I have to stop being impulsive with food!!!

Well I woke up super late for work.  I try get up about 5:30 or 6:00am and get ready for work, and I was planning on getting up and taking the dog for a walk, and I just couldn’t get up.  My alarm was set for 5:00am, cause I’m a big snooze person, but instead I shut it off accidently and didn’t wake up until 8:00am.  So I was rushing around trying to get the kids ready and we all scarfed breakfast down which for me was a bowl of hunny nut cheerios and 2% milk, and then ran off to drop the kids off with their Dad and rush to work.  Work of course has been constant chaos ever since I got here, I’m hungry again, so I’m eating some ritz crackers with cream cheese.  Not the best choice but I’ve stayed away from the cookies, so that’s a start!

For lunch I have a breaded chicken sandwich with a slice of cheese on a hanburger bun.  I think I’m gonna have a small salad with it also to fill me up a little bit more.

Well surprisingly I still feel really good from last night’s meeting, and I’m looking forward to doing it again.  I really wanted to go to another meeting tonight after work, but I don’t want to stick my boyfriend with the kids again, plus I want to spend some time with them.  I had to go to work early today, so he was in charge of getting them ready and taking them and picking them up from daycare, so I want to give him a break.  But I woke up this morning with a sense of hope, and that is new for me. 

As far as my food journal for today, it’s early still only 9:00am.  I’ve had a 24oz cup of french vanilla cappiccano and 32oz. water, and a cup of berry tea (decaf).  I will have a bowl of kashi cereal with a cup of skim milk at about 10:00 or 10:30am.  So we’ll see how the rest of the day goes!

Well I’m soooooo proud of myself. I just got back from my very first OA meeting, and I couldn’t believe how amazing it was. I just sat back and listened mostly, but it was very empowering. I am going to go to another one tomorrow. I think I’ve finally found my place in life…the place where I can work through the reasons I use food as a self-mulitating weapon, and god willing move towards a healthier lifestyle! Anyway, I’m gonna relax with my BF now and get some rest. Until tomorrow!!

Well I’m very diappointed in myself because I haven’t posted in 5 days. Actually I’ve been thinking about posting everday, I’ve just been insanely busy. Thanksgiving actually wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be. I made a pact with moonfairy that I would set a goal to count to 20 as I was chewing my food to see if that would slow my eating down, and I did it…for the most part anyway. I didn’t overeat during dinner although I went a little overboard during dessert. But all in all not too bad of a day. My problem over the past few days has been fast food. I have been eating that crap constantly because I have been moving into my house and there is nothing set up yet. I’ve been making very poor food choices. Chinese, Macdonalds, etc. I know I can still make good food choices while eating at these places, but I haven’t been. But yesterday I tried on a dress for my Christmas party on the 12th and I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror…I totally disgusted myself! I look like a slob, and I am not like that! So today has been a pretty good day food wise, although I don’t think I’m eating enough. I didn’t have breakfast this morning just because I got too busy and didn’t realize, but I did have a cup of coffee with the not-so-healthy flavored creamer, for lunch I was starving and had 2 small bowls of carrot soup, so that wasn’t too bad (12:30pm) and I also snacked on 3 onion rings, but then stopped myself from getting more. At about 2:00pm I was hungry again so I ate a caramel delight fiber one bar, and now at 4:30pm I am eating about 1/2 cup mixed nuts. For dinner tonight I am planning on having lasagna, and then I’m gonna take my dog for a job. So hopefully I will keep myself on track. But it feels good to be back and posting!

I kept with my plan of having lasagna, and I think the mixed nuts earlier helped me to not overeat, but I did have a piece of crumb cake or dessert.

