It’s all up to me

Today has been difficult for me.  I had to take my younger son in for blood work for the 2nd time this week.  Once again they weren’t able to hit a vein so I had to take him across town to a woman who generally takes blood from cancer patients, apparently they have bad veins.  After some major digging they were able to get the needed blood.  Kyle was such a tropper, he didn’t even cry. 

Then when we got home I wasn’t feeling like working out which is weird for me.  But I realized that it was because I was out of my regular routine and I told myself it wasn’t a choice.  I did a Turbo Jam workout, 10 minutes of the extra ab DVD from Turbo Jam and then Week 3 Day 4 of my walking program.  Fortunately day 4 each week is my favorite day (30 seconds of running and 1 minute of walking for a total of 32 minutes) so it wasn’t a chore to complete it.  I’m so glad I made myself do it, I like the feeling of accomplishment that it gives me, especially when I’m running.  And it’s nice that I’m not dying at the end of the running periods anymore, I could probably run for a couple of minutes if I needed to.  So for the record, that’s 7 days toward my goal of exercising 250 days by next July 4th.

Food has been difficult b/c I have been really hungry today.  I’m trying to choose snacks w/a bit of fat in them to keep me fuller longer (cheese stick wrapped in a piece of turkey, apples w/peanut butter) but I stared at the chocolate cake in the freezer for a bit too long this morning.  I was going to just take a bite, but I was afraid where that would lead me.  Since my hubby hasn’t touched the cake in about 5 days I’m going to ask him tonight if it’s ok if we just get rid of it. 

I’m still reading my book and found a few more inspiring quotes.  I borrowed this book  from the library but I have ordered a copy for myself so that I can underline, make notes, etc.  Here are a few inspiring ideas I found today:

• When talking about why we overeat or eat the wrong foods, she wrote Losing the weight will take too long, but eating cake is something I can do right now!
• Adhieving my weight-loss goal was going to take a long time.  But that was okay, because the new me was something I’d be for the rest of my life.
• …any time I started to wave in my plan, I reminded myself how miserable it would feel to fail again…any amount of self-sacrifice was better than going back to the way I was before.
• I knew plenty of people who had stopped and started over every Monday, just like I did.  It was as if we were pretending to be dieters, but eventually we couldn’t stay in character any longer.
• As long as I kept making progress, the speed of my progress was not so important.

That last comment is something that I struggle with.  In my head I know that it is true but it’s still discouraging when you bust your butt all week and then show a minimal loss or even worse, a gain.

I hope you all don’t mind the quotes, because as I keep reading I’ll keep on adding them to my blog.  Talk to you all tomorrow.

I regularly read diet/self-help books to keep myself motivated and I just started one that seems like it’s going to be great.  It’s called Never Say Diet by Chantel Hobbs.  She lost 200 pounds without surgery!!  Her main premise is that before you can change your body you have to change your mind.  There are several quotes that I think are worth mentioning:

• “I decided to first become a different person in my mind and then learned patience as my body followed.”
• “I didn’t need the unconditional love of strangers; I needed unconditional commitment from myself.”
• “We gain weight through a series of poor choices made on a regular basis over a long period of time.”

I’m hopeful that the rest of the book is as inspiring.

On another note, I was amazed at all of the comments about “What Not to Wear.”  Even though it flies against what they say, I have told my hubby that he has to nominate me when I lose this weight.  I am too much of a cheapskate to spend $5000 on clothes that will only fit for a short period of time.  And to answer one of the questions, I found my deals at JC Penney, Younkers and CJ Banks.

Today has been good, both with food and exercise.  I had to split my workout into 2 parts which I am going to try to avoid b/c it was hard to get myself back into the basement to do the 2nd part, especially b/c it was the treadmill and I’m so bored w/the treadmill.  But I’m in the 4th week of my walking program and I want to see it through the whole 6 weeks.  I tried the old trick of promising myself I could stop after 10 minutes if I still was bored and it worked, I got in the full 48.  Yippee!  So that raises the tally to 6/250 for my exercise goal.

