It’s all up to me

I have a feeling this is going to be a long weekend.  Both of the boys are sick, and when our older son is sick he wakes up crying/shouting.  He’s still 1/2 asleep so there’s no rationalizing w/him.  Last night the battle started b/c he took off his pants and wanted to sleep on the floor naked.  He’s still not potty trained at night so he wears what we call “nighttime undies”, without those we know he’ll pee on the floor.  Finally, after about 30 minutes of him shouting, my hubby telling him to keep his voice down (not very effective) and me trying to do the tough love approach, he put the undies back on and went back to bed.

Kyle has the beginnings of a nasty cold which means sleep for the next little while is going to be hit or miss.  He has a chest treatment he takes 2x daily to help him break up the mucous in his chest but for some reason the last 2 mornings he has screamed bloody murder when I put him in the chair.  We’ll get it in later, it’s just not a good omen for the day.  Plus, there is a rogue fly that’s buzzing around and keeps landing on his face.  He can’t swat it away so if I’m not paying attention there’s a little fly feasting on my baby’s face.  Nice.

Then, my dad, who turns 65 tomorrow, fell off a ladder last week and got so goofy that he couldn’t remember why the furniture was missing from the house (they had gotten new carpet).  He has been to the ER a few times this week due to anxiety attacks (apparently they can be common after a major physical trauma) but yesterday he had to go for acute pain.  The docs said he cracked a rib when he fell and then Thursday night he coughed reallly hard and dislodged the rib.  Now he’s on Percocet and Xanax and it will be a couple of weeks before he’s good as new.  My parents have always been so healthy and it’s scary to go through this, especially since he’s hitting such a milestone b-day.  I guess I don’t like the reality of their mortality staring me in the face.

Even better, hubby and I are being grouchy w/each other.  It’s not bad enough to say that we’re fighting, b/c we’re not.  It’s just that the last couple of weeks have been really hard and we’re both sick of it.  He’s sick of constantly hurting all of the time, and I’m sick of always having to be the one to get up with Kyle.  Plus, since all of his joints ache, sex is obviously out of the question and when I go without for too long I’m not a fun person to be around.  This has been our problem for a while and basically I’m tired of always being the adult and bringing up the topic for conversation.  I have explained to him that simply grabbing my ass as he walks by or wrapping his arms around me from behind can be just as effective as a roll in the hay.  Plus, he has yet to comment on my weight loss.  If I ask him he’ll say that he sees a difference, and I have told him that if there’s a day that I look really good that it would help me for him to say it, but nothin’.  I still love him and I know he loves me, life is just hard right now.

Sorry for the long ramble.  On a good note, my weigh-in was decent.  I’m going to go w/252, even though I saw 251 and 250.5 at different times.  But 252 is what I got when I weighed in like I always do.  But then I got out my other scale (it measures body fat, water and muscle) and my body fat is down to 44.4%.  When I started out I was at 52.6%.  So since I’m a facts and figures kind of gal, when I started out at 289 pounds, 152 pounds of me was fat.  Now, “only” 111 pounds of me is fat.  That’s a fat loss of 41 pounds, when my body weight  loss has only been 37 pounds. 

My goal for today is just to make it through.  My dad’s party has been cancelled so I’m going to stick to the program w/the only exception being that my hubby is going to grill out.  It will still be healthy (shrimp and sirloin), just slightly higher in calories.  If the baby naps I’m going to do a new pilates DVD that I bought.  It has 5 different 10 minute pilates workouts, and the plan is to do one of them each morning when school starts.  It will be enough to get my moving in the morning w/o (hopefully) getting me all sweaty so I can still shower at night.  It saves me about 25 minutes in the morning if I can shower the night before.

Keep your fingers crossed for me that I don’t pull all of my hair out before the sun goes down!!

11:30

Somehow I confused 2 handfulls of dark chocolate M&M’s with my regular meal plan.  How did that happen?  But the good news is I have pulled myself away from the bag and managed to do the Pilates DVD.  I really like 3 of the 5 segments and can tell that they will do some good.  The stretching section is ok and the total body section is beyond my abilities right now but it’s something I can work toward.  I feel much more in control now that I have worked out.  I’m going to try to forget the candy from before, b/c I can’t undo it, and just make sure that for the rest of the day I stick to the plan.  I think we’ll have to end up taking Kyle into the doctor at some point, odds are it’s an ear infection.  Whenever he gets sick that’s usually what it ends up being.  But it has been two months or so since he has been sick which is fantastic for him.  So it will be a minor blip in the road and then we’ll get back to normal.