Well today was the day from hell.  I always get so excited for the holiday and then right before it comes I crash completely.  I HATE thanksgiving.  It’s a time for family and to be grateful to be with the people you love.  I have to take my kids to my ex tomorrow morning because he is spending the day with them and then I have to go and spend the day with my boyfriend’s family and his kids.  I know I sound like an ungratful b**** but I am sooooo upset abouot this.  I want to be with my kids!  They are the only family I have.  I love my boyfriend and his children, but I don’t fell like being with them and not my own.  Needless to say this feeling has been overwhelming me since I woke up this morning, and that did not make for a good food day.  I put on what used to be my favorite pair of pants which are now so tight that they are digging into my stomache as it is bulging over my pants.  I threw on a big bulky sweater and went off to work.  As soon as I got to work my breakfast consisted of a large piece of carrot cake  and 2 cups of 2% cottage cheese.  I just didn’t care at all today.  For lunch I had about 8 mini vegetable quesadillas (appitizer) and about a cup of  leftover stuffing from last night with a little bi of turkey gravy.  Then while I was doing on of my groups I had a hershey’s with almonds bar and a kit kat.  Then for dinner I ate a big mac, a large fries, a 4pc. chicken nuggets, a large coke, and then ate most of my son’s fries as well. 

I went home fully prepared to throw it all up expecting that it would make me feel better, but actually I fought this urge.  To be completely honest with you, I just don’t feel I deserve to feel better today.  Not to mention I’m really trying not to throw anything up anymore, so I’ve done the eating damage, but I’m not gonna do the purging damage too.

I’m now fighting with my boyfriend because I was trying to explain to him how I feel and of course he just took it personally that I don’t want to spend the day with him and his kids.  He just doesn’t get it, and I’m not in the mood to deal with it.  I’m just in a foul mood right now, and my eating today has shown that.

To end this on a positive though I’m still on here, and actually was looking forward to posting tonight.  This was the healthiest thing I’ve done so far today!  I’m sorry I’m so negative tonight, I’ll be better soon!  Take care for now!

You know I was just thinking, I’ve been posting for 6 days now.  And I haven’t eaten perfectly, that’s for sure, but I have been posting what I eat, and this is a HUGE step for me.  Usually I mess up right away and I run for the hills because I don’t want to be embarrassed or let anyone down.  For some reason this time, I am being totally and brutely honest with myself and everyone else that’s reading this, and it is working.  At least it’s keeping me loyal to posting! 

I’ve been waking up every morning with this terrible “frog in my throat”.  My acid reflux has been really bad the past few weeks.  I haven’t been taking my Nexium, and I think I may be subconsciously trying to punish myself by not taking it.  I am adament that I don’t want to go back to my old habits of throwing up, or laxatives, and by having the discomfort in my throat it is a constant reminder of what I shouldn’t go back to.  I think that I’ve punished myself enough though, and due to the holiday coming up I think starting tomorrow morning, I’m going to focus on being thankful that I’m given another chance to do things the right way, the healthy way!  I’m going to start up my nexium again, and focus on eating the right, “acid reflux” friendly foods, and get to the point where I feel well enough physically and emotionally to get back to the gym and keep the health vibe going!

I’ll get there, I just need to take it slow and steady.  It’s the tortoise that won the race not the speedy rabbit.  I need to stop being the rabbit and wanting everything on my time.  “I need to realize that all good things come to those who wait”, and “all good things are worth waiting (and fighting) for”.  I know these things, it’s just time I start living my life by these terms! 

Well today is kind of a strange day for me because I didn’t have to be into work today until 11:00am and we’re working late because we’re giving our patients a Thanksgiving Dinner tonight.  So last night my BF and I went out to see 007 in the movies, and I was good I didn’t have popcorn or anything!  The movie wasn’t great, but I did GREAT!!  I didn’t even snack when we got home!  So last night ended well.  Today so far I’ve had a bowl of hunny nut cheerios with 2% milk for breakfast at about 9:30am, and I just had a bowl of leftover chili con carne with cheese and some tuscan herb pita chips (1:00pm).  That’s gonna be it for me for a while, and then we have our thanksgiving dinner at 5, but I’m not a big fan of the food, so I’ll be good.