I had an urge to go shopping today and I had the time so I decided to go.  One of my favorite shows is “What Not to Wear” on TLC, if you haven’t watched it you should give it a shot.  The basic premise is that 2 fashion stylists ambush a person w/awful clothes (they have been nominated), throw out their old clothes and give them $5K in NYC to buy new ones.  I have learned so many new tips on how to dress my body and I know I look better now than I used to.  What I really like about the show is that they always tell the women to dress the body you have now, not the body you want.  They also give tips on how to hide problem areas and accentuate your assets.  Anyway, I picked up a couple of cute (and cheap) dresses as well as some tops and a pair of jeans for $3.98!!!!  They don’t fit perfectly yet but by the time school starts they should be ok.  And they are a dressy style of jeans so they would be ok to wear to school.

So now I’m tired.  I’m hoping that the evening will go smoothly and I’ll get some good sleep.  The last couple of nights I haven’t slept very well and I can feel it.  But tonight is my hubby’s night to get up with the baby so I should be able to get some shuteye.  The big challenge for tomorrow is I’m going out to breakfast with a friend and I’m trying to figure out what to order and still stick to plan.  She’s a dieting friend so she’ll be understanding, so now I’m going to scour the Perkins menu online and figure out what to order before I even get there.  That will remove the temptation to order the double chocolate muffin!

Progress toward workout goal:  5/250

It finally happened, someone noticed that I have been losing weight!!!  If this was a scene in a movie the Halleluiah Chorus would have started and a light would have shone upon me.  After I came upstairs from workout out this morning (20 minutes of leg workout, 15 minutes of arm workout, 48 mins on treadmill and 10 minutes of abs on the ball) I was all gross and sweaty and our nurse said “Wow, I can really tell that you’re losing weight.”  I had on slightly more form-fitting clothes which is I’m sure what made the difference. She’s such a genuine person that I know she truly does see a difference, she’s not just trying to be nice.  So this makes me feel good b/c we’re not quite at the halfway point for summer and I’m making progress.  This WILL be the summer where I change my look and impress people at the beginning of the school year.

Progress toward workout goal:  4/250

Mr. Scale decided to knock me down a peg or two.  Sometime yesterday afternoon I decided not to weigh myself this morning, knowing that I most likely would not be any lower (and most likely higher) than the miraculous 256.5 from earlier this week.  As I said, I’m PMSing and I know I’ll be a bit bloated.  I didn’t want anything to discourage me from this awesome surge of momentum.  The angel on my shoulder was saying “Good idea, you’re not avoiding the scale b/c you’re afraid of what it will say but to increase the chances that you have a great result the following week.”  As soon as I got done patting myself on the back, that damn devil on my shoulder reared his ugly head.  “Well, since you’re not going to weigh yourself anyway, why not have an extra snack?  And the leftover pizza in the fridge, that won’t show on the scale by NEXT week, it’s harmless.  Your son’s licorice (it’s fruit flavored, kind of healthy), you deserve it.  Plus, it’s not your fault that you want all of this stuff, you’re PMSing.”  Why does the devil win every time?  So to punish him, I got on the scale this morning.  259.  Not too bad, but enough of a reminder that I need to keep it in check today.  Generally I give myself a little bit more freedom on Sunday, and I still will today.  It’s what allows me to be so strict during the week.  But knowing that number is in the back of my head will keep me from going hog wild.

I can’t go too crazy because I never want to see the 260s again.  At first I was going to say “I hope” to never see that number again, but then I realize that my wording could be contributing to my up and down fight with the scale.  Saying “I hope” puts the power in the hands of the scale instead of with me where it belongs.  If I don’t want to see 260 again, then I had better watch what I put in my mouth and make sure my feet stay moving.  So no longer will you see the words “I hope”, “I’ll try”, “maybe” etc. in this blog if it’s about anything I can control.  If you see me using these phrases, please call me on them.

