It’s all up to me

Do any of you get incredibly hungry about the week before your period?  I have never noticed it much before this last year or so, but that makes sense b/c I never really controlled what I ate.  So since I was constantly shoveling food into my mouth I probably never noticed that I shoveled more in 1 week a month.  Thank goodness we don’t have vending machines here any more b/c I don’t think I could have resisted.

I’m tired, it has been a long week.  Not bad, just long.  I can tell I’m going to struggle, but I will make it through.  Last night I was extra hungry (now I realize why) and ate 4-100 calorie size Kudos bars.   Yep, 4.  I’m logical enough to know that 400 extra calories won’t break the bank, but I’m still pissed at myself.

To top it all off I don’t feel like working out after school.  Me, the one who lives to workout.  I’m considering skipping the gym to go home and cut the grass, but I know that in my mind I won’t consider it as exercise and that sets me up for failure all weekend.  Instead, I am going to work my ass off today and push myself extra hard.  Treadclimber, get ready for a workout!

I’ll post more after the gym so that I’m accountable.  I can’t believe I’m saying this but I actually can’t wait for it to be Monday so that I’m through the temptation and unpredictability that the weekend creates.

4:30~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As the day wore on I started to look forward to my workout a little more.  I read an article on prevention.com about overcoming mental obstacles and it helped get me back on track.  I hit the treadclimber for an hour, averaging 3.5 mph.  I burned 1201 calories, then I did some ab-work and stretching for about 10 minutes.  I know tonight is still going to be a challenge but I now feel more confident that I will make healthy choices.  I will worry about getting through tomorrow when I see the morning sun.

Progress toward workout goal:  56/250

I’m WAY too competitive.  It’s actually a joke with everyone who knows me.  My hubby sets things up just to see if I can resist trying to win, then he just sits back and laughs.  At school, we have a badminton tournament every year against the kids and I’m the one diving around the court.  To demonstrate how completely overboard I go, when I was 7 months pregnant I took on 2 kids by myself and still had to beat them.  Last year my prinicpal was down playing when we were there and he actually refused to play with me b/c he heard how seriously I take the tourney.  I absolutely REFUSE to let 13-14 year old kids beat me.

So what does this have to do w/my life now?  I was at the gym tonight after school, feeling pretty good b/c I had just lifted weights for about 20 minutes and was on the treadclimber.  I bumped the speed up to 3.6, which on that machine is a pretty good clip.  Then, a girl got on next to me and she was going faster.  It took every ounce of willpower not to crank the speed up to where she was at.  How stupid is that?  So I kept it at that pace and put in my 45 minutes, walking 2.7 miles and burning over 900 calories.  That is definitely a good workout.

If I think of it I’ll bring up this tendency of mine the next time I see my therapist.  I’d be curious to see what he thinks it means.

Progress toward workout goal:  55/250

Well, I’m proud to say that I made it through last night w/little damage.  I had 2 sugar free puddings instead of one, but the extra 60 calories is fine w/me.  Reading some of your blogs and watching some mindless tv helped me through.  I hope tonight is much easier.

I’m still stressing w/the house building decision which leads me to believe this isn’t the time.  We haven’t even been quoted a price but I’m guessing it’s going to be a stretch to afford it and I’m too big of a scaredy-cat to rush into a decision like this.  I think that is part of what contributed to my difficulty last night, being overwhelmed and stressed, so I’m going to assume that we’re not going to build right now unless they quote us some unbelievably low price…either way it’s win-win.

Crunching all of these numbers, though, has turned me into an idiot.  About 10 times today I kept telling the kids “on your test tomorrow” (it’s Friday…you cannot imagine the panic on kids’ faces when they think their test is a day earlier) and then when I got my haircut I tipped my hairdresser 40%.  Don’t get me wrong, I love her and she does a great job, but 40%!!!!  Can’t you see why I’m stressed about sticking to a budget when I overtip like this~!

The good news is I got in 40 minutes on the treadclimber before I got my haircut, so the workout is done for today.  Hopefully I’ll be in bed in about 4 1/2 hours, I can make it that long.  The weather was gorgeous, the kids were good at school and my son brought home a note from his teacher proclaiming that he had an awesome day (it’s his 3rd so far this year, YAY!)  Yes, life is good.

Here’s hoping the good trend lasts.  Have a great night!

