It’s all up to me

Today has been awful, I can’t wait to crawl into bed and let it all be over.  It started at 3:15 when my younger son decided to get up.  We were at my mom and dad’s and I thought I might be able to get him back to bed fairly quickly but he didn’t go down until 7:30, 15 minutes AFTER my older son woke up.  Our older son and my hubby slept in the same room so my hubby didn’t sleep well.  Our son got to bed late last night so he was still tired, you can probably see the trouble brewing.  Justin, our oldest, could conservatively be described as stubborn.  He gets it from both sides so it’s no surprise that he’s that way.  Anyway, it was battle after battle, w/my mom commenting that she thinks we’re being too strict.  She at least has the common sense to say this when he’s out of the room, she’d never intervene in front of him.  But it’s laughable b/c she was definitely NOT a pushover mom.

Then one of my sisters called and long story short, her live-in boyfriend (who I knew nothing about) threatened to kill her and her kids.  She was taking care of finding a new place to stay for a while and then planned to go to the police dept. and file a report.  I figured for sure she would be able to get a restraining order and they said that she had to evict him first, which takes 30 days.  This is a sister that has always made poor choices w/just about everything so our family gets kind of tired of bailing her out of things, but I tried to be the voice of reason and remind people that even though she put up w/his verbal abuse for a while, at least she’s making the right choice NOW.   We can talk w/her later about picking better men but chewing her ass when she’s in fear for her life really isn’t all that smart.

Food wise-the weekend sucked.  But I guess I didn’t do as bad as I normally would have so I will call it an improvement.  I even chose a workout over a nap this morning b/c when I had the chance to lay down I knew I would have trouble getting to sleep, so I did my favorite TJ workout.  I still ate brownies and ice cream at my nephew’s birthday celebration, but at least I worked out beforehand.

Progress toward workout goal:  43/250

That’s how I’m going to have to take the weekend.  Tonight we’re going to a football game b/c my best friend from elementary/high school is being inducted to the athletic hall of fame.  Right now I’m wolfing down supper while I try to do about 1000 other things b/c we’re supposed to be on the road in 20 minutes.  I don’t know everything that is going to go on but I know I will face food challenges.  To try to counteract this I made sure I squeezed in 30 minutes on the treadclimber (550 cals) before I came home. 

We’re staying at my parents’ house so I brought a few DVD’s to workout to.  And then we should be home by suppertime tomorrow.  Send me strength, I’m going to need it.

Progress toward workout goal:  42/250

I got to the gym today and both treadclimbers were occupied.  Did these men (yes, there were men in the cardio section) not realize that I had a reservation at 3:00 for these beautiful machines????  I honestly panicked a little bit, and then realized that I could do something else.  So I hopped back on the stationary bike and pedaled my heart away until they finished, 4 miles and 16 minutes (and 179calories) later.  Then I was able to fit in 45 minutes on the treadclimber, burning 850 calories.  As I was finishing up, another guy hopped on the treadclimber next to me (yes, another guy in the cardio section) and I think he may have been hitting on me.  I’m still not used to that, but it’s nice to pretend even if he was just being friendly.

Right now I’m extremely proud of myself b/c I’m making good choices about food.  I always have a snack when I get home from the gym and today I was actually feeling lightheaded while working out, so much so that I cut my workout about 5 minutes short.  Anyway, I had a Fiber One bar and after that I was still hungry.  It was the “perfect storm” for binging b/c I was by myself.  I chose a low-fat cheese stick wrapped in turkey.  Yay, me! 

Progress toward workout goal:  41/250

I HATE CRICKETS!!!!  Bugs, spiders, snakes…whatever; they don’t bother me.  But crickets and grasshoppers gross me out.  Why am I writing about icky bugs, you ask?  Last night I slept in our guest room in the basement b/c I had to get up earlier than my hubby and I was awakened at 4:00 by a damn cricket.  It’s a good thing we don’t have cameras in our house b/c the sight of me chasing after a cricket w/my iron (the only thing I could find to smash it with) had to be a sight.  I never got back to bed.  I have been fighting a horrible headache all day, I would guess b/c of the lack of sleep.

Fortunately, though, the weather finally broke.  Yesterday it was 90 and muggy and today it may not have reached 70.  Thank God, I cannot imagine how bad my headache would have been if it had been as hot as yesterday.

Food was decent today and I had time to lift weights after school and put in an hour on the treadclimber.  From what I could calculate, I burned over 1300 calories!!  I ate more than I normally would for supper but felt ok about it b/c I had been so active.  Basically, I was craving a cheeseburger and we had leftover grilled burgers in the fridge so I had one.  But the key is, I had 1.  That’s a huge step for me.

