I also snuck another look at the scale this morning and saw either 246.5 or 248…more proof that much of what I gained last week was water weight.  I’m not going to look again until Sunday and I’m not going to get cocky, I still know that I gained some actual weight.  But I’m glad to see that the damage wasn’t as bad as it initially appeared.

I hope the evening goes better than it’s going right now.  As I type my older son is crying in his room and I really couldn’t care less.  He has been doing so good in school lately after the disastrous week about 2 weeks ago that I picked him up a new book at the store.  I was looking for a little present and I didn’t want to reward him w/food so I figured a book would be a great idea.  He loves to read and he’s generally excited when his bookorders come in.  Not tonight.  When he saw what I brought him his face crumpled and he started bawling.  After a couple of minutes of that I told him that enough was enough and that when someone gives you a gift, even if you don’t like it, the polite thing to do is to say “thank you”.  Apparently he didn’t get it.  Oh, the joys of being a parent.

Progress toward workout goal:  75/250

Today has gone well.  I weighed myself this morning and was glad to see the scale is snapping back into shape.  I’m down 4.5 to 250.5  Still not back to the 243.5 from a week ago but getting closer.  Since I know a lot of it was water weight I would like to lose another 5 pounds this week. 

Food was good and I got in 70 minutes on the treadclimber for a burn of over 1350 calories.  I was a bit annoyed, however, at the chatty woman who was on the treadclimber next to me.  Normally I’m not anti-social, but when I’m at the gym I don’t want to talk.  Plus, she doused herself in perfume prior to arriving and kept blaring her tv.  She’s new, I actually think today was her 1st day, so hopefully she’ll pickup on gym etiquette pretty soon. 

I hope tonight’s episode of TBL is better than last week.  I actually turned over the remote to my hubby after about 15 minutes last week b/c it wasn’t appealing to me.  Hmmm, maybe the fact that I was diving head-first into a binge had something to do w/it, but I like to watch them working out and learning about ways to improve their fitness, not watch them hang out w/their kids.  Before you all condemn me to being a heartless wench, I’m the biggest softie there is.  I just wasn’t feeling it last week.

Progress toward workout goal:  74/250

7:45

OK, I’m going to get bitchy for a moment here, but for all of you that watch The Biggest Loser, does anyone else want to see Heba sent home?  I’m as competitive as the next person, so maybe it’s the pot calling the kettle black, but she needs to chill.  I was glad to see Bob tear into her for her choices in dividing the teams.

What the hell?  The only logical thing that makes sense is that the vast amounts of salt that I ingested over the weekend, as well as the smaller amounts of water that I drank, are contributing to some major water retention.  I do realize that I gained some actual weight, but not 12 freakin’ pounds.  Geez.

So obviously I am back on plan, hard core.  Of course today is goofy and I won’t have time to exercise b/c my younger son has a doctor’s appt. out of town but I am going to stay in control of my eating.  That will give me time, though, to put the finishing touches on my new workout schedule.  I realized (with the help of a few sisterchicks) that my previous schedule was not realistic over the long haul so I need to make some changes.

Got to go, baby is up.

11:15 am

I am publicly declaring that I am going to stay on-plan with food today.  Breakfast, lunch and snacks will be easy, but I’m guessing that I’ll be at my parents’ house around suppertime and that’s a danger zone.  To compensate, I’m going to grab a salad from a drive-thru and eat that.  I’m also going to pack some almonds in case I need to munch.

As far as my new workout schedule, the general plan is to do cardio (aka treadclimber) at the gym MWF after school.  I will put in between 60-75 minutes, depending on when I arrive.  On T/TH I will lift weights at home.  I don’t know why but I like doing weights at home and it honestly seems to be more effective than at the gym.  This should allow me to have extra time w/my older son b/c I can finish working out by 3:45 and he gets home around 3:30.  By the time he has a snack I’ll be ready to play.  Weekends will work as they always have, I can choose what I want to do but I need to workout both days.

I know this plan won’t work 100% of the time.  This Wednesday, for example, I am going to volunteer at my son’s school for a fun run.  But I’ll worry about those days as they come.

I’m going to post again after I get home so I can brag about staying on plan today with food.  I can do this, I can do this, I WILL do this.

7:15 pm

So far I have been on plan and it really hasn’t been very hard.  There’s something about confessing my plans to all of you that keeps me on track.  I still have a snack available to me if I need it and I’m hoping to be in bed w/i 2 hours so one snack should be plenty.  I know this is only day 1 back on plan, but it’s much better than being out of control.

But I’m slowly headed in the right direction.  Last night we went to a tenderloin fry and after trying a bite of the traditional tenderloin I discovered that I liked the grilled one better so I gave my sandwich to my hubby (I guess there’s a benefit to being married to a guy who likes all things fried ) and bought a grilled one.  And this morning I have already worked out.  It’s nothing compared to a traditional workout but it’s more than I did the last few days.

