back it looks so baaaaaad.  All the people I was “friends” with have moved onto being lobbyists.  They work every hour god gave them glad handing, but they make pretty good money I am sure.  Now that I am not in politics, I have no real use to them so I barely get a greeting.  These are people I drove across the province with, shared meals with, worked closely with.  Now it is “we must do lunch some time” brush off.  Not that I really want to be back in their lives, but perhaps I am oversentimental in thinking there should be a slight loyalty even to last one drink!

Of course, I left there feeling totally inadequate because I no longer was in politics.  Really, I do not know why I felt inadequate.  In my world I am doing ok.  I have a decent job, a nice boyfriend, a comfortable condo, AND the world’s cutest dog.  I do not spend my hours “befriending” people I do not trust or even like because they are a good contact.  (not that this makes them bad people). So, why I felt inadequate or why I even considered their opinion of any value, I do not know.  I do know I spent some time with my good friend, Cadbury Dairy Milk, pondering it all. Although to my credit I actually thought about whether Cadbury would make me feel better before shoving it all (ok, half a large bar) into my mouth.  A few months ago there would not have been a debate.  So, maybe I am getting better at dealing with these things. One must look at the small steps of success and be proud, right?

Emotionally and mentally I am trying to figure out how so many of us can have such similar problems and be on such similar journies with such little success.  Admit it.  Even when we lose some we feel compelled to overeat and get all those lovely pounds back in hugging distance.  Perhaps if I meditate on it I can figure it all out and then we can all live happily, thinnly, and more healthily ever after.

I just had a great day!  I am starting a long, but interesting and exciting, road to a promotion.  In my industry you must hop many hoops and I am through most of them- just the rings of fire ahead!  Several  senior people have come forward to mentor me.  It is such an incredible feeling to know that these people have such faith in me and such high expectations.

 So, once the excitement started to calm a bit I began thinking of, of course, the fact I need nicer clothes to wear. Dress to impress.  Well, with the last weight gain I am down to three pairs of jeans (one with holes now so I only use it to walk the dog) and one nice pair of black pants.  I cannot wear the pants every day!!!!!!!!!  As Pooh bear would say “What to do?  What to do!”

Amazing how something so good always seems to come back to weight.  I just think “do it once and for all” so the dark cloud of pudge will stop looming over everything. 

Why is it so hard?  What are we all afraid of?  Are we afraid or just unwilling to let go?  The last time I was successful on WW I realized that once I was successful I was rewarded with less points!  Once you reach a goal, your points decrease to match your new weight.  That is not exactly an incentive! 

Why is it so hard?  All those chocolates, and cakes, and cookies will still be there once the weight is lost.  It is not like Cadbury only has a limited number of Dairy Milk bars and once they are gone…..  isn’t that their easter egg ad?!

I have tried to think about the emotional and psychological reasons behind this unconscious desire to hug and hold onto every pound.  Maybe I am just not smart enough to figure it all out.  But if I (or we) do not figure it all out, then we are destined to regain all the weight we worked so hard to lose. 

The dark cloud of pudge is trickier than we think!

Shari