It’s all up to me

First of all, let me respond to mffallaw before I forget.  (I tried to find a link to your blog but couldn’t figure it out)  I do like TurboJam, although the only workout I totally love is the one you get with the weighted gloves.  To be fair to the program I have only done the other ones one time each but they didn’t hold my attention.  The one with the gloves, though, is AWESOME!!!  It’s 48 minutes and every time I do it I swear it only takes 20 minutes but it’s so much fun.  She’s not one of those annoying leaders with the high-pitched voice, she’s kind of a tough chick.  I’m glad I pulled it out, I’ll have to make sure to incorporate it more often.

OK, back to the title.  I’m in a fight with my hubby and this is strange territory because we’re one of those couples who truly never fight.  We have been together for 9 years and even with all of the stress we face because of our son I would say we have had maybe 10 fights over the years.  In his defense, I don’t even think he realizes that we’re in a fight but he definitely knows that I haven’t been acting like myself.  But what it has done is put more energy into my workouts.  I got home from school yesterday and was tempted to skip the workout because it was Friday and I was exhausted because I had been up since 3 am but I didn’t want to hang out with him so I went into the basement and kicked some butt. 

I know this is a short-term fix and I don’t want to be in a fight forever but I’m willing to let it go on for a while.  TMI warning coming up here, so if you don’t want the gory details skip ahead to the next paragraph.  Our problem is that his sex drive is much slower than mine.  The other night I suggested that we “snuggle” and his response was a heavy sigh.  Understandably, he had been up for 2 hours the night before so he was tired.  And I have no problem with him saying no because he’s tired, but in that moment I realized that I can’t remember the last time he initiated sex.  And even when we do have sex I feel like he’s doing me a favor.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s fantastic and once we get going he’s totally into it, but it’s like I have to beg him to be with me.  After hearing about all of the other women who are constantly being mauled by their hubbies it’s very demoralizing.  I don’t think this has anything to do with my weight.  I was a size 18 when we met and now I’m about a 20-22.  Before I got pregnant with my last son I was down to a 16 and we still had this problem.  He totally loves me and I don’t worry that he’s gay or having an affair.  I think part of it is that he knows how tired we both always are so he doesn’t want to make me feel pressured but damn it, take a risk sometime.  Once we actually started sleeping together, I can remember 2 times that I told him no.  He has rejected me 2 times in the last 2 weeks.

So the passive/agressive part of me has decided that I am done initiating sex.  I am going to wait for him to come to me and see how long it takes.  I will bring this up in a day or so when I have figured out exactly what I want to say, but I think (no, I know) that I want him to start the conversation because here’s another situation where I have to get things started.  He knows I’m pissed but isn’t doing anything about it.

Other than that today should be fun.  We have my older son’s birthday party today for his friends and all I have to do is show up.  I was going to try to do the traditional birthday thing at our house but we had a Christmas party with his buddies and it was too much.  Instead, I know a lady who does cooking classes for kids and they are going to make and decorate his birthday cake as well as play a few games.  The best $100 I ever spent.

If I decide to become a grown-up today I’ll talk to my hubby.  I’ll let you all know how it goes.