A Life Less Overweight

Well, the last few days I have been eating non-stop, and not good stuff. Lots of carbs I would never eat, and overeating them too. I love being on school vacation, but I hate the lack of routine. My sleep schedule is all off, gym schedule is off, eating is off, everything is just off, which in turns makes me feel awful. I am a person who thrives on routine.

Last nite I went out with some girls from school and drank and ate WAY too much of course. Totally feeling it today. That’s why I don’t drink often at all…

For some reason, today, food just isn’t satisfying me. I had a salad for lunch, which normally, I love, but today, it was unsatisfying. Then, I had an apple- didn’t do anything. Then I found myself standing in front of the fridge, right before I’m going to start making dinner, eating last night’s leftovers. I threw the rest out before I could take it all down, but I did some damage. I think I’m bored. I’m on school vacation, and I’m trying to occupy my time. Yesterday was great, today, not so much. Also TOM is coming soon, which I think is making me edgy. I don’t know it’s just a weird food day today. I’ll be back on track tomorrow.

Aino was writing about her battle to find positive thoughts in a world where it is easy to become plagued by negative ones. I, as well as many of you, have surely felt this way too many times to count. Over the last few years, I have found that thinking positively is truly a valuable and necessary tool for happiness and success.

It isn’t easy, this business of positive thinking. It takes a concerted effort, and it is changing a habit, which as we all know can be daunting. However, once you begin to see the silver lining in EVERY situation that exists, then it becomes easier. It can be difficult, but I always try to find the ONE positive in a the most terrible of situations. This has made thinking positively about myself easier when the time comes.

I am a big believer in “if you don’t like your situation, then do something about it.” I used to live with a roommate that bitched about EVERYTHING, but when they were things she could do something about, she never did it. Therefore, I became a do-er. If I don’t like it, I make steps to change it. I might not be successful at first, and I might have to try it a few different times, but ultimately, I have been able to make myself happy by finding a way.I feel this way about the smallest little issues like not liking your couch’s position in the living room, to larger things like being unhappy in a relationship or a job. You ALWAYS have a choice. Yes, it might be difficult, and it might be harder at first, but you always, always have a choice in life. You just have to make it.

I am bummed that the Biggest Loser is now over. I really liked that show for inspiration. I  think about those people when I’m at the gym to keep me motivated. I know if they can do it, I can do it. And yay for a first time female winner!

I also like that the show recognizes that people are overweight for underlying reasons, and encourages people to explore why that is.  I have started thinking about fear as motivation in weight loss. We all have some kind of fear surrounding it, whether it’s the fear of becoming ill, or the fear of losing people who love us, or some other kind of unknown fear.

Here is my fear. For some reason, I keep telling myself that I only want to get down to 165 pounds, and that’s good enough. That I don’t WANT to go any further. And I truly don’t. I’m afraid. 165 is only about 5-6 pounds from my current weight. Now, technically, for my height, I could go WAY lower than 165 and still be healthy. But, I think on some level, I am afraid of losing more than that. And I think I’m beginning to know why.

I am afraid that if I get lower than that, people will make more comments, albeit positive ones. I am afraid of those comments. I’m still trying to figure out why. I am not one who dislikes attention- I welcome it. I performed all the time in high school, and I’m a teacher. I’m outspoken. I’m attractive and like male attention. But somehow, I don’t like that idea of all those weight related comments. “Wow, you look so good”, “Oh my god!!”- all that scares the crap out of me. I have no idea why. Watching the BL and seeing all those people go home for the first time, and the receptions they get fills me with mixed emotions. I’m happy for them, but on another level I feel like those reactions suck. What the fuck? They weren’t good enough for you before? They weren’t worthy of that kind of reaction before, but now that they are skinny, they are?

I am afraid of feeling like once I lose weight, people will think I looked bad before.

Also, I am afraid if I lose too much, I will have to buy all new clothes and I can’t afford to do that. So instead, I keep myself at a weight to keep me in what I have.

I am also afraid of losing a fair amount, then gaining it all back when I get pregnant and then after not be able to lose it. I would have completely undone all the work I did, and on some level, disappoint all those people who said I looked good.

I’m afraid to feel like before, I wasn’t good enough.

I also think a large fear is that people will talk about me when I lose weight. I HATE being talked about, especially regarding my weight. It has been such a part of my life for so long, being overweight, that I have become amazingly sensitive about it. I don’t want to be the subject of people’s “guess whose fat ass lost weight?” conversations.

I know I have the potential to do this. I know I can do it, if I make the commitment and let go of the fear. I can’t do that yet. There’s something else there, something still holding me back.  I need to find out what it is.

I now need a belt on my pants. I’ve actually never owned a belt before, because a) I never needed one and I don’t show off my waist so no one would see it anyways and b) because I never could find one that fit right without having to look into the sizes I didn’t want to go to. So this is my first belt ever. Whoohoo! Yay for little victories!

So this week has been parent-teacher conferences for me, and also I happened to have an IEP meeting for a student the same week. Last year was a terrible year for this boy, and this year has been a huge improvement. At the meeting, the mom was talking about this, and how she attributes his social growth to me and my style. She was full of compliments, which are of course always nice to hear. But then she said something that probably was the nicest, most meaningful compliment I have gotten in a long time, and one that I feel is an amazing measure of progress for me mentally. She said her son “has done so well this year because Mrs. M. has shown him that it’s ok to be yourself. She’s clearly comfortable in her own skin, and it shows, and that’s a great example for him.”

Comfortable in her own skin. Wow. That is something I have been fighting for for a very long time. Throughout my childhood, teens, and 20s, I was never comfortable in my skin. I had confidence- I have always liked who I am- but comfort with myself otherwise was never easy for me. What a long way I have come that others perceive me that way, and that it is the truth as well.

When we think about all the things that go on in life, and all the things that we battle with internally, it really comes down to being comfortable with yourself, as you are. That acceptance is the crucial piece to weight loss. I found that until I was ok with myself at the weight I was, I wasn’t going to lose anything, ever. I know that sounds counterintuitive, but I believe it’s true. My decision to lose was not because of how I wanted to look, but because of how I wanted to better my life and health, and that’s when I began changing, both inside and out.

This is indeed a journey in finding yourself. I hope that you too can find comfort in your own skin.

As I’ve mentioned before,  a favorite pastime of mine at the gym is to watch all the regulars that are there when I am there (would I be considered a regular to them?? Interesting. I wonder). I love watching who knows who, wondering how they know each other, and if they hang out outside of the gym. But my NEW favorite show at the gym is “Guess Who’s Doin’ It?” That’s right folks, the show where you observe and try to guess who’s tappin it, and who’s not getting any at all!!!

There are these two people that are TOTALLY doing each other. At first they were flirty, would talk, but then do their own thing. Then, all of the sudden, one day, they were giggling and touching, and looking at each other coyly. And that’s the day I realized- holy crap!!- they were getting a second workout- on each other!  They are both totally ripped, she’s a petite little thing and he’s this HUGE dude, a trainer at the gym. And they’re also totally getting it on.

Then, there’s the guy with tube socks up to his knees, black sneakers, shorts that make it slightly scary to look anywhere below the waist line, and the holey t-shirt with the pit stains. Deeeefinitely NOT playing hide the dumbbell.

And that, my friends, is how you make a 30 minute run seem like your favorite sitcom.