It’s all up to me

Last night was my first holiday test and I’m proud to say I passed.  We had my older son’s Christmas program at preschool and afterward there were cookies and juice in the big gathering room.  I didn’t even really want the cookies (they were store-bought so they were fairly easy to pass up) but the hardest part was sitting there doing nothing while everyone else was eating cookies and drinking juice.  What I finally realized is I don’t think very many people were focusing on what I was or was not doing, they were too absorbed with taking care of their own families.  This has given me renewed strength to make good choices through the holidays.

Tomorrow night is Christmas at my mother-in-law’s which will probably be the hardest place.  It’s not so much the food that will be there but the fact that I will be the only person on a diet.  So many people have the philosophy of “don’t worry, it’s the holidays” that they try to pressure you into eating things you don’t want to eat.  Deep down I think it’s that if I publicly state that I’m on a diet that people will realize that I’m fat.  I realize this is rediculous because all you have to do is look at me to see that but it brings to light that I’m not happy being fat because I want to do something about it.  And if I’m being completely honest I think my biggest fear is that if I publicly try to lose weight and then don’t accomplish it then everyone will know that I failed at this.  I have always been the person who was able to accomplish everything she set her mind to so failure is not something I’m comfortable with.  It’s amazing how much honest can come out of writing these postings.

Hopefully today won’t be too tough.  We have a delay for school today due to fog so the day will be shorter.  Crazy, yes, but shorter.  Tonight we’re staying home so it will be easy to control what I eat for the last time in about 5 days.  Happy Friday!

I dodged a huge bullet yesterday.  I teach French, German and Spanish to middle schoolers and I was previewing a video about French Christmas traditions to see if I wanted to show it in class.  One tradition is to eat a cake that resembles a yule log and I was thinking of how I could bring this to my class.  Finally it clicked, those Little Debbie Swiss Rolls look very similar to the yule log.  I quickly calculated the price in my head and realized it wouldn’t break the bank to get a swiss roll for every kid as a nice holiday treat.  Then I realized that even the strongest willpower would not allow me to get through the day without eating one so I decided not to bring the treats to class.  But the damage had been done; thoughts of swiss rolls were swimming in my head.  After making 100% healthy choices for 10 days I broke.  My hubby and oldest son were out of the house and the baby was down for a nap so I scoured the cabinets looking for something that would satisfy.  I was smart enough to realize I wasn’t going to eat just anything…if I was going to break my diet it was going to be for something that I really wanted.  Thank God we didn’t have anything yummy in the house.  Even though the craving stuck with me through the rest of the night I made it through without straying from the plan.

And let me be honest.  I think part of what fueled this urge was the fact that I caved and hopped on the scale.  I was feeling light (don’t ask my how I can tell, I just thought the scale would make me happy) and instead of going down the scale was up to 284.5 (I was 283.0 on Monday).  Realistically I know that weighing yourself naked first thing in the morning is going to get better results than fully clothed with a full bladder at 5 in the evening but somehow I was still expecting a miracle.

So this reinforces my resolve to stay off the scale.  I am going to save it for a treat on Sunday morning because I know it will show some progress and we have a party Sunday afternoon/evening which will test my resolve.  Having good momentum to get me through the day is what I need. Plus, my 3 sisters will be at this party as well (they are the ones that I am in the contest with) so I think we will keep each other in check.

Amazingly the diet and exercise are still going well.  Yesterday I ate according to plan and was able to do about 30 minutes of Pilates as well as 40 minutes on the treadmill.  I got “Ugly Betty” on DVD from Blockbuster and I’ll watch an episode each time I hop on the treadmill.  It’s the only thing that can keep me on it for any length of time.  I used to watch movies but since there is no way to complete an entire movie in 1 workout it would be easy to stop early and just pick up from there the next time.

My big accomplishment is that I resisted the scale this morning.  I really wanted to see how I was doing but since I don’t want to change my plan the results really didn’t matter.  I know it sounds small but this was a huge accomplishment for me.  I’m going to hold out until Saturday morning because hopefully seeing positive results will give me the resolve to get through our first holiday party Saturday night.

Yesterday went pretty well.  I ate according to plan and got in a great workout.  I also finally wrapped up my Christmas shopping.  Hooray!!  Our 4 year-old has been telling Santa he wants a blue, remote-control jeep for Christmas and I guess we sort of spaced it off so I sent my hubby on the mission yesterday.  Everywhere he went there were green jeeps and yellow jeeps or blue trucks but no blue jeep.  Finally I headed to 1 last store and we found it.  It’s HUGE and he’s going to love it.  Now I can sit back and enjoy the holidays.

My focus for right now is coming up with a plan to get through our 5 Christmas parties without ruining all of the progress I have made.  They start on Saturday and go through Tuesday.  My main plan is to make sure I fit in a workout every day but Christmas Day (I know that never will happen, I’ll take that as my day off).  When I exercise that helps to keep me on track.  I’ll have to keep thinking of ways that I can realistically make good food choices at all of these parties.  Any ideas other than the typical eat something before you go, chew gum, bring a healthy dish yourself, etc????

To my surprise I lost another pound.  We had ham for supper the last 2 nights so I figured I would be retaining some water due to the salt.  Plus, my fingers were swollen so I wasn’t going to be surprised if I gained weight.  What a great way to start the week.  So to make it official I lost 6 pounds last week for a grand total of 2.07%.  Today after school I’m going to be able to get in a good workout which should help keep me on track.  The only day this week I’m expecting to have trouble fitting in a workout is Thursday because I have an eye appointment but I should still be able to fit in a 30-45 minute workout.  If the weather is nice I can just walk to the eye doctor and kill 2 birds with one stone.

<> Hope everyone else had a good weekend.

It’s funny how your opinion on something can change in a moment.  This week I lost 5 pounds.  I was thrilled.  I’m even more proud of the fact that I honestly stuck to my eating plan and didn’t cheat one time.  Then one of my sisters came over and she mentioned that she has lost 8 pounds this week.  Incredible!  What’s even more amazing is that she only weighs 185 pounds whereas I weigh 289.  So all of a sudden those 5 pounds that I lost seem like nothing and I was upset with my progress.  She lost her weight doing the cabbage soup diet so I’m assuming that she won’t continue to post these big numbers but it’s still discouraging.  This is why I hate the scale.  I wish there was a fair way that we could have our contest without relying on weight.

So my goal for today is to try to refocus my thoughts on all of the good things I did this week.  I don’t think I have ever gone an entire week without making at least 1 bad choice.  I also got in 2 really good workouts and I should be able to get in at least 4 workouts this week.  And I’m trying to make myself be happy for my sister’s loss, right now I’m not there yet.  Immature, I know, but that’s honesty.

Wow, if every day could only be like yesterday I would be happy.  I got back to my normal routine and eating according to the plan wasn’t nearly as hard as it was when we were snowed in.  The kids were relatively good at school yesterday so the day passed quickly.  I had time after school to work out and even did a bit of extra shoveling until my hubby got home with the kids.  We had a great supper (pork chops and salad) and my 4 year-old didn’t have a meltdown like he has been having several times a day all week.  My younger son slept through the night AGAIN and now it’s Friday!  I’m not sure if I’ll be able to exercise over the weekend because I’m having LASIK surgery today and I’m not sure if there are any restrictions afterward.  But I will stick to my eating plan because I know my first weigh in for our Biggest Loser contest is Monday morning.

One pledge I am going to make to myself is to find the time to read others’ blogs and comment.  I have so greatly appreciated the support that many have provided me lately and I want to give it back.  So please know that even if I’m not commenting back that I do read everything people post and it truly helps me through the day.

Finally real life is back.  We are at school, on time, which means a regular day.  I have not been at school since 10:30 on Monday due to my son’s appt and then 2 snow days.  They were great while they were here but I know I’m going to be cursing them in June.  Oh well, nothing I can do about it.

<> The good news is that usually when I’m at school I don’t have as much difficulty sticking to my diet.  I am so busy and I follow a general routine where I have lots of snacks and eat a salad for lunch.  I will be able to workout after school because my hubby will pick up the kids.  Hooray.  Then life gets all crazy again because I’m having LASIK surgery tomorrow but I’m guessing I’ll do pretty good  on the diet after that because I’ll be knocked out for a while afterward due to the valium.

I slipped up and hopped on the scale this morning even though I wanted to wait until Sunday.  What is it about a stupid machine that has so much power over us.  Fortunately it was a good gamble, I’m down to 285.5 from 289.0 on Monday.  It has been a huge struggle but the closest I have come to falling off the plan is a bunch of baby carrots the last 2 days.  I know they are healthy but they are higher in carbs than I typically allow myself.  But I figured they were better for me than some hi-fat cheese or other approved lo-carb item.

I guess I had better get ready for the day.  The kids are going to be absolutely crazy after being home for 2 days so I need to make sure my lesson plans are in tip-top shape.  Have a good day, everyone!

School is cancelled again today which probably isn’t too bad since I’m quite weepy today due to the anniversary (see last post if you don’t know what I’m talking about).  On the other hand, though, it leaves me with a lot of unstructured time that could easily be filled by eating.  I have a call into my sister-in-law who is also our babysitter to see if she could still take the kids for the day.  This way I can keep myself busy, finish up things for Christmas and get in a workout.  The roads where we live are fine so I’m not worried about driving and I think a day to myself would be a good idea.  But so far I’m still running strong with the eating and I also figured out why I was so hungry lately, my period showed up today.  Since my hubby has had a vasectomy I haven’t kept good track of my cycle so it tends to sneak up on me.  Hopefully this will subdue the beast that was my hunger for the last few days.

I am really struggling today but I am proud to say that I have made healthy choices all day.  First of all, we’re home today due to the ice storm and when I’m not busy at school I’m more aware of my hunger.  So basically today I have been trying to listen to my body and eat when I’m hungry.  The “worst” thing I have eaten today were a bunch of baby carrots.  I know they’re healthy but they’re higher in carbs than I usually eat. 

The other issue that’s affecting me is that tomorrow is the 1 year-anniversary of my son’s diagnosis.  Even though his disease is progressing slowly there is no ignoring the fact that he has a terminal condition and will die, most likely before he reaches his teens.  On top of that our 4 year-old has been talking a lot lately about how sad he is that his brother is going to die.  We encourage him to share his feelings so I’m glad he’s talking about it but it’s still very tough.  Maybe this is why I’m needing such a restrictive eating plan right now.  Since so much of my life is out of my control, eating is 1 thing I can control.  Geez, what am I paying my therapist for, I can figure this stuff out for myself.