Progress toward workout goal:  21/250

I hopped on the scale this morning to see if I had dipped below 255 and it said 251.0  WHAT????  I got on again to make sure and it said the same thing.  Late last week I was 257 and I pigged out all weekend.  Then I was banned from the treadmill so I was going to be happy with a 1-2 pound loss.  I have been especially strict w/my diet but I never would have expected 251.  I’m not going to consider it my “official” weight until tomorrow (we have my dad’s b-day party Saturday night so I’m going to weigh in a day early) but it has definitely kept me on track today.  Maybe I was exercising too much?  Is that possible????

Today has been a good day.  I went to the gym and did about 20 minutes of weights and 45 minutes on the bike.  Thanks for all of the suggestions about how to fight the numb-feet problem, I made it to 25 minutes until there was a problem today.  Another guy was on the regular bike so I just stayed put and finished out the 45 minutes.  While I was there I watched a show called “How to Look Good Naked” or something like that.  It’s with Carson Kressley, one of the guys from “Queer Eye”.  It was funny and made the time go quickly.

I’m also proud of myself b/c hubby and I went out to lunch today and I made good choices.  We went to Applebees b/c they have a WW menu and I knew I could find something under 400 calories, which is my usual lunch.  I had a grilled chicken breast, a few potatoes and steamed veggies.  Yummy!  It was only 330 calories so I took one of his boneless buffalo wings.  I wouldn’t think that 1 would be more than 70 calories, it was barely bigger than a quarter.

So the goal for tonight is to stick to plan for eating and drink a ton of water.  I don’t want any sodium retaining H20 for my weigh-in tomorrow.  I have been looking forward to 250 for so long that I can’t believe it’s almost here!!!  Yippee!

Progress toward workout goal:  20/250

I joined the gym today and I think I’m going to like it there, but I realize that I hate using the stationary bikes.  I started on the recumbent (sp)? bike, figuring my ample tush would be more comfy there.  It was, but after about 15 minutes or so my feet started getting numb.  I held out until minute 20 and then decided to switch to a traditional bike.  My feet were better, but my nether regions became numb.  So between the 2 bikes, I biked 10 miles in 40 minutes.  I will keep doing it, b/c I have to, but as soon as the doc releases me I’m going to jump on the treadclimbers like there’s no tomorrow.  I looked up the calories I burned and it said 460, so for 40 minutes of work I can live with that.  If anyone has tips on how to avoid the numb feet let me know.

I went to the library after my workout to pick up some more dieting books and ran into some former students.  One of them was the kid of the woman who wrote the letter to the editor about a movie I showed in class.  I so wanted to say something about it, and I could tell he was really nervous talking to me, but I decided to be a grown up and let it go.  All I would have said was “I really wish your mom would have talked to me about her concerns instead of writing to the newspaper” but I figured it was over and done with so I should let it go.  Man, I hate being the adult.

Oh, I almost forgot.  When you join the gym you get a free t-shirt and when she asked what size I automatically said 2X.  She said, “Oh, honey, I think that would be way too big for you.”  And she was right!!  It felt great!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Progress toward workout goal:  19/250

Wow, thanks for the tremendous response to my last entry.  Seems like plantar fascitis is pretty common out there.

I have calmed down a bit from yesterday, I guess I tend to be a bit of a drama queen.  Anyway, I looked up the calories burned on an exercise bike and realized that it’s actually more than walking!  This could be a blessing in disguise.  I called the gym that I plan to join and I’m going to go tomorrow at 11:00 to get the orientation.  For today, I’m going to do upper body weights and pilates to keep myself on track.  I figure tomorrow when they’re giving me the tour/info I can ask for other activities that I can do.  Hopefully they have a rowing machine b/c my doctor said I could do that, too.

On a good note, I tempted fate and got on the scale this morning and it read 255.5!!!!  My goal for next Sunday was 255 so I need to keep charging ahead.  I’m not going to let this derail me.  My biggest struggle for today is going to be going out with my friend for breakfast.  It’s the same one I was going to go out w/ 2 weeks ago but it didn’t work out, so today will be my first real test.  I know they have fresh fruit on the menu so I plan to eat my normal breakfast here and then order fruit and water there.  Won’t the waitress love me!!  I’ll update later after exercise and my breakfast date.

PS–Did anyone watch Oprah yesterday?  I caught the last little bit and Dr. Oz was on there.  He mentioned that if you double the amount of sex you’re currently having that you can add 3 years to your life.  I told my hubby that if we aren’t careful that we’re going to die tomorrow :) 

5:30

I did my lifting for my arms and a 30 minute Pilates workout.  I also went out with my friend for breakfast and think I did ok.  I had 1/2 my normal breakfast and then ordered an omelet w/egg beaters, onions, green peppers, celery and tomatoes plus some fruit.  Then my son and I went to the pool and ran some errands so I have been doing good on the food front.  Tomorrow I’m going to mow the lawn in the morning if it isn’t raining and then later I’m going to officially join the gym.

Progress toward workout goal:  18/250

My butt is currently being kicked by a cold.  It started out as a minor sore throat on Saturday and then I woke up with a stuffy nose on Sunday.  I figured it was due to the new carpet at my parents’ but it has hung around so I’m guessing it’s legit.  Plus, now it has settled into my lungs so I sound like a barking seal from time to time.  The good news is my sore throat is gone and my hubby let me steal some of his allergy meds so I can breathe, but I am pooped.  I would be taking a nap right now but I have to go to the doctor in about 30 minutes for my foot so I figured I would hop on the computer instead.  Hopefully I’ll get home soon enough from the doctor to sneak in a nap before our nurse leaves.

Fortunately, I’m still feeling well enough to workout.  It was a struggle today b/c I was up for a while before I had a chance, but I knew that if I didn’t that I would be setting myself up for problems today with food.  I did an easy aerobics workout and then started my 6th and final week of my interval walking program.  I haven’t decided if I’m going to jump right into C25K next week or just keep repeating this final week until we go on vacation in 3 weeks.  I plan to workout on vacation (definitely!!) but I won’t have access to a treadmill and I get shinsplints if I walk outside.

On a different note, I had to return some clothes today so of course I had to try on new stuff.  It’s amazing how different sizes can be from brand to brand.  In one store I tried on a dress that was 2X and it fit just about perfectly.  It looked quite pretty (if I do say so myself) but it was still a bit too expensive for my tastes.  I’ll watch the clearance rack and see if it makes it’s way there.  But then I went to another store and tried on a dress I never thought would fit b/c it was a size 18.  It actually fit w/room to spare!!!!!!  I almost bought it for that reason alone but then realized it was twice as expensive as the previous dress and honestly a bit too dressy to wear to school.  But it felt good anyway.

Hopefully the doctor will tell me a good way to help my aching heel that doesn’t involve wearing “sensible” shoes.  I’ll let you all know how it turns out.

Progress toward workout goal:  17/250

3:30  I just got back from the doctor and as I suspected I have plantar fascitis but he said that I have to stop walking/running for at least the next month.  I’m freaking out.  Not only does exercise keep me from binging, but I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!  I’m trying to stay calm, but I’m panicking.  He said I could do things that don’t involve pressure on my heel so I’m going to try to figure out as many things that I can do as possible.  I figure I can continue doing pilates and weight lifting, I’ll just leave out the squats and lunges.  And he said a stationary bike is ok.  I was going to join a gym when school started b/c it would be harder to workout here but I guess I’ll just have to join early so I can start biking.  This sucks!  And then I had to buy new tennis shoes.  Well, I guess I didn’t HAVE to buy new shoes but he said if I got better ones and wore them all of the time that I’d heal more quickly so $133 later I am the proud owner of a new pair of tennies.  I’m going to wear these puppies to bed if it helps my foot heal faster.  That should make those romantic moments kind of comical (like they aren’t already) but nothing is going to get in my way of healing this damn foot.