Other than that, I’m going to fit in a small workout today.  Sometimes I take a rest day on Sunday but first of all, I don’t want to.  Secondly, I’m a day off on my walking program so I need today to finish week 3.  It’s going to kick my butt, but in a good way :)  I am pretty impressed with how much my stamina has improved in the running sections, but today I have to run for 2 minutes at a time for 8 times.  I can do it, I will do it, I’ll just want to die while I’m doing it:)

 4:30

This has been the longest freakin’ weekend on record.  I did fit in a 2nd workout yesterday but as I already wrote my food choices were subpar.  The baby didn’t go down for a nap until 2:30 today (he started getting drowsy around 9 am, no kidding!) so I am definitely going to observe our nurse tomorrow.  I feel bad that I’m frustrated taking care of my own child but w/my hubby being sick the only break I get is when he’s napping.  Plus, I feel bad b/c my hubby and older son are banished to the basement so we can keep it quiet, trying to get the baby to nap.  I’m sure I over-obsess about this but I am always so concerned that our older son thinks I’m choosing the baby over him.  Granted, I have 2 days a week where I can focus entirely on our older son but he’s only 5 for Pete’s sake, I’m sure he feels put out when I say I can’t play.  I always try to make sure that I don’t say it’s b/c I have to try to get Kyle to go to sleep, but he’s not an idiot.  And then I feel guilty if I want to take even 5 minutes for myself during nap time b/c I have such limited time to spend with Justin (our older son).  And don’t even get me started on  my hubby (he’s a complete grouch when he’s sick).

The good news is I did get my interval walk/run in today and although it was hard it wasn’t the ass-kicking I was prepared for.  I think it was b/c I was so grouchy and frustrated that I was happy to pound my feet on the treadmill.  Now I have showered and I feel a million times better.  So for the record, it’s 3/250 days of exercise completed by next July 4th.

Weekends are always hard, especially with workouts.  During the week our nurse is here so I don’t have to worry about the baby being down for a nap, if he’s fussy, etc.  But I think my hubby now realizes that my workouts are non-negotiable.  And now that he sees that this isn’t just a passing fad (again) he’s more with the program.  In all fairness to him, he has never done anything to make me feel like I couldn’t take time to workout, so it may have been all in my head.  Oh well, what counts is that I’m not throwing in the towel just b/c it’s the weekend.

This morning I cut it short b/c hubby isn’t feeling well.  I logged 45 minutes on the treadmill with the goal of doing a 2nd workout when the baby takes a nap.  Or should I say IF the baby takes a nap.  He didn’t nap at all yesterday and I’m starting to get discouraged about that b/c ever since our nurse started I’m having a harder time getting him to take naps.  She’s wonderful and has him on such a fantastic schedule that he pretty much takes a 3 hour nap every day at 11:00.  If we continue to struggle with naps over the weekend I’m going to observe her to see what she does differently than I do.  I don’t feel like he’s choosing her over me, it’s just that she takes care of him 5 days a week so he’s changed his preferences.  Either way, this kid needs to take a nap!

Progress toward exercise goal:  2/250

In honor of Sistah Pat being in Vegas I decided to take a gamble and weigh myself this morning.  Very risky since I knew a bad number might be enough to send me tumbling head first into a binge but I decided it was worth it b/c of how hard I have been struggling lately.  I knew that a positive number would be the motivation that I needed.  All I can say is…JACKPOT!!  The scale read 256.5.  I would have been happy with anything in the 250’s but this is especially meaningful b/c in the last 2 months I have been fluctuating between 257 and 265.  I swear I have lost 50 pounds in the last 2 months, the only problem is that I have also gained the same 50 pounds :)  Now, I’m not going to trust this number b/c I am PMSing and I know that I might be bloated on Sunday, which is my official weigh in day.  But this number proves to me that what I’m doing is working.

Happy 4th of July to my fellow Americans!  I was thinking of setting a goal of having 1 year from now being my goal to declare my freedom from fat but I don’t want to do anything that corny.  Any even though that would be about 2 pounds per week, which is reasonable,  I don’t want to put that much pressure on myself.  Nor do I want to put too much importance on the scale.  Instead, I’m going to think about a goal that I can be in control of, such as how many days I will exercise in the next year.  I’ll keep thinking and let you all know what I decide.

