It’s all up to me

…you know, the character w/multiple personalities played by Sally Field?  That’s how I feel lately.  I have been had feelings like I can accomplish anything to feeling like I’ll never succeed within minutes of each other.  Then as soon as I convince myself that I’m strong and have the determination to stay on plan during the holidays the rollercoaster ride begins again and I start to doubt myself.  So I guess for now I just need to hang on b/c it’s going to be a bumpy ride.  At least I like rollercoasters, though

I was getting bored w/my weightlifting workouts so I pulled out an old Crunch Pilates DVD w/weights.  Holy crap, I forgot how hard it was.  My left knee was bothering me so I wasn’t able to go into the plie stance very deeply but my arms are going to kill tomorrow.

Speaking of tomorrow, it is the beginning of 3 days w/goofy schedules.  I have a meeting after school and my hubby has a meeting in the evening.  I’m hoping I’ll get 30 minutes at the gym before I go home but I can’t guarantee that.  In case I don’t get there I’m going to get up early in the morning and workout.  Thursday, I go in late for a meeting so I’ll workout in the morning b/c after school I need to get some Christmas shopping done.  And then Friday I’m helping chaperone the school dance so I’ll have to workout in the morning.  Whew, this week is going to fly by.

I look forward to reading about what’s going on w/all of you later tonight.  You guys really keep me on track.

Progress toward workout goal:  116/250

I have been doing a lot of thinking these last 48 hours.  I decided to take yesterday off from exercise and it was torture.  I really missed it and noticed that I was much crankier than usual, my hubby even commented.  But I realized that I had worked out every day for nearly 3 weeks and thought that maybe my body needed a rest. 

Since I wasn’t exercising (or does shoveling food into your mouth count as exercise?) I started thinking about the upcoming month.  I toyed w/the idea of just maintaining during December but then realized that having a plan to maintain is telling myself that I can’t do it.  I’m not saying that anyone who is planning to maintain through the holidays isn’t making a good plan, it’s just a plan that doesn’t work for me.  I realize that my losses may be more inconsistent than usual but in all honesty I’m generally inconsistent w/my weight loss so maybe it will be a normal loss.  Who knows?  At this point I still want to be below 230 by the end of the year.  Even more importantly, I want to fit into the size 16 pants that I bought.  If I stay focused I can do it.

I also started worrying (prematurely) over the 2 week break we have at Christmas.  As much as I’m looking forward to it, I’m scared that I’ll pack on a million pounds b/c I’ll be out of my normal routine.  And then I realized, I’m home for 2 months in the summer and I’m more successful losing weight in the summer than during the school year.  So I just need to create a new routine; one for the school week and one for days I’m not at school whether it be a weekend or more extended break.  Either way, I need to realize that weekends and breaks are part of life and shouldn’t be feared.

So today was the first step back on the path toward my goal.  I am on plan for food and had a great workout (70 minutes on the treadclimber, 1400+ calories burned).  I have a few obstacles this week in my regular schedule, tonight or tomorrow I will map out how I will stay on-plan regardless of these changes.  I know there will be some days during December that are going to involve high-calorie food and I’m going to partake but 3 or 4 days throughout the month cannot turn into 31 days of the month!  I started this journey last year about 10 days before Christmas and was able to lose weight during the holiday season, I can do it again.

Progress toward workout goal:  115/250

Well, yesterday didn’t stay perfect w/eating but I did make a few choices of which I am proud.  Two or three different times I threw in the towel and went on a mini-binge, but each time I stopped myself and realized that I had worked too hard to get discouraged now.  This is a huge moment for me b/c I am the queen of thinking that one bite of something ruined my diet for the day so I might as well eat everything in sight.  Have to look for the silver lining in the cloud, right????

I am also starting to see some more changes in my body and it’s exciting.  This morning I was getting my son ready for his breathing treatment and I was in yoga pants and a sports bra.  My arms are still pretty flabby but I usually can see muscle definition when I flex them.  Today, I could see the bicep as I reached for a diaper.  Granted, there is still a ton of flab hanging there (you know, the grandma arms) and in all honesty some of that may always remain.  I can’t expect that after 20 years of being fat that the skin is going to snap back into place.  But I know that I’m getting stronger every day and I love that.  This morning, for instance, I was doing the TJ Turbo Sculpt workout and I noticed the guys were using 8 pound weights, I had 12.  Now, I realize that the guys could probably do it w/20 pound weights but it still made me appreciate my body and all it can do.  Hopefully the next thing to go away will be the shelf around my hips/pooch area

Progress toward workout goal:  114/250

8:30

Holy crap!  For whatever reason I decided to get on the scale, maybe to minimize the shock of what I was going to see tomorrow.  Last week I was 236 and the other day I was 240, since then I have eaten somewhat piggishly so I was just hoping that I would be under 240.  Plus, I had already eaten breakfast and I didn’t completely strip down.  What did the scale say????  235!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  What?  I seriously wonder if my scale is starting to die b/c it has the most inconsistent readings.  But for now, who cares, it said 235!  This was my goal by the end of November.  I’m not going to consider it reached unless I stick to the eating plan for today but this gives me the strength to make good choices today.

