It’s all up to me

Man…I always knew I needed my routine but I never knew how much until these last few days.  Let’s just say that I have not been making good choices.  Yesterday I went to the preschool thing and decided to have a nibble off my son’s muffin.  That nibble led to a cookie.  Then later I was running some errands and the earlier cookie led to 3 more.  Here comes my secret eating again.  I never would have eaten it in front of my hubby or kids.  I confessed my “sin” to him when I got home which led him to want to eat something bad and since I still haven’t conquered my all-or-nothing thinking we ate KFC for supper.  The thing that totally sucked about that was that the food wasn’t any good.  But you know me, I ate it anyway.

Today was a fresh start.  We didn’t have school due to MLK day but instead had a speaker to attend.  I was able to sleep in but awoke to my son having a seizure.  He has been having them more frequently but this was the first one since October where we considered taking him to the hospital.  Fortunately he is ok now but it wasn’t how I wanted to start the day.  Even so, I planned to stay on track.  I had my hard-boiled eggs for breakfast but didn’t plan well for the rest of the day which allowed me to become famished.  So my co-dependent hubby and I went out for lunch and had not only an appetizer platter but I had fajitas for lunch!!!  But damn, they were good.

So now I’m here to remind myself that what’s done is done and I can’t change it. What I can do is make good choices for the rest of the day and realize that tomorrow I’ll get back to my regular routine.  Food will be ok tomorrow with school and I will have the chance to have my regular workout after school.  I will get there, it just might take longer than I had planned.

My sister and I have been emailing and she commented how weight loss is a marathon and not a sprint.  This is a mantra that I am desperately trying to cling to right now.  I was excited for my weekly weigh-in this morning and was then devastated to see that I gained a pound.  Logically, I know I didn’t exercise as much as I normally do and that my eating wasn’t as strict as usual (damn those peanuts and carrots) but it’s still discouraging. 

I am going to keep on track, though.  I am smart enough to realize that if I continue to exercise and eat healthy foods that I WILL lose weight and inches.  It may not be as fast as I would like it to happen but it will happen.  I have already gotten in my workout today and my hubby went shopping so our fridge is full of healthy foods.  And fortunately for my ego when I weighed myself after my workout it showed that I had lost, not gained, a pound.  Even though I know these results might not be as reliable I’m going with it, I’m now at 277.  We have a preschool function after church today where there will be treats and I need that pound to cling to so I don’t dive head-first into the cake.

Maybe my results from last week were a good thing.  I’m someone who loves exercise but I let life get in the way (appts, snow removal, feeling guilty for taking time for myself, etc.)  This week I know that I cannot let that happen.  Yesterday, for instance, was completely my fault.  My hubby and oldest son went to the grocery store and I stayed home with the baby.  It just so happened the baby went down for a nap about 5 minutes after they left.  Instead of getting housework done I decided to snuggle in bed for a little bit.  Two hours later I hear my boys come home and I realize that I slept the entire time they were gone.  I admitted to my hubby that I fell asleep and he told me to still workout (the baby was up by this time) so I did but I was feeling so guilty that he hadn’t had a break all morning that I stopped after 15 minutes.  I wonder if the men have these guilty feelings like we women always seem to have???

My dilemma for today is going to be the cake/cookies at the preschool celebration.  Knowing that this is a marathon I can’t deprive myself of sweets forever.  What I have decided to do is if the cake/cookies truly seem irresistable I am going to allow myself to have some.  But only if the frosting is buttercream (I hate that whipped stuff) and only if the cookies look like they’re chewey and really chocolatey.  I’m not going to eat just for the sake of eating.  This will be a special treat and since we don’t have any dangerous foods in the house I know that I will stay on track after that.  I’ll let you all know what I ended up doing tomorrow.

When I was younger I always remember my dad saying something like “And you’re the smart one in the family” whenever I did something stupid.  I always did well in school and do consider myself to be a smart person.  But sometimes, even with all of the brains in the world, we make stupid choices.

This is the biggest frustration I have with my weight.  I am smart and I know exactly what I need to do to lose weight and be healthy.  But I choose the wrong path.  Not always…to be honest, not even very often.  But when I do make the “stupid” choice I really beat myself up about it.

