It’s all up to me

It’s amazing how quickly things can change.  For a while I felt unstoppable.  I was working out like a fiend and loving it.  I was making healthy food choices because I wanted to.  Granted, the food part is always a bit harder for me but it was as close to easy as it has ever been.  Then, WHAM, all of that motivation left me.  It makes absolutely no sense.  Why can you be 100% focused one minute and then shoveling in mixed nuts by the handful the next?  That was last night, I was hungry and all we had for “bad” food in the house was mixed nuts.  Thankfully we have eliminated all of the unhealthy food from our house.

So where do I go from here?  I need to get my butt back in gear, that’s what.  The food part, at least during the day today, will be easy.  I’ll take my lunch and snacks and we don’t have a vending machine at school any more so there is no chance for a slip-up.  Today is the first day at the new sitter’s for the baby so I’ll actually be able to workout on a Friday because he stays until 4:30 all week.  I think today’s workout is going to be the key.  It will get me in a good frame of mind for the weekend.  I really hope so because I want to feel unstoppable again.

I made a huge mistake yesterday and allowed myself to become really hungry.  I stayed late at school to get some work done and because my SIL needed to borrow our van so I missed my workout and didn’t have an afternoon snack.  When I got home I was starving.  I fed the baby and then had an early supper (hubby had night class and my MIL had my older son).  When my son got home he wanted a snack so we shared an apple.  I always get nervous eating fruit because the carbs make me crave more but I know it is a healthy food and I love apples.  When he went to bed I was hungry again, I’m sure because I ate supper at 4:30.  I was washing another apple when the baby started crying.  He never actually cries so I ran to see what was wrong.  Then as I was feeding him my hubby got home early from night class.  By then I realized that I wasn’t as hungry as I thought so I avoided the snack all together.

I realize having another apple would not have been a big deal but I know I have to be careful since I’m going to be avoiding the scale for a while.  An apple here (and I know I would have eaten it w/a little bit of peanut butter), an extra cheese stick there and I’m adding a couple hundred extra calories a day.

Also, I took a pregnancy test this morning and it was negative.  I’m not late yet but it was one of those that you can take 5 days before you are.  These are the ones I used with both of the boys and they showed pregnancy immediately.  I’m still going to act as if I’m pregnant until I get my period but it takes a little bit of stress off.  I really started getting worried yesterday because my boobs started to hurt and that was always the 1st sign that I noticed with the boys, but I’m guessing I’m just PMSing and more aware of it.  Even though I would love to have another child I’m relieved that I’m most likely not pregnant.  We can’t afford another child right now, hubby still has another year of school left.  And then there’s the worry that this child would be sick, too.  There would be a 1 in 4 chance that any new baby would have my son’s disease.  I know that means there would be a 3 in 4 chance that it would be healthy, but I would be a nervous wreck until the test could be done to see if it is healthy.

Today I’m going to miss my workout again b/c I’m training my new sitter on how to take care of Kyle.  But I’ll get to workout tomorrow when I normally don’t so it all evens out.

The next two days are going to be completely abnormal.  My SIL needs our van to move stuff out of her house which means I’m without a vehicle.  I won’t be able to workout today for sure.  If I get good sleep tonight (Kyle was up until 2:30 this  morning so I didn’t get up early today) I’ll get up early tomorrow to fit in a workout.  I need to focus, though, so that I don’t let this derail me.  My biggest concern for tonight is that my hubby has night class which will provide me with lots of chances for secret eating.  I’m still trying to conquer this one.  I know I won’t eat stuff in front of our older son so I will brush my teeth with him when he’s getting ready for bed and then I’ll shut off the lights to the kitchen.  For some reason those two things signal to my brain that the kitchen’s closed and eating is done for the night.  Wish me luck!

Today is another snow day.  We got out early yesterday due to a snow/ice storm and originally had a 2 hour delay scheduled for today.  About 7 am it was changed to a cancellation.  At this point we will be in school until June 10th and they are predicting another major storm Sunday/Monday.  This is amazing.  Oh well, what can you do.