Well I forgot about the appitizer portion of our thanksgiving dinner.  I had a handful of ritz crackers (about 6) with swizz cheese (again about 6 cubes).  Then at dinner I had a roll with margarine, stuffing, a sweet potato, green beans, and carrots.  Then I had a piece of pecan pie.  I know I should’ve skipped it, but I just stopped caring at that point.  I’ve realized that I completely inhale my food.  I need to start eating more delibertly and SLOWLY!!!

When I got home from work, I was starving and it was so late, plus we still had to run out to the store, so I had a bowl of honey nut cheerios with 2% milk at about 9:30pm and then ran to the store.  I layed down to go to bed about 11:00pm and went to slepp about 1:00am, we were watching a movie.  So not the best day food wise, but not the worst either I guess!

Well unfortunately my internet wasn’t hooked up in my house until yesterday and I didn’t have a chance to go on and post my food this weekend, so now that I’m back at work, I’m gonna try and recal it for the whole weekend, let’s see…

Saturday…

I skipped breakfast, I was just so busy unpacking and moving boxes from one place to another that I forgot to eat.  Lunch I made a sandwich with 2 slices of white bread, about 4 slices of turkey, 4 slices of prov. cheese, and about 6 slices of salomi with some spicy mustard.  I had a big sandwich I guess trying to make up for not having breakfast.  I was still hungry after that, so I ate some Pita chips and hummus.  For dinner we had bacon wrapped filet with canned green beans.  I think I snacked on a chocolate chip fiber one once or twice throughout the day too.

Sunday…ok Sunday wasn’t great.  I had a bowl of honey nut cheerios with 2% milk (a large bowl), another large sandwich for lunch with 2 slices of wheat bread, 2 slices of turkey, 4 slices of cheese, and about 12 slices of salomi with spicy mustard.  Then I went to my first game of Pirate bingo, and ate 2 brownies a piece of cake and 2 small sandwiches.  Plus I had a cup of coffee with bailys in it.  Then for dinner I had some leftover chili.  I also took our new monster puppy (Toby-he’s 9 months old, and about 90lbs) for a walk/job last night, so that was at least a little bit of exercise.  I’m just not motivated yet to exercise, so I figured at least if I can jog a little bit with the dog, it’s something.  We did a total of about 1 mile.  

Now for Monday…ok today started off great with my morning tea back at work, and I just kept refilling the hot water and drinking that.  But then I saw them, large chocolate covered pretzles.  In our staff lounge, there is always some kind of goodie, that I try so hard to resist, but chocolate covered pretzles are my weakness.  And here comes the binge.  I ate 1 and said that was it, then 2, then 4, then I couldn’t stop myself and I ate about 10 large chocolate covered pretzles.  Then I decided to go out to lunch for sushi again and had my miso soup, my salad, a shrimp tempora roll, a california roll, and chicken teriyaki with white rice.  Another binge.  After lunch, I was stuffed of course!  Then at about 2:00pm I had a package of “Nerds” from left over halloween candy, and then at about 4:00 I walked over to dunkin donuts and got a medium caramel latte with skim milk and extra caramel.  So far not a good day.  I’m gonna be at work pretty late, so I’m going to eat the lean cuisine I brought for lunch for dinner.  So the day started off terrible, but I’m gonna bring it to an end in a healthy way!  

Ok well today is a new day, and it’s only 9:15am, but I’m really gonna give it my all today and eat only when I’m hungry and keep it in moderation.  I’m starting to realize that my food of choice to binge on is bread and carbs.  I love sweets, but it’s gotta be like cookies, cakes, and I LOVE MY BREAD!!!  So I’m gonna try and stay away from it today, and so far, so good.  Ok I know it’s still really early, but hey you gotta start somewhere right!!  So far all I’ve had is a cup of berry tea w/o caffine.  I’m starting to like tea and it seems to curb the cravings a little, so I’m gonna go with that.  At 10:00am I’m gonna have some nutrisystem oatmeal and I’d like to see if there’s a banana available in the snack bar, if not I’m gonna stick to another fruit. 