Today is beautiful weather-wise and we’re taking our older son to a pumpkin patch/corn maze/haunted barn kind of place.  I know we’ll be doing a ton of walking and having fun outside.  I’m also going to spend some time thinking of a better program for myself.  It’s great when I’m focused, I lose weight like crazy.  But I think that it’s unrealistic to maintain as the school year goes on.  As much as my temperament is to be the hare versus the tortise, I know that slow and steady wins the race.

Thanks for all of the support, you gals really do mean the world to me.

Progress toward workout goal:  73/250

My plan to ease up a bit but still stay w/i control is gone.  I’m still doing fairly well during the day but once school is over I throw in the towel.  Here’s why I think I’m stupid for doing this, here is what I know:

• I know how to lose weight (eat healthy and exercise)
• I know that I feel better when I eat healthy and exercise
• I know that I have more energy when I eat healthy and exercise
• I know that it’s really not that hard to eat healthy and exercise

But knowing all that I’m STILL choosing to eat crap (and lots of it) and skip exercise for the mall.  I don’t even really like shopping, it was just an excuse to avoid the gym last night.

I would love to say that I’m going to get myself back on plan today but it’s not going to happen.  My schedule is too weird today and tonight so I’m not even going to try.  Once again, stupid!  Instead, I’m going to make sure at least that I incorporate exercise into both days this weekend.  Hopefully that small change will lead to bigger things and then on Monday I’ll get back on plan.

The good news is I’m not avoiding this site, generally when I go off plan I don’t blog until the damage is done.  Lame attempt at progress, I know, but at least I’m improving a little bit. 

Hope you all had a better week than I did.

So a strange thing happened today, I didn’t feel like working out at the gym.  I still wanted to do something, but the idea of lifting weights or putting one foot in front of the other on the treadclimber was awful.  Normally, I would have made myself do it anyway, which might have been the best thing to do.  But instead, I went home and cut the grass.  It was a gorgeous day and the grass needed to be cut.  Then, I cleaned out our van and hung out w/my son.  Didn’t burn as many calories as if I would have at the gym but I had fun and got some exercise to boot.  I’m hoping, too, that by mixing it up I might be shaking up my body and make it burn more calories the next time I’m at the gym.

Food was ok today; my regular breakfast, snack, lunch and snack.  Supper was a pork chop, cottage cheese and broccoli/cauliflower/carrots.  Still healthy, so I’m pleased.

Progress toward workout goal:  72/250

Every once in a while I get like this.  I try to fight it for a while but that is part of what has contributed to the exhaustion.  It’s a CONSTANT battle within myself to be perfect w/my diet, even though I realize that I don’t have to be perfect.  This week is laden w/obstacles and I have decided to not fight them.  Instead, I am going to focus on making the best choice available.  I am still going to workout b/c if I don’t I could easily put on 5 pounds in 1 week.  Plus, I like to workout and it keeps me somewhat on track.  I’m even going to stay on plan while at school; I like what I eat and I’m not hungry during the day.  But I need a break at suppertime.  The frozen meals (WW, Healthy Choice, etc.) work well but I have hit a wall.  Instead, we’re going to bake pork chops tomorrow night and I’m going to make a batch of WW Taco Soup for Thursday night.  Nothing awful, just more calories than I would normally eat.  If I want dessert I’m going to eat it.  And since I know we’ll be eating out a lot this weekend and probably Thurs/Fri at school (I have meetings all day Thurs and guest speakers that I have to entertain on Friday) I’m not even going to pretend that I can be 100% on plan. 

Tonight I was on the treadclimber for 55 minutes and burned almost 1100 calories.  More of the same tomorrow.

Progress toward workout goal:  71/250

Turns out school was fantastic for my son and then we had our after school “date”.  It was fun, we played at the playground and rode bikes but once it was time to go home he got upset.  It wasn’t a shock to see this b/c going home meant having to share us w/his brother but it made it so frustrating.  I tried to keep in mind that it’s totally normal kid behavior, but I just wanted to shout at him “What more do you want??”

So food hasn’t been great tonight but it could have been worse.  My son and I ran to the store after my hubby went home to watch the baby and we shared a pretzel w/cheese.  I was just about ready to tell him I didn’t want any but it was easy to see that this pretzel was more than just a snack, it was something to do together.  And as much as I do not want food to represent love it wasn’t a battle that I was prepared to fight at that moment.  I was just about ready to throw in the towel and order pizza for supper (”after all,” my inner voice said, “you’ve already blown your diet w/the pretzel.”) but held myself back.  Instead, I ate my normal supper and then added 2 pieces of my hubby’s pizza.  Hey, I never claimed to be a rocket scientist.

If I had to guess I would say I went over today by about 500 calories but life will go on.  I will go to the gym tomorrow and beat those calories into submission.  I will be less tempted tomorrow b/c I will be in my regular routine.  I just have to keep myself focused all week b/c this weekend I have all but accepted the fact that I’m going to have to take a break from my strict diet and it’s so tempting just to take the whole week off.  But I have decided that my goal for this week is just to hold my ground and maintain.  I guess I can look at is as practice for the time that I hit my goal weight.

