It’s all up to me

I started working out again yesterday and I am sore today…but it’s that good kind of sore feeling, just enough to remind you that you did something physical.  It also could have something to do with the fact that I spent part of the night on the couch last night because my hubby was snoring and I couldn’t sleep.  Either way, it will remind me that I’m on the right track today because I am not able to exercise on Tuesdays.

Day 6 of the book talks about keeping yourself on track and not expecting others to do it for you.  It mainly talked about food but I actually had to do this yesterday with exercise.  My brother-in-law had our 4 year-old for the day and he was going to drop him off at our house right in the middle of our exercise time.  My hubby wouldn’t be there to watch him because he was going to pick up the baby.  I was tempted to say “OK, I’ll start working out later this week” but then figured out we could just put a note on the door telling them I was in the basement exercising.  Our 4 year-old loves to be in the basement and when he got down there he grabbed a light weight and started exercising with me.  It was fun because we got some time with just the 2 of us and he saw me working out, showing him that healthy habits are just part of life.

I had a good moment this morning when I was getting dressed.  I pulled out a skirt that was a size 22 (I usually hover between 24/26)  and it zipped.  I didn’t quite like how it looked so I pulled out a pair of pants that are a 22 as well and they are quite roomy.  Granted, the pants have a little bit of elastic in 2 parts of the waist but the tummy and thighs are not tight!!!  Yippee.  Now the real test will be a pair of size 22 jeans that I fit into last spring for about 5 minutes.  I’m not going to pull them out yet because I don’t want to let the wind out of my sails but at least things are going in the right direction.

Got to get ready for the day, Brandie

I will be writing about days 3-5 since I left my book at school over the weekend.

Day 3 of book (Do it anyway)

This is something that I need to remember.  When everything is going well there is no problem but as soon as I’m tired or hungry for something it’s so easy to find excuses.  Instead of giving in I need to “Do it anyway”.  My sister and I were talking this weekend and I explained that when I’m in the exercise/diet zone that things are automatic, I don’t even think about not making good choices.  It’s like car seats.  I would never think of driving without buckling my kids into their car seats, healthy choices needs to become that way for me.

Day 4–Boundaries

My narrow path includes my typical eating plan:  3 hardboiled eggs for breakfast, 2 cheesesticks for snacks before lunch, a lo-carb diet drink for lunch, 15 almonds for an afternoon snack and 1 lo-carb bar when I need it most.  After school I will have a snack when I get home and then a supper of protein (chicken, fish, hamburger) and some veggies.  I know, kind of boring but it’s automatic and doesn’t require any thought.  That’s where I get into trouble, when I have choices to make.  My wider path includes more of the same things, except the nuts.  Like yesterday, I ate my normal stuff but I was still hungry.  I waited a while to make sure it was actual hunger (which it was) so I just ate more of my approved foods.  Even though I felt wrong at first eating more than usual I just reminded myself that if I’m truly hungry that I need to eat and they are all foods that will get me to my goal.

Day 5–magic notebook.  Although I read this the last time I used this book I forgot all about this technique.  Using a “magic notebook” (aka this blog) write down when you are having a particularly strong food craving.  That way the feeling is acknowledged but I realize it doesn’t have power over me.  If the craving continues I can decide what to do later but I don’t have to act on it right now.  A year or two ago I tried a similar tactic.  I was picking up Burger King for my hubby  and I planned to get a salad for myself.  On the way to the drive thru I said out loud to myself in the car “I do not want a burger and fries, I am going to order a healthy salad.”  It took a few times to convince myself of this but by the time I placed my order Ihad no problem ordering my salad.  Secret eating is something I struggle with so the fact that I overcame the desire to order something and wolf it down in the car before I got home was a huge accomplishment for me.

Whew…a lot of writing.  This will teach me not to forget my book again.  Have a great Monday,

Brandie

Today was my official weigh-in and I’m down to 284.0.  When I started this process at the beginning of August I was 295 and when I re-started last Tuesday I was 288.5.  I’m quite pleased with 4.5 lbs in 6 days considering I did not exercise at all, just completely stuck to the lo-carb eating.  I now have a workable plan in place so I’m expecting great things for next week, too.

