It’s all up to me

Yesterday I was able to refocus myself and get back on track.  I stayed on plan 100% for eating and got in 45 minutes on the treadmill.  It wasn’t easy and I got quite hungry after my evening treat but I made it through.

<>So here’s my workout plan for the week.  Yesterday was the treadmill.  Today I meet with my personal trainer.  Tomorrow I have a meeting until 4:30 and then another one at 5:00 so I will not get to workout.  Thursday I will do a FIRM DVD and Friday I will walk on the treadmill for 45 minutes.  Saturday I will not be able to workout because it’s my monthly breakfast with a good friend and I don’t want to give that up.

<>My short-term goal to get me focused for my end of the school year goal is to be at 260 by Mother’s Day.  I know that’s 8.5 pounds in 2 weeks but this morning I was already down to 265.5 so I’m down 3 (water weight from the nuts).  I should be able to hit 262 by Sunday and then it’s 2 pounds for the following week.  Plus, that will put me at 10% lost so it’s a good gift to give myself for Mother’s Day.

<>I’m trying to think of a reward that will motivate me to hit my 250 goal.  I’m going to keep pondering that one.

<>Have a great day!

Today has been a very busy day so I have not created my new plan, yet.  But I have lunch coming up where I’ll be able to think and my prep period is at the end of the day so I’m going to take 10 minutes to at least create a plan for this week.  The damage from last week was pretty intense, I’m at 268.5, up from 263.  Some of that is water retention (I think) from some peanuts I ate yesterday.  I’m almost glad, though, that I gained a bunch of weight beause I was getting away with cheating and still losing so I had no real motivation to stay strictly on plan.  I still have the goal of being at 250 by the end of the school year (6 weeks) so now I need to kick butt.

If I only listened to my body I would make better choices.  All weekend I had a headache I couldn’t shake and the only thing that was different was that I ate like crap.  But apparently the fabulous flavors weren’t enough to offset the pounding head.  And weird dreams, those came out of nowhere.

I’m still floating around in limbo.  I know what I need to do, I know what I WANT to do but I’m just not choosing to do it.  I have been doing some thinking and realized that I love to make plans.  I like to make workout charts, goal sheets for weight loss, anything with a graph or a calendar.  But when it actually comes to setting the plan in motion, once the novelty wears off I decide that what I need is a new plan.

I am trying to keep all of this in perspective.  This week hasn’t been good food-wise and exercise-wise.  But that hasn’t undone all of the hard work I have done so far.  Yesterday I had some time so I pulled out clothes that I had packed away and found a bunch of pants that were size 20 that now fit and I even got into a pair of size 18’s!  They must run big because there are some size 22 that I still can’t get zipped but I’m getting there.  These size 18 pants were what I was wearing when I lost all of that weight 3 years ago.  Granted, they were quite big on me but I was also about 35 pounds lighter.  So maybe I’m carrying my actual weight differently now, who knows?  What I’m trying to say is that even though I’m having trouble getting myself focused right now I’m still in a better place than I was 3 months ago. 

So I guess I need to make a new plan (LOL).  I was going to wait until I got the routine from my personal trainer but we still have 2 sessions so it could be a week or 2 until I get that from her.  Having something visual, like a calendar or check-off sheet, will help keep me motivated.  I was one of those annoying kids in school who always did what they were supposed to so having a specific task to accomplish might help me more than just telling myself that I need to workout.  So I’m going to enjoy today and eat what I want.  Fortunately we have a ton of fresh fruit (strawberries, pineapple, bananas) so I’m guessing I’ll eat a lot of that.

I’m really struggling to hop back on the wagon after my problems earlier in the week.  When I got home yesterday I was still very hot and I had a headache so I decided not to workout.  Then I raided the cabinets and ate too much of everything.  No surprise this morning when I got on the scale and it read 265, I was at 263 last week.

I think part of my problem is that I’m thinking I’ll be able to make a ton of progress this summer so I’m backing off right now.  I can’t remember if I wrote about this but the program that’s going to send a nurse to take care of my son will continue throughout the summer so I will have daycare for him from 7-4:30 every day, even when I’m off in the summer.  I’m going to feel weird having someone else take care of my child when I’m right there so I’m planning to keep myself busy with projects and working out.  We’re still going to take my older son to daycare 2 days a week so he can play with his friends and he always goes to grandma’s on Friday so I will have 3 days a week completely to myself.  Even when our older son is around I will still be able to workout quite a bit because he’s old enough that he can play in the basement while I’m on the treadmill or working out another way.

I need to get my head screwed back on straight because it’s stupid to slack off these last 6 weeks before the end of the school year.  I now have 6 weeks to lose 15 pounds to meet my goal, a little more of a challenge.  Maybe I need the extra challenge to motivate me.  I’m going to do the best I can to make decent choices through the weekend.  I know myself well enough to avoid saying I’m going to start over RIGHT NOW because when I go off plan even a tiny bit I will throw in the towel and eat everything in sight.  Instead, I’m going to make the best choice I can and refocus on Monday.  This actually should reduce the damage.  I’m going to make sure that I post tomorrow, though, to keep me from straying too far off the path.  Hope everyone else is having a more successful weekend than I am.