Also, I’m toying w/the idea of setting goals based on clothing.  Right now I’m an 18/20 and I have a pair of size 16 pants waiting for me w/the hope of wearing them by the new year.  I’m thinking I can drop a size every 2 months which will get me into the size 12 dress I bought for my hubby’s graduation in May.  Does a size every 2 months sound realistic?  As an adult I haven’t been much smaller than I am now (for about 5 minutes I fit into a size 16 before I got pregnant w/my second son) so I’m not very experienced w/dropping dress sizes .

But for now I’m celebrating 235.  I will make good choices today, I will make good choices today, I will make good choices today.

I’m not going to rehash yesterday’s food indulgences b/c it was Thanksgiving and what’s done is done.  Plus, compared to previous years it wasn’t nearly as gluttonous.  It’s no longer Thanksgiving, though, so I need a plan to get my butt back on track.

The #1 thing to accomplish on my to do list is done…I slept in.  I have been having trouble sleeping lately and even this morning I woke up, on my own, at 4:00.  I considered getting up and getting the day started and then reminded myself that I was getting a sore throat last night and that getting sick is not in the game plan.  It probably took me 30 minutes to fall back asleep but I stayed in bed until 7:20.  I love waking up AFTER the sun

Step #2 is also done, get in a workout.  I did TJ Cardio Party and the AB Jam for a good hour workout.  I can definitely tell that I’ll be feeling my abs tomorrow, but in a good way.

Then for today I need to stay perfect w/food.  I know if I allow myself one inch of wiggle room I’ll be a goner so I’m going to be super strict.  I seriously might be creating an eating disorder here but when I’m not strict w/myself all hell breaks loose.

I’ll check in w/all of you later, right now there’s a shower w/my name on it.  Then my son and I are going to finish decorating the Christmas tree.  I’m super lovey-dovey about him right now b/c when I was tucking him in last night he told me he was thankful that I was his mommy.  Even though he’s only 5 he has outgrown the “mommy” thing, it actually made me cry.  I’m sure you all think your kids are the best but I’m here to tell you that my son has you all beat

Progress toward workout goal:  113/250

This isn’t going to be one of those blogs where I talk about how I’m thankful for my family, my health, etc.  I am thankful for those things but my morning hasn’t gone well so I’m going to be grouchy.  One of my favorite tv shows is “Rescue Me” with Dennis Leary so if you’re familiar w/his sense of humor you can guess how this is going to go.  If not, hang on.

It all started w/waking up at 4:45.  What???  I was going to take the day off from exercise and sleep as long as I could but I heard the baby.  There was no way I was ready to get up so I repositioned him and crawled back into bed.  Every few seconds, though, I kept hearing a noise.  When he had his big seizure he made weird noises like that so I watched him in the video monitor but he was asleep.  I got back into bed but kept hearing the same noise.  This time I cracked his door and peeked in there but nope, sleeping like a baby.  But when I got back in bed AGAIN I still heard the noise.  I finally realized it was my own freakin’ nose.  Somehow it was whistling when I would breathe but I didn’t know it was me.  Grrrrr

Then I couldn’t get back to bed so I got up and stepped on the scale.  Why did I even bother.  Somehow since Sunday I have gained 3.5 pounds.  Now, I haven’t been perfect this week but I haven’t been bad, either.  I have gotten up at 4:00 every morning this week and on Monday and Wednesday I worked out twice, trying to counteract the extra calories I’ll pile in today.  And how does my body repay me, gaining weight.  I’m going to try to bitch about it here and then let it go b/c I know it’s not true weight, it’s some water weight, tension, whatever, but I’m still pissed.  If I knew that I wouldn’t go crazy I would honestly put the scale away for a month and just focus on eating healthy and working out but I know that I would start adding an extra bite here, an extra helping there and then the weight gain would be for real.  Why can’t it just be about exercise???  If I could eat what I wanted and just workout a ton I would be thrilled.  But since I can’t change the way it works I just have to hang in there.

I guess I am thankful, though, that there were no small children around when I weighed myself this morning.  I think my five-year old’s eyes would have been big as saucers when he heard the words coming out of my mouth.  Why does swearing make us feel better????

