It’s all up to me

The latest weather report has us receiving more than a foot of snow over the next 18 hours.  Let’s just say that I’m not going to pack my lunch tonight for school in the morning.  This is the third time in a row that we haven’t had school the last day before break.  It’s nice to not have to deal w/the kids before break but the last day is usually pretty fun AND they bring us presents.  Oh well, I can’t control the weather.

I apparently can’t control my eating, either.  I made it through the day, turned down all sorts of treats and hit the gym for a 45 minute workout, burning about 900 calories.  Then I hit the store b/c of course you HAVE to go to the grocery store before a big snowstorm hits.  We honestly may not be able to get out until Saturday, even living in town, so I wanted to make sure that we had enough for meals and I wanted something easy for tonight.  Take’n'bake pizza, can’t get easier than that.  It was good, but I feel like a load.  I’m trying to walk the fine line b/t realizing that I have to relax my restrictions on eating to make it through the holidays w/o completely going crazy.  I know this is going to mean “starting over” probably dozens of times over the next 2 weeks but as long as I don’t completely give in I’ll be happy.

Hopefully, though, I’ll be able to get caught up on all of your blogs.  We’re not even snowed in yet and I’m getting cabin fever.  I can kind of see why Jack Nickolson went crazy in “The Shining.”

Progress toward workout goal:  131/250

We made it through the 1st snowstorm and fortunately have school today, not so sure about tomorrow and Friday.  Oh well, we’ll take each day as it comes.

This morning I had to get up early to workout b/c I have a meeting after school and since it was quiet I had a lot of time w/my thoughts.  In our basement there is a print on the wall close to the tv area where I workout.  The glass in the picture sort of acts like a mirror so I am able to watch myself (yikes) when I’m lifting.  Anyway, I was looking at myself this morning and tried to imagine what I’ll look like 6 months from now.  Then it dawned on me that I honestly don’t believe that I’m ever going to be thin.  I know that I have come so far but I have been overweight for my entire life and so I don’t know what I look like skinny.  It’s not that I don’t think that I have the ability and determination to do it, it’s as if I think my body is unable to be thin.  For some reason I think that working out every day like a crazy person and watching my food will just keep me spinning my wheels instead of moving forward.  Maybe that’s why I am having so much trouble getting smaller than an 18, it is the smallest size I have ever been as an adult.  So I am going to work on retraining my brain to see myself as being able to be a healthy size.  Man, I hope that this is the obstacle that’s keeping me this size.

Progress toward workout goal:  130/250

The last 12 months of weather for my state have been horrendous.  We had a record setting snowfall last year and accumulated 13 snow days from school.  We honestly went from Thanksgiving week until sometime in March before we had a full week of school.  Generally 1or 2 times a week we had a massive snow storm.  Then, this summer, we had a 500 year flood in our state.  I’m sure many of you saw footage from Iowa on the national news.  Luckily our town was spared any major damage but it still was overwhelming to see the town where I grew up under water.

This winter seems to be more of the same.  We had a snow day last week and it’s looking like we might have one tomorrow.  Then, it’s almost guaranteed that we’re going to have one on Friday b/c a big ice/snow storm is predicted for Thursday.  If we miss school on Friday it will be the 3rd year in a row that we haven’t had school the day before Christmas break.  Even though the kids are kind of crazy on those days they are fun and plus, kids bring us presents!  Oh well, I have enough candles and body lotion anyway

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Something funny happened today.  I don’t know if you remember but a couple of months ago I wrote about a guy that was kind of hitting on me at the gym.  I hadn’t seen him there in a while and had honestly forgotten about him but it turns out he’s a substitute teacher.  A teacher in my hallway was absent today so there he was, friendly as ever.  Still haven’t 100% figured out if he’s just nice or if he’s into me, but the attention is nice either way.

So after school I hit the gym and logged 70 minutes on the treadclimber for a total of 1399 calories!  I so wanted to break 1400 that I even sped up the pace on the cooldown but I was 1 calorie short.  So afterward I did a good stretch and some crunches so I know that I did indeed burn that last calorie.  I actually had to slow down the speed, though, b/c I wanted to quit after about 40 minutes and that never happens to me.