Progress toward workout goal:  40/250

…you know the rest. Here we are, the 1st day after another weekend where I made poor choices. Too much food, too little exercise, eating for the sake of eating; the same old song and dance. Apparently I don’t want to be thin and healthy enough to make the right choices all of the time. I say I want it, but my actions speak to the contrary. Until I figure out how to make myself want it enough, I’m going to quit complaining about my choices. And if I’m being honest, it’s not 1 step forward and 2 steps back; it’s more like 2 steps forward and 1 step back. Looking at it that way, I’m still making progress, just not as quickly as I would like. Until I’m ready and willing to put in the effort I can’t expect to achieve fantastic results.

On a different note, thanks for the comments about the problem with my friend. I think I just needed validation that I had put in enough effort and that I had attoned for my “sins”. Now a new drama has entered my life, my SIL. This is the same SIL who used to avoid answering her phone on snow days so she didn’t have to watch our kids. Her divorce is finally settled and the plan was that they would pay us the $6K that they owe us out of that money, we found out last night that she has no intention of paying us. Of course we have no documentation of any of the money we lent them b/c she was my hubby’s sister who had always been upstanding and honest. We’re still making her car payment, for goodness sake! And we can’t stop making it b/c the loan is in our name, not hers. If I were her I don’t know how I would sleep at night, refusing to pay back money that I owed my brother and his family. We’ll make it through the money part, but I just feel awful for my hubby b/c one by one, the members of his family are turning into idiots and completely disappointing him.

Tonight I plan to hit the gym after school for an abbreviated workout, maybe 30 mins on the bike. We have open house tonight at school and I don’t want to get too sweaty. Maybe if I stink a little bit the parents won’t hang out and talk for too long!!!

6:20 pm

I’m at school now preparing for open house.  I do like meeting the parents but it makes for such a hectic evening, and then we’re back at it in the morning.

I went to the gym after school and ended up doing 30 minutes on the treadclimber.  I was so sweaty after school today that it wasn’t going to matter what type of workout I did.  And as we all know I’m addicted to the treadclimber.  550 calories, outta here!!

To answer a few questions from comments, we found out about my SIL not paying via my MIL.  She does get things confused sometimes so my hubby is going to talk to his sister.  He was dialing the phone as I left.  I’m hoping we got the wrong info, when I find out more I’ll let you all know.

Progress toward workout goal:  39-250

I’m not talking about diet/exercise, I’m referring to an ongoing conflict with a friend.  Just about this time last year I sent a nasty email to a friend of mine.  We had been friends since junior high and were roommates in college.  All 5 of us that were roommates have kept in touch and although we’re spread around our state we always made an effort to get together at least once a year, w/o hubbies and kids!!  Anyway, the reason I sent the email was b/c a week or 2 earlier was when my son had his big seizure and nearly died.  After that time this one friend (as well as my brother, but that’s a different story alltogether) failed to contact us, send a card, whatever.  It honestly didn’t bother me all that much b/c I know that often people don’t know how to react when kids and illness mix so I figured she just didn’t know what to say.  But then I noticed that my email inbox was being filled w/stupid political emails from her.  She and I are definitely on opposite ends of the political spectrum, so the emails annoyed me anyway.  But combing the ignorant messages w/the fact that she hadn’t taken the time to even mention the fact that our son had nearly died sent my blood to the boiling point.  The final straw was an email that arrived at a time where our son wasn’t sleeping and after a horrible day at school.  Basically I replied to her email that if she couldn’t take a minute or 2 to send an email acknowledging our son’s experience that she should not waste her time sending me stupid political emails.

A short time later I sent her another email apologizing for how I responded to her.  I still explained that I was hurt that she had essentially ignored our experience, but that I shouldn’t have been so harsh when I said it.  I told her that if she would rather talk about this than take care of it over email to let me know when a good time would be to talk and I would give her a call.  We have been friends for over 20 years and I didn’t want to lose her friendship.

Fast forward a year and I still haven’t heard anything.  We did get the generic Christmas photo but that’s it.  I sent her another card for her birthday in August and have yet to hear anything.  At this point I’m just about to the point where I’m done putting forth any more effort.  I mean, I don’t want to lose this friendship, but if 1 argument in 23 years can end our friendship then I don’t have enough time to maintain it.  A mutual friend knows the story and she thinks that our friend is completely being a drama queen and that I had every right to react the way I did AND I apologized for losing my temper.  I don’t even know why I’m writing about this, maybe I just want to know why she’s still so pissed.  Oh well, this may be one of the many mysteries in life.