If I haven’t already written it, the new plan is to come home after school on Mondays and Wednesdays and complete a FIRM workout and then get on the treadmill until 4:30.  This will give me 90 minutes on those 2 days.  On Fridays I will exercise after I have fed the baby when I get home and only do a FIRM workout or treadmill for a total of approximately 45 min-hour.  This is because my hubby will have to be taking care of the baby and that is about as long as they both can take.  And I will get in at least 1 workout on Saturday or Sunday.  Definitely not as much as I would like to be exercising but it is all that our life can handle right now.  I would rather schedule less exercise on a consistent basis than a ton all at once and then nothing.  I am a creature of habit and if I know I’m not exercising because it’s Tuesday then I won’t use it as an excuse to eat a brownie.  Hopefully my husband’s class schedule will work out next semester so he can pick up the kids every day but that’s beyond my control.  Plus, it’s 4 months away so what’s the good in wishing about it.

Thank you so much to everyone who commented on some of my previous posts.  It is really helping me stay focused.  I have also made sure I am taking the time to comment on others’ postings…after all, if I want comments I should take the time to help others.

Enjoy the rest of the weekend,

Brandie

Today has been a good day so far.  Eating has been on track and with the perfect weather we’re having our entire family got outside.  Our oldest rode his bike, we threw the baby in the stroller and my hubby and I walked.  I know he hated every minute of it (he still thinks it’s too hot) but it was nice to get outside as a family.  Sadly, we had to cut it short because my 4 year-old ran into my husband and the stroller on purpose so we went home so he could sit in his room.  But the weather is supposed to be good for quite some time so we should be able to get outside again tomorrow.  Plus, we ordered a special swing for our baby and it came so maybe we’ll be able to get outside and swing in the backyard.

On a great note as well I noticed while we were walking that my hubby has really slimmed down.  I was putting some pictures in the photo album this morning from May and was really able to see a difference.  I told him and he didn’t really believe me (he lives in sweats/sweat shorts with elastic waists so he can’t tell by his pants) so I’m going to show him the picture when he gets back from the store.  I’m so happy for him but of course a bit jealous…I wish women could lose as fast as men. 

I forgot my 100 Days of Weight loss book at school so I can’t blog about days 3 and 4.  I’m still going to stay on track, I’ll just catch up on the daily lessons when I return to school on Monday.

 Instead, I’m going to say something that has been on my mind for a while.  I haven’t written about it because if I’m misinterpreting the situation I risk offending anyone who is reading this and that truly is not my intention.  Knowing that I’m worried about offending people I only know in cyberspace also made me realize how big of a “people pleaser” I have become.

When I first started this blog I had comments posted by others on a fairly regular basis.  That wasn’t my intention when I began writing but I soon realized how much it helped to receive supportive words from others.  Then, when my son nearly died and my writings shifted from weight loss and exercise to more personal feelings the comments dropped off.  I realize it could be a total coincidence (maybe my blog isn’t very interesting and people aren’t reading it) and I also realize often that when you are dealing with a termially ill child that people often don’t know what to say.  If this is the case and you want to comment but are worried about saying the wrong thing, just know there is nothing worse than hearing nothing at all.  I think these feelings are being compounded by the fact that the majority of our friends and family have dropped their levels of support as his illness goes on.  At first, our phone rang off the hook, our mailbox was stuffed with cards and our emails were overflowing.  Now, other than our parents and a few consistent friends we don’t hear anything from anyone.  Intellectually we know that people still care about him and us but when times get tough it feels like we’re all alone.  Then, add in the stress of both of us returning to school and trying to lose weight and life sometimes seems overwhelming.  And due to our son’s illness we can’t just hire a babysitter and get out as a couple which adds to the isolation.

I hope people aren’t turned off by my complaining, I’m just at kind of a low point right now.  My plan is to still stick with things even if I never hear a word from anyone else.  Like my title says, “It’s all up to me.”  I will do this no matter how hard it gets and no matter how long it takes.

 Thanks for listening.