So much to do in the next few days and sadly I have to bake.  There is a bread that I make every Christmas and I think I would be disowned by my hubby’s family if I didn’t make it, plus, we give it as part of gifts to a few people.  So, if we do have a snow day tomorrow I know what I’ll be doing.  The good news is that you just throw all of the ingredients into the mixer so I should be able to get through it w/o eating cookie dough, frosting, etc.

Progress toward workout goal:  129/250

Well, the perfect week is ruined on the first day.  I came home from the gym and wanted chocolate.  Sitting on the counter was a partial bag of chocolate chips (I used them to make toffee for my hubby) and the Christmas cookies.  I put them in the freezer to get them out of sight and then saw the toffee that I made.  I tried 2 pieces and then put the rest back.  I so much want to throw in the towel and eat my way through the holidays but I’m not going to.

Santa yesterday was fantastic.  Our older son answered the door and he couldn’t see who was coming b/c the wreath was covering the window.  When he opened the door and saw Santa instead of shouting and being all excited he was in shock.  He just stared at him in disbelief and told Santa to come in.  Once Santa was inside he perked up and got all excited.  After Santa left the boys wanted to look outside and see his sleigh, I didn’t want them to see that Santa’s sleigh is a green Dodge Durango!  Somehow we were able to keep them busy so Santa could make a quick getaway.  I’m just hoping none of the other kids in the neighborhood happened to look outside and see Santa stop by but not pop in and see them.  But it was a wonderful afternoon and a memory that I’ll always treasure.

I hauled myself on the treadclimber; it had been a week since I had been to the gym.  I worked out at home but it isn’t the same.  I really need to find ways to get on the treadclimber 2-3 times a week, it does the best job of changing my body.

Another major snow/ice storm heading our way and they’re predicting another one for Thursday.  I’m guessing we won’t be in school Wednesday or Friday.  Ugh, at this rate we’ll be in school until the 4th of July.  Anyone else having flashbacks to last year?????

Progress toward workout goal:  128/250

The day has had a bumpy start but I know it’s going to end on a happier note.  Sunday is my day to sleep in but two times (while it was still dark) my older son woke me up by breathing on my face.  I’m sure every parent has experienced this but I sensed something and when I opened my eyes all I saw was his face.  Both times he agreed to go back to bed.  Later, I woke up to sounds bumping against my wall.  He had gotten in trouble and my hubby put him in his room, so he was sitting on his bed and kicking his feet against his bed.  This caused the bed to hit the wall and then I’m awake.  Grrrr.

We agreed that while I was working out that he would clean the basement since his buddy is coming over today and I actually hurled the exercise ball across the room b/c I got so frustrated.  There have been lots of tears on everyone’s part this morning.  Anyway, the house is finally clean, the baby has had a bath and now all I need to do is take a shower and get ready for Santa.  I’m so excited, I know it will all be worth it when we see the looks on their faces when Santa stops by.

For the week to come I plan to be perfect.  If I allow myself any wiggle room this week before Christmas the results could be disasterous.  The next Sunday our parade of Christmas parties begins and I’ll just do damage control.

Progress toward workout goal:  127/250

Today I basically have 2 goals.

1.  Workout.

2.  Eat according to what my body tells me, not unconsciously.

#1 is done.  I woke up a little after 4 on my own, I think getting up this early during the week is screwing up my internal clock.  I tried to snuggle back under the covers and started to hear a beeping sound.  It sounded like a video game but I knew that couldn’t be it…turned out it was my cell phone telling me I had voicemail.  Crap.  So I got up and did the yoga/pilates DVD.  It was really nice b/c I only turned on the Christmas lights, almost like candlelight.

#2 is going to be more of a challenge.  We have someone to watch my younger son so we are having a special day w/my older son.  He earned a free meal at Red Robin by reading a certain number of minutes so we’re taking him there to allow him to cash in his coupon.  Then we’re coming back home and making Christmas cookies.  Tomorrow is the day that his buddy is coming over to decorate and then Santa is going to stop by b/c he smelled the cookies.  I’m so excited.  I can’t wait to see the look on his face when he opens  the door and sees Santa.

I hope to catch up w/you all later.

Progress toward workout goal:  126/250

I am officially halfway to my workout goal.  I got up this morning and worked out before school b/c I’m not going to be able to tonight.  My hubby and I actually have a date!!!!  We can go to a restaurant that doesn’t have a drive-thru, I don’t know if we’ll know what to do w/ourselves.

So I’m going to try to savor this milestone even though I’m not happy w/my eating as of late.  I wish I had kept better track of my weight loss over the last year b/c I am someone who is very inconsistent w/losing.  I lose some, I gain some and the pattern continues.  Overall, though, I’m trying to remember that I’m much smaller than I was even just a few months ago.  This crazy week will pass soon enough and then I’m going for a perfect week next week.

Progress toward workout goal:  125/250

A few of you have experimented w/calorie cycling and I’m considering this approach.  I’m hoping it will help to keep some of these binges under control.  From the little that I understand it would allow me to eat more on some days while still feeling in control.  Sounds like it’s right up my alley.

This morning I got up at 4:15 as planned and worked out.  School went well and then I went to a holiday party after school.  I didn’t censor what I ate and although I definitely consumed more than my normal 400 calories I didn’t go crazy and I actually stopped when I was full.  What a novel concept.  Maybe just the pressure of not having to be “on plan” helped.

If anyone knows of a good book or website that explains calorie cycling let me know.  I want to make sure that if I do it that I do it right.

Progress toward workout goal:  124/250

I feel blessed to have so many wonderful and supportive friends on this site.  Even though we have a lot of friends and family to talk with about our son, sometimes it’s hard b/c they’re going through it, too, and I don’t want to make them feel bad just b/c I’m sad.  Thank you for allowing me to use this site to be completely honest about my feelings and not having to worry about how anyone else feels.  And I think we have somewhat shot ourselves in the foot (feet??) b/c we have handled this situation so well that people tend to think that everything is ok.  Granted, life is more stable now than it was a year or two ago but each day is still a challenge.  I still cry every day and I know it’s never far from my hubby’s thoughts.  By the way, if anyone is curious about his exact disease it’s called Canavan’s DIsease, you can google it if you’re interested.  And he has a website, www.kyleseay.com if you want to see pics. 

As far as dieting/eating, today has been much better.  I knew I wasn’t going to get in a workout after school so I got up at 4:15 to do the cardio/abs tape in Power 90.  I’m really starting to like this program.  I was hungrier than normal today but I have been able to control it, I’m sure b/c we were back at school and the day was a bit more predictable and scheduled than yesterday.

I also did some math and if I workout tomorrow and Friday I will be at the halfway point for my workout goal.  I had considered skipping my workout tomorrow b/c I’ll have to get up at 4:15 again but knowing that I can be halfway to my goal in only 5 1/2 months is motivating.  It also might do me some good to turn the 2 year anniversary of his diagnosis into something more positive.  So if anyone is bored I’ll be up kicking some butt at 4:15 am, give me a call

Progress toward workout goal:  123/250

I just read all of the wonderfully supportive and encouraging comments that my friends left on my last post and I feel like a total schmuck.  The day has taken a total nosedive since this afternoon.  It’s not even that I’m out of control, I’m just making bad choices and I don’t honestly care all that much.  What is going on w/me?  I have truly been thinking and I can’t decide if it’s that I’m worried that I’ll fail for the next few weeks so if I just give up or sabotage myself that it will be better or something else.  As I was forcefeeding candy corn (leftover from Halloween for pete’s sake) mixed w/almonds I tried to think what could be bringing this on and I realized that Friday is the 2 year anniversary of the day we learned about my son’s illness.  I don’t know if this could truly be the reason b/c I didn’t realize the date was coming until I thought hard about it but it must be something b/c as I started typing this sentence I have started to cry.  Even if this is the reason I can’t just sit here and use it as an excuse to eat everything that isn’t nailed down.  So as a new start TONIGHT I’m throwing away the rest of the almonds and candy.  Small gesture, but it’s a start.