It’s all up to me

I thought it might be a good ego boost this morning to try on those size 22 jeans that are my goal pants for going out next weekend.  Since I was sick yesterday and barely ate anything on top of being at a good point in my cycle I thought it would be worth a shot.  I was right!  Granted, I had to lay down on the bed to zip them up but I got into those jeans.  Knowing I have another week to make them comfortable is very motivating to me which is exactly what I need.  I didn’t work out yesterday (Friday is generally my rest day and being sick confirmed the day off) and due to our schedule today I’m not sure if I’m going to be able to fit one in.  But tomorrow I will be able to get back on schedule with a workout right when I get up.

Food-wise, I discovered I love plain chicken broth.  When I got up yesterday afternoon I wasn’t hungry but I wanted something hot for my throat.  I warmed up some low-sodium chicken broth in the microwave and it hit the spot.  And the whole can was only 10 calories!  We are definitely going to stock up on this.  I love hot things during the winter months but don’t always want tea or coffee.  This could be a good addition to my food choices.

I’m home sick today.  I woke up last night with earaches and a horribly sore throat and then the baby woke up at 1:00 and decided not to go back to bed until 6:00.  It is 1:30 pm now and I just got back out of bed.  I’m feeling better but I know I shouldn’t push it by working out.  I still want to, though.  I’m so worried about falling off track and weekends are always so hard for me.  I even nibbled on a cupcake that I found when I was looking for some chicken broth.  I took 2 very small bites and then threw it away so at least I’m proud of that.    This is one of those times I’m glad I don’t have the scale handy because if I didn’t get the result I was expecting I think I would throw it all away. 

Yesterday was a great day but it was extremely busy.  I gave a presentation to another classroom so when I got to school yesterday I had to get things ready for the teachers who were covering my class as well as set up my presentation for their class.  I didn’t get a prep period yesterday since I was doing this other presentation (no big deal, just made the day busier) and then right after school we had a working lunch and inservice until 3:30.  We normally dismiss at 2:30 so this was an extra hour of school.  I went home and although I definitely wanted to work out I couldn’t decide what I wanted to do.  I had done cardio the day before so I usually do something with weights the next day but I had no interest in doing that.  After about 10 minutes I finally decided that hitting the treadmill again was what I wanted to do so that’s what I did.  You might be reading this thinking “What’s the big deal” but all of this taught me something about myself.  I need to decide in the morning what workout I’m going to do in the afternoon.  Because I honestly did not have more than a few minutes to myself all day I hadn’t taken the time to work out a plan for the afternoon.  It was a strange feeling for me, I’m not usually without a plan.

So for today, luckily, things should be back to normal.  I’m teaching my own kids and we aren’t having an early out or late arrival.  After school I’m going to do my longest Firm workout, I think it’s called Cardio Fusion.  Friday is my rest day so I always try to do a hard workout the day before to feel a little sore on the day I don’t exercise.  The good news is I got into a pair of pants today that have been too small before now!!  Yay me!  It’s like shopping without spending any money.

I am so glad I had my hubby hide the scale.  I know I would have caved in today and hopped on.  I am fairly sure I would have gotten a good response but I’m glad that I’ll be in suspense until Sunday.  Since I plan to continue my eating/exercise course regardless of what the scale says it really doesn’t matter, I’m just curious.  I continue to notice a change in my clothing, though, and that is what I’m the most excited about.

I’m hoping that this effort will have paid off so that I can get into a new pair of jeans by next Saturday.  I was at Wal-mart last week and they actually had decent looking jeans for $9.96.  They weren’t even on sale, that was the regular price!  They didn’t have any in size 24 (where I am now) so I bought a pair in size 22.  They are the dark wash that looks pretty dressy and we’re going out to listen to a band next Saturday night so I’m hoping I can get into them by then.  I tried them on when I bought them and I could almost get them buttoned so I figure that in 2 weeks I should be able to fit into them.  I sure hope so because I don’t have any other jeans that are nice enough to go out in, they have all gotten so faded, but I’m not going to go out and buy a new pair of size 24 jeans.  I just refuse.