How can I show I’m committed vs. interested?  There have been times that I was definitely committed and during those times nothing distracted me from my goal.  Knowing that, I am going to re-create the environment I had at that time.  What made me so successful last time was that my schedule was predictable and automatic.  Knowing that, I looked at my husband’s school schedule last night and found that he could pick up the kids MWF so I could go home and workout right after school.  I had tried to workout in my classroom after school but it never happened.  Part of it was that I was embarrassed to do it, and part of it was that my time was very crunched doing it that way.  With the new plan, I will be able to leave school around 2:35 which means I can be in my house and working out by 3:00.   Hubby will have the kids home around 3:45 and he knows I may stay downstairs until 4:30.  I will also exercise one day on the weekend, anything extra will be a bonus.

<> I will take my measurements once a month and weigh myself  weekly.  As of Tuesday this week my weight was 288.5.  My short-term goal is to be in the 270’s by the end of September and then lose 10 pounds a month after that.  I also want to be in a pair of size 22 jeans I bought last spring by Halloween and have them be comfortable.  Right now I’m a tight 24 or loose 26.  Hope everyone else is having success on their journey.

I am going to start using this blog in a different way.  I have a book titled “100 Days of Weight Loss” that gives daily mental exercises to keep you focused and make you think about weight loss.  I used it a couple of years ago when I lost a lot of weight and it really helped.  But instead of writing my answers in a journal I’m going to put them here.

<> Day 1

<><>Fears/negative behaviors:   That I won’t be successful, that once I make a bad choice I use that as an excuse to eat whatever I want, that my husband will resent time I take for myself to exercise because he already has so much stress in his life and watching the boys will add to it, that I will use my son’s illness as an excuse to eat and not exercise.

I used to… worry about being successful but now I realize that I have achieved many difficult things in the past and I can do this too.  …throw in the towel if I made a bad choice but now I realize that it is just that, a choice, and I can turn things around whenever I want to.   …put the needs of others before me but now I realize that if I do not take care of myself that I cannot take care of others.  I also realize that I have a fantastic husband and he may not actually resent “me” time, I just think he might.  …use my son’s illness as an excuse.  Although I’m honestly facing obstacles due to his being sick I need to accept it as a part of life and modify my plan.  I realize that I will probably not be able to exercise 6 days a week but I can do it 3 times a week.  Then if I have time for more it’s a bonus, not a setback.  My progress may be slower than other times but I will make progress.

It’s amazing how easy it is to put things off for another day.  It’s Tuesday and we’re still not back on the program but at least I’m not throwing in the towel.  I’m going to approach it with something I read on here, not to wait until tomorrow to start over but start over the next hour.  It has been a few hours since I made a bad food choice and I’m going to focus on that instead of what I ate for supper.  And really, other than supper I ate nothing but healthy foods all day.

I need to come up with a new routine.  The plan had been to workout in my classroom after school was out but as of yet it has been too hot to even think about it.  The weather is supposed to be much cooler toward the end of the week so hopefully once things cool down I’ll be more able to get moving.  I just need to tell myself it’s going to happen and make it happen.

 I got ready to take my measurements last night to put in my FIRM booklet and about choked when I saw the tape measure they included was only 25 inches long.  HELLO!!!  If I could measure my waist/butt with a 25 inch tape measure I wouldn’t need your product.  So I just dug out a sewing tape measure and got the digits down on paper.

 At this point I’m not going to make any more grandiose plans but just take it one day at a time.  I’m also looking forward to the premiere of Biggest Loser tonight, that always motivates me.

I need help.  Since we have had my son home from the hospital I cannot get back on the program.  And it’s not even that I can’t, it’s that I don’t want to.  I realize that we have been through the ringer; I don’t know if I posted how serious his illness was but he nearly died.  The first day he was in the hospital the doctors talked to us three separate times about how we wanted to handle life support decisions.  Now that he’s home we are so happy to have him but I think we’re still walking on eggshells waiting for the next seizure or next bad thing to happen.

Part of the reason I think I’m having such a problem is that he will have surgery on Sept 17th which will interrupt any progress I will make.  I know, stupid excuse but it’s an easy excuse to make. 

My hubby and I have talked and we are both going to get back on the program on Monday.  I know we should start right now but we’re not ready and if we try we will fail.  I am also going to see my therapist but I can’t get in for almost 2 weeks.  I saw him a few times last spring when things were overwhelming and he helps a lot, I’m really looking forward to seeing him.

I’m at least proud of myself that I am blogging even though I am eating like crap and not exercising.  I will get there, I just need to keep getting up every time I fall down.  I WILL DO THIS!