You might be wondering what got me started on this tirade.  Looking back over the last few days the only really “stupid” choice I made was getting on the scale at 3:30 pm.  I know, I had my hubby hide the scale, but I knew where it was and for some reason I thought I would be happy with what it would say.  Last Monday am I was 278.0 and yesterday afternoon I was 279.5.  Have I gained???  Probably not, it’s just the fact that it was afternoon instead of morning and I was clothed.  But instantly I wanted to throw in the towel and eat, EXACTLY THE REASON I HAVE MY HUBBY HIDE THE SCALE.  I was wise enough to realize this was foolish so I allowed myself to eat but it had to be SBD friendly food.

But the thing that has really got me beating myself up is I have finally realized that this has to be a lifetime change for me, not something I do for a while.  Again, I have always known this in my mind but for some reason it hasn’t sunk in until now.  And I also know that I feel 100 times better when I eat healthy foods and exercise, but sometimes the taste of a chewy cookie is worth feeling crappy later.

I’m hoping when I have a chance to get back on track with my exercise later today that things will improve.  I haven’t worked out since Tuesday and I have really missed it.  My hubby and oldest son are going to get groceries right now but when they get back I get my hour to workout.  Tomorrow is my weigh-in day so I know I’ll be on track for today.

I should lose about 100 pounds this weekend just by my body burning enough calories to stay warm.  On Saturday our temp is supposed to be -3.  That’s during the daytime and doesn’t even count the wind chill.  Overnight Saturday night I think we’re supposed to dip down to -25.  YIKES!

<> I wasn’t able to exercise yesterday due to my hubby having to shovel snow when he would normally be watching the kids for me so I’m going to workout today instead.  Normally Friday is my rest day so I just switched them around.  I was worried last night that not working out would make for a tough food night again but for some reason it wasn’t.  Today I’m really hungry but luckily our school got rid of their vending machines so I can only eat the healthy food I brought with me.

I’m excited to weigh in again on Sunday and see how I did.  If we end up going out Saturday night (remember, -25 degrees without the windchill) I’m going to wear my new, smaller jeans.  I can’t wait.  But if we decide to stay in due to the cold it won’t be the end of the world because then I’m not tempted to drink which is never good for the diet.

Stay warm!

Well, it wasn’t pretty but I made it through yesterday.  I know my calories were higher than I would usually eat but everything was SBD approved.  The only exception might be the amount of peanuts I ate last night.  We were watching a movie and I was truly hungry and wanting something salty.  I ate about 30-40 cocktail peanuts.  But this was a better snack choice than the Hostess Cupcake my MIL sent home with my 4 year-old.  If he doesn’t eat it today it’s going in the garbage.

We got the snow but not a snow day so I’m anticipating the kids are going to be CRAZY.  I’m hoping, though, it will allow me to keep my regular schedule and workout after school.

Man, I can’t believe what impact not exercising has on me.  I am ready to tear through the cabinets and eat ANYTHING that has a carb.  There are visions of french fries, animal crackers and chocolate chip cookies dancing in my head.  I know a lot of this also has to do with the fact that I’m tired and had an awful day at school today.  We are on the verge of a major snowstorm so the kids are hyper with the likelihood of no school tomorrow and possibly even Friday.  Being honest I’m pretty excited about it too.  I know we just had Christmas break and I was sick one day last week but I’m sick of the kids!!!  I’m sure they are sick of me, too.  What scares me, though, is if we have snow days there is no guarantee that I’ll be able to work out.  The kids will stay home with me so I won’t have free time to workout. 

OK, I think I’m over the major urge for the moment.  I just ate a healthy snack and supper will be in about an hour.  Fortunately there is no “bad” food in the house so I should be ok the rest of the night.  And I know I’ll be able to sleep tonight because it’s my hubby’s turn to get up with the baby.  If we have a snow day tomorrow I’ll cross that bridge then, but I will find a way to exercise.  I have to, I don’t want to have to fight these urges for a 2nd day.

Not much to write.  Diet is going well and so is exercise.  I think I’m getting close to the time when someone is going to ask “Have you lost weight?”  I see a few of my friends looking at me more closely but I know sometimes people hold off because if you ask someone that and they haven’t lost weight sometimes people worry that they are implying that you should.  Weird thoughts, I know…maybe this is another example of me over-analyizing everything. 

Today might be a tiny bit difficult because I’m not going to be able to exercise.  My son has physical therapy after school which means I miss my workout time.  On top of that I’m going to be tired because the baby decided to get up at 3:53.  Why is it he only gets up early when it’s my night to listen to him?  The last 2 times it has been my night he has gotten up around 4:00 while he’s sleeping through for my hubby.  And right now he’s getting a breathing treatment and is NOT happy.  Oh well, 8 more minutes and I can pick him up and give him a bottle.