I weighed in this morning and although I showed a loss (down to 254 from 257) I’m a bit disappointed b/c I know I would have been lower if I had been able to maintain my exercising.  But I’m trying to realize that it was essentially out of my control so I’m going to be happy that I have lost.

My friends out there know how elusive 250 has been for me, so my 2 week goal is to get out of the 250’s…FOREVER!!!  We have a family reunion 2 weeks from today and I am determined that when I get up that morning that the scale will say 240-something.  Not only will I be closer to 200 than 300, I will hit the 40 pound-lost mark if I’m at 249.  Somehow I have a feeling that 250 is more of a mental stumbling block than anything else, and once I blow past it there will be no stopping me!  So for the next 2 weeks I will be focused.  I’m still probably a day or 2 away from being able to wear tennis shoes to exercise (damn blisters) but that cannot cause me to throw in the towel.  I might be able to do a FIRM workout tomorrow since it doesn’t involve repetitive walking, just standing there and lifting weights.  Tuesday night we have open house at school so I’ll probably avoid heavy cardio just for the sweat factor, which gives me until Wednesday to get my feet back into the proper shape for cardio.  In the meantime I’ll focus on weights, pilates and yoga, and of course not eating everything in sight.

I have been sidelined by blisters.  When I wore my cute dress and shoes on Thursday I got knocked back down to earth by the damage that was done to my feet.  I truly thought the shoes were going to be comfy but I could not have been more wrong.  I have a blister on my left foot that is making it nearly impossible to wear shoes.  Yesterday we had a school spirit day so I was able to wear a t-shirt and shorts, which meant that I could also wear tennies.  I put some Liquid Bandage on the blister and threw a couple of bandaids on it.  By the time school was over I could feel the blister through the bandaid!  So right now I’m trying to do as much w/o shoes as possible, which is comical since I have to wear a shoe on my other foot.  I’m continually walking lopsided.  Anyway, I’m hoping the open air will dry out the blister so it will be tough enough to wear shoes soon.

So obviously I haven’t exercised for a while.  I skipped it on Thurs. b/c my feet were raw and had considered going yesterday after school but my hubby called and we had to pick out a new kitchen cabinet (long story).  I still have done my 10 minutes of pilates in the morning and I’m hoping this weekend I’ll be able to do a longer pilates/yoga DVD since I always struggle w/my diet when I don’t exercise.  But even though I’m panicked about not exercising, I know that taking this break will get me back on my feet more quickly than just pushing through.

I forgot my lunch at home. OK, don’t panic, I can improvise. Our cafeteria has crappy salads made up but I can eat it for one day. They also have wraps w/lettuce, turkey, etc. Between these 2 items I will be ok.

Also, people have made lots of positive comments about my dress!!! I’ll post more later after my workout.

I don’t know why but every person over 65 in our town today has decided that they can just walk into traffic w/o looking to see if anyone is coming.  I stopped at Target after the gym and next to Target is a grocery store.  In the span of 200 feet 3 senior citizens just walked out in front of me.  Normally stuff like this doesn’t bother me but I just about ran one of them over to teach them a lesson.

OK, that amount of hostility was weird.  I had a good day so it must have been the fact that I was STARVING.  After the gym (25 minutes weights, 45 minutes treadclimber) I normally head home and have a snack.  But the Target delay put me into serious hunger mode.  I actually felt a little light-headed.  So before I left the store I strolled down the diet aisle b/c I know they sell single-serving protein bars and I figured I could find something to eat.  I ended up buying a product called “Figamajigs” and I am in love!!!  They are figs covered by dark chocolate and I don’t know if I have had something so yummy in quite some time.  I love chocolate covered raisins and they are very similar.  They are super chewey, which is a huge plus for me, and a decent chocolate taste.  The package was only 150 calories, there are 2 grams of fiber and only 2.5 grams of fat.  Next time I go to the store I’m going to grab some more.

I have decided to take all of your advice and wear one of my new dresses tomorrow.  I’m kind of easing into it b/c the kids are watching a video for about 20 minutes of class so I can hide behind my desk if I feel uncomfortable wearing the more form-fitting dress.  Plus, the shoes I want to wear are new so I don’t know if my feet will hurt by the end of the day so it’s a good idea to try them out while I’ll be sitting for part of the day.  I’ll let you all know what people said…if they say anything at all.

Progress toward workout goal:  38/250