The appt with my therapist yesterday really helped.  I just love him, he’s very blunt and tells it like it is.  I was able to work out all (well, most) of the frustrations I have with my brother-in-law and then I went home and hopped on the treadmill for a GREAT 45 minute walk/run.  I watched the episode of “Desperate Housewives” that I taped on Sunday and walked a pace of 3.5 mph during the show and ran at 4.5 while I fast-forwarded through commercials.  Just 2 weeks ago I struggled to walk at 3.1 or 3.2 so I can really tell I’m progressing.  I hope this momentum lasts forever.

My sister-in-law is getting a divorce and I feel awful for her because her soon-to-be ex-husband is being a complete prick.  I can’t believe how much I misjudged him.  Since they have decided to split up (he was cheating on her for the last 5 years) he has quit his job so she loses her health insurance (after she told him that she might have breast cancer after fighting uterine cancer a few years ago), turned her into DHS because he said she is mistreating our kids (she babysits them), attacked her home during an openhouse with paintball guns and grease and now he has cut the cables to her satellite dish.  There is also a ton of stuff that he has done to us but I’m not even going to go into it here.  So today we’re trying to get the stuff from the satellite dish figured out and I’m about ready to scream.  We pay her bill because their credit was bad so since we have 2 accounts with this satellite company they scheduled the service call for our house.  I called in and explained that the problem is with HER house and basically it seems like we can’t get it figured out.  I try to call in and it says I have to be sitting in front of the tv or they can’t help me.  Then I tried to go online and the computer won’t let me register for her house because we are already registered at our place.  I’m just about ready to scream.  Add to this the fact that everytime we turn around she’s having to borrow money for a divorce lawyer, real estate lawyer, etc. and I’m about ready to freak out on someone.  I know it’s not her fault and that we’ll get our money back when she sells her house, but with the roadblocks her husband keeps throwing up it may be months or years before this happens.  Plus, my hubby is a full-time student so it’s not like we have extra money to be throwing around.  I know we could say no when she asks to borrow money but since we happen to have it in savings we want to help her out.

Thank God I have an appt. to see my therapist today.  I try not to vent to my hubby too often because it’s his sister and he’s just as frustrated as I am.  I just wish I could run into my brother-in-law because I would love to chew his ass for about 10 minutes.  It’s one thing to hate your spouse and do things to them but he has involved our entire family, including MY kids.  I feel awful for our 4 year old because he loved Uncle Tom probably more than he loves us.  He hasn’t seen him in months (not like we’d let him see our kids now after all the crap he pulled) but it’s really hard on him.

OK, I’m going to try to let it go because I can’t fix it.  We’ll have to wait to make the service call until we’re at her house.

Good news is the diet and exercise is still going well.

Today when I got dressed I put on a shirt that is a bit more form-fitting and I could finally tell FOR SURE that I am getting smaller.  For a week or 2 now I have been thinking that I’m smaller but nothing for sure.  The biggest difference I see is around my hips.  Before the transition from my waist to my hips was huge and not smooth.  There would be a ring around my hips that was like a shelf, basically the spare tire.  Now I have a smooth, hourglass figure.  Granted, the hourglass is much fuller than I would like but at least it’s a normal shape.

Thank you, Round, for your perfect comment.  Yesterday I was feeling desperate because I wasn’t sure how to handle this contest.  Round suggested that I make it a contest between me and myself.  It is an 11 week contest (this way it ends on Easter) and in this time frame I plan to lose 20 pounds.  In addition, I hope this will make me a comfortable size 20.

I weighed myself this morning for the start of the contest (282) and measured my bodyfat (50.4%) and had my hubby hide the scale.  I have 2 scales so I am going to use the weight-only one for my weekly weigh-ins and the more deluxe one every month to monitor my fat-loss process.  I am excited about this.  Thank you, everyone, for the support you have provided througout my journey.