So I’m at home with the boys.  And at this minute I’m rethinking my decision to have kids.  I love them dearly but I’m ready to pack them up and send them to grandma’s.  The baby is down for a nap but when he gets up I’m taking him to my SIL.  I’m keeping my older son because he has a birthday party today so I can actually take him to that instead of having my MIL do it.  He just has been very challenging these last 2 days.  But in general he’s a great kid so I guess 2 days of difficulty average out with all of the great things he does.

I’m finally back on track today.  When I knew we had a 2 hour delay I worked out with weights and planned to hit the treadmill after school.  Now that we don’t have school I don’t know if I’ll get my 2nd workout in or not but if I do it’s a bonus.  I have officially decided not to weigh myself until the end of our contest (Easter).  I feel so relieved.  This way I can just focus on healthy eating and exercise and gauge my progress by my clothing.  I’m considering journaling my food because even though I think I’m doing the same thing I did a couple of years ago when I lost weight fairly easily, maybe I’m eating more than I think.  I’m also considering going to the doctor to see if some hormones are out of whack.  I was tested for PCOS a couple of years ago because I do have several of the symptoms but everything came back normal.  Does anyone know if it’s possible to develop PCOS when you haven’t had it previously?  That would explain my difficulty in losing weight.  Either way, I need to go to the gyno for my annual exam and I’m going to explore different birth control options as a backup to my hubby’s vasectomy.

Oh well, the timer is about to go off to let my older son out of timeout so I should sign off.  Hope everyone has a healthy day.

I have decided to give up my scale for Lent.  I was so discouraged after last week.  Although I realize it’s probably water weight from PMS it still totally threw me off course.  My stellar plan for the weekend went through the tubes.  We ended up having McDonalds for lunch on Saturday, I made homemade mac’n'cheese for supper Saturday night and I had at least 4 pieces of the lemon pie over the weekend.  Then I made popcorn for supper for me last night.  I avoided the scale this morning because I know from the salt I will be retaining water and I don’t want to depress myself any further.

So here’s my new plan.  I’m going to keep exercising like I like to do and follow the SBD.  It works for me and even though the scale says I have only lost 15 pounds I’m down about 2 sizes.  I am only going to weigh myself once a month, just enough to make sure I’m on track and not under-estimating my calories.  Even with water weight I should see a loss over a month.  The reason I decided on this plan is as I reviewed my peaks and valleys over the last 2 months, the valleys always corresponded with a poor showing on the scale.  So instead of a number I’m going to focus on my behavior.  That is something I can control.

I’m really excited about this.  Over the weekend I ordered a bathing suit in a size 20.  I debated on an 18 but I figured if I had to order a smaller suit when swimming season actually arrived that would be the best waste of money I have ever spent.

Hope everyone has a good start to their week.

Will I ever get over this hurdle?  It’s like I’m destined to be 275 forever.  Yesterday when I got home from school I was feeling “light” again.  I really have to ignore that feeling because I generally am kicked in the teeth when I hop on the scale.  Yep, 275.5.  The extra .5 pound doesn’t bother me because it was 3:00 pm instead of 5:00 am but I still don’t know where the 275 came from after 269 last week.  I’m about 10 days away from TOM so maybe it’s water weight but I wouldn’t think that would come this early.   My water intake may have been down (great idea kellyj) but I’m still upset by this drastic number.

So I fell off the wagon last night and I mean big time.  One of my favorite hi-carb foods is peanut butter and jelly.  I know, everyone else is dreaming of pasta and garlic bread but I want the favorite meal of children everywhere.  My hubby was going to the grocery store so I asked him to pick some up.  He did his part by asking me 3 or 4 times if I was sure I wanted it; I think he knew better than to come home without it.  Then, while he was gone I got into his secret candy stash.  Before this episode I never realized what an emotional eater I am.  Long story short, a bunch of candy and 2 PBJ sandwiches later, I’m at a crossroads.  What do I do from here?