Progress toward workout goal:  54/250

We’re meeting w/a builder tonight so I won’t be able to go to the gym.  No problem, I know it’s ok to skip a workout now and then.  So what did I do?  I got up at 4:00 to do TJ Cardio Party.  Knowing myself as I do, I’m so scared that if I skip a workout that I’ll have so much more trouble controlling my eating.  Of course I know that I CAN control my eating, but I don’t feel strong enough yet to risk it when I have been doing so well. 

The idea came to me last night as I was trying to get Kyle to go to sleep.  We have a nurse that comes on Monday nights so I know that I would get a good night’s sleep.  Plus, Kyle went to bed early.  I made a deal w/myself that if I was able to get into bed before 9:00 that I would let myself get up at 4:00 and workout.  What did the clock read????  8:58.

I can definitely tell, though, that I’m less coordinated in the morning.  Not that I look like I belong in a nightclub when I do TJ in the afternoon, but I felt like a beached whale trying to do some of the ab-shakin’ moves.  Oh well, I did them, and that’s what counts.  Got to go hit the showers!

Progress toward workout goal:  53/250

7:00           I’m really struggling right now.  Today I was on cloud nine b/c I wore one of my cute dresses and it looked great.  Two weeks ago it didn’t look right but now it does, and I got a ton of compliments.  Now, for some reason, I’m getting discouraged b/c I realize how much further I have to go.  I would give my right arm right now for a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup, thank heavens we don’t have any in the house.  I had considered having an apple w/peanut butter but I’m going to try to work my way through it.  I ate a bigger supper than normal due to the fact that I was truly hungrier than normal, maybe that’s b/c I worked out this morning instead of after school.  I normally have a sugar free pudding for an evening snack so I’m going to grab that in a minute, after I read a few of your blogs.  I can do this, I just wish it wasn’t so hard.

Today is the first day being on plan w/o the pressure of having a perfect week.  I have to be honest, it was tempting to go for it again.  I like the security of having a regimented plan and allowing even a little bit of freedom is scary.  There were no real temptations until lunch when a guy brought some leftover olive dip from a party this weekend.  I love olives and even though I wanted to try it (his wife should be a gourmet cook) at first I told myself no.  Then I reminded myself that I didn’t have to be perfect and actually made myself eat a bit w/a cracker.  OMG, it was heaven.  So I took a 2nd cracker and loaded it with dip.  I could have easily eaten the rest of the bowl but I walked back over to my seat and just enjoyed the conversation.  This, in all honesty, is probably a bigger accomplishment than having a perfect week last week.

After school I was late getting to the gym b/c I had to stop and break up a fight on a street by our school.  I get so frustrated by families that regularly raise violent kids; it seems like the same kids in the same families cause the majority of the problems.  Yet it’s these parents who are the first to blame their child’s difficulties in school on us.  I’m not dogging on parents, I am one, and if you read my postings last week I do not claim AT ALL to have a perfect child.  But if he’s beating up kids after school you can bet that I will not give a rat’s a$$ about the excuses he offers.  But I digress..the gym.  I used my anger to pump out some extra weight and get in 45 minutes on the treadclimber.  Then I came home 15 minutes early and hung out w/my son.  It seems to be working.

One last little thing…I get an email newsletter from a dietician who also offers motivation and what she wrote today was so good that I wanted to share it.  The topic was all about being fearful of trying yet another diet after failing so many times.  She recommends pinpointing the fear and creating a plan to overcome it.  Nothing new there.  But then she suggested visualizing writing that fear on a whiteboard/chalkboard and then erasing it.  I don’t know why but that image is really powerful for me.

Progress toward workout goal:  52/250

Drumroll please….248.5!  I made my goal to be below 250 by today.  I also was PERFECT this week with diet and exercise.  Once I got through Monday it actually made it easier b/c during times that I was tempted I was able to tell myself “Nope, you’re being perfect this week.”  Instead of having to focus on being on plan for months and months to reach my ultimate goal, I was able to only look at this week.

As an added bonus, I pulled out some clothes from when I was at my lowest weight 3-4 years ago, 223.  The pants are all size 18’s and I was able to put on every pair.  Granted, I don’t want to go out in public w/them b/c they look like they’re painted on, but they buttoned and zipped w/o me having to lay down, suck in my gut, say a prayer, etc.  I would guess once I drop about 10 more pounds I will be able to add these to my wardrobe.  Since we’re really trying to pinch our pennies in case we have to move, this is like shopping w/o spending a dime!!!  And, it’s making me realize that my ultimate goal weight might be higher than the 150 I had earlier predicted.  If I’m about the same size I was years ago but still 20 pounds heavier, my body composition might have switched.  Oh yeah, I also dropped 1% body fat this week!!!

