Wednesday November 26, 2008
SW:263
GW:165
TW: sigh 191
Yesterday was not a good day. I went off of my diet again. The second time in a month. What the Hell-o is going on with me???? I am usually very up, chipper, and full of the holiday spirit this time of year. Now I am not sleeping well, feel blue a lot, went off of my diet twice in the past month, and hate working out on the elliyptical with a passion. My attitude in general sucks! Hows that for honesty? That is usually what puts people off about me. I dont mind being honest about myself shortcomings and all. I don’t see the point of wasting time trying to fool the world into seeing me any different than I really am. Does that make me a bitc-? So when I fail who am I trying to kid when I will not admit it to others?
I am feeling guilty about even thinking of joining the workout facility because it means I am gone for two hours every time I go. 20 minutes to drive each way and the workout time. I feel guilty for taking this time to myself right smack during dinner time. I can try and prep as much as I can. I know that DH does not mind shoving it in the oven or watching the kids. My guilt is over he comes home and I run out the door. My guilt is my own making. Do I look at this like having a job and it is necessary for a while for me to do this? I don’t know. I was raised to let guilt dictate and run my life well guilt and fear. I guess that comes from the Irish catholic ancestors on my side of the family. Now I am blathering on. ENOUGH!
It is time for me to claim my life back. I am so sick of this feeling blue, feeling guilty, feeling like a failure CRAPPING nonsense. I am beginning to see what WILL define me. Not as much my life, or the hats that I wear but how I VIEW life, react to it, live in it, feel in it. Is THIS what defines our inner being???? If this is my epiphany thank you GOD!!!!
For all of you leaving today for your Thanksgiving destinations may God give you safe travels, may you be surrounded with the love of your family and friends, and have a wonderful time!
Toodles!
PS That Vicky from the Biggest Loser TV show. Is such a cheater and such a blankety blank!!!! VOTE her off people!!!!!! I so hope she goes below the yellow line next week!
Joy, I think if you are mulling over thoughts like this
“I am so sick of this feeling blue, feeling guilty, feeling like a failure CRAPPING nonsense. I am beginning to see what WILL define me. Not as much my life, or the hats that I wear but how I VIEW life, react to it, live in it, feel in it. Is THIS what defines our inner being???? If this is my epiphany thank you GOD!!!!”
it’s kind of understandable that you take a short break from your diet. What you are working in is big, my friend.
Are you starting to get the vision of how you want your life to be? Once that is clear other things (including the gym time) will fall into place. Trust yourself, I think you’re doing some important personal development right now
happy holidays!
I understand completely about taking time to go to the gym and the guilt it can cause. I don’t have the answers for you, just a bit of experience to share. When I first started taking time to workout every day I felt guilty and if I wavered in my resolve to go other things always filled the time. But as soon as I decided that I was worth this investment in myself…nothing really changed. My hubby didn’t forget my name, my kids didn’t feel neglected, the world kept turning. What I found was that MY reaction to it was more important than my husband’s. If I say “I’m going to workout” he says “ok”. And if I say “I’m going to skip my workout” he says “ok”. He doesn’t really say a lot
Anyway, long story long, we found ways to make it work and now instead of him asking me on the weekends if I’m going to workout, he asks me when I’m going to do it.
This isn’t easy but it’s important, you’re important.
I leave for my workouts during dinner time very, very often. When my husband comes home I am in my workout gear ready to fly out the door. There have been weeks where we literally see another for 20 minutes, 6x per week.
But you know - those 20 minutes with each other now are more rewarding than 20 HOURS with each other when I was miserable, morbidly obese.
My guy doesn’t complain, like yours. He’s happy I’m happy. He’s ecstatic I’m now longer a miserable mess. I create my own unhappiness just like I can create the happiness.
If we’re lonely for each other, which happens, I feed the boy before my husband gets home and we all go to the gym together. My husband is a grown up and is able to wait for dinner, my son enjoys the gym playtime.
Catholic school guilt is a beeyotch!