It’s all up to me

I forgot my 100 Days of Weight loss book at school so I can’t blog about days 3 and 4.  I’m still going to stay on track, I’ll just catch up on the daily lessons when I return to school on Monday.

 Instead, I’m going to say something that has been on my mind for a while.  I haven’t written about it because if I’m misinterpreting the situation I risk offending anyone who is reading this and that truly is not my intention.  Knowing that I’m worried about offending people I only know in cyberspace also made me realize how big of a “people pleaser” I have become.

When I first started this blog I had comments posted by others on a fairly regular basis.  That wasn’t my intention when I began writing but I soon realized how much it helped to receive supportive words from others.  Then, when my son nearly died and my writings shifted from weight loss and exercise to more personal feelings the comments dropped off.  I realize it could be a total coincidence (maybe my blog isn’t very interesting and people aren’t reading it) and I also realize often that when you are dealing with a termially ill child that people often don’t know what to say.  If this is the case and you want to comment but are worried about saying the wrong thing, just know there is nothing worse than hearing nothing at all.  I think these feelings are being compounded by the fact that the majority of our friends and family have dropped their levels of support as his illness goes on.  At first, our phone rang off the hook, our mailbox was stuffed with cards and our emails were overflowing.  Now, other than our parents and a few consistent friends we don’t hear anything from anyone.  Intellectually we know that people still care about him and us but when times get tough it feels like we’re all alone.  Then, add in the stress of both of us returning to school and trying to lose weight and life sometimes seems overwhelming.  And due to our son’s illness we can’t just hire a babysitter and get out as a couple which adds to the isolation.

I hope people aren’t turned off by my complaining, I’m just at kind of a low point right now.  My plan is to still stick with things even if I never hear a word from anyone else.  Like my title says, “It’s all up to me.”  I will do this no matter how hard it gets and no matter how long it takes.

 Thanks for listening.