It’s all up to me

I’m a big fan of movies so a lot of my references come from there.  This morning I’m thinking of “Parenthood” and the scene near the end where Steve Martin’s grandma is talking about when grandpa took her to the amusement park to ride the rollercoasters.  Long story short it reminds us to enjoy the ride even though sometimes it’s too fast and scary.  That’s how I feel today.

As I mentioned yesterday we got hit with another snowstorm.  All of the older people here are talking about how this is just like the winter of ‘78 (I was 4 then so I don’t remember) but apparently it was a doozy.  But having this snow caused the cancellation of a speaker we were supposed to listen to and allowed us to have inservice at our own schools today starting at 10:00.  This gave me time to workout and to join my hubby on our appt. to tour our 4 year-old’s new daycare.  Yes, it’s causing us to scramble all over the place but who cares, I’m enjoying the ride.

I think the main reason I’m able to have such a good attitude is my son is finally sleeping!!!  I think I got 6 hours Friday night, 8 hours Saturday night and 7 hours last night.  I think I could walk around all day whistling and skipping I’m so energetic.

I did a new Turbo Jam DVD this morning and it was tough.  It’s the one you do with the weighted gloves and it was fun.  It will definitely become one of my favorites.

Hope everyone has a good President’s Day!!  Talk to you tomorrow.

Hooray!  I finally had some success on the scale.  Last week I was 274.0 and this morning I’m 269!!!!!  I even saw 268.5 twice but I’m going to go with the higher weight so that maybe I’ll pad my success for next week.  It’s so weird, the week that I barely exercise is when I drop a lot of weight.  I was so strict with my eating, though, which is what I’m sure did it. 

Last night we went to “The Bucket List” which was a good movie and getting out was exactly what we needed.  It was tough not to get the popcorn but we made it through.  When I was single I would have popcorn for supper 2-3 nights a week so I am a popcorn junkie.  I think the lack of popcorn was even harder on my hubby but once the movie started we were fine.  Maybe my weight loss is my reward for resisting that temptation???

Thank you to everyone who has been so supportive these last few weeks.  I try to not use this blog to express my frustrations/concerns about my son but when he is sicker it directly affects my exercise which directly affects my weight loss.  But it means so much to know that people out there are pulling for me and encourage me every step of the way.  I hope that I can provide even half the encouragement for you that you all have for me.

Right now we’re getting nailed with another snowstorm.  I think they’re calling for about 10 inches.  Oh well, what can you do?  I just hope we have a nice spring since we have been dealing with cold and snow FOREVER!!! 

Hope everyone enjoys the rest of the weekend.

Finally…our son slept more than 3 hours in a row.  I feel like a new woman.

Finally…it’s the weekend.  I’m going to be able to hopefully catch up on sleep and begin exercising again.

Finally…I have realized it’s ok to be honest with my feelings and say “no” if I need to.  This is a big one for me.  A friend of mine was supposed to visit this weekend with her 2 little girls.  I called her yesterday and told her that it’s not going to work this weekend because Kyle still isn’t 100% and we’re exhausted.  Her girls are less than well-behaved and the idea of putting up with them all weekend on top of having to entertain was more than I could handle.  Normally I would have just done it anyway because I always put others’ feelings before mine.  It’s amazing how you don’t worry about what others might think when you’re running on empty.

Finally…my hubby and I are going to be able to go on a date.  My MIL is coming over for a couple of hours tonight and I think we’re going to go to a movie.  We’ll bring our own snacks so we’re not tempted by popcorn.  Who knows, I might sleep during the movie but it would be nice to be taking a nap on my hubby’s shoulder.  That’s worth the $8.50 right there.

Today is going to be my toughest day.  Weekends are always hard for me food-wise because there is less structure to the day.  But I am going to keep my focus because tomorrow is my weigh-in.  If I don’t get down to at least 272 (I was 274 on Monday) I am going to reconsider this lo-carb thing.  I totally hope that I don’t have to because lo-carb is what has worked for me in the past but that was 3 years ago, maybe my body has changed or maybe all of this stress is making things slower.  Who knows, I guess we’ll just wait and see tomorrow.

This is my first 5 day week in I don’t know how long.  We have had so many snow days and with Kyle being sick I honestly think we have missed at least 1 day a week since before Christmas.  How sad that this feels like an accomplishment.

An accomplishment that I do feel proud about is I have stuck with my eating plan these last few days even though I haven’t been able to exercise.  Last night we were EXHAUSTED and decided to do carside pickup from Applebees.  I ended up ordering the steak/shrimp kabobs from the WW menu.  My hubby ate fairly healthy but splurged and got the 3 course meal which came w/dessert.  But instead of caving and ordering what he did I stuck to my guns.  I’m proud of myself for that.

