I guess I’m more normal than I thought
I read an article yesterday that made me happy and sad all at the same time. It was a research study that was all about marriage. Some positive things were than many, many couples (something around 80%) were staying together b/c they were happy and truly loved each other. But the stat that struck me was that about 40% or so of the couples have sex less than once a month. Sadly, that’s where we are. For those of you who have been w/me for a while you know that this is a regular issue w/i my marriage and I’m sad to say it’s back.
Like I say, the study made me feel better b/c here I was, thinking that everyone else but us was having sex all of the time. But it makes me sad to know that so many people are living w/o this part of their lives. After the last time that this problem reared it’s ugly head I spoke w/my hubby about the lack of our sex life. I told him that I realized that we face challenges that ordinary couples don’t have to face but that we either have to decide to accept our reality and find ways to incorporate affection or let it win. I told him that even more important than actual sex to me was to have him just touch me more often; a hug here, a squeeze there. Something that lets me know that he’s still attracted to me.
Well, that worked for about a day. I am tired of being rejected so I have quit asking. I’m kind of doing a little experiment to see how long we go if I don’t initiate things. I know this is childish and unhealthy, but my ego can’t handle having my hubby turn me down for sex. When the next big conversation happens about this, I will ask him if he’s having an affair or if he’s gay, although I would bet my life that the answers to both questions will be “no”. I think the main culprit is that he is tired for legitimate reasons, but also the fact that he eats like crap and doesn’t exercise so he doesn’t have enough energy at the end of the day. He’d rather sit on the couch and watch baseball or the news.
Another issue that I am finally willing to admit is that I worry if that continue this lifestyle that I won’t remain faithful. There, I said it. I love him more than anyone and I know that he loves me, but he doesn’t make me FEEL loved. Even at my heaviest I never had problem getting male attention and as I lose more weight I’m getting it more often. I truly am afraid that as I get further in this process that I will make a bad choice. I’m also afraid that admitting this fear will make me more likely to sabotage myself. And although I have considered sharing this info w/him, I don’t think it’s the right way to go and may make him more likely to sabotage me.
AAARGH, too much for 4:30 on a Saturday morning. Sorry for the recap of the sad state of my lovelife, I’ll post more later after I have worked out.
12:30
I love how I feel after a great workout and I have to say that I kicked my own ass today. I only was able to lift 2x at the gym this week so I did Hi-Def Sculpt from my FIRM series and used 12 pound weights. I know I’m going to feel it tomorrow. Then, just to add a bit of cardio, I did the 20 minute TJ workout.
I also decided to continue my quest for perfect today. Last night I was really wavering and felt like throwing in the towel. I was almost ready to suggest that I needed to run errands just so I could go to the store and buy this gourmet chocolate chip cookie that I LOVE. I decided against it but promised myself that if I still wanted it today that I could have it. Now that I’m this close to my Sunday weigh-in I don’t want it. I don’t want to get too cocky, though, b/c this was about the time last week when my resolve crumbled and I pounded snack after snack.
Progress toward workout goal: 64/250
Well this sucks. I hope you can get to the bottom of it & figure out what’s going on with him.
I am sorry that you are going through this. From what I see from your writing you seem like a truly wonderful person. You give so much of yourself and love your family so much. You do not deserve this treatment. I hope that you can get to the bottom of this with him and figure out a way to resolve this. You take care
Joy
Hi, Brandie!
Thanks for the encouragement. I was going to respond to your comments but then, I read your latest blog.
I think your third paragraph is probably right. He’s a couch potato, out of shape, out of energy, and content to let things ride. Even so, I think you have legitimate reason to be concerned. DH had an affair when we were in our 30s. It was a devastating thing to go through. Like you, I kept feeling hurt and rejected and I had a feeling that something was wrong but I loved my husband so much and trusted him so much that I actually felt guilty for thinking something might be going on. We’d been married for ten years and I felt secure in my life. I kept a beautiful home, took care of the kids, held down a full time job, and did my best to look good. I hadn’t let myself run down and lots of men were making passes so I know I was attractive but I never even gave them the time of day. Some of my friends and family dropped hints and I defended him to all of them.