If any of you know of other non-weight bearing activities please let me know.  I’m not a very good swimmer so that’s out but I’m willing to try anything.  Boo hoo, I’m going to hang out in my pity party for a little while longer and then I’m going to research biking workouts to see how many calories I can burn.   Grr.

All in all I’m satisfied with how the weekend went.  The things that were under my control went according to plan and the things that weren’t…why worry?  I made it through the cake-making experience w/o a nibble which is HUGE for me.  I got in my tough workout Saturday morning, ate my breakfast and packed lunch.  We went to the reunion and had a blast but surprisingly there wasn’t very much healthy food around.  Apparently cardiologists like fatty foods as much as we do :)  Granted, I could have brought something healthy myself but when you’re traveling 2+ hours in 90 degree heat, veggies don’t do that well.  I wasn’t able to workout yesterday due to the fact that my parents’ basement flooded and upstairs they had brand new carpet so I didn’t want to leave shoe marks all over the place.  Plus, I woke up with some sort of head cold and I was exhausted.  When we drove home Saturday night there was a massive thunderstorm, at times we were only driving 40 mph on the interstate.

But this morning I’m back on track.  I got in a workout and am on track for food.  I still feel like crap and my older son decided today was the day he was going to be hyper but that’s life.  On a good note, when I went to the doctor on Friday, the nurse didn’t even look for the bigger blood pressure cuff, she just used the one for normal sized people.  Yay!

My goal for this week is to be at or below 255.  I know I’m trying to avoid using weight as a goal and focusing on behaviors instead, but I’m treading water instead of making progress.  It’s a doable goal, I just need to do it.

Progress toward workout goal:  16/250

It’s Friday night which means we’re headed into the weekend.  For most people that’s something to celebrate but for me it is a scary time.   My schedule is totally disrupted and temptations abound.  But I am going to make it through according to my plan.  So what is my plan?

• Finish today on plan.  I have been happy with my food choices and got in a solid hour on the treadmill.  The danger tonight is that I have to make a cake for our family reunion, but I am going to brush my teeth and chew gum during.  I still have a treat coming tonight and I have some yummy sf pudding chilling in the fridge.
• Tomorrow, I’m going to get in a tough workout first thing in the morning.  I have already told my hubby that after 5 am the kids are his responsibility and he’s fine with that.  We’ll be on the road by 9; by then I’ll have had a good breakfast and I’ll bring my lunch to my parents’ house.  I will make the healthiest choices available at the party.
• Sunday we’ll be at my parents’ house.  I will bring along a few DVD’s so I can workout there first thing in the morning.  I will also bring the cereal I usually eat as well as another lunch.  I’m not sure how long we will be there but I want to be prepared.

Progress toward workout goal:  14/250

OK, yesterday wasn’t my proudest moment, but it’s over so I’m not going to let it bother me anymore.  Today is a new day and I’m going to use it to get myself back on track.  I got a decent night of sleep and our regular nurse is coming today so I know that I’ll be able to get a workout.  Since I’m having my tubes tied today I’ll probably be under my calories so maybe yesterday will balance itself out.  And I should be back to normal tomorrow b/c I’m not having traditional surgery, it’s just an in-office procedure where they do everything through the opening that God provided.  The Dr. told me to expect just regular cramping and said I’d be able to resume regular activities on Friday.  I’m not going to lift weights on Friday as I normally would but I will get in a good, long, walk.

I’m trying to be a “look for the silver lining” kind of gal so maybe yesterday was a warning for me.  We have a family reunion this weekend and a lot of choices were up in the air.  One of those choices was do I take the boys and go to my parents’ house Friday night or just come down Saturday morning, pick them up and continue to the reunion.  I have decided to go down on Saturday for 2 reasons.  One, I will be more likely to get in a workout Saturday morning if I am home and two, I will be in control of my food Friday night and Saturday morning.  I’ll bring my lunch w/me to eat at their house and then do the best I can at the reunion.  That side of the family has lot of medical people (the host is a cardiac surgeon) so I know there should be at least a little bit of healthy food

On another front, I’m really tired of my hubby being sick.  I’m sure he is, too, but what I finally realized is that the reason it’s irritating me so much is that when he’s sick, he just gets to be sick.  I can pick up the slack.  When I’m sick, though, I have to coordinate help due to our situation with Kyle.  I remember when I was horribly sick with strep throat last spring and slept for about 3 days straight, I was on the phone with my mom, having her come up for a couple of nights to help with the kids.  And then on the 1/2 day I went to school, I was coordinating a schedule for people to come over and help with the kids b/c I knew it wasn’t safe for me to take care of them b/c I wasn’t strong enough.  He does the best he can and I don’t want to complain b/c I have one of the best husbands around, but he has one of the best wives around and I just wish he’d tell me that.