I know I should just hop back on my plan and start over right now.  And for the most part that is what I plan to do.  But a good friend and her kids are coming for the weekend and I know that I don’t want to be 100% on-plan.  So this is my plan.  This morning I’ll have my regular breakfast of hardboiled eggs.  We have a few things going on in the am and then for lunch I’ll have the leftover chicken breasts and a salad.  For supper we’re grilling out with chicken and burgers for the kids, serving sugar-free jello, cottage cheese and veggies.  But then we’re busting out a pie.  This place we know has the best pies for $2.99 (I know, you can’t make a pie for that).  I figured this way we have dessert but I’m not adding calories from all the nibbling I would do if I made something.  Tomorrow we’re going to a breakfast sponsored by the group who did my son’s benefit but they make omelets so I should be ok.

I wish I had more willpower to get back 100% right now but I just know I don’t.  To keep myself from going off the deep end, though, I’m going to wear my smaller jeans to remind me how hard I have worked.  This should keep me from eating an entire pie by myself.  When we talked about the pies (I want lemon, he wants chocolate) I agreed to getting 2 as long as he was ok with throwing out the leftovers on Sunday.  With a sad look in his eyes he agreed.

I know that stupid number on the scale shouldn’t matter but it does.  I hopped on this morning expecting to see something good because I have been able to exercise every day and other than an over-indulgence on mixed nuts Tuesday night have been perfect with my eating.  What did I see???  I gained 5 pounds.  What!?  Then I checked my scale that calculates body fat and muscle percentage and saw that I am up on body fat and down on muscle mass.  I was waiting for Ashton Kutcher to come into my bathroom and tell me that I was being punked.

To make myself feel better I grabbed the tape measure so I could see proof of my hard work.  In the last 2 months I’m down 4 inches in my waist, 5 inches off my hips, 3 inches off my bust (like I want to lose it there) and and inch or two everywhere else like arms, thighs, calves, etc.  I’m fitting into smaller clothes and I feel better so I know it’s worth it but I still am pissed that I saw 274.0 this morning.

Why do I do this to myself, especially on a Friday?  Weekends are always hard for me and being discouraged by my weight doesn’t set me up for a good couple of days.  Plus, a friend of mine and her kids are coming Saturday/Sunday which could throw things off.  I need to spend time today planning my weekend so I don’t use this upsetting news as an excuse to go on a 3 day binge.

And if anyone has an explanation as to why I gain weight when I exercise and lose weight when I don’t I’m all ears.

Tonight is tough for me and I can’t pinpoint why.  I was able to workout this morning and I hadn’t planned on being able to do that.  I ate well and even though I hit the almonds a bit hard tonight I still feel ok with my eating.  I did “splurge” and eat an orange this afternoon for a treat.  I know it’s healthy but I generally shy away from fruit because it usually makes me crave more fruit which can lead to a sugar binge.

Today I should be feeling great.  Since we had a 2 hour delay I tried on some clothes in my closet and a new skirt that I bought on clearance  fit.  It’s a size 20!!!  When I started this right before Christmas I was a 24-26.  I feel better, I have more energy and I’m really starting to see the changes in myself.  So why am I struggling?  Usually I can focus in on my feelings but I’m truly at a loss tonight.

Fortunately we have purged our home of tempting foods because I don’t think I would be strong enough to refrain.

OK, I think I just figured it out.  (I told you that I’m good at figuring myself out).  There is a teeny-tiny chance that I am pregnant.  The odds are so miniscule (my hubby had a vasectomy 18 months ago) but the chance is still there.  I wouldn’t be that upset to be pregnant but since my son’s disease is genetic there would be a 1 in 4 chance that this baby would be sick.  Plus, even though I truly don’t think I’m pregnant I would hate to be hard-core with my diet/exercise in the event that I am.  Guys have no clue what we go through every month.