He came to me and told me about the affair. He wanted to “confess” and let me know that it was a mistake and he’d told her it was over. It was one of my close friends. I can’t tell you how hard it hit me. I felt like one of the foundations of my entire belief system had collapsed. He told me it was nothing I had done and there was no reason for it. He loved me and only me and it had just happened. That actually made it worse because I thought that if I’d been doing everything right and it had still happened, then there was no guarantee that it wouldn’t happen again. I felt so ashamed because I had ignored my instincts and I knew that the entire time I’d been defending him to everyone, they’d probably been thinking I was a total idiot. Of course, he wanted me to forgive and forget but I couldn’t do that. I really couldn’t decide what I wanted to do but I was furious that I had to think about how I would support myself and my kids if I left him. He provided 2/3s of our income and I didn’t know what I would do if I didn’t have him there to help support us.
I finally decided that I had to get away from him and clear my head. I told him to leave and he did. In the days and weeks that followed, I did a lot of soul searching. I decided that I would NEVER put myself in the position of not being able to support myself and my kids again. I enrolled in college and put myself first for the first time in my life.
I have to give DH credit. He knew he screwed up and he knew he had to do a lot to keep me in his life. He stayed with his sister and gave me every penny he earned. He took care of the kids when I was in class and he never stopping begging me for another chance. We were separated for 4 months. It took that long for me to be able to figure out what I wanted and I wanted him. He’d always been there for me. He’d always loved and cared for me and he was determined to do everything he could to try to make things right again.
We survived and we both learned some important things. You can’t let things just “happen”. You can’t try to be a superwoman and think that’s going to make everything perfect. You can’t count on anyone to take care of you. You have to make sure you’re able to take care of yourself. DH and I made it work again. I came through it a different woman and he came through it a different man. I found a confidence and level of self respect I’d never had before and we both learned to appreciate and protect what we have because it can be lost very easily.
I don’t think about it too much anymore. It was a long time ago and it never happened again. The one thing that hurt me so bad was that I put him before me. I defended and trusted him even though it meant denying my own instincts and feelings. I came out of the whole thing with a firm belief in myself and my instincts.
In short, the one thing that I want to convey to you is to listen to your heart and pay attention to your instincts. Something is not right and you know it. Perhaps he’s having an affair, perhaps he isn’t…the important thing is that you’re hurting and you know what’s happening is not right. Even if he’s just tired and out of energy, he’s not treating you right. You deserve love and respect and it’s obvious that you’re hurting. That’s not right.
I’m sorry that you’re struggling. I know it’s hard to over come the childish “testing” that you were talking about, but I would bet you’ll be more successful if you’re just very blunt and straightforward and say THIS IS WHAT I NEED. I don’t think I’d throw in the OR I MIGHT FIND IT ELSEWHERE part, though : )
Also, though ultimately you’d like him to be the one initiating, I think the more you go out of your way to be the one doing the touching and squeezing, it becomes contagious. Lead by example, even when you don’t want to be the initiator.
Just my 2-cents, so take it for what it is worth. I can tell you, I’ve been in a bad marriage and I’ve been in (am in) a good one, and when it’s BAD you know it’s BAD. It doesn’t sound like yours is bad, sounds like it’s a rough spot. And as I am sure you know, when it’s GOOD it’s really GOOD, and worth working for.
Hugs,
Shana
Well, congrats on not giving up on getting healthy through all this turmoil. That takes a great effort. I’m sorry your DH and you are struggling in the area of intimacy. It does sound like he needs to be exercising and moving more. My hubby and I went through this and still do sometimes when he’s struggling with depression. I just dig in and hold on b/c I know it will get better. Hope you get some answers soon. ((((hugs))))
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. To be honest, this is why my husband and I divorced. 5 years w/out sex finally made me realize I wasn’t going to live the rest of my life celibate.
I also have to tell you that your 4th paragraph is very true. I did have an affair. I told my husband about it, gave him every chance to say “no don’t do this” and he didn’t. So I did.
It’s horrible because we both still love each other, but he wasn’t willing to make the changes I needed and I wasn’t willing to live with things the way they were any more. We’re still great friends, but we just can’t be married.
brseay-
I expressed my same fears to my husband, earlier on in my weight loss - that if he didn’t give me enough attention and others did, well - don’t say I didn’t warn him.
Amazingly enough, he took it to heart. I guess I must have been pretty forceful.
He tries much harder now. The best part is that kicked his ass into getting off the couch and going to the gym. Working on his fitness has improved his self confidence and energy levels, the self confidence has improved the sex life. It still needs work, but I’m quite happy with his willingness to try.
Because in the end, I guess that’s what a lot of this is about, the willingness to attempt a change, make us happy.
xox,
Me