So my goal for today is to trudge through the tiredness and not let missing exercise give me an excuse to go off plan.  Even with missing today I will have worked out 5 days this week so I’m just allowing my muscles to repair.

Is it possible to have a healthy compulsion?  I think I’m trading my compulsive tendencies toward food for exercise.  Yesterday I started feeling like crap around lunchtime, just very weak and a few people told me I looked tired and pale.  I went home after school and debated the whole time on if I should hop on the treadmill or not.  By this time I think I may have had a small fever because I was feeling a bit flushed.  I definitely wanted to workout because I enjoy it and the feeling I have afterward but I realized that if I’m sick that maybe my body needs a rest.  I truly considered the pros/cons of the situation and finally decided to walk on the treadmill but at a slower speed than normal and I didn’t run during commercials.  I figured I would give it 10 minutes or so and if I didn’t feel any better I was going to stop.  Fortunately the gamble paid off because I felt much better afterward.  Another thing I considered was that I probably wouldn’t have felt any better if I skipped the exercise so it was worth a try.  As I’m thinking this through I think I made a rational decision but I’m worried that I might be trying to rationalize my behavior and compulsions have gotten me into trouble in the past.  It’s a very good thing I don’t drink and that I have never tried drugs because I think I could become addicted very easily.

Our contest is going well and the funny thing is that my 58 year-old mother is kicking butt.  She has lost over 3% and the next closest person is one of my brothers at 1.95%.  I realize that part of it is that she had definitely been enjoying the holiday season so she got that initial rush of weight loss but it’s just funny that the oldest person is beating us all and she hasn’t even started exercising yet.  Oh well, I’m in the middle of the pack and having the contest against myself is really helping my mindset.

So was yesterday’s Oprah.  I wish there was an entire network devoted to people who have successfully lost weight through diet/exercise.  Seeing that one woman who lost 225 pounds is inspiring.  I “only” need to lose about 125 more.  If she can do it so can I.  And what about the guy who was almost 800 pounds.  If he doesn’t get discouraged I shouldn’t either.

Today begins week 2 of our Biggest Loser Challenge.  Although I am very pleased with my progress I know that when the reports start coming in today I am going to feel discouraged in comparison.  I lost 4 pounds which is about 1.3% of my body weight but I’m sure there are going to be people out there who lose much more.  Knowing that I’m trying to be prepared and one of the ways is to remind myself that I’m in a competition with myself.  On Round’s advice I’m going to focus on what I want to accomplish and if I happen to win the money then it’s extra.  Besides, my hubby is 1 of 2 men in the contest and as we know men lose weight much faster and easier than women.

To help keep things in perspective I have decided that if I meet my Easter goal (lose 20 pounds by then) I will let myself get something new for fitness; either a piece of equipment or Turbo Jam.  I am obsessed with these infomercials.  Right now I’m pretty happy with my FIRM DVD’s and treadmill but I’m guessing by then I’ll be wanting something to mix it up.  Once I get under 275 I can start using the Total Gym again and I’m looking forward to that as well.

So my goal for today is to remind myself that just because others are successful it doesn’t mean that I didn’t do well.  Four pounds in one week isn’t anything to sneeze at and even if I don’t win the money at the end I would gladly pay $100 to lose 20 or more pounds.

I lost 4 pounds this week!!!  I am so glad I had my hubby hide the scale, this is something we’re going to continue.  I also lost 1% body fat.  I had planned to wait 1 month to recheck the bodyfat but he wasn’t sure which scale to bring out so he brought them both. 

The funny thing was last night I had dreams about getting on the scale.  I kept dreaming that it said 272 which I knew was unrealistic (that would be a 10 pound loss) but I was thinking maybe it would be 276.  Being honest, I was a bit disappointed that it only said 278 but then I realized that I lost 4 pounds in one week and I am truly in the 270’s.  I know it has been at least 6 months since I have been in the 270’s and usually it was 279.5.  Oh, I also tried on the other pair of size 22 jeans and they zipped, too.  I’m still not to the point where I would feel comfortable wearing them in public but one week can make a difference.

My plan for today is to determine which workouts I’m going to do this week.  I already did my toughest workout today and will be able to workout Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday.