Being honest with myself
It’s amazing to me that even in this anonymous community that I feel that I need to lie about my eating. The other day when I ‘fessed to the apple crisp incident I was all proud of myself but neglected to mention that I had a SuzyQ when we got home. It wasn’t that I forgot, it was a conscious decision to omit the information. Why??? Because it showed that I was not able to eat one “bad” thing and then get back on the program, I went back to my old ways of once the diet is blown for the day to just eat whatever I wanted.
Fast-forward to today. Fortunately I was able to get back on the program beginning Wednesday morning and Thursday was good, too. This morning I wasn’t able to exercise because the baby got up early and I chose to get up with him instead of having my husband take care of him while I exercised. No big deal, I needed to mow the lawn today (didn’t get it done yesterday) so that would be my exercise. But for some reason, possibly the fact that I didn’t get the good feelings associated with exercise, I was very emotional and weepy this morning. After my husband got up and the baby was back in bed we crawled back into bed and just cuddled. Later in the day I was all alone in the house and decided to eat not 1 but 2 SuzyQ’s. I knew as I was putting them in my mouth that it was not what I really needed and that it was emotional eating but I didn’t care.
So that is my full confession. I have now cut the grass and we are grilling out tonight so the food will be healthy. My obstacle tomorrow will be that I have a bridal shower to go to where there will of course be a ton of food. Secretly I wonder if I sabotaged myself today so that if I go off the wagon tomorrow that it will be easier not to blame myself. I had already told myself that I will only eat healthy foods with the exception being the cake. If the cake is white with the buttercream frosting I will have 1 piece, it is my absolute favorite. I haven’t decided if I am going to allow myself the cake based on today’s eating. My head knows that I should not allow myself one bite of anything loaded with sugar but I am afraid that I won’t be able to do it. Admitting to myself that I can’t do something is very hard for me to do.
My number 1 goal for tomorrow is to exercise before the shower. That way if I do choose not to eat cake I will be much more likely to follow through. But no matter what happens it will be my choice, I will either CHOOSE to eat the cake or not, it won’t just happen.
You know, you are not alone… probably somewhere in the range of 90% of us lie at some point or another about what we eat. Why? Because, it’s our nature to want to show the “good” to people and not the “bad”. Have I done it? Sure. BUT…I read this book about dieting mistakes that women in particular make (not being honest being one of them) and I’m more apt to just say I did it. I ate the cookies. I ate pizza. Especially now I’m for darn sure that I’m going to write and record everything. Every good, bad, and in between. Personally, I would just not have the SuzyQ’s anywhere near me. I know myself. I know I’ll eat them. I don’t even have to be hungry (believe me, I work at Starbucks and if it weren’t a question of money I could eat all day long!). You are doing this for you, right? Would it be such a bad thing if you didn’t buy the stuff that you know you have the potential to be weak around? If you don’t have that stuff, you won’t eat it, you won’t have any feeling that you have to lie, you won’t have to analyse things, you won’t have the guilt feelings, etc.
Obviously you have a family to think about when doing the shopping, but they also need to support and respect that you are just simply not buying junk anymore. IF that is the choice you make. After all, you are so right, YOU are the one doing the choosing
Do whatever you have to do to get where you want to be