Anyway, since I was up I decided to lift weights w/my FIRM DVD.  It has an express option that I have never used before, but it hit all of the body parts in 25 minutes.  Then I added some pushups and one segment that the DVD cut out that really works my arms.  I’ll have to remember this option for when I don’t have a lot of time.

Here’s hoping you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving if you’re in the states and have a wonderful Thursday if you’re not.

Progress toward workout goal:  112/250

You all kept me from indulging in a soft pretzel w/cheese less than 15 minutes after I burned 1200 calories on the treadclimber.  I got up at 4:15 again and did pilates/yoga for 40 minutes and then went to the gym for an hour after our mind-numbing meeting and then was off to the store to get the rest of the Thanksgiving supplies.  Sam’s Club has fantastic pretzels w/cheese and I was going to get one, figuring that a few hundred extra calories weren’t going to matter considering that tomorrow is Thanksgiving.  Then I knew that the pretzel would be the beginning of the downward spiral that wouldn’t end until Monday morning so I held off, mostly b/c I would feel like an idiot posting on here that I chowed down right after a workout.  I honestly sat in my van before I went inside and told myself, outloud, “You are not going to order a pretzel, you are not going to order a pretzel, you are not going to order a pretzel.”  If my sweaty-stink from my workout didn’t keep people away the crazy-lady image sure did.  Either way, I made it through Sam’s and the grocery store w/o picking up anything that wasn’t healthy.  Yay, me!

Tomorrow I’m going to allow myself to enjoy Thanksgiving but not give myself permission to lose control.  If it’s good, I’ll eat it, but if it’s not I won’t.  I don’t know if I’ll get a chance to workout or not; my hubby does all of the cooking (I know, I’m so lucky) and as much as I know that I deserve time to exercise he is going to be busting his butt for hours and hours, I’m not going to make him watch the kids, too.  But come Friday I’m back on track.  I’m going to workout right when our nurse arrives and then spend the day putting up the tree and going out to lunch w/a friend.  I’m hoping we’re going to go to Applebee’s b/c they have a WW menu that shows the calories, it’s pretty good.

Progress toward workout goal:  111/250

Well, the pressure is off as to whether I should try to stay perfect again this week.  I was debating on having a piece of cake last night when I noticed there was only 1 piece left.  Perfect, I can’t go back for more, so I ate it and enjoyed every bite.  Had I stopped there life would have been fine.  But then I got out the ice cream (had to take 5 bites to confirm that I don’t like this kind of ice cream), 4 beef sticks, nuts w/candy corn, etc.  I felt like the very hungry caterpillar.

The binge may have served a purpose, though, b/c when the alarm went off at 4:10 to workout I did not want to get out of bed.  It was so tempting to roll over and go back to sleep, it’s freakin’ dark at 4:10.  But I remembered the indulgences of the night before so I hauled my butt out of bed and lifted weights for 55 minutes.  It sucked while I was doing it but it felt great when I was done.

I am very proud of myself w/food today.  I did well during school and then headed almost 2 hours away to the hospital.  I stuck to my plan of grilled chicken sandwich and fruit/yougart parfait for supper.  I did go over by 100 calories b/c I brought an extra 100 calorie pack for a snack on the way home, but I figured overall it was a successful night.  Now the Biggest Loser is on so I would feel like a complete hypocrite if I pigged out while watching this.

For tomorrow I’m doing 2 workouts again.  I’m going to get up early and do one before school and then hit the gym for at least an hour when we get out at 12:30 (yay, early dismissal)  If there is time I’m going to put up the tree and the lights but if not I’ll save that for Friday.

Progress toward workout goal:  110/250

Last week I set the goal of having a perfect week and I succeeded.  This week I know it would be unrealistic to be that strict, but it’s scary to have a little bit of wiggle room.  We have some leftover cake and I’m tempted to have a small piece, and I know a small piece would be ok.  But knowing my past history, one small piece often turns into 2 small pieces, 3, etc.  I’m still honestly not sure how I’m going to handle it.

I have, though, stuck to my plan for this week so far.  I got up early this morning and did 20 minutes of pilates and then impressed myself after school by hitting the treadclimber for 75 minutes at a fairly high intensity.  I burned a bit over 1500 calories, I have never seen that number before.  It’s honestly addicting.  I need to scale back my expectations b/c I’m getting to the point if I burn anything less than 1000 calories during a workout that I feel like I haven’t done anything.  Maintaining this rate is unrealistic and possibly could send my body into shock, resulting in lower weight loss.