Ok it’s 10:29am and I’ve been able to hold off until now.  I’m starving, but I feel like once I start eating I can’t stop so I wanted to wait as long as possible.  I just ate a large banana and I’ve made my apple cin. oatmeal from nutrisystem and it’s cooling.  I’m also having another cup of tea.  I am having 2 cups of water to one tea bag, so it’s a good way to change up my water intake.  I’m only eating the nutrisystem because I have it.  I’ve tried every diet there is and I don’t stick with it and then quit.  So I may as well eat the stuff and get rid of it.  Who knows maybe I’ll wind up liking it down the road.  We’ll see, but so far still ok.  I hope I can continue it!

Ok so it’s 11:10am and I’m still on track.  I just made plans with Sean to go out to lunch because it’s lunch time that always the worst for me.  With the kitchen being right around the corner with all of the wonderful food made and available to me, I can’t resist it, so going out would be the best thing.  We’re actually going to go for sushi, and I’m gonna have some water, miso soup, a california roll, and probally a shrimp tempora roll.  I’m gonna watch the soy sauce intake because it gives me a headache.  I’m hoping to be full enough to stay away from the sweets today.  On a good note, I turned down a rice krispie treat this morning, when I walked through the kitchen to get my banana.  That was not easy, but I’m really happy with myself for it!  Tonight for dinner I’m gonna ask mike to make his chili.  It’s really good and full of beans which isn’t too bad for you, I just have to keep in mind to eat SLOWLY…when I eat fast (and I almost always do), I eat WAY too much, so I’m gonna give the slow eating a try!

Still pretty much on track I ate like a pig at lunch, but it wasn’t that bad.  I had the miso soup, the salad, and I had the ginger dressing on the side, then I ate all of my california roll and my shrip tempora roll.  I also had 3 pieces of Sean’s chicken teriyaki and 2 or his tempora vegetables.  I had water to drink.  I’m full so I’m gonna skip my afternoon snack even though I’m craving something sweet, but this time I have a back up plan.  If I can’t get over this cravng I’m gonna have a caramel delight fiber one bar.  It’s 2:42pm and I’m still ok.  This is feeling pretty good!!!

Well I skipped the fiber one bar, but I had one of my nutrisystem dessert bars…the chocolate peanut butter bar instead, and then I ate half of the nutrisystem caramel popcorn bag, but then gave it to my daughter instead.  For dinner I ate the chili Mike made for me with some white rice.  No snack tonight, so not a bad day overall!

Ok I’ve done this so many times in the past, but let’s try another. 

Breakfast - bowl of weight control oat meal (maple and brown sugar) 9:00am

Snack - 1 bite of a fiber one caramel delight bar, then I threw it out (10:45am), then I made 2 slices of “Exseedingly Good Bread” and one packet of butter (10:45am).

 Ok I’ve done it again….I can’t even get through day 1…all though I will continue to write out what I’ve eaten no matter how pathteic it is making me….this is a change for me.  Usually I would just stop posting, but here we go…

Lunch - Macaronni and cheese soup with 5 pieces of focaccia bread.  (12:00pm)

Snack - Piece of pumpkin pie with whipped cream (2:00pm)

Snack #2 - 3 cupcakes during the staff meeting (3:00pm)…actually 1 during the meeting and then I went into the bathroom and ate 2 more while no one was looking.  I just found out that Kathy is gonna get another job and leave and now I’m loosing my one true friend at work!

Dinner - (6:30pm) 4 pieces of mushroom pizza.

Overall I’m very disappointed with my day today, I just give into temptation way too easily, and part of me believes that yes I cannot control it, but there is another part of me that is saying, stop using addiction as an excuse.  I feel like now that I am accepting that I am addicted to food, I’m admitting defeat and giving into the temptation.