Now I need to make sure that all of my hard work doesn’t get erased this week.  I know that it’s impossible to remain perfect indefinitely and I don’t want to put the weight back on.  I vow to NEVER see 250 again on the scale.  Maybe I’ll make a bet w/myself that if I do I have to contribute money to the presidential campaign of the candidate that I don’t want to win (you can guess who that it is but it keeps me awake at night thinking that this guy might be our next president).  We do have our family reunion today and I am going to enjoy the food.  All of these farm women in my family know how to cook and it’s food I don’t generally have a chance to eat.  But I have to make sure that I don’t become a gluttonous pig.  So I have already worked out this morning (pilates/yoga DVD) and ate a healthy breakfast.  I’m also bringing a fairly healthy salad to share.  Actually, I’m going to share the recipe b/c it’s low fat, super easy and can work as a salad or a dessert.

1 can light cherry pie filling (blueberry would also be yummy)

1 can fat free sweetened condensed milk

1 8-oz carton light cool whip

chopped nuts for topping

Mix the 1st three ingredients and sprinkle the nuts on top.  Refrigerate and serve.  Voila, that easy!

I actually skipped the nuts this time b/c I couldn’t find the ones I like and it will be lower in calories.

Have a great Sunday, chickies!  Progress toward workout goal:  51/250

Today was the 50th day I have worked out since July 4th, which means I’m 20% of the way to my goal of exercising 250 days before next July 4th.  While I was in the shower (after a kick-ass TJ workout) I mentally counted the days, and I think I figured that there were 285 days until next July 4th so I should be able to easily make my goal.  Right now I have about 7 hours until I’ll go to bed and I will have completed my perfect week.  I’m so excited to weigh-in tomorrow.  Even though I saw 249.5 yesterday and I have worked out and eaten well today I’m still not 100% sure that I’ll be below 250, but I know that if for some reason I’m over it will be b/c of something weird like water retention and not something that I did. 

Now the focus will have to be on maintaining this momentum.  We have a family reunion tomorrow and Sunday is normally my “cheat” day anyway, so I’m just going to focus on enjoying what I eat and not going hog wild.  I’m toying w/the idea of having a perfect week every month; any more often and I think it would be too overwhelming.  I’m also wanting to be below 225 by the end of the year, I have 3 1/2 months to accomplish that goal.  I think from now on I’m going to take everything in 25 pound increments, if I focus on the fact that I still have about 100 pounds to lose I think I’ll get discouraged.

The baby is getting fussy so I’m hoping I’ll have more time later to catch up on what you guys are doing. 

Progress toward workout goal:  50/250

If you could see me now, you’d see me sitting on my living room floor with a goofy smile on my face.  The weekend is here but for the first time in a while I know I have the ability to make healthy food choices and incorporate exercise.  I have completed 4 1/2 perfect days and this morning the scale showed 249.5!  I’m not going to say I made my goal until the official weigh-in Sunday morning but 250 has been such an obstacle for me that I can’t wait to blow past that bitch and never look back.  We had our interview for the Children’s Miracle Network telethon in our area and I’m very pleased w/my responses.  I didn’t say “um” every other word and I didn’t cry!  And then, when we got home I did TJ Cardio Party.  It has been forever since I have done that workout and I forgot how much fun it is AND how much it kicks your butt.  I’m stinky and sweaty but I haven’t felt more beautiful in quite a while.

I’m sure the other shoe will drop at some point in time but I’m savoring the moment.  Hearing the stories from the telethon all week of parents who have lost children makes me realize that I need to savor every moment.  I have a wonderful husband who loves me and would do anything for me, a job that I look forward to doing every day and wonderful friends.  My health as well as my appearance is improving and I now know that I have the ability to continue improving.  When I officially weigh-in on Sunday below 250 (I’m guessing 150 is a healthy weight for a muscular gal who is 5′7″) I will have fewer than 100 pounds to lose.  It has been over 3 years since I have been able to say that.

Hope you all have an equally uplifting Friday night and weekend!