It seems like every time I turn around I have a new plan.  At first I was going to try just being healthier and not focusing on weight loss.  I gained weight.  Then I was going to be strict which worked for a while but then I caved.  Now we’re in this contest which worked very well until I realized that I couldn’t win the first round.  Our 2nd round starts tomorrow and I almost want to drop out.  Not because I don’t want to eat healthy and exercise because I actually enjoy that, but because I know myself well enough to know that if I’m not in 1st place that I will become discouraged.  I’m a bit of a Type-A personality and ultra-competitive. 

So here’s the newest new plan.  I’m going to do the contest because I know it will help me.  Then I am going to have my hubby hide the scale.  I mean it, I don’t want to know where it is.  I still will keep track of weight and fat % (I was 50.7% fat, YIKES) but I figure if I only do it once a week it should be often enough to keep me on track but not so often that if I don’t get discouraged if I don’t see weightloss every day. 

Even though I get frustrated at my inability to stick with a plan I figure that as long as I keep trying that I will eventually get to my goal.  For now, I’m enjoying every bit of food I’m putting into my mouth and will plan menus for the week.  I got in a good workout again this morning and am going to enjoy the food-freedom I am allowing myself today.

Saturdays are always hard for me.  I’m a person who likes a routine so during the school week it’s not as difficult for me to stick to eating and exercise because it’s just part of the day.  Weekends are so unstructured that it makes it much harder.  What I have found is if I exercise right away in the morning that it helps to keep me on track so when my husband gets up I am going to head to the basement and get in a tough workout.  He sleeps in on Saturdays and I sleep in on Sundays so tomorrow won’t be a big deal because I’ll just get up a bit earlier than I would have otherwise and workout.

Food is the other difficulty on the weekend.  Today I promised my hubby that I would make him a cocounut-creme pie because he is starting his dieting journey with me on Monday and he wants to have a “last hurrah” like we all have.  He wanted it earlier this week but I told him that I couldn’t have it in the house because I would eat it so I told him I would make it Saturday.  Iknew that I could resist eating it for 1 day because tomorrow I’m going to allow myself a little freedom with my food choices before we begin the 12-week contest.

I think I’m going to take pictures once a month or so to document my loss because I’m at a point where I think I see a difference in my face but I’m not sure.  If I take the pictures and just upload them to my computer nobody ever has to see them but they can be there for me to chart my progress.  The best info would be if I posed in a bra and undies but I don’t know if I’m that brave, yet.  Maybe I’ll dig out my bathing suit and use that.

I resisted the Pizza Hut pizza!  The food wasn’t even the pull, it was the friendship.  I got stopped in the hallway after I retreived my salad and by the time I got done talking to that person it wasn’t worth my time to go to the classroom where they had the pizza (we only have 20 minutes to inhale our lunch).  Regardless of the reason I succeeded and I will persevere through today and tomorrow, allowing myself some carb-y foods on Sunday before I hit round 2 of the challenge.

My competitive streak is sometimes too strong.  Sunday is the official ending of our first round of TBL and I’m guessing I’m going to come in 2nd place regardless of how dedicated I am the rest of the week.  Knowing that, and really wanting to win the 2nd round because there is money at stake, I was contemplating easing off the diet for these next few days so that I can have better results for the next contest.  Stupid, I completely realize, but I don’t like coming in 2nd.  What started this thinking was getting on the stinking scale.  I was feeling light this morning so I thought a good report would give me extra strength to withstand the free Pizza Hut pizza that is being delivered for lunch today but instead of seeing good results I was up to 281.0.  My brain realizes that scales are so fickle and that this is what I get for weighing myself every day but my spirit is saying “screw it”.  Plus, my TOM is coming so I’m probably retaining some water plus I had 4 beefsticks before bed last night which is surely adding to the water retention.

Fortunately I made my lunch before I went to bed last night so since I’m too cheap to waste food I’m going to stick with the plan.  I’m for sure going to exercise Sat/Sun (Fridays are my days off because I have to pick my kids up at the sitters right after school) and allow myself to loosen up the dieting restrictions a little over the weekend.  Not so much that it will screw up my sugar cravings but just enough to help me be strong through the next 12 weeks of the competition.   Plus, when I got dressed I put on a pair of pants that used to be very tight and now they fit perfectly.  Hopefully these pants will be a reminder for me all day.