Cute, but fat.

“One Day when I’m skinny I will (fill in the blank)”…..

Sometimes I find myself in the trap of ‘one day’….instead of just living life now, for some reason I put off things until “one day” which really translates to one day when I am skinny/thin. Like for some reason I am not good enough as I am so thus, I can only pine for these desires and patiently wait for them until I am ‘thin’.

Here are some of my “one day” wishes:  To wear a pair of Levi 501 jeans,  to feel incredibly sexy in anything I wear, to look in the mirror NAKED and be happy,  to one day find a man who will like me at any size and probably the most significant is to walk with my head held up high.  I tend to look down when I walk.

I think most of the above items are doable.  Now the question remains do I achieve them now or wait for ‘one day’…..

Do you ever feel the ”pressure” to be on plan all the time?? If you slip, you’re liable to disappoint others.  “Others” mean neighbors, friends and family who have acknowledged your weight loss.  Today I had a neighbor shout to me “Hey, skinny minnie”. UGH!  I give her a friendly wave and felt a twinge of guilt.  I never ask for any congratulations or acknowledgement towards my weight loss.  It doesn’t give me a pick up or encourage me to keep going. In fact, it makes me feel like if I don’t do well, then I am a disappointment to all those who have said compliments. 

I’m still overweight. Sigh…..

Guess losing 50+ pounds and being under 140 pounds still is considered FAT!!!!

Luckily, I am not a jealous person. I do have envy sometimes.  I envy those people who don’t have any weight issues.  I envy people who eat to live, not live to eat.  I envy people who can finish a meal and not be thinking of the next meal ahead.  I envy people who don’t use holidays for a time to inhale food like there won’t ever be a Christmas again.  Mostly, I envy people who are comfortable in their skin, no matter what size. 

So I’ve heard.  I also think good girls finish last as well.  It seems in order to be considered a valuable person you need to be beautiful, skinny and have some HUGE assests, if you know what I mean.  The “Girl Next Door” hasn’t a chance nowadays.  A girl who has values, integrity and wholesome-ness can’t compete with a woman who is a bitch and rules the roost.  The bitchier you are the more men you’ll get. If you tend to be more docile, like me then you get nuttin’. 

In my case if you are fat, docent and have a huge heart, then forget it! 

 All these ‘blog’ ramblings are a direct correlation of being FAT! 

Fat isn’t Phat!

 Just an observation…..

The image of myself is very distorted.  I read what the scale says, I look at my accumulated weight loss and I still see a very FAT woman in the mirror staring back at me.  The message I keep replaying in my mind is: Men like skinny chicks.  Sheesh, I’ll never have a chance then.  What is skinny by the way????  Who determines the barometer for skinny??  What happened to all the chubby chasers of the world???  My self worth is at an all time low.  Apparently I am not worthy enough to get a man (if I wanted one to begin with) unless I am reed thin.  The more I lose, the more I am unhappy.  At least when I was heavier it didn’t even cross my mind that men only like thin women.  This recent weight loss journey is for ME!!!  Other times I’ve lost weight it was to please someone else.  Instead of enjoying the ride I am beating myself up inside because I am not good enough as just me. 

Who is the fatest of them all.  ME ME ME! As my body size decreases and a curvy shape emerges I still hide myself.  Still buying clothes in larger sizes.  I look in the mirror and still see a very FAT woman.  Imagine what I was seeing when I was indeed much heavier.  I am a work in progress.