3:45

I have figured out a goal for this time next year.  I am going to workout 250 times between now and then.  With there being 52 weeks in a year, that’s working out about 5 days a week.  I will need to exercise at least 30 minutes for it to count as a daily workout but most days I will strive for at least 45 minutes to an hour.  And during the summer months I’ll continue with my 90 minutes a day. 

So today is day 1 and I can count it as mission accomplished.  I lifted weights for 45 minutes w/a FIRM DVD and then did an interval workout on the treadmill (32 mins) followed by part of a Pilates DVD (7 minutes).  One day down, 364 to go! 

Everything finally clicked when I went to the gyno today.  The reason I’m struggling so much now is that I’m PMSing.  I always get a bit hungrier during this time, especially for chocolate.  So tonight, I was facing a dangerous situation for me, secret eating.  My hubby is taking our older son to an airplane show and there is still the double chocolate gooey butter cake in the freezer.  Normally, not a problem, but I found where he hid the CoolWhip so I knew I would be tempted.  So before he left I counted that there were 6 1/2 pieces left and I told him.  He looked at me like I was crazy but I told him that he needs to count them when he gets home.  Obviously this won’t stop me from eating them if I want to but since I wouldn’t eat it in front of him I’m not going to eat them now (at least I hope not).  I did, however, grab a sugar free chocolate pudding (they are awesome, only 70 calories, and super chocolatey) and put some coolwhip on it.  The coolwhip is only 25 calories so it didn’t break the bank.  Then I went and brushed my teeth, so hopefully this will get me through the night.

My goal for the weekend is to treat it just like any other day.  I am going to workout for 90 minutes just like always and stick to my eating plan.  I did bump it up a notch, deviating from my regular frozen meals to grilled porkchops but this is healthy so I feel ok about it.  See you all tomorrow.

In the class I took last week someone mentioned that we all choose our attitudes so I have decided to break out of the cranky mood I was in last night and be positive.  Even if others aren’t mentioning the changes that they must be seeing (you’re right, Sistah Pat, they probably just don’t know  how much it would mean to me) I am seeing them.  Just this morning I was getting a glass of water before my workout and I saw my reflection in the window.  I had on shorts and a sports bra and I definitely saw a smaller version of myself.  Then, I went to the OBGYN for my annual exam and my blood pressure was 112/62.  I have never really had problems with high blood pressure but it sometimes was in the borderline range (130/80).  These lower numbers, even though I am still considered morbidly obese, remind me that what I am doing is good for my body.  For now I am going to try to focus on that.  Plus, I feel great when I workout and eat good food.

Here’s my exercise so far for today.

3 miles WATP        288 cal.

20 minutes yoga     80 cal.

20 minutes pilates  80 cal.

I am going to work some more on my paper this morning and then either do yard work in the afternoon or go water walking.  Either way, I know I will be able to burn some more calories and keep myself busy so I’m not tempted to snack.

Before I sign off, I have a question about WATP.  In my head I know that it’s a good workout but it is not nearly as difficult for me as walking on the treadmill.  I barely find myself out of breath and I generally do the 4 mile program with the jogging intervals.  Yet when I walk on the treadmill, even at a slower pace (3.5 mph or so) I am drenched in sweat and out of breath.  Has anyone else had this experience?  B/c of this I don’t feel like I have actually worked out if I do WATP, but I can generally get in more miles in a shorter period of time than I can on the treadmill.  Just curious.

I don’t know why but I’m really discouraged tonight.  It’s amazing how I can go from feeling so powerful in the morning and then want to throw in the towel by evening.  I think it’s b/c I have so far to go.  When I get like this I try to remember that I have lost 30 pounds, which is nothing to sneeze at.  But I think the reason I’m not happy with that is that nobody is noticing that I have lost weight.  Maybe I’m a bad judge of my own appearance but I definitely think that I look different and I don’t understand why people haven’t noticed.  I know I should be doing this for me but it certainly is motivating when others notice your progress.

So for right now I’m going to stay committed to my July challenge and then re-evaluate.  If I’m still not making a lot of progress after a month of working out about 90 minutes a day and having few temptations then it could be that I’m doing something wrong.  But for now I’m going to bed b/c I have to get up at 5:00 to fit in my workout tomorrow.  Have a good night, everyone