I’m toying with the idea of letting up a bit on the lo-carb thing and just trying to eat healthy.  The reason this scares me, though, is that I love fruit and usually go overboard.  Fruit and yogurt would be the only things I would add in; if I add any breads I do not lose weight at all.  So what I think I’m going to do is see how this weeks weigh-in goes and choose from there.  I think that’s part of the reason I’m being so disciplined, I want to be able to make an informed decision.

I’m going to gush about my hubby for a minute.  In all of the struggles we go through with my son things are unfortunately unbalanced; Kyle completely prefers me.  It’s way more than a “momma’s boy” thing.  Because of this I only can have down time if he’s sleeping, which is rare.  We have access to a website through our hospital where we can post updates about his health so that we don’t always have to contact people when something happens and he posted something about how hard I work with Kyle and how so much of the difficulty falls on my shoulders and how proud he is of me.   I knew that he was proud of me but it’s nice to see it in writing.  It’s even nicer that he told everyone else about how hard things are for me.  He’s not a guy that normally shares his emotions with others so this is huge for him.  I definitely married the right guy.

Tired says it all.  I’m physically tired because we haven’t been sleeping well and even when I have a chance to sleep I’m finding I can’t turn off my brain enough to let me do it.  I’m emotionally tired because it seems that every time we turn around there is another fire to put out.  And I’m also tired of being diligent with my diet and exercise and not seeing it pay off.  It’s gut check time.  Even though I’m frustrated I’m trying to look at it as an opportunity to demonstrate my mental toughness.  I’m going to stick with it no matter what and if I would slip I will get right back up again.  Even though I’m losing so slowly I’m still losing and becoming healthier.

I do think, though, that I need to schedule a visit with my therapist.  I’m considering asking him about anti-depressants.  I’m not against them but in all honesty my biggest concern is weight gain.  My friends who have taken them have all gained weight which I know would make me more depressed.  Has anyone taken them and not had this side effect?  If so, what drug were you on?  The reason I finally think I need them is the whole not being able to sleep-thing.  Last night it was my hubby’s night to get up with Kyle and he woke me up about 2:00 because he thought Kyle’s breathing was irregular.  I was only up for about 15 minutes but I didn’t get back to sleep until at least 4:30 (we get up at 5:15).  I have never had problems sleeping before my son became ill so there is no way I can explain it other than I think I am depressed.

Now that I have acknowledged this I feel better because I have a plan.  I am very upfront with my therapist about my weight concerns so he will not put me on a drug that has weight-gain as a side effect.  I’m just hoping I can get in fairly soon to see him.

BTW–I caved and weighed myself today and I’m back down to 273, so that’s 1 pound since Monday.  I think God realized that I needed some encouragement this morning.

I realize it’s only February but it feels like it has been winter for 2 years now.  We got hit with 5 inches of snow yesterday and more is coming tomorrow.  We don’t go a week without temps dipping below zero.  Logically I know that spring will come sometime but it seems like it’s a million years away.

My resolution yesterday to have a good day sort of came true.  I went into things with a good attitude but the kids were so awful yesterday.  And I thought that maybe it was me but all of the other teachers said the same thing.  I really think it’s the weather.  It’s freezing and we haven’t had a normal week without a cancellation, delay or early out since before Christmas.  So even though the day wasn’t fantastic I think my resolution helped things to go better than they would have otherwise.

These next 2-3 days I’m not going to be able to workout which always causes me to worry.  I just have to remember to keep plugging away at what I can control, my eating.  And sometimes the body works in strange ways, I tend to lose more weight on weeks I don’t workout as much.  Weird, I know.

Yesterday I tried something new which I’m hoping will help.  When I did my normal FIRM DVD I wore a weighted vest.  I have been wanting to up my weights to 15 pounds for my legs but I know my arms aren’t ready yet.  So I added 10 pounds to the vest and did the workout and in all honesty it wasn’t much harder but my butt does feel a bit sore today.  Next time I’m going to add 15 pounds (it goes up to 20) and see what that does.

<>Well, the kids are here so I need to teach.  Hope everyone has a good day.

I am grouchy right now so I am going to choose to have a good day.  The kids here are driving me nuts and it’s only 8:22.  We had a meeting this morning before school and it’s amazing how juvenile adults can be.  So since I can’t change others I am going to change my viewpoint.  I’m going to paste a huge smile on my face and get through the day.

Do you remember the movie “Groundhog Day”?  I feel like I’m living it.  It’s like we’re in this cycle of Kyle getting sick, getting pounded with snow and me restarting my diet every Monday.