10:20

Yay, I got in my workout and now I feel like myself again.  What’s scary, though, is that after taking 1 day off I had to MAKE myself workout.  Usually I look forward to it and I had to force myself today.  Luckily I chose one of my alltime favorites which really got me going, so when it was time to get on the treadmill it was no big deal.  And what I’m noticing on the treadmill is that my endurance is so much greater during the running times.  I have 1 more week of my interval walking program and then I’m going to start C25K.  A quick question about that, during the running times how fast are you supposed to run?  I downloaded the program from the internet and it just gives a time and/or distance, and from what I could calculate it comes out to about 6 mph.  Is that right?

Progress toward goal:  13/250

I think I just consumed a days worth of calories in under an hour.  I had just posted about how well the day was going in spite of the fact that I didn’t get in my normal workout and I ate several small chocolates as well as the 4 leftover pieces of cake.  Oh yeah, I found a single size pack of salted peanuts in the cupboard.  Thank God we keep the junkfood pretty minimal around here b/c I know the only reason I stopped is b/c I ran out.  I am an intelligent person, why can’t I figure out how to NOT put food in my mouth???

I’m  worried about today b/c I can already tell that I’m going to be out of my regular schedule.  Our older son is sick, he was up about 5 times last night with a fever.  He rarely gets sick and when he does he cries at night (he’s only 5).  So it was frustrating last night b/c I was trying to take care of him as well as keep him quiet enough that he didn’t wake up Kyle.  Plus, my hubby is still taking painkillers to sleep at night so it was all me.  His temp stayed around 102 all night, even w/Tylenol.  If it hasn’t broken by this morning I’m going to call the doc.

This may be selfish but I’m worried that I won’t get in a workout.  Not working out, combined with being exhausted, is a recipe for eating.  So my goal for today is to stick to my regular eating plan no matter what.  I can take a day off from exercising, but I’m afraid of what will happen if I do.  For right now, I might be able to sneak in a short one b/c my hubby just got up and our older son is finally sleeping.  It’s also sad b/c whenever he gets sick he’s afraid that he’ll get the disease that our younger son has.  I keep trying to explain to him that Kyle was born with his disease, but when you’re 5 and you hear people talking about your brother who is going to die b/c he’s “sick”, it must be scary to be sick yourself. 

I can do this, I will not let one day change my focus.

1:45    So far the day has gone better and worse than I was hoping.  Better, b/c I was able to get in 20 minutes of a workout.  Not enough to count it as a day toward my goal (I honestly don’t care about that) but enough to remind me that I did something good for my body.  I am also on plan for food, which hasn’t been easy.  But this is a chance for me to prove to myself that I am in control of food, not the other way around.  The reason it has been worse is that our nurse didn’t show up today.  Our regular nurse has the day off and the replacement nurse didn’t come.  I called the agency and they said they would check on her to make sure she’s ok, but in the meantime I have both boys by myself.  Thank goodness this isn’t tomorrow b/c I’m getting my tubes tied so we would have to scramble to find daycare.  Anyway, our older son is still a little sick (temp 100.2, not eating) but he’s acting normal so I’m not worried.  I’m not worrying about the amount of tv he’s watching today b/c he just wants to curl up with a blanket on the couch.  The baby did nap for a while and I did think about hopping on the treadmill but our older son asked if I would snuggle with him so of course it wasn’t even a choice.  I know that the day will come (probably in the near future) where he won’t want to snuggle with me anymore.

I’m proud of myself for sticking with my eating plan.  I am a little short on water, especially since I didn’t workout and I have had 2 coke zeros for the caffeine but all in all I’m pleased.