We have been talking the last few days about if I should get my tubes tied.  That way if both of us are fixed we can virtually guarantee that we won’t get pregnant.  The reason I’m hesitant, though, is that I don’t know if I’m ready to commit to that.  We both agree that if for some reason we wanted to have another child that we would adopt or use a sperm donor so him being fixed is no big deal.  And the reality of adding another child to our life is not something that we can handle right now.  But taking precautions not to have another child is completely different from making it virtually impossible.

Wow, nothing like TMI.  I think I’m going to call my gyno and look into other forms of back up birth control.  I don’t want to go back on the pill and I’m not in favor of an IUD so I don’t know what other options are out there for us.

Hopefully I’ll have my mind on straight tomorrow.  Thanks for listening.

So far no snow day but we do have a 2 hour delay.  This was announced last night, I love it when they do it early like that.  This works out great for me because my son has physical therapy after school so I wouldn’t be able to workout.  My hubby has night class so I won’t have any “me” time until after the boys go to bed and by then I usually collapse.  Anyway, since we have a delay I can still get up at our regular time and get in a workout.  I love it when things work out like this.

Yesterday was awesome.  I used my weighted vest to do my FIRM workout and apparently adding 14 pounds is my limit.  I’m going to wear it today on the treadmill. I realy think this is going to produce some results.  Then I took the boys to my SIL and deep cleaned my house.  It feels so good to have a nice, clean house.  And I’m glad I am able to help my hubby out.  All of the household chores have fallen to him since our son has gotten sick so I finally feel like I’m contributing.  But I also worked my butt off while I was cleaning.  It was 3 1/2 solid hours of work, I’m sure I burned some major calories there.  I figured I would be sore this morning (I sure was yesterday) but I actually feel pretty good.

Also, a major stressor has been removed.  My SIL is moving in 2 weeks and we finally lined up daycare for both of the boys.  The woman we found for my younger son has experience with disabled kids and also worked in a group home for a number of years.  We took Kyle over there yesterday to meet her and he had no problem with the extra noise and really did well with her.  I just pray this works out like it seems it will.

Have a good Wednesday, everyone!

I think today is our 6th snow day for the year.  We would have had one yesterday but it was an inservice so the kids weren’t in school.  I truly wish we were in school today because we will be going until probably June 8th or 9th but at this point I really don’t care.  When spring comes and we’re actually expected to teach 5 days a week we’re not going to know what hit us.  Oh well, enjoy the day today and worry about tomorrow in June.

We were already scheduled for a 2 hour delay last night so I got up at my regular time to workout before school because after school we have 2 appts. scheduled.  I added 14 pounds to my weighted vest while I was doing my FIRM Dvd and apparently 14 pounds is the number where my butt gets kicked.  My legs were fine with that weight but for some reason it made it harder to do the work with my arms which makes absolutely no sense.  The vest is around my chest (duh, where else would a vest be???) but I had to downsize from 12 pound to 10 pound weights about 2/3 of the way through the workout.  I might drop to 12 pounds in my vest the next time I do that DVD to see if that’s a better fit for me.  But for once I did feel my butt screaming when I was doing dips and lunges which hasn’t happened in a while.

So since today is a snow day I’m going to get a 1000 things done.  I already prepped my SIL last night that if there was a snow day that I was still bringing the kids down.  A guy at school thinks it’s weird that I take my kids to the sitter when we don’t have school, he actually asked me why I had kids if I didn’t want to hang out with them.  I felt guilty for about 2 seconds and then realized that taking them to the sitter allows me to accomplish in 3 hours what it would take me an entire day to do by myself.  Plus, I’m just a person who needs time by myself.  And, he’s a man.  Don’t get me wrong, he’s a great dad, but his wife is an even better mother.  He doesn’t have many of the responsiblities that I have, he just gets to play with his kids.  And, with my younger son being sick when he’s home he needs 100% of my attention.  I know for my mental health that I need to take the breaks when I can get them.

Got to go, baby needs a bottle.