Progress toward workout goal:  49/250

I’m not kidding.  I think we’re handling things the right way with our older son but I would love it if an expert watched everything and told us “Yep, he’s just being a normal 5 year-old.”  Generally he’s a good boy, and to my knowledge he has only gotten in trouble once in 2 years at pre-school and so far not at all at kindergarten.  But at home he is showing about 5 different personalities.  Part of his problem is that he is very smart (I know, all parents think that, but he taught himself how to read at the age of 4 and can already do subtraction).  We have never babied him and so he speaks like a much older child so I think we forget sometimes that he’s still a little boy.  Add in the fact that he started school this year, which dramatically cut down the amount of time we have to hang out, and the fact tht he hasn’t been sleeping well lately, and you have a recipe for disaster.  The details of what happened tonight aren’t important, just the fact that I’m at my wits end.  I’m proud to say that I kept my emotions under control and didn’t lose my temper, even though every urge in my body wanted to drop the f-bomb at him about a million times.  I just always wonder if we’re being effective in teaching him the lessons that we want him to learn.  I go back and forth between thinking we should explain things to him vs. pulling out the old school “because I said so” in order to make him realize that there is a pecking order in life and that grown-ups are not on the same level as kids.  AAAARGH!  And I’m sure the fact that I’m a teacher adds to this b/c I know what kids turn out like when their parents don’t discipline effectively.  I absolutely DO NOT want to be one of those parents who make excuses for their kids’ behavior b/c they’re too smart…not challenged enough…whatever. 

I’m also struggling w/this b/c I know that if I didn’t spend so much time working out that he and I would have more time together.  I honestly do not feel guilty about taking time for myself, I have finally come to the understanding that I not only deserve time to myself but that I NEED it.  What’s frustrating, though, is that no matter how much time I sacrifice to spend with my older son he won’t feel it’s enough.  I mean, he’s only 5, he’s always going to want more attention.  What I have decided that I’m going to do is cut my workouts short by 15 minutes.  So instead of getting home at 4:30 (when our nurse leaves) I’m going to be home by 4:15 at the very latest.  It will still allow me at least an hour for a workout which is obviously adequate.  What I have to figure out is how to get him to understand that when our “alone” time is up it’s not b/c I don’t want to be w/him anymore, it’s just that I have to help w/adult stuff like supper, laundry, etc.

Man, I always looked at adults and thought they had it so easy.  How wrong I was.

Food/exercise-wise life is good.  I chanced it and took a sneak-peek this morning and saw 250.5.  I still am perfect for food and workouts.  I honestly don’t know if I have ever had 4 (well, 3 1/2) perfect days in a row.  I modified my weightlifting to do one set of heavier reps instead of 2 sets of lighter weights.  I read that mixing it up like that keeps your body guessing which is what we want.  Then I finished it up w/55 minutes on the treadclimber.

Progress toward workout goal:  48/250

PS–Is anyone else watching “Big Brother”?  I am sick to my stomach right now.  I think that Dan is one of the most despicable characters on tv.  I know it’s reality tv but he hides behind the Catholic school teacher facade and pretends to be so moral.  Plus, he thinks he’s so damn smart and he’s just a cocky jerk.  I think I’m just frustrated b/c I don’t like seeing people like that being rewarded and he has been.  Personally, I would have to think that the school where he teaches might have to talk w/him regarding his unethical behavior (I used to teach at a Catholic school and I know that we signed a morality clause.)  I can’t believe I’m getting this worked up over reality tv…it has definitely been a long night.

Today was a tougher test and I’m proud to say that I came through.  We had early dismissal at school and for lunch they were selling soup/sandwich/cake to support Alzheimer’s research.  I was going to go for the feeling of belonging but then realized that would be silly.  After school I had to shorten my workout but my hubby said it was ok for me to come home a bit late so I got in 45 mins on the treadclimber.  I bumped up the speed to 3.5 and bumped the treadles up to max during the commercials.  I have done this the last few days and I can really feel it in my legs.

Right now we’re trying to decide if we’re going to build a new house or stay here.  Basically, w/our son’s wheelchair we have realized our driveway is pretty dangerous.  I would say it shoots up from the street with at least a 30 degree angle, and when the school bus starts picking him up it could be a problem during the winter months.  The main problem, though, is that my hubby is still in school and even if he gets a teaching job we won’t have a 2nd paycheck until next September.  So for now we’re just going to meet w/a few builders to see if it’s even an option.

Progress toward workout goal:  47/250