And as usual, thanks for all of the fantastic comments.  I don’t think I ever realized how hard it is to be a parent.  And I also think this is making me a better teacher b/c I know I will be more tolerant of the parents of my students now that my son is in school.

5:00 am Tuesday

I should change the title to “Slipped a lot”.  I gave into my feelings last night and ate anything that wasn’t tied down.  I could have resisted if I wanted to, I just didn’t want to.  Not the healthiest of admissions but it’s better than not being in control of what was going in my mouth. 

I’m overjoyed.  I didn’t check back but I think my weight last week was 245.5 so that’s a loss of 2.5 lbs!!  And this was during a week of taking a day off from eating right, 2 days off from exercise and having TOM!  In all fairness, I would guess that some of it is lost water weight from PMS but I still earned this.

Later I plan to workout b/c I think tomorrow will be the day that hubby and I pick up our older son from school to have some special time.  I’m not too worried about staying on track w/food tomorrow since I won’t be working out b/c Mondays are always easier since I’m back in the routine of school and I had my treat the day before.  Plus, I did it last week and that shows me that I can do it again.

Hope you all have a great day, I’ll post more after my workout.

1:20

I did the 4 Mile WATP DVD and added a 20 pound weighted vest to make it harder.  I didn’t really feel like working out but it was funny, my hubby just expects it now.  He got all of his stuff done this morning and then said “If you want to workout now go ahead, I’ll take care of the kids.”  He didn’t even consider that I wouldn’t workout.  That’s definitely progress.

It’s also weird that it’s my “free” day and I’m not eating everything in sight.  I used to almost feel compelled to binge on junk food, almost until the moment I go to bed.  But so far today I have had my normal breakfast and then some peanut butter on toast.  Normally I wouldn’t let myself eat pb so it was a treat, but a much healthier treat than I would normally have.  In a while I’m going to heat up some leftover hamburger for a taco and tonight I am having french fries, but compared to Sundays in the past I am making huge progress.  I honestly think I could let the french fries pass me by, but I’m almost afraid that if I do I won’t be able to make it until next Sunday.  I will be strong enough in the future to not feel obligated to eat treats even when I don’t necessarily want them on Sundays, I’m just not there yet.

Progress toward workout goal:  70/250

Wouldn’t it be nice if it were that easy?  I know that as a teacher I’m lucky to have a few months a year to not have to work but sometimes it almost makes it worse b/c I know how great life could be if I didn’t have to worry about paying bills.

Where is all of this coming from, you ask?  This morning my 5 year-old finally opened up about what has been bothering him.  Basically, he resents his little brother b/c his disease takes a lot of care and it takes my attention away from him.  Then, he feels guilty b/c he’s angry at his little brother who is dying and even at 5 he knows that you “shouldn’t” be angry w/someone who is dying.  Then he remembers how much fun we had over the summer when we did have time to hang out and he knows what he’s missing.  The next crazy emotion is being sad that his brother is dying and then you can add all the regular crap that kids go through and you have an emotional cocktail that would be a lot for most adults to handle, let alone a kindergartener.  I basically told him that I get mad at Kyle, too, even though I feel like I shouldn’t.  We were both crying and it was so sweet b/c he told me he had to go get something and he came back w/tissues, climbed on my lap and wiped away my tears.  I’m crying right now just thinking about it.

So we talked about how important it is to share your feelings no matter what they are.  I explained that his teacher, counselor and principal know about our situation so if he has these feelings at school he can talk to any of them.  We also are going to have him start talking w/his psychologist again and one day a week I am going to skip my workout so that hubby and I can pick him up after school together and do something before our nurse has to leave.  My MIL has agreed to watch Kyle for a couple of hours every weekend so that we can do something w/Justin and my mom and dad are taking Kyle all next weekend so we can have several days of individual attention.  I’m hoping that my parents can do this every month or two so that we can have a fun weekend.  If you’re so inclined, say a prayer or two for us that this plan will make a difference.  I hate to think that he thinks we don’t love him as much as we love his brother and I don’t want him to have any more problems at school.

Diet-wise the day is going well b/c per my usual, when I’m all emotional I don’t feel like eating.  I have eaten a healthy breakfast and lunch and also got in a tough FIRM workout.  I haven’t done it for a few months and was happy to see that I was able to jump up to 12 pound weights and complete all of the reps.  I used to use 10 pound weights and not make it all of the way through so I have definitely increased my fitness level.

I also sneaked a peak at the scale this morning and it read 244 but I’m still going to hold-off on my official weigh-in until tomorrow so that I stay on track today.  I also checked after my workout and I was down to 242 but I’m sure that’s sweat leaving my body, not fat.  But I’m excited to see what Mr. Scale says tomorrow, I’ll let you know what he told me.

Progress toward workout goal:  69/250