Tomorrow I’m going to have to change my original plans b/c I won’t be able to fit in 2 workouts.  I found out yesterday that my nephew is in the NICU at the same university hospital my son often goes to.  It’s almost 2 hours away and tomorrow after school is the only time I can get down there to visit.  It’s scary b/c they don’t know exactly what’s going on w/him, why he’s sick or how to make him better.  He actually coded at one point, he’s only 5 weeks old.  I feel awful for my SIL and her hubby, they miscarried a baby about a year ago and now they’re scared that they’re going to lose this one, too.  So like I said, I’ll only have time for 1 workout (I’ll get up about 4:15 to lift weights).  Then I’ll hit McDonalds on the way home and have a grilled chicken sandwich and a fruit ‘n yougart parfait.  It’s the healthiest option for eating in the car but even if I went over by a million calories it would be worth it b/c I know how scary it can be being in the hospital w/a baby that you aren’t sure if you’re going to bring home w/you.  

Progress toward workout goal:  109/250

I made it through the perfect week and the scale smiled at me, 236!  Now I need to keep the momentum going b/c I WILL be at or below 235 by the end of the month.  Since Thanksgiving is Thursday I’m going to stay perfect M-W and workout twice each day.  Thursday I’ll workout but somewhat eat what I want and then Fri-Sat will be perfect again.  I”m actually excited to meet this challenge.

How does your body know when you have the chance to sleep in and then decide to wake up earlier than usual?  My parents kept the boys overnight so I was going to sleep until I woke up on my own.  I wasn’t even going to workout if I slept too late, I haven’t missed a workout in weeks.  So what time did I wake up?  5:45!  It was still dark and cold so I slipped into our guest bedroom in the basement, figuring I’d burrow under the covers and go back to sleep.  Nope, I finally gave up at 6:30 and got up and worked out.  Go figure.  Last weekend I slept for 11 hours, this weekend I barely sleep 7.

Progress toward workout goal:  108/250

I faced my first challenge of the weekend in the wee hours of the morning and I’m pleased to say that I passed the test.  My younger son typically gets up about 6:15 on the weekends so I have been getting up at 5:15 on Saturdays to fit in my workout.  This morning, though, I heard him stir about 5:00.  My first reaction was to tell myself that this was fate’s way of saying that I need to take a break from exercise, but then I remembered that I’m going for a perfect week this week and skipping a workout would not be perfect.  Plus, skipping the workout makes it harder for me to stick to the food plan.  While my son was getting his chest compression treatment (it’s a machine that does it automatically, takes 20 minutes) I popped in the TJ Turbo Sculpt DVD.  Then when he finished I just kept him in his chair and finished the workout.  Now I’m so glad that I did and proud that I stuck to the plan.

It’s a good thing, too, that I did workout b/c the scale still hasn’t moved from 238.  I don’t know why but I thought I would see 236 this morning so I was disappointed and frustrated.  I just need to remind myself that I will get there, some of this is probably water weight b/c I’m PMSing.  Tomorrow I’m going to check my fat, muscle and water percentage, too.  I always like seeing those numbers change.  And strangely, this month I haven’t experienced the extra hunger or cravings like I normally do.  Maybe it’s b/c I have been a bit more consistent w/staying on plan, who knows???

I took some measurements yesterday and I don’t know if I should be pleased w/the results or not.  I know many of you keep closer track of your measurements, maybe you could give me your opinion on the changes that I’m making. 

August 20th                                     November 21st

Bust    48 inches                              45 inches                            -3 inches

Waist   45 1/2 inches                       43 inches                            -2 1/2 inches

Hips   55 1/2 inches                        52 1/2 inches                     -3 inches

Thigh      28 inches                          26 1/2 inches                    -1 1/2 inches

I should be glad that I’m making progress but I can’t help but feel that I should be shrinking more quickly.  And I’m scared b/c with the holidays coming up I know it is going to be harder.  I don’t know if I already mentioned this but I bought a cute pair of size 16 jeans that I want to be in by the end of the year and I’m literally going to have to work my butt off to fit into them. 

Sorry for the pity party, normally I’m more self-confident than this.  But I feel like I’m the edge of greatness or failure and the tide could turn either way.  I know that if I keep with this that I’m going to start seeing some major changes and get into sizes that I haven’t been in since high school (over 15 years ago).  I’m already seeing hints of a collarbone which I wouldn’t have expected at nearly 240 pounds.  I know that I want this and I know that my plan works, I just need to stick to it.  So for now, baby steps.  I’m going to focus on making good choices for today and not worry about anything else.  I can do this and more importantly, I am going to do this.

Progress toward workout goal:  107/250