<> The thing that threw me off track this time was fatigue.  My hubby got up with Kyle at 12:30 Sat night/Sun morning.  At about 1:30 he woke me up because he thought Kyle was hungry and wouldn’t eat for him.  I didn’t get him back into bed until 9:15 Sunday morning.  Yep, 9 hours.  By then our older son was up (I had sent my hubby back to bed around 5:00).  I was able to get in about a 2 hour nap on Sunday but that’s about it.

By that point I could care less about healthy food.  I wanted what was quick and easy and yes, I wanted something to make me feel good.  But we have done such a good job of ridding our house of “bad” food that I was stuck.  Plus, it was -30 with the windchill so neither of us wanted to go to the store to get anything.  So I polished off the cake/ice cream and then when my mom came last night she made me homemade pancakes.

Thankfully she stayed up with him last night so we were able to get some sleep and she’s going to stay again tonight.  Two nights in a row with sleep, I don’t know what I’ll do!!!!

But I’m back on track today.  I packed my lunch and even though I’m tired I’m going to try out my Turbo Jam workouts after school today.  I’m moving at a snail’s pace but as long as I keep moving forward I will reach my goal…eventually.

We did end up in the hospital although it wasn’t pneumonia.  We took him to the Dr. in the morning who said he had the beginning of an ear infection and placed him on an antibiotic.  He also said, though, that we always have to err on the side of caution with Kyle so if we felt that he was starting to get worse to bring him back in.  Friday night we took him back in (thank God our office has appts. until 8:30 on weeknights) and that doctor decided to admit him just to keep an eye on him.  They tested him for pneumonia, influenza and RSV; thankfully all were negative.

While we were in the hospital I was able to make healthy choices.  When my hubby went home to pack a bag for me he threw in some low-carb bars and apples/oranges, those got me through.  Our son took a nap around lunchtime so we were able to hit the cafeteria and I had a salad.  We were discharged earlier this afternoon and my parents came up to give us a break.  At first the plan had been that I was going to take a nap but we were released too late in the day for that to happen.  Instead, my parents watched the boys and my hubby and I were able to go out and celebrate my birthday.  We tried a Japanese restaurant that we had never gone to.  I consider this a success because my first instinct when thinking of restaurants was our favorite Mexican place.  But I realized that I would not be able to make good choices there so we tried this Japanese place.  We both had filet mignon and shrimp and it was EXCELLENT!!!  I’m not sure how everything was prepared but it had to have been quite healthy.  I know for sure it was better for us than Mexican.

But I haven’t been an angel all day.  My in-laws had our older son while we were in the hospital and when they brought him home they brought cake and ice cream with them.  It wasn’t even a decision, I wanted a piece.  Plus, my older son was so upset that we weren’t able to celebrate my birthday last night that it was more important to me to make him feel better than worry about eating some delicious, sugary food.  I have now had some more ice cream but now I’m done, tomorrow it’s time to get back on plan.

As we were leaving the restaurant I twisted my ankle so I’m hoping this doesn’t slow down my exercise.  I just had to wear these killer boots which wasn’t the best choice because we got about 14 inches of snow earlier in the week.  So my left ankle is sore and my right knee is skinned.  So we’ll see what tomorrow brings but I don’t think it’s so bad that I won’t be able to workout.  I finally got my Turbo Jam DVD’s so I’m excited to try them out.

Thank you so much to everyone who has left supportive comments.  It’s funny how supportive words from virtual strangers can mean so much.  This is the one place that I feel I can be completely honest and focus on myself and knowing that others out there are reading about me and care about my life means more than you know.  I’m hoping when our life calms down (will it ever????) I will have more time to be able to read others’ blogs.

Today is my birthday, I’m 34.  And as I’m sure happens to most people, having a birthday causes me to look back over the last year.  Some great times, some sad times and some times I would rather forget. I also, of course, track my weight loss progress.

I can’t say for sure but I think I might weigh more now than I did last year.  Not much, because I know I was wearing the same jeans, but I think I was in the 260’s.  I’m truly not beating myself up about that because we have had a heck of a year and I don’t know anyone who wouldn’t have eaten to make themselves feel better, but I just hope that when I’m sitting here one year from today I’m not having the same feelings.  Right now, I honestly feel that I’m on track to becoming healthier and skinnier.  We’re possibly facing hospitalization today with my younger son (I think he developed pneumonia after his seizure yesterday) and I am not going to use it as an excuse to go off my eating plan.  I might have to throw in a few more fruits than I normally do because they’re portable and easy, but they are healthy.  I also bought a few skirts off clearance yesterday that are cute but smaller sizes.  I accidentally grabbed a 16 in one when I meant to pick up an 18, but this is motivation.  I’m hoping that by the end of the school year I can fit into it.

I’ll write more later, my son woke up and needs to eat.  Hope everyone has a good Friday.