Yesterday didn’t go very well.  I ended up eating anything that wasn’t nailed down and by the end of the night I still wanted the chocolate cake.  My son mentioned something about muffins and I realized that Perkins has these awesome chocolate chip muffins so we went and got some.  Took care of the craving, I just wish I had thought of it 12 hours earlier.

<> So now I need to keep my head on straight for the weekend.  I’m hot and exhausted right now so working out when I get home is NOT what I want to do.  I haven’t actually decided if I’m going to, I’m feeling sick because it’s so hot in here.  My classroom is generally about 85 degrees by the end of the day because there are so many computers in here and there are no windows.  They are hoping to put air conditioning in for next year but that won’t help me now.

So I am going to focus on  my eating for tonight.  I have to weigh in tomorrow because we’re going out Saturday night (yippee!) and I’m going to have a few beers.  So if I want to show a loss (need to be 262.5 or less) I need to be on my best behavior tonight.  I’m guessing that will motivate me to sweat a little tonight.

I got on the scale this morning and it still said 263.  Why do I do this to myself?  I debated on it for a while because I knew that since I was going to be home today that if I got a bad result that it would set me up for a bad day.  And I have been basically perfect all week in my eating so I figured for sure I would be down a pound or 2.  But nothing.  Zilch.  Nada.  I know that by this weekend I should have a different result but I’m still pissed.

The good news is I haven’t let it throw me too far off.  I did scrounge around looking for something to eat after I watched the episode of “Desperate Housewives” that I taped from Sunday.  They had a huge piece of chocolate cake (I don’t even like chocolate cake) and I think in that moment I would have given my right arm for a piece.  But we don’t have anything so I ate a granola bar.  Crappy substitute but it got me through.

The best news, though, is that the program to send a nurse to our house to take care of Kyle is going to happen.  Assuming the hire the nurse on Monday she will start next Thursday.  And she will continue to come over the summer even though I’m not working during that time.  It will allow me to hang out with our older son or even take some time for myself.    For the first time since Kyle got sick I feel like our life is kind of going to be somewhat normal.

My son had another big seizure yesterday so my day didn’t go quite as expected.  I am so lucky to teach at the school that I do because within about 90 seconds of me getting the call my principal was down here and I was out the door.  His first concern is always Kyle’s health and he doesn’t make me feel guilty at all about being gone.  In fact, I have to be gone again tomorrow and he just asked if there was anything he could do to help.

What yesterday taught me, though, was that I’m not turning to food as much anymore.  Actually, I had to make myself eat lunch when I got him home.  Then, when he crashed, I got in a good workout.  I’m really focused on my goal of reaching 260 by this weekend.  With all of this extra crap I have to put up with the scale needs to be friendly to me.

I was getting dressed this morning and decided to pull out a pair of size 20 pants and they fit!  I didn’t have to suck in my gut, didn’t have to lay down on the bed or wiggle into them; I simply put them on, buttoned and zipped them up.  When I started this I was busting out of my 24’s (basically I was a 26 but not willing to buy bigger clothes) and now I’m into size 20.  Granted, this is only 1 pair but I’m moving in the right direction.  If I have time this weekend I’m going to pull out some other smaller clothes that I have stashed away from when I lost weight 3 years ago.  At my smallest, before I got pregnant again, I was a size 16 for about 20 minutes but I have a ton of cute spring clothes in size 18.  Maybe by the end of the school year I’ll be able to pull those clothes out for summer.

Also, the session with the trainer went really well.  We did some more lunges but I can walk today so that first time with the soreness was hopefully a fluke.  We also did squats and worked upper body.  I go back next Tuesday for my 3rd session and after the 4th one she will have a plan created for me.

Today I meet with my personal trainer for the 2nd time and I think we’re going to focus on upper body.  I sure hope so because yesterday was the first time I could walk down stairs like a grown-up.  But I’m excited to charge through this week and see what progress I make by next week.  Spring is finally here (I think) and I’m excited to pull out cute little skirts and shorts which means that swimsuit season isn’t far behind.  I ordered a new one and haven’t tried it on in a while but it’s motivation to keep me working.

I actually lost weight this week.  I wasn’t sure if I was going to since I pigged out last weekend and I’m retaining water due to TOM.  So now I’m down to 263 and I have 7 weeks to lose the 13 pounds I need to get to my first goal of being at 250 by the end of the school year.   Since I should shed some water weight this week I’m setting a goal of being at 260 (at least) by next weekend.  When I hit 260 I will have lost 29 pounds which is 10% of my body weight when I started. 

Also, I can finally walk today.  I’m still a bit sore but I can actually go down stairs like a normal person instead of gripping the handrail and doing it one step at a time.  But I like the feeling of soreness because it reminds me that I’m making good choices for my body.  It’s supposed to be nice today so I’m going to put Kyle in his stroller and go for a long walk.  Then I meet again with my trainer tomorrow, although I think I’m going to tell her that we need to layoff the lunges.