It’s all up to me

I made it through the night not eating anything that wasn’t healthy.  I worked out right when I got home and had a small chicken breast afterward to keep me full until supper.  We had major drama last night so that helped because I somewhat lost my appetite but just about when I started getting the munchies I decided to go to bed instead.  Good thing because the baby got up at 1 and didn’t go back down until almost 4.  This morning the scale said 282.5 (yay!!) so now I need to keep this good head of steam rolling through the weekend.  Even though the scale isn’t moving much I have noticed my hips slimming down which is more important to me anyway.  Now that I have shown myself that I can resist temptation I just need to make the right choices.

I think I finally figured it out.  I overeat and make bad choices out of a need to belong.  Today I was with a few other teachers and they began to eat the leftover cake from our contest yesterday.  I resisted at first because I recognized that I wasn’t hungry.  In all honesty, the cake didn’t even seem very appealing.  But after being with them for a while I decided to have 1 piece and then 2.  WHAT WAS I THINKING!!!!  But as I went back to my classroom I finally realized that I didn’t want to be the only one who wasn’t eating.  It’s not like the other teachers were even pressuring me into eating.  I just think that if they see me not eating that they will assume it’s because I’m fat and I’m depriving myself.  I’m sure that’s the fat point of view talking, because I would guess that someone who’s thin who sees someone not eating would just assume that they aren’t hungry.

Realizing I couldn’t undo what I had eaten I just focused on making good choices the rest of the day and I am happy to say that I have been successful.  I almost scrapped my salad at lunch for the yummy popcorn chicken and mashed potatoes being served in the cafeteria (the old way of thinking that I had blown it already so I might as well eat).  But then I recognized how stupid that was and ate my salad.  After school I came directly home and did a FIRM DVD for 45 minutes so now I just need to focus on supper.

I swear I must be afraid of succeeding because I keep making the dumbest choices.  I can succeed in every other area of my life.  I have a Masters Degree and am very successful in my career but I can’t seem to figure out how to keep from putting crap into my mouth.  Although I can’t imagine why I’m afraid to succeed that must be the reason.

<> Just now I ate about 15 little pieces of chocolate.  Not the end of the world, I realize, but completely stupid.  It’s all because my schedule got disrupted.  Normally I work out right after school but I had a kid with a detention tonight.  I’ll still be able to workout but only for about 40 minutes instead of an hour.  So as I was talking with the other teachers after school they were eating and I chimed in.  As I was eating each bite the voice in my head was screaming “DON’T” but I ignored her.  To make it worse I have to bake a cake for a contest at school tomorrow so I know I figured “I’ll eat some cake batter while I’m cooking so what’s a few more pieces of candy??”

Trying out my new pledge to get back on the wagon immediately after a slip I am still going to go home and workout.  It would be tempting to spend this time shopping before I pick up the boys but I’m going to do something.  Having worked out combined with the Biggest Loser being on tonight should help me avoid temptation with the cake.  Plus, my 4 year old is going to help me and my hubby is a complete freak with eating uncooked eggs (in the cake batter) so I won’t be able to sneak a bit with him around.

I need to dig deep and find the strength.  I can do this.

It’s funny how when you get a handle on one aspect of weight loss the other parts seem to slide.  I’m now working out fairly regularly and loving it but I’m still struggling with late-night eating.  Yesterday’s food was great during the day and even through supper, but after supper I dug into the “secret” candy stash my husband has.  In his defense he thinks he hid it well.  That’s our deal; since he’s not currently dieting if he brings crap into the house he has to hide it from me.  But I found where he hid the candy and I haven’t told him yet.  I know that what I should do is have him re-hide it, or better yet not buy anything.  But for the time being I’m holding myself in check and a few small pieces of candy at night are getting me through the day.  At this point I’m still losing so as long as that happens I’m not going to take away the candy completely.  This might be a foolish plan but when I do an all or nothing plan it works for a while and then causes a huge binge.  I’m going to try this moderation concept and see if it works.  Good luck to everyone out there!!!

I’m happy to report that things are still moving in the right direction.  My official weigh in this morning was 284.0 which means I have lost 7 pounds in 2 weeks.  I’m thrilled because I haven’t done well with eating or exercise.  What I think is different this time is that I’m trying to be perfect but am failing a little bit every day.  But instead of scrapping the whole thing I just get back right on the horse immediately.  Sometimes I fall off again 20 minutes later but I keep getting back on.  And happily it’s working because I have on a pair of pants today that are a size 22!!!  It’s not a total victory because some of my 24’s are still tight but at least it’s a moral victory.

A true measure of success for me are a pair of jeans I bought last spring.  They are a size 22 and at this point are VERY snug.  My goal is to wear them on Thanksgiving and have them be comfortable.  They will look good and it will be a reminder to me not to go crazy that day.

It seems like I say this every week but hopefully this will be the week that I will be able to exercise on a regular basis.  Last week my sitter ended up getting very sick and she asked if I could pick the kids up right after school.  I didn’t want to but this allowed her to still watch them every day instead of calling in sick to me so it was worth the sacrifice.  She still has a cold but said this morning that she should be able to keep the kids until 4:30 which will allow me to work out.  I can’t wait to see the changes that will come when I’m exercising, too.

Hope everyone had a good weekend and good success in your goals.

I wasn’t as strong last night as I had wanted to be.  It wasn’t even like I couldn’t help myself to the Halloween candy, I consciously chose to eat it so I am going to count it as a small victory.

This morning I was feeling weak and planning to stop and pick up a cappuccino, I can only imagine how many carbs are in one of those.  Anyway, my throat was hurting and I wanted something warm and caffeinated.  But when I was getting ready I decided to hop on the scale and I was down 2.5 pounds from Monday so I’m at 285.5 today.  This gave me the resolve to stay on the program and not undo the good I have done.

I am now at school and if my throat continues to hurt I can make some green tea.  Not only is it 0 carbs and calories, it helps to speed up my metabolism.  I will be fine eating today and tonight we’re having pork chops so I will be on track for supper as well. Making it through the weekend will really get me on a roll but for now